My son just turned 5 last week. Recently, he has been making more and more negative comments about people on the basis of their appearance. For example, he doesn't want a new sitter to come back because her cheeks are "too puffy" and she is "too fat". He says he doesn't like certain schoolmates because they have "too much hair" or just simply "look funny". We have noticed since he was 2-1/2 or 3 that he tended to be more interested in making friends with girls than with boys, but always girls much older (like 10-14 years old), and always the girls that are more pretty by our society's standards. We have had several talks about beauty inside versus out, never saying negative things about people, not judging by appearance. Neither my husband nor I are exactly in shape or fashionable, and we are at a loss to understand where this is coming from. We monitor his TV time, and he attends a small, church-oriented preschool with very good and loving teachers.
I would really appreciate any suggestions about how to change this sort of attitude in one so young, or if it is even usual in kids this age. Thank you!
I have to admit I'm baffled. Maybe this is a normal thing but you've not heard of it? (me, either!) I think I would ask my pediatrician. Good Luck, this would be confusing!
A.,
I think if you are talking to your son about being considerate, and appreciative of everyone's differences then you're doing ok. My oldest is 7 and he asks questions about people different. We tell him people come in different shapes, sizes, colors, and places and that they all have something good in them. I'll tell you, he's been a flirt since 2, always liked blonde gils, chased after some teenaged girls at the mall once, luckily we had a harness on him so he couldn't go far....the girls thought he was cute and sweet. Just make sure he isnot getting any inappropriate attention from older girls and he'll be fine. what your son is going through is a normal developmental issue. As long as you teach him the right way, he'll learn from you and his daddy.
Good luck, be patient!!!
First, let me assure you this is very common and natural. Studies have shown that children are drawn to those that are "more attractive". To help him be more compassionate toward others, try having him say ten nice things about someone for each negative comment. My mother did this with me. I've done it with my children. It works wonders! Infinite Blessings! Kristy
my oldest daughter who is now 6 had big issues with that. One time we were at MacDonalds, in the play place, and this little girl with big beautiful brown eyes and long black hair, asked my daughter if she could play with her, My daughter said "No, I don't want to play with you because you are ugly" I was just shocked and humiliated, I still don't quite understand why she said it. However recently my younger daughter has started telling people that their breath stinks or their hair is ugly, or they are fat, and this includes me. The only think that I have found that has kind of worked, it telling her, right when she says it," oh that really hurts my feelings, I might cry, when you say that it makes me feel ugly, does mommy make you feel ugly? why would you want to make someone feel bad...." and actually Emilie( my oldest) seemed to grow out of it, with barely a mention, and Natalie(my youngest) seems to be keeping thoughts like that to herself, or maybe not even thinking them at all. I hope that helps a little.
A.,
He's getting it somewhere. I would suspect an older student, unless it could be a relative. What about preteen or teenage boys? It could even be someone his own age at school. Just because it's a church oriented preschool doesn't mean that there couldn't be a friend there that gets these kind of statements from his parents or an older sibling.
It could even be from a book that the teacher read with a moral that was meant to teach the opposite of what your son is saying, but sometimes the storyline starts with a bunch of stuff about why no one like someone, etc. Ask your son or his teacher if they have read any books that your son could have gotten the wrong message from. If so, you can get the book and read it to him and make sure he gets the true message of the story.
I'm sure you can change this by discussing it with him in a loving way. Good luck!
My three year old came home from Preschool one day and told me that he couldn't be friends with his then best friend anymore. WhenI asked him why, he told me that another child at the daycare told him that brown kids and white kids aren't allowed to be friends. My son was very upset. I tried to explain to my son that there is no difference between people. We are all the same. We can have different skin colors, different hair, clothes, ways we talk... It is what makes us each special.
A few months went by and we were leaving a store and he shouted Wow Mom that lady is big! I wanted to crawl into a hole. We did not teach him these things. He was now entering into the observerant stage and was being vocal about what he was seeing. It is a natural thing for children to point out differences. My son is 6 now and still points out differences, but now on a personal one on one time wiht me at our home. I still tell him that we are to love everyone regardless of what they look like. I told him that even the prettiest of people can be the big bullies in life. So no matter what a person looks like, dresses, talks like, he is to be polite and play with all kids. After continual explanation I do believe that it is sinking in. He has a variety of friends and leaves no one to feel left out.
I would speak positively about others that have differences. I have heard that children this age take notice to differences in other children, but not that they speak negatively about it. Speak positively and your child will take your lead, you're the parent. I woul also encourage you to reach out to people that don't look like you and your child. This promotes silent acceptance of others, as again you're an example to your child. I know this area isn't that diverse but at least you can try.
One place to look at is who he is hanging around with. Girls 10-14 are into looks and social acceptance. That is what is important to that age group. The want to all be alike and would "die" if they had to be different than their peers. It is also a stage when attraction and sexual developement occur and looks become all that more important and they focus on them. It may be that he needs to be around his age peers. I would not be concerned that he is attractive to people who look nice/are pretty, that is natural. If it continues, talk to your pediatrican and see if there is anything he/she can recommend. One other thing that works with my child, is that I go up to those people I hear not so nice things about, I make a point to talk to him/her and soon I seeing him doing the same. It is normal that kids pick on each/ fight, but it is rarely focused on looks at a young age in my experience. I have taught 3 years olds, 5 years and K-12. Good luck.
Hi A.,
I have a perfect exsample....hoping so anyway...my girls are 8 years apart. Because I started my family later than all my friends and family my youngest is 3 soon to be 4 in June and my oldest will be 12 in July. I'm also a SAHM been married going on 15 years. There aren't any little people that my 3 yr. old gets to play with very often. I had to have a talk with older children because my little one learns a lot from them...in good ways and in the bad. I'm constantly talking to her about how everyone is different,and how its never nice to say mean things that hurt others. It's a battle out there with all the age groups...but little ones learn what they hear and thats a fact on my end. I hope I made since....
I have heard this is a normal thing. We have 2 daughters and our oldest was absolutley amazed with anyone who was different than her. WE are white and she came home from preschool wanting corn rows because she thought they were beautiful. She also loved all teh asian children in her class because she thought they were so pretty. So the day her sister pointed to a black man in a magazine and said he was bad we were quite surprised. We talked to her about it, and could never figure out where it came from. The picture was of a professional athelete not a negative image at all. Fortunately that phase did not last long. She was about 4 years old. She also did not want to make any friends at preschool because she had 1 friend and did not need any more. Now she has many differnt looking friends I am happy to say. Our 4 year old son is now in preschool and claim he has no friends at school te teacher says he is very social. He too likes older girls his sisters friends. But so far he hasn't sad too many negative comments accept that I have a big butt. I really think they are just noticing the difference between themselves and the rest of the world and son't have the maturity to know what can be shared and what needs to be left unsaid. Good luck.
A.,
what your son is going through is not uncommon. His ideas might be being reinforced at his preschool. My daughter was in a small church oriented preschool too. We looked different. The other kids were mean to her, so I had to remove her from the preschool. We are Dominicans & most of the other kids there were white. They called my daughter "too dark" and made fun of her hair. She would cry in the morning because she did not want to go to preschool. No one wanted to be friends with the funny looking girl.
Its sad but some church oriented groups can be the most discriminating.
