Private Parts...

Really can't add much to all this great advise, but just want to remind you that "Evil is in the eye of the beholder" and shouldn't be any part of the equasion for the little ones.
Smiles,
C. S.

R.,

I think that before we ask our children to tell the truth about s anything they need to know the meaning of the "truth". How we feel about the truth and how it's not good to lie, no matter what they have done, that mommy and daddy's will not be mad and they will NOT be in trouble not matter what they have done and you'll still love them. I told my daughter that the truth is "i love you" and a lie is " don't love you" so everytime she thinks she'll get in trouble for doing something she's too scared to tell me, because she doesn't know how bad it may be. She'll say mommy i love you, and whatever happened.

About who did what, they are very courious at this age, and forevermore, just talk to them about it and since they were both in the act, both need to be talked to. Hope all the best :)

Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think this is "perfectly normal behavior". I know kids are curious, but if she really told him to "unbutton his pants and let her", then she's very possibly heard this somewhere or had this done to her!! I say better safe than sorry and both moms need to have a talk w/the kids about what is okay/not okay (especially from people other than parents, etc.). It's never too early. I heard a similar story on Dr. Laura a few weeks ago and at first thought, "so what, maybe kids do that", but she basically freaked on the mother and said that it really needed to be looked into further. Again, kids are curious, but the wording would make me wary. Obviously, blaming a little boy/girl is ridiculous, they are completely innocent! I'd just be aware and have a heart to heart w/your sister.

http://www.amazon.com/How-Was-Born-Lennart-Nilsson/dp/038...

My girls have this book on human reproduction and really enjoy it. You can read what you feel is age appropriate. They know that everyone has a 'teetee' and that girls and boys are just different. They are 2, 3 and 4 so we haven't talked about the actual act of sex yet, I feel that they lack the maturity. if you told her son he might try it with his cousin!

Anyway, check out that book. And as far as your sister goes, you can't do anything about what she thinks, just apologize and say that WHOEVER started it doesn't matter because they are very young and at this point just need to know SAFETY in that NO ONE other then mommy touches them there.

S.

I dont really have any advise other then the fact that there is NO blame here. They are kids and they dont know better yet. Dont let anyone blame anyone. It is just simply time to tell your son that NO ONE should be touching is privates other than mommy, daddy and the doctor. Good luck and this is normal for many kids.

This is ur sista right You both grew up in the same house, same set of rules, i'm guessing. Maybe you should remind her of that. That she knows you ur her sista an she should know that you would NOT teach ur son it's ok to do things of this nature. To me it's an eye opener that it's time to talk to them about their bodies. So if she wants to point blame on anyone she has to point it at herself. An same goes to you for not havin this talk already. BUT how many mom's have this subject penned in the date books. Especially if they don't have older kids. I have a 10 yr old so my 4 yr old has already had this talk (smile).

I think it's perfectly normal for kids to be curious about their own bodies, and bodies that are different from their own. It sounds like some discussion about what's private and what's not might be in order, but I would be very careful to stay away from any language that indicates shame or embarrassment. You could find some anatomical drawings online or at the library and use them to discuss the differences between boys and girls, or just plain talk about it. Remember that at this age there is nothing sexual going on - it's about exploration and information. Give that information freely!

I have a bunch of kids and this is called DISCOVERY! They all discover is different ways. But NOW is the time to teach about proper and improper touching. They are well old enough to understand this. In todays society where there are so many sickos it is needed that they be taught proper and improper touching. Tell your sister to chill.

Kids are very curious! The biggest issue is to not overreact when you "catch" him or them doing something like that. I have a 4 yr old girl and a 2 yr old boy. Our rule is you may touch your own bottom, but not someone elses, and it is not ok for someone else to touch your bottom. We still "catch" things, but its just a curious age. We calmly and quietly remind them of the rule.

Without making him feel guilty, explain to him that girls and boys are different, as he has discovered, and that his private parts are very special and should not be touched by others, even if they ask to either touch or be touched. This needs to be a more than once conversation. As for his aunt, she should know that children this small are innocent and are not doing this out of malice but curiosity, which at their age does not have the sexual connotation that it would in, say, a 15 year old. By all means, don't make them feel that they did something horrible, but just explain 'we don't do that.'

Hi R.,

I think that you and your sister are really worried for no reason. Any child psychologist will tell you that what your children were doing was perfectly normal. I bet 99% of the mothers that use this site who have children old enough could share a story of their children engaging it some type of behavior that may appear as "deviant" but is perfectly natural. That being said, this is the perfect time for you to start discussing that private parts are just that - private. No one should be looking or touching except for mommy, daddy and the doctor. It's not a conversation you will have just one time. You will need to remind him again and again. There are many books out there that discuss this issue in great length. Again, it's very normal so don't worry that he's going to be a little sex feign when he's six :-)

It sounds like your sister is really worried about this! Please do tell her (and reassure yourself) that it is normal for kids to 'play doctor' and typically the 'goal' of the behavior is that they are curious--this isn't a bad thing! Childhood sexual behavior is different from adult sexual behavior. Most importantly, I encourage you both to treat this as an invitation--a teachable moment. We as parents need to talk with our kids about privacy, and bodies, and our values, etc. (parents are the very best teachers about many things-particularly about sexuality!) There's a lot of good information the internet about this, and I always recommend the book "From Diapers to Dating" for parents who come to me with questions like this. Also (and I hope this is okay to say here...) I teach a class in Austin for parents about healthy childhood sexual development, and how to talk to your kids about sex. More info is available on the website: www.beyondbirdsandbees.com Good luck and take care!

From everything I've read and heard, your son and neice's behavior is normal. Kids realize that they're different from one another at this age and are curious. They are only doing what's natural to them. I would just explain that his "parts" are private. You can use the medical terms if you want. This way there is no confusion. Tell him that he alone is allowed to touch his parts (aside from you or husband cleaning him) and a girl's or other boy's parts are their's only. If he's curious about himself, then he can do it in the privacy of his own room. You don't have to get into a long explanation or make it more complicated than it is. Be straightforward and keep terms simple.

I had the same type of issue with my son. It is normal. Be as calm as you can and talk to them in a matter of fact way. Don't make them feel ashamed because they really were just curious like with anything else. I tell my son that everyone has private parts that are just for him/parents/doctors to see/touch. I remind him to think of a swimming pool if he gets confused about what parts are private. The boys at the swimming pool wear bottoms and the girls wear tops and bottoms. That helped with his confusion a lot.

First I would suggest sitting down with your son and letting him know that he is not in trouble. With the tempers flying he may be afraid that he is in trouble. Then I would ask him if he has any questions about his body or that of his cousin. It is natural for children of this age to want to explore their bodies and those of the opposite sex. I went through it with my boy/girl twins around the age of three. Letting him lead the conversation with his questions will allow you to judge how much information he needs at this point to be satisfied. Then I would let him know that it is not nice to touch other people in those places or to have others touch him and let it go. Kids will usually be okay with a small amount of information without going into more mature subjects. Hope this helps.

Just wanted to share that as a teacher that has worked with children under 6 for many years, both children are right at that age of awareness, exploration, and curiosity. A lot of parents do react the way your sister has...I do think people with daughters respond differently than those with sons as well, however, it is normal and as long as it is discussed, it should pass. Make it positive, so there are no negative feelings towards parts of either of their bodies. My two are not this old yet, so I will be looking for a resource as well to find out how to exactly handle it.

Well first,
I think that it is totally normal and neither you should over-react. It's not like they sexually molested each other. They are BABIES! It isn't like he is four and she is TEN... then I'd say she has a prob. Or if it were her four and he ten!...
However, I would have a talk with your son about touching or letting anyone else touch his private parts. Private parts are only for mommy, daddy and the doctor to look at or touch, like when we help you potty or dry you from the bath or whatever you do in your family. Then, I would talk to your sister and formulate an explanation for to both of them together, so you can make sure they both hear it. AND let them know they are not in trouble, you understand their curiousity, but that what they did was not appropriate.
Unless there is a chance that ANYONE may be touching either of them inappropriately, I think you could stop it there.
There are books like: It's My Body and My Body is Private and Body Parts, etc... that may be a good tool.
GOOD LUCK!
Neither you or your sister or those babies did anything wrong.
It's a normal curiousity that went too far. But it is fixable.
Pray about it. I will.
Hugs,
E.

I wouldn't even worry about what the other mom says to her child. When her daughter is over, I would tell her that is not appropriate behavior. Even a 3 year old will understand what they can do and can't do. I have set many kids from my neighborhood straight on the rules at my house (nothing like this issue though.) If these kids in my neighborhood don't learn respect and proper behavior at their own house it doesn't mean that they can act that way at my house. It was up to me to clue them in on the rules when they are over. It's been amazing. They are following the rules beautifully and when they don't want to, they don't come over. It doesn't matter if it is your neice or not. The rules apply to ALL kids that are over to play.

Her mom will get it.

J.

Hi R.,
first I want to say you have already, in my eyes anyway have recieved very good advice. I have to boys, with not verymuch interaction with female cousins or sister etc. But I can tell you what my 9 yr old did when he was 7yrs old. It was very embarrising of course for us as parents but one day my 7yr old was playing with his (private parts)in the shower and after getting out of the shower was almost at tears telling us that it hurt. Well the first thing my husband thinks is that someone was messing with him, I of course am the calm one and asked him what happen? he said he was just playing with it in the shower and now it hurts. I explained to him that his Privates is a muscle and when you mess with it too much it will hurt.He is very curious and just likes the way it moves and so forth. I expained to him that it was nothing to be ashamed of and told him the same as the other parents, that no one other than mom, dad and doctor should ever need to see his parts. He did it one more time before he got the hint.I personally do not dress in front of my children because they are older but I teach them to be respectful of their bodies and of others. When they were very young I would not close my door when changing and they thought nothing of it.Mind you we dont walk around naked or anything like that, and now that they are older we close the doors when bathing or changing. Again no one is to blame, and if you make it a big deal it could hurt his self esteem, just explain to him that private parts are private and because like all children he will have to be reminded of that. Good luck.

There is no one to blame here! Please don't sexualize this behaivor, its curiousity. Don't make this a bigger deal then what it is, just talk to your son about what is appropriate, like keeping his cloths on when he is playing, something like that.

First of all...these are KIDS!!!! I don't think "Blame" should be anywhere in this equation. Having taught this age for many years I must say that it affects us as adults waaaaay more than it will these little ones. They are exploring....I bet if you think back far enough you might remember a time when you did the exact same thing! Kids are curious...unfortunately, in our sex obsessed world, this is not "innocent exploration" anymore. We read into it that if a child knows what to look for then there must be some molestation going on and yada yada yada. Tell your sister and family to take a chill pill...remember that these are young, innocent children who are curious...follow the advice of some below (maybe have your sister and her kid and you and yours sit down TOGETHER to explain that it's innapropriate and that only mommies and daddies can see those parts....etc. - then it holds them both accountable to each other to not do that again because they were in the same conversation) and don't freak out. IT'S NORMAL CHILD BEHAVIOR at this age! I do believe a conversation needs to be had b/c, let's face it, you can never be too careful...but don't make your little man feel guilty. He didn't do anything wrong. Chalk it up to curiosity and childish irresponsibility. If he does it again after he's been told, then that's a punishable offense. I hope this helps...I hate it when kids get blamed for just being kids, ya know? :)

This is normal curious behavior for this age group. It's an opportunity to teach about appropriate and inappropriate touching, and how we each control our bodies and where the boundaries should be. Overreacting just makes it that much more "fun." I agree with the other Moms--this is not sexual behavior at this point, but it needs to be addressed as one area we don't "share" with others like we share toys. It's so easy to be filled with fear regarding this issue with all the horror stories we hear and see in the media. As with most things regarding parenting, a balanced approach is usually best.

I am so relieved to hear another mom talk about this sort of thing. My daughter and her friend (girl) wre caught in a similar situation and I was so disturbed by it that we now don't let them out of our sight when they play. She knew it was wrong, too, but I feel like it is a normal part of development...I just wasn't expecting it so early on...she is 4 1/2 her friend is 4 too...I talked to her about privacy and told her if she was ever curious I would rather her come to me with questions than experiment on her friend... I'm not sure really what the best answer is, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in dealing with this, and don't feel guilty or let other parents make you look at your son any differently...as parents we don't always have all the answers, but if we do everything out of love, only good will come of it...
S.
Katy, TX

Hi R.,

I too had a similar situation, but with a friends child. At 3 and 4, the kids just want to know if they are the same (boys seeing boys & girls seeing girls) or if they are different (boys & girls seeing each other). It's all very innocent. When it happened with my older son, I sat both children down together, no blame on either, and explained that I understand that they wanted to see if they were the same or different, but private parts are only shown to mommy, daddy, grandparents, etc. in your case. I also said there are parts of the body that we show each other: arms, legs, hand, face. But these parts, (I would point to the parts on my son) are private so we don't show them to anyone. My son is now 10 and I haven't had a problem since.

No one child is to blame here, they were both curious. However, with that said, as a mother of 2 boys it's always easier to blame boys. One final note, if you make a big deal out of it then they will become more curious and do it with other children, but if it's a simple talk and then over...it will most likely be over.

Best of luck,
L.

Hi!

This all sounds perfectly normal to me. Kids are interested in everything, not only what we consider 'nice'. And since privates are part of themselves and others, they are even more interested! These two children are showing natural curiosity (much stranger if they seemed not to notice there was a difference...!) Such games are very normal in children about that age.
They need a bit of explanation. Something simple, like 'girls have (insert nickname of your preference) and boys have (insert nickname of your preference). You might even go further to explain that mommy is a girl and has a (...) while daddy is a boy and has a (...). You might also explain that these parts are 'porivate' or 'precious' or 'hidden' (not dirty), and that we only show them to the people we love the most (like mommy and daddy or maybe the doctor-explain why), and so on.
The more matter of factly you state this and the more matter of factly you act when he mentions it or asks about it, the more naturally he will take it, putting it together in his head with all the other strange things of this world (like lamps that go on and off, big airplanes in the sky, etc, etc). If you act all perturbed or like it's a big deal, it will become a big deal for him and he might become more curious and/or scared of his own body or of asking about it. After all the basic biological facts are ones that we all need to know, and making a mystery out of them just makes them scary and/or fascinating.
If he asks about more specific information, give it to him in tidbits, simply and not answering more than what he asks. That way he won't get information he is not ready for.
Same goes for the niece, if possible. Girls have as much curiosity about their bodies as boys, and especially need to be reassured that there's nothing 'dirty' about their bodies (because that message is all around!).
And all children need to know that there's nothing wrong with being curious, exploring and asking questions.

That's my take.
I'm not a psychologist but my mother is and I have read a lot about this kind of stuff.

Good luck!
G.

i would try and talk to the other mother-alone-and try to come to an agreement on how this is just natural...and that both of you need to talk to the kids--either alone or together--and let them know it is ok to be curious, just not ok to investigate all the time...good luck--i haven't been there yet but it seems very natural and normal to be curious...try not to let it cause a riff between you and the other mom...

When my son was about three I would tell him occasionally when I bathed him or dressed him that his private parts should only be touched when we're bathing him and sometimes at the doctor's office. I also tell him not to let anyone touch down there no matter what (except us when bathing and a doctor) and to tell me if anyone ever tries to.

I would not worry about them blaming your kid. If they are crazy enough to see a four year-old as perverted then just ignore them. You can't reason with them anyway. Kids push boundaries at this age, but I'd just give him a couple of nice long lectures about what the "private" in private parts means and not fret.

Hi R.,

You've gotten some wisdom in many of these responses!

Like everything else in parenting, this is ultimately an opportunity for you to know YOURSELF better, your true voice, and intuitive silences, which will naturally create an impact with your sister, over time. And just because we are siblings does not mean we approach pregnancy, birth, and parenting similarly!!! Many sisters are quite different, depending on various factors...

It's a self-aware presence that gives the empowerment to keep up with the continual changes that child development is.

I'd like to add that the proper formal english terminology for the EXTERNAL female genitals is actually "vulva" ... an easier term for little ones to say, too! The fact that many adult women are teaching children the incorrect term for this i.e., "vagina" (which is the internal passage, closed by the hymen until much later in adolescence), is a statement of the sexual ignorance that we actually have in ourselves, and unknowingly pass on.

There are other languages that refer to the genitalia as a one-word system, such as sanskrit's yoni/lingam... but many modern languages are anatomically precise in separating all the nuts & bolts (no pun intended).

Why are you and your sister making such a big deal about this? Your children are three and four years old. Quit putting your ideas of sexuality on them. They are just curious; there's nothing dreadful or sexual about what they were doing, and there is no blame to be assessed anywhere. The less fuss you make about the incident, the better, although I suspect you and your sister have already beat the subject to death. Later on, quietly, explain to your son that boys and girls have differences as he and his cousin found out, and that those differences are very private. Take this opportunity to explain, also, that if anyone ever touches or tries to touch them "there" to scream loudly and run away, and tell you immediately. It is never too early to start educating them about child molestation, and how to protect themselves.
As for the experimentation of babies...you and your sis are making a mountain out of a molehill.
My qualifications? Three children and five grandchildren, plus a large extended family when I was a child. By the way, I checked out my cousin, too, when I was about four. We had to use the same potty in a house full of kids and adults, and it was no big deal. If I was scarred for life, I didn't realize it.

Tell him that his parts are not to be shown to anyone. Only you (his parents) and a doctor or nurse can see his goodies. Private parts are just that, and if he feels the need to examine them he cannot do so in front of anyone - he will have to do that in the bathroom or bedroom by himself. As to the other child, make sure you remind them not to look at eachother because it's nasty (which is a word they will both get) and monitor them as much as you can. I'm coming from the viewpoint of a boy who was abused by a girl when he was younger and I told him it was wrong for her to want to do that and that he should tell me if anyone tried to see his privates.

This seems to be pretty normal for this age. The discovery of body parts is something that I am in the midst of as well. I approach it from a couple different points, but I never want to give the impression of the parts as bad, in and of themselves. I go the hygiene approach with "these parts are very sensitive and your hands have alot of yucky germs. We should only touch these parts to wipe after potty time or wash at bath time". I also approach it with "these parts are very special and not just anyone should touch them. Only people like mommy or daddy, or the doctor can touch these parts, but only if there is a good reason, ie. to make sure they are healthy. Mommy and daddy should be with you and the person should ask first. These are special, like mommy's special dishes that we only use if we ask first." Avoid saying things like "No one should every touch them!!", because that's not true and it makes them seem bad. I would address it with both kids together, since they have discovered these parts together. Stop blaming each other or the kids. We are not talking about 13 year olds, they are just little kids and don't have the bad intentions that we associate with this type of behavior. My 20 month old touches her brother's eyes because she thinks their neat. Same with this, especially because the parts are different!! Good luck and remember, they aren't being perverted, they're just being kids!! Try to laugh about it.
Just a note, you don't want to freak out!! Both you and your sister have an opportunity to teach you kids how awesome it is that they came to you. Your reaction now can set up how they will discuss these things in the future. I would affirm them for telling you. If you have already freaked out in front of the kids, I would explain that you were upset because you care about them and this is important to you. Saying that they should always tell you if they do something with someone that makes them uncomfortable or feel weird is very important. They can always ask you if something is a good choice or a bad choice and you can decide together. This is a great teaching moment!!