Problem Helping 3Rd Grader with Homework

I would say to her "Sorry, sweetie, I will not accept any blame because you refused to let me help. Maybe next time, you'll ask me to help you understand the instructions before you start the project. But until you do, I can't help you and you can't be angry at me if you make a mistake." Don't be emotional about it, just be very matter of fact.

Good luck - it only gets more fun from here on out!

Ask her to read those types of assignments to you. Just kind of give you an overview. That way by paraphrasing she is figuring out if she has a handle on it, you know about it and with any luck you can talk to her about her game plan.

That way you aren't helping her....sort of.

First lesson to be learned... if she doesn't read the directions, she will do poorly. Offer twice to help and when she refuses, remind her that if she doesn't want help then SHE is responsible for whatever grade she gets and leave it at that.

Second lesson to be learned... mom is usually correct. WHEN she brings home the "Didn't follow directions, please redo" assignment, don't ask if she needs help. Tell her to give it to you and read it through yourself. Then look at how she attempted it herself and talk with her about where she misread the instructions. Point out where it said "three ideas" and she added a fourth or fifth (or whatever it was), then allow her to independently "fix" it and check her work when she's done.

There's nothing wrong with letting her fail a few times so that she connects her actions and choices with the outcomes.

this is one of those learning curve things with kids. You have to sit her down and say its your homework read it carefully and do it. then when she is done and you check it go over what she missed. if she refuses to let you do that she gets the grade she gets. and sometimes thats a zero.

so to reiterate.
no yelling
no complaining that she did it wrong on your side
and
no complaining that you explained it wrong on hers

just redo it redo it redo it

a current saying in our house right now (my son is a junior in highschool) is
"a lack of organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine" read your assignments and do them. period!!!

I might nip it in the bud from the start.

I like the idea to have her read it to you and explain what she thinks she needs to do. If she wants to be independent, that's fine, but yelling at and blaming you is not fine. I would say, "I will only help you when you are calm. I understand you are frustrated, but your anger at me is unacceptable."

I had a teacher who once gave us this loooong list of things to do. The first instruction was "read the entire page". Those who did realized that you were only supposed to write your name and sit quietly. Those that rushed ahead were doing all sorts of work that they didn't need to. I'd try to find a way to teach her to read carefully. If she is into such things, try kid-friendly detective stories to teach her to be a more careful reader.

Flaming turnip has some good ideas.. although my son is now 11, when it comes to specific assignments. I have him read to me what he is suppose to do and I ask him questions about it to make sure he is reading the instructions clearly .. (he tends to like to rush.. :)

Stay out of her home work unless she asks for help. IF she comes to you and says she doesn't understand something then try to help. Otherwise you're setting her up to depend on you to lead her through each and every homework assignment in the future.

If she makes a mistake or gets it wrong it's entirely on her. Homework doesn't have to be perfect.

She's 8 - she's still got her training wheels on for social interaction. She vents her frustration on you becuase you love her no matter what and she feels safe with you. Is she copying any behavior modeled by you and your husband? other adults she see grequently? My husband used to bea blamer - once a problem reared it's ugly head he'd flip out, lose it and begin to blame someone. I never udnerstood it until I saw his parents response to a sudden problem. His mom, instead of working to resolve the problem instead fliped out on my husband (innocent bystander) and attacked him for not being able to anticipate something that could never have been anticipated. It's been many years but my husband is finally learning to simply address the problem.

Examine yours and your husband's response to difficulties and if needed, work on it.

If that's not the case then before you sit down to homework tell your daughter waht your expectations are. IN a very non-accusatory way, remind her that when tough assignments are misunderstodd it can get a little tense around here. I expect that we will both be able to talk it through calmly. then ask her what kind of things should you both do to keep yoursleves calm. If you need to apologize - do so. It builds up grace in your child to understand that errors are OK - we just need to dust ourselves off and keep going.

Finally - understand that your child is not the only one to go through this. Teachers don't always explain projects and homework correclty. Often times we parents are correct in our understanding - but from a child's mind our communication of the project and their understanding of it are miles apart. Kids also respond differently. My daughter, who is very intelligent, often misunderstood teacher directions on certain types of homework. My son, who has some learning disabilities - seems to have better people-skills and understands things more clearly. Go figure.

Also - let her be independent as it regards her homework and projects. Teachers know in a nano-second which kids are doing their own work vs. which kid's parents really do all the work. They grade accordingly. It's good for them to make mistakes and learn from it - so let her do it - submit the work and figure out how to correct it. It will make her a better student as she gets older and will build in resilience to her make-up.

And get used to the "not being able to help" with homework. Algebra, Chemistry, trigonometry? It's something of a relief to get to that point where it's not possible to help them!!! It happens more quickly that you can imagine...

I'd have a conversation with her about this at a calm time, when you both aren't stressed about it. Explain to her that you do admire her independent spirit, and that you are also disappointed when she refuses your help but then chooses (and yes, use that word, *chooses*) to blame you for her mistake.

If it were me, I would ask her to let you help her at just the beginning, to ensure that she does understand all of the directions and at that point, she can show you a proposal of how she's going to organize her project/work times to get it done. Once you are both in agreement, she's welcome to proceed on her own.

If she refuses to agree to this going forward, make it clear that she is *never* to blame you for her mistakes if she refuses help. Ask her, point blank : "How would you feel if I was making cookies and following a recipe, and when you asked to help, I said no. And then, when I made a mistake, I yelled at you and blamed you for it? You would probably be angry and frustrated and hurt, and that is how I feel when you blame me for mistakes I had no idea about. That's not a reasonable thing to do-- to blame me for something you refused to let me help you with. You don't get to have it both ways."

And if it happens again, I'd just stop her. "Remember our conversation about this? You are welcome to go in your room and be angry with yourself, but you are not allowed to stay out here and be mad at me. I did not create your problem. " and either she goes to her room or you go do something else in a different area. Sometimes, removing yourself from a person who is being unreasonable makes a lot of sense and keeps one's sanity.

And if this is a problem, ask her to "Explain to me how it is that your result/failure/mistake is because of me, because I am confused." Be sure to correct her perceptions. "Oh, wait, you mean when I asked you if you wanted help and you said no?" or "Oh, wait, when I told you to do X and you ignored me?" Maybe this will help her see how she's making her mistakes.

I like Flaming Turnip's suggestion very, very much as well.

These are really helpful suggestions.
Honestly, I wouldn't step in at all to help, as I think the teacher needs to see where her mistakes are so SHE can steer her in the right direction. Problem is, it's the teacher who has said we are supposed to go over the homework- so I don't really have a choice right now.

I think the biggest problem is that when she gets so angry there's no opportunity to even get one word in edgewise to have a reasonable conversation about it. I agree that one of the most important things to do is to wait until we've both cooled down.

I'm definitely going to refer to some of these suggestions though and really appreciate people taking the time to think about this.

She needs to learn to accept responsibility for herself. Blaming you means she is not responsible for what she did. Wrong.

I would tell her that she is not allowed to blame anyone for her mistakes and when she talks about her mistakes, she can only talk about herself, what she did or didn't do - no one else. She has to learn to accept personal responsibility.

There is nothing wrong with her not wanting your help. I would say okay and let her be. And if she did it wrong because she didn't fully understand or follow the directions, then she will learn from that mistake. If we constantly check their work and never let them fail on their own, we are not doing them any favors. Lessons are learned through failures.

Ask her to tell you about the project first. Ask her lots of questions to help her get her plan in place. It will also help to make sure that she really knows what to do. Then ask her if you can see it when she is done with _______ (whatever step 1 is). Continue until the project is done.

I have had my son go through and do projects wrong and have to redo them. Or ,even worse, do it WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE and turn it in without checking it over or half done because he is just that excited to turn it in.

When she gets a special project, try sitting down with her and just going through the requirements together. Have her tell you what she plans to do and listen carefully, making sure she isn't missing any key elements. Let her do the talking and just sit quietly. Don't interrupt - make a list of things you notice as potential problems while she's talking and discuss them when she's finished.

You can help her understand and prepare for the assignment without actually helping her do it or giving her ideas of what to do.