Problem Child in Neighborhood

Wow, that's a loaded question. I grew up in a similar neighborhood and the girl across the street was my playmate from nursery school age. She was also this way, being sneaky and mean, but totally nice and polite in front of my mom. But she had all the cool toys (I guess mom & dad gave her toys in exchange for their time), so I always wanted to play with her. We'd get in fights, but after a couple of hours one of us started hanging out in front of the house hoping the other would come out and we'd eventually make up.

I think you're doing the right thing in allowing your girls to play with her supervised closely, even though the rest of the neighborhood won't associate. You're teaching your girls how to be polite and accepting of all people instead of teaching them to be judgemental like the other girl in your neighborhood who snubs your children based on association.

I think this is a VERY good teaching tool. Work with your girls to understand why people are so quick to judge and how inappropriate it is to judge people based on their associations. If the "problem" child were truly nothing but that, your girls would disassociate from her on their own. I think kids in general tend to know when enough is enough. Until then, you're keeping a close eye on them, giving that "problem" child some attention which is probably all she really ever needs, instilling in her a trust of adults and hopefully molding her as well as your daughter into upstanding citizens of the world.

Good luck.

She probably is learning more appropriate behaviors by being around you. I would allow her to be around your girls in supervised playtimes. It may be that she just needs the attention. Children learn early on that negative attention is better than no attention at all. I say to go ahead and let her come to play but have them play in very public areas of your house. the kitchen, and family room/living room. not in the bedroom or basement with the doors closed. and not outside alone. your post doesn't say how old your children are but eventually they will be in situations that you are not able to monitor. so give them a good foundation of it now and they will be able to handle it on their own later. good luck

I think it would be appropriate to let your children figure this one out for themselves.
I think since they are home schooled, they may not yet have learned the whole social dynamic and cliquish thing that goes on in school (not that that is a bad thing), but it exists in the real, adult world as well. With whom you associate will reflect back on you - important social lesson to be learned!

Keep on supervising them closely when the girl is over, but let them make they call whether they want to play with her ow not. And when they get dissed by other kids or notice how she drives a wedge between them, explain to them what you observe she is doing - but don't pass judgment. It sounds like your girls are smart enough to figure this one out for themselves.
Good luck!

I think you should give her a chance, if she changes her ways then thats great! Give her some more time. Maybe your daughter's behaviors will rub off on her. Anyone can change, maybe she just needs a positive role model, someone to steer her in the right direction.

If we always "hang with" only those who imbody our beliefs than how are we to witness proper behavior to other people. It seems that you have to choose which is more important: being in the "core" neighborhood clique who seem too busy themselves to bother with any disturbances except the ones they create or helping to manifest the proper "love thy neighbor" attitude this country is built on. It seems you have instilled the proper measures to help your daughters know right from wrong and they inturn could show by example the wayward child. "It takes a village to raise a child" and these days people are too wrapped up in doing what is good for themselves. Your daughters may be very capable of handling this child over time with your constant supervision. The naysayers are the ones not willing to put in the same time or effort you do. They have jobs outside of the home and by the time they get home to have family time they probably don't want to usurp it training someone else's child. That is why it takes a whole village. Some of us don't work outside of the home and it falls on us to correct the neglect. I am sure by now you can see that I am a work-from-home mother and I have been put in the same position. I chose to do what is right for MY family which isn't to say that the "core" neighbors like my family anymore. However over the past 2 1/2 years of standing my ground my neighbors see that I and my family are "good, decent folks" and while we don't party with any of my neighbors, I have better relationships with them now. I find other families that reflect the same beliefs for manners etc... outside of my neighborhood to "party" with. My kids (13,14, and 17) have shown that over time my process has enabled them to be an upstanding example of neighborly love and patience and yet still choose their friends wisely. One even hangs around the "misfits" because it is harder than hanging out with the allegedly "popular" set. When the behavior progresses to negligent acts then my children remove themselves. People will tell you that "you are who you hang with". That sounds like segregation at it's basic level. Catholics over here, Protestants over there. This skin color here, that skin color over there. We are a melting pot of more than just race and religion. We have to come together if this country is going to make it.

Ah yes, every neighborhood has these kids, we did when we were little and our daughter did here in this neighbor.hood. We loved the parents and the children were beautiful and are extremely intelligent, but we all have decided, they are evil..
They kept up their outside charm, but they are still just awful. If you mention their names, people literally groan.

Example, we invited the entire neighborhood to our home for Thanksgiving.. Our daughter came crying and told us the girls had been mean. She then took me to the chalk board where there was a drawing of a person next to it it said (my husbands name and FATSO) The girls had asked my daughter, "how can you love your dad when he is so fat, yucky!" The girls were 4. This is after they had fed a 3 1/2 year old an entire box of chocolates they had found in a drawer, that had been "childproofed".

We kept trying to include them in everything and keep a close eye, but it never failed, they would bully, make fun of, encourage others to do AWFUL things. A couple of parents witnessed some of the tactics and finally we had one parent who was best friends say something to the mom.. the mom just smiled and said, "it was really hard to believe".. The father became furious..

We had to just drop them. Thank goodness they moved to another part of the neighborhood, but they still continued to attend the neighborhood schools.. They still continue this behavior.. Our child now attends college 2800 miles away and guess what ? Those girls are up there about 8 miles from our daughter!

Follow your gut. DO talk to the other neighbors and let them know you really stay close by to monitor her behavior so that they will feel it is safe . Maybe this will encourage them to do the same.. We just got tired of it..

Unless she is doing really dangerous or damaging stuff spending some time with this girl may be good for your daughters. It sounds like you have a great realtionship with them and they are old enough to learn to stand up for themselves and learn the life lesson that not eveyone is going to have the same values. I also agree it will be good for the girl. Set very clear house rules and if she breaks them or causes emotional stress than she goes home immediately. You might find as your values get reinforced and you allow her to spend time with you and your family she will stop the negative behavior in order to stick around. If she doesn't it's a good life lesson for both your children and her. Finally, forget about what the other neighbors think. When my kids were small we lived in a family neighborhood and developed a close relationship with a family that had 4 little girls close in age to my daughters. They were allow more freedom than the other kids in the neighborhood and the rest of the families sort of looked down thier noses at them. I suspect there was a racial aspect as they were Mexican-American but of course you can't prove that. The joke was that these girls were sweetest, most polite, respectful children you will ever meet. They along with my kids had a such an incredible childhood together full of bikes, art projects, pretend games and so much fun. Our families formed a very tight friendship that has endured even two years after we moved 30 min. away (they were just here last weekend). If we had listened to the neighbors or worried what they thought we would have missed a lifelong friendship that is so beneficial to both our families.

To put it simply...no, I don't think it's worth it. It's too bad for the girl, because she will probably be left with no one to play with. But no matter what, your daughters come first, and you are right: they will pick up on some behaviors from this girl no matter how much you try to prevent it. You may feel like you are doing a good deed, and you are. She probably desperately needs some direction. However you should not be the one to take that on at your daughter's expense. Especially if the other families are going to push your daughters away because of their association with her. I think a supervised visit every month or two [or not at all] is plenty. You described her as a "problem child"...when your daughters are older, would you want them to hang out with the "problem teens" or "problem adults"? Probably not. I think it's better to teach them that they should avoid those people even if they feel sorry for them
ETA: The reason I think this is because I had a friend like that when I was younger [around when I was 8-13 or so] and she went on to steal, have sex at a young age, drop out of high school, etc. Eventually I realized on my own that the relationship was not worth the stress after getting caught with her in a store after SHE stole something.
My friend also has a son that plays with a "problem child" [they are 10 and 11] and that boy is also just like you described...super nice and well behaved around adults, but when they go outside to play together unsupervised, he is mean and teases my friend's son even though they are "friends", and his usual activities are spray painting garages, throwing rocks at animals, stealing hubcaps off of cars, and smoking!!!

Can you talk to some of the other parents in the neighborhood to let them know that your children only play with her when you supervise so that they know that your children aren't picking up any bad habits from her. And that you are hoping that she will learn some good behavior from you & your children?

We have had the exact same situation. We have 3 boys across the street who are way out of hand....calling their mom a loser and she says nothing. Letting her boys watch PG-13 movies with TONS of violence at 3 years old.

We limited time with them and were always within 30 feet of them after we realized how far things can go and how quickly they do. It's too much of a hassle. My sons ask to play with them (we homeschool too) and my response is quick and it's "no." My oldest will ask why and I ask him why back and he tells me why. He knows how rude they are. They hit each other and kick each other and scream and fight....<sigh> The broke my fence with a golf club they stole from my garage (which was in a closed golf bag inside a cabinet)....and the oldest is 8. The mom didn't even have them apologize or offer to fix it or anything. After watching some Star Wars movie, their middle son literally choked my son , who was on the ground trying to catch his breath and he was not letting go - the mom saw him doing it and asked why he did it...because some character is the movie did it. Nice. My son was hurting and crying...and because we've taught him that it's inappropraite to hit....he didn't. <sigh> After that, we had to chat with him and tell him that there are times to hit....but he was only 5 at the time.

I'm following my instinct and I don't allow them to play. I keep us busy on the weekends and during they week, the nieghbor boys are at school and then at sports. We have purposefully put our kids in a different district for sports, to make sure they are never on the same team.

My son has tons of social time with other kids, but I get to choose who he plays with while his whoel foundation for his life is being laid. I'm stupid enough to think that he won't encounter people in the world like this, but at least when he does, he'll know it's wrong.