Preteen Daughter's Friend

I think Rebecca M.'s thoughts are right on. The only thing I would add is that when I was in junior high and even high school, I was HAPPY to be able to opt out of a few questionable activities with my peers by telling them I wasn't "allowed." Sometimes I'd chafe at all the rules (in my case, my mom really went overboard, and a younger sister seriously rebelled).

But I think kids really do want and appreciate reasonable boundaries, even if they complain about them.

I see this going very badly, and causing distrust between your daughter and yourself. I have a 10 year old and we have also had some friend issues. The best solution I found was only letting her see her friend outside of school under my supervision. No on-their-own play time, really. Also, I pointed out the bad choices she makes in this friend's presence, (in casual non-confrontational, not in-the-moment conversations) and she started to really see it, and has distanced herself on her own. They still play at school but they are not nearly so close. But the conversations can't be about a "bad friend" but your daughter's poor choices when she is influenced by someone in particular. there is a big difference, and it takes her ability to defend her friend away.

Good luck,
Beth

So far she sounds like a normal tween. =) Believe me, I feel your pain, I also have a 11 year old girl (she's child number 7 so I have been in this spot a few times). It sounds like your daughter understands the rules of the household, which is good! She is at least respecting them so far. The whole deal with the friend helping (or not in this case) move is VERY typical. Just remember that a lot of people these days don't have as strict rules. Make it clear to your daughter that rules don't stop just because her friend's parents seem to be more relaxed. Have a discussion with both girls that informs the other girl that you have certain rules and you would ask that she respect them (might want to let the other mom know too). Just like you would expect your daughter to respect the rules in her friends house.
Take a deep breath and try and remember what it was like at that age. As long as your daughter isn't doing something horrible then go with it. If the other girl gets disrespectful then that will have to be another discussion. For now see how it goes and let us know. =)

Wow some of these responses are harsh! I wasnt going to respond but.... Okay first of all everything your are feeling is normal!! It is very hard and scary to let our children grow and adventure out away from us. Form personal experience 11 is a very difficult age, she really wants to start growing and see things in her own way. As painful as it is we need to let them but also have some very stern ground rules. Your daughter sounds pretty responsible. Instead of saying you cant go to the mall with your friend, why dont you take the two to the mall and do some shopping and let the girls hang out. Have her meet you and a certain place about an hour later. that way she is feeling that you trust her and you have the peace of mind knowing that you can still have a lttle control of the situation. The make up thing, well thats pretty normal around that age. Are you willing to compromise with her on this? Allow her to only wear a little blush and lip gloss (or maybe mscara). Help her pick colors that fit her complexion and use it as some mom daughter time. The not getting anything done issue, that was grounds for grounding when I as growing up. Though honestly most kids wont get something done with a friend there. Blowing up probably wasnt the best, but I can see out of frusteration. I too would of had the friend leave and put your daughter to work, as she did break a promise. I have learned that we need to compromise with our kids. We want them to act mature and all that but whent hey try we shudder and want to hold them back. Be patient with your daughter and always keep the communication open. She loves you and will always want to know that yo are behind her. Hang in there and talk to her and find a spot you both agree on with the issues you are butting heads with.

You have to teach you child that if you cannot trust her with the little things, you cannot trust her with the big things. There will always be outside forces pushing on your daughter to disobey, but ultimately, it is your DAUGHTER'S decision if she will obey your wishes or not.Therefore she should be held accountable. I wouldn't scratch the other girl completely off the list unless she is doing drugs, lying to parents,has no curfew, etc. but I would put my daughter on restriction from seeing her for a week and tell her everytime she disobeys you find it more and more difficult to trust her. Eventually she will want to go out without you to movies, or want to drive, and you can't let her if she shows you can't trust her. She needs to start building your trust in her now.

I have a 12 yr old, we also just moved, and I tell you, even though she is very responsible, I played heck getting her or any of my kids to help pack. I think it is just overwhelming for them.

Hello Jeannie-

You're in a tough position, because you are not just dealing with today's behavior, but setting the standard for future behaviors. Right now, you guys have a good relationship, which is great, but you need to "tread lightly" to keep that relationship and open communication as the teenage years start.

If you are too harsh, your child's friends MAY use peer pressure for your daughter to break the rules, "your Mom will never know if you..." On the other hand, staying within your family values is also important, so you cannot be bullied to stray from what you believe in.

I'm a parent coach, and it's important to me that parents and children create a relationship based on respect and honest, because with this base, children are more likely to come to you when they are introuble as teens, (I used this system when I was a Nanny, my former charges are now 12 & 13 and I get calls all the time asking for advise about___. It makes me happy to know they will not try to handle big issues alone).

I advise parents to create household rules WITH thier children along with written consequences for those rules, again, the child helps with the consequences. This way the child is a part of the entire process and not only aware of the rules, but is more likely to follow them.

Sit down with your daughter, have her tell you honestly what she wants to do & why. Then tell her honestly what you what and why. Next create the rules you want followed together, try to provide her with some freedoms based on what she wants. She will really appreciate that and comply better.

Next, talk to your daughter about ways for HER to handle when her friends can do something you don't want her to do. It's hard, (I know, my Mom was very strict through my high school years), to tell your freinds, "My Mom won't let me" kids feel like a baby and then start trying to find 'work arounds' to the issue.

I also suggest you think of ways for your daughter to experience situations like her friends while staying with in your comfort zone. Maybe you go to the mall with your daughter, give her a cell phone and you go to one store & your daughter & friend goes to another.

I hope this helps. Children at 11 are still children, but so often allowed to act like older teens/adults. Parents are thrown in the middle, and it's never easy!

R. Magby

I think you should try to find times when it would be okay for your daughter to continue her friendship outside of school. Set up times when you will be around for her friend to come over. During a weekend, take the kids to the mall and you have coffee or shop while they hang out a bit. Have a meetup time and place.

This gives some freedoms to your daughter who is trying to spread her wings (and they all do sooner or later), it allows her to hang out with her friend, and you both can build some trust in one another.

Having a pre-teen isn't easy and they are looking for independence, just be consistant and keep boundries in place. Kids really do want boundries, it helps them feel secure and loved.
Happy parenting,
D. (a middle school teacher)

I now have grown up children. I am sorry, but now I wish I would have disallowed my sons to be with certain people after school. Now they have turned into fine young men, but not without suffering. So even though I go against a lot of the expert opinions, which I actually went along with before which is why I let them have the freedom to see those people, I suggest that she sees her or anyone you are nervous about, when you are available to be around, in another room, or can supervise. I feel that I could have avoided some problems had I done that rather listening to some of the people who have very optimistic, wonderful open ideas and let people spread their wings before it is time.

Honestly, I think the problem is probably less your daughter's friend and more that she's growing up. I would sit down and seriously talk to your daughter about your concerns (not with her friend - she controls her own behavior), but I think you may also need to give a little. Tweens do watch movies instead of doing their chores, they do experiment with make-up, and they do want a little more freedom. I agree with Helen that now may be a good time to talk about how rules differ from family to family, which doesn't change the rules at your house at all.

I think disallowing your daughter from seeing this girl outside of school is really quite a bad idea. I was a very good kid, and it sounds like your daughter is, too. I tried to do things my parents wanted of me (within my own lazy adolescent mind), but I think that if my mother had ever told me I couldn't see one of my friends, especially if I was out trying to make new friends because my old group wasn't available, the only thing that would have changed would have been how much I told my mother about who I was with after school. That's not the result you want, and since she's at the age where she's going to be spreading her wings more and more over the next couple of years, I think a better idea would be to address your daughter (not her friendships) and remind your daughter that you trust her, and you hope she will never, ever give you a reason to doubt that trust. Good luck.

The best advice we ever got was to keep our kids busy enough so they don't have time for these kinds of friends. That is easier said than done, but if your daughter could get into a sport, or other activities that would become less time she has for friends you might not care for. Unfortunately banning certain friends will have the opposite effect...your daughter will probably resent it, and may even rebel a little by making more of effort to see this friend. Unless you fear for her safety, I don't think you can tell her who she can hang out with and who she can't. From what I see, Junior high is tough, and with the knowledge and freedoms that kids have these days, - it just makes it all the tougher.
You are a wonderful Mom, because you care so much - good luck on the rough road of jr. high.

At 11 years old, your daughter's "rebellion" is age appropriate. Kids this age are trying on new identities. It's also very important you and your daughter maintain a relationship. She needs you even during times when she's rather die than admit it. Pick your battles wisely. Banning a friendship with this girl may make her more appealing to your daughter. Further any time your daughter chooses to spend with her would be behind your back.

I didn't read all of the responses so I don't know if this has already been said, but maybe it's time to get to know your daughter's friend's family. Perhaps have a parent over for coffee, or go to the mall with the girls - they can hang out while you and the other parent(s) talk. I was a single parent for 7 years, and I found that I got into the thought process that it was my way or the "highway." After getting married, there has been much give and take regarding parenting. Things that I previously was staunchly against I have had to soften on a bit. Sometimes just getting other people's perspective helps ensure that your opinions are well founded and not just gut reactions. Obviously, there are quite a few moms who don't think that eye makeup at 11 is a huge deal etc... I definitely think that sitting down and discussing what is expected/boundaries with your daughter would be more than appropriate, and discuss the ramifications when these expectations are not met. Then be sure to follow through with the punishment. We had a similar discussion with my now 12 yr old when he was 11. We wrote down the expectations and subsequent punishments and we all signed the agreement. That way he knew how we expected him to act and what to expect when he did not. I have also had lots of his friends that had more freedom than him, and I really found that getting to know the parents helped. That way I knew what their expectations were and they knew mine. Now when the parents, and my child, aren't sure if I will approve of something, they call to discuss it with me. Good luck, I wish I could say it gets easier, but I really don't think it does. Welcome to teenagehood.

You have to be super careful with forbidding teens to do anything! You would be much better off putting limits on their time together... once a week, only when you are there, only on weekends, etc.... Also, encourage your daughter to meet other girls too. You might consider signing her up for some activity that does not include this girl so she has the chance to meet others.

I don't think I'd disallow her hanging out with this girl, only because your daughter may feel the need to rebel against that. Can you talk to your daughter 1:1 about the things that are bothering you? Make her understand your concerns? Maybe you could call the girls mom and plan a coffee date with the four of you together so you can meet the mom in person and see if there is cause for concern. If you don't like the mom, I would say you could disallow your daughter seeing the girl anymore except at school. I hated that rule when my mom imposed it, but I completely understand now! Good luck! It sounds like a fine line between being protective and safe, and causing a situation of rebellion. I think talking, talking, talking, about it with your daughter is the key.

The only time I ever totally lost respect for my Mom's role as the head of the family was the time she told me I could no longer hang with my friends, and had to find new ones she liked. If she had not changed her mind and realized that they were my friends, not hers, and I loved them for who they were as they did me, then our relationship (mine to my mother) would have been forever destroyed.

That said, you have every right to set the boundaries you want followed, and to let her know that if her friend can not follow your rules while under your roof, she will no longer be welcome there. It is normal for her to ask to do new things as she grows in the hopes that the rules might change as time goes by (I was not allowed to go to the mall alone a few months ago, but maybe I am now?)so I would not be to hard on her for asking, just remind her of the rules, and maybe let her know at what age she might be able to do said thing. Being a mother is a hard job, hang in there, it sounds like you are doing just fine.

No. I would allow this friend of your child's to come over when you are there to supervise only. Then supervise with a kind eye. Don't be judgemental about her. Do some nice things while she is there. Converse...etc.

I think you would be hurting your relationship with your daughter and opening up an area for her to lie to you if you didn't allow her to spend time with her friends. After all she' known these girls a long time and is part of a close knit group.
I personally wouldn't allow them to hang out in your home for a long period of time unsupervised and too often (like everyday).
This is the start of an age where our children challenge us and try to push the limits. My advice is to hold the reins on your believes, like saying no to the eye make-up and non-parental mall hanging out but don't try to stop her hanging out with her friends. You can't control how other parents choose to parent and you can't always be popular in your decisions. Hang in there!

Well I would talk to the other girl's mom first and explain your rules to her and see if she can talk to her daughter about respecting those rules. After all if you haven't explained the rules you have to your daughter's friend your daughter probably hasn't. If that doesn't work try limiting it to when your home only and if it keeps going from there then ban her from the house. After all if she isn't her only friend then she should be ok with being around other friends. make sure you communicate openly with your daughter and making sure that she can express her feelings at the same time. It is possible there is a miscommunication.