Preschooler Out of Control

It looks like you've gotten a lot of good advice from the moms on here so far.
My advice may seem a little bit crazy and simple, but I am a visual learner and it really helps me to SEE things so I know exactly how to put ideas into action. The "SuperNanny", Jo Frost has written a few books that speak directly to the kinds of issues you're having with your son. If you haven't watched the show already, I would start watching "SuperNanny." She is excellent at creating schedules and setting boundaries even with the most spirited children. She is firm, yet loving. I have implemented many of her ideas in my own home and find that if you practice them consistently they work very well. The reason I suggest watching the shows in addition to getting one of her books is because I think it really helps to see her do these tactics so that you can emulate them yourself.
Anyway, if you go to Amazon.com and do a book search on Supernanny Jo Frost, her books will show up. "How to Get the Best from your Children" and "Ask Supernanny: What Every Parent Wants to Know" are good choices.
Every mother struggles with their kids behavior to some degree and even the most well-behaved children will try to push their boundaires from time to time. Finding the tools to help you when these problems arise is key. Best of luck to you!!

Time to put the foot down. We make bath at 7 and bed at 8. My son is 4-1/2 and is testing his boundaries and it sounds like your son is too. I know groceries are important but threaten and go through time out. Spanking never works with my son either but time-outs are death to him. If he tries anything like screaming or getting out of the corner tack on another minute. That's what we do and It's very effective. Getting him on a schedule will be hard just stick to your guns.

I know it's hard to hear people say to stay consistent when it seems that the only consistent thing in your life is that you are going to argue with your son everyday. But any of us that are moms can tell you that there are days and times where it's easier to just give into them than to fight with them. To win this battle, he must NEVER win.

To start with, he needs to always know what is coming next. Start by telling him what we are doing now and if applicable why. Then explain what's next. Tell him what will happen if he doesn't comply. For instance, if he takes too long to get dressed there won't be time to spend a few minutes outside blowing bubbles. If he runs from you in the store you won't get any groceries. Sure you can leave. Leave a few times and then make sure dinner is bleak. Tell him it's bleak because of the way he acted at the store. When you get ready to go to the store, plan a few minutes at the park after. If he gives you any grief at the store you don't go to the park.

You NEED to find a way to make all his consequences fit the crime. You need to make sure he has fun things to look forward to and that you are willing to take those things away. It's not really that bad to take away a toy. These kids are smart. They know they will get them back. But about the time you drive right PAST the park and he's yelling that you were supposed to stop, he'll start to understand that his actions lead to negative consequences that he actually does care about.

These books are good for ideas and solutions:
1) How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.
2) Have a new kid by Friday. By Leman.

Next, you have to start putting him in line.
Consequences.
Regularity
Consistency
Rules
Boundaries
Teaching him about manners
How to express himself, in a palatable way.
That you and he are a TEAM.... and what that means.

Teaching him HOW to express himself, good or bad, and that you AND he are there for each other... what being nice means... what love means... what helping means...

teach him how to have a conversation... not just yelling. Talk WITH him... not just lecturing.

What are his interests or talents? Try to nurture that.

Enroll him in a class... maybe Karate or something. It teaches discipline and respect etc. and structure.

Don't put up with it.

Teach him skills, problem-solving, HOW to cope with his feelings in other ways... not just yelling or tantruming. A 4 year old having a tantrum, is not 'cute.'

Have him draw what he is feeling.. then "allow" him to show it to you and talk about it. Openly without judgment etc.

Have a relationship with him, not based on talking 'at' him... BOND with him.... kids of different age-junctures, STILL need to "bond" with their Mom.... and it is manifested differently per their age set.

These things will take time... but it is important.
And, often a kid will tantrum more, when rules/consequences are put on them... but if you are CONSISTENT, they will learn.

all the best,
Susan

Here is O. resource in your area:

www.theparentingcenter.org

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and surprised the YMCA daycare didn't give you any referrals! I'm in Cali, so I'm not familiar with any programs there in TX but there must be!! You are not alone!!!!

My 4 yr. adopted son is also very defiant. We have had evaluations done through a Psychiatrist and a Child's Program here in CA called First Five! We are currently in Parent/Child Interactive Therapy (all free, through a CA program, paid for by Tobacco tax money) and I'm already seeing a difference! It works on enhancing our relationship! Has given me pointers on how to react to both his good and bad behavior and more importantly on how I can stay calm during the bad behavior times!!!!

In addition I have always closely watched his diet; limit artificial colors, nitrates, ect. Give him Omega 3 supplements, Melatonin before bed , under his ped's direction to help him wind down for bed. (TALK TO YOUR PED 1st before doing this!)

Maybe call the previous daycares, YMCA, and ask for referral for free programs! Call you son's Dr. for a behavioral evaluation or an Occupational Therapy evaluation (you son may have some sort of sensory processing disorder, he may not, simply explore all avenues) Hopefully, the Pediatrician should know of some programs out there!

Also, ask other moms. If you don't know that many moms go to meetup.com, search for mom's groups in your area and join! I have received most of my info about programs and referrals from other moms!!!!! You need a support system of other moms, especially ones also facing challenges!!!

You can get through this!!!! Please feel free to contact me through mamasource if you have any other ques. or concerns!!!

Best of luck!!!!!!

Have you tried a picture schedule or reward chart? Have a picture of each step he needs to do to get ready for bed(brush teeth, put on pajamas, get in bed) and then give him a sticker for each step he completes without arguing. The stickers are an immediate positive consequence. Then have a reward for collecting a certain number of stickers at the end of a week as a goal to work towards. This is the type of reward system my son has at school.

Hi C.,

You might want to call The Parenting Center in Ft Worth ###-###-####) and find out what programs they have that could help you and your son. I think they operate on a sliding fee scale. They offer parenting classes at many places in the Tarrant County area and also have counselors and do evaluations. I think they would have a lot of resources to help you. Good luck with your search.

We also had some luck with reward charts... gives him some control to get a reward (usually seeing a movie or going to the park etc.). Involve him in making the chart and the using stickers when he follows the schedule or bedtime routine, behavies in the store etc.... at this age he might like the "game" of it all, and it's a positive attempt at encouraging the right behavior vs. feeling like you are always punishing - which is no fun for anyone. You can even involve him in choosing the reward and ask him to help define the criteria.

I'm a huge fan of suppernanny, Jo Frost! for me the watching is as important as the reading about how to solve the problem, if you watch the show you get to see people in your situation and how the techniques really do work, and how you really have to stick to them, sometimes for hours, before you get the message across. I have also read one of her books and enjoyed it too!

Sorry I haven't read other answers so these might be repeats but the parenting center in FW is a great tool, just google them for their number, they even have a parenting help-hotline that has trained people to answer questions. I would start with them but also be reading as many books you can on discipline. The BIGGEST thing is consistency, even if it's something teeny tiny and you really want to ignore it - you HAVE to correct all poor behavior each and every time. Time outs and things like that (I don't agree with spanking as a form of punishment except for extreme cases and to be used in an appropriate manner, etc.) will only start to have an effect after 3-6 weeks or more. There is NO method that will change his behavior overnight, it will be a long process unfortunately but at his age it is something that can be changed and the best time is now. I really like the No Cry Discipline Solution book and the book called How to Talk so Children will Listen and Listen so Children Will Talk is REALLY good too. SuperNanny books I have been told are good too but haven't read them personally. Good luck and hopefully reading some books and/or talkign to the parenting center or counselors can help. I'm not sure of the situation with his dad but you mentioned a lot of changes happening, I'm sure he could benefit from some counseling too. The best kind of counselor to look for is a cognitive behaviorist so if you go that route make sure they practice that type of counseling, it's the best imo and from personal experience.

Wow-he is way out of control already. BUT-it is not too late. You are the Mom!!!! Buy the book Bringing up Boys by James Dobson and read quickly. Remember, he is bluffing and wants you to be in charge. He just doesn't know how to tell you to do it. Perameters are for our safety and he must obey the first time! It may be hard for a few days, but you can help him and he will be happier and more calm when you do this. I am praying for you.

Have you tried talking to your pediatrician. They may be give you some ideas, or refer you to a behavioral therapist (which is where they would set a game plan for you, work with him on conflict resolution, etc).

That's my best advice. It's gotta be rough - hang in there and good luck!