Preschool Dilemma - Suggestions Please!

You want to switch him schools because he has a best friend he plays with all the time?? He has the rest of his school years to try and make new friends and worry about socializing.

Unless she's a bad influence, my suggestion is to leave it alone and be glad he has a friend to play with. It'd probably traumatize him more to suddenly switch schools and have to start new than to play with the same friend everyday.

Not to mention I'm sorry but if I were the little girl's parents I'd think the reasoning behind this sounds ridiculous: 'Oh honey, he had to switch schools because you two were having too much fun playing together at preschool.'
Why create a problem where there isn't one?

What's the problem? Is this girl a bad influence or something? Little kids often prefer to play with friends they "know" but once they start "real school" all bets are off. He won't even LOOK at girls two years from now so don't worry about it.
It's PRE-school not college, RELAX!!! Stop over thinking it.

Hi there,

I want to speak to your question both as a mom of a five year old and as a preschool teacher.

If I were in your current situation, I would stay where you are for now. Consider this; your son has entered what was just months ago a completely new environment. His old friend from daycare is a known entity, someone beloved and familiar to him. From my perspective, this is good for both the children. Certainly, the teachers will have the kids doing activities as a larger group, however, it is naturally very common for children to bond to just one or two other children at this age. I have seen this and it is very sweet. Children often naturally find other kids with a similar temperament and style of playing, and then they tend to gravitate toward each other. These bonds can be girl/girl boy/boy or boy/girl; I have seen all of these as happy, healthy pairings.

My approach is to nurture those relationships just by supporting the children in their self-expression and when conflicts arise during play, so they can stay connected. I also encourage the children to play in different groups by occasionally breaking them up for a certain activity in a small group. However, I think there's something very disruptive to a child's sense of safety when their natural attachments are thwarted. So, it is wise for teachers not to interfere in their sense of comfort and safety with each other.

Friendships at this age, and even with my son in kindergarten, seem to be more centered around the topics and styles of play than anything else I have seen. My son has one best buddy at kindergarten, and when that child is gone, he's challenged to be flexible in playing what his other friends are playing, but he still considers them as friends. He went from not playing with other children at 3 to having strong bonds with other kids he enjoys playing with. This is really, really common for kids.

He will get the best socialization by being allowed to socialize with who he wants to. I don't want to diminish your concerns, however, kids often usually start hitting their stride in a new school situation in January or February. These are new teachers who are still learning who this group of kids is and they are still observing how your little guy ticks. If you move him, both the teachers and he will have to start anew with each other. If he has a hard time warming up to other kids, this will be a big step backward, because even if he isn't playing directly with some of the other kids, he is still getting used to them.

As for confidence, the best thing you can do for him is to be relaxed about his friendship with this little girl. Let him know that you are NOT worried about him at school. He literally cannot begin to cognitively understand your concerns, nor can he likely see the very real value in having a larger group to play with-- but he will grow into it. Kids do learn this. A couple of very seasoned moms have suggested to me that it isn't really until third grade when having a specific group of friends becomes more intrinsic to their identity. I still remember that age eight was about the time I became aware of who was friends with who, and belonging to a group of girls mattered. I would encourage you to let him enjoy where he is for now. He's got a lot of time ahead.:) Best wishes.

Hazel W.'s response seems full of wisdom. He's already gone through one transition, and has found a wonderful friend to help him with it. He's going to have to go through another transition during kindergarten. As long as you are happy with the school itself and his teachers, then I wouldn't move him.

Is it a bad thing for him to have a little "best friend"?

Maybe I'm missing something. Is there any reason to switch schools other than your son prefers to play with the child he know rather than with other kids? You said yourself that he was shy, did you expect him to turn into a social butterfly once he started preschool? What will you do if you move him and he makes one good friend at the new school, one child he plays with instead of interacting with all the kids? Is there some reason to be concerned about his socialization, or is he simply not behaving as you expected or as you would prefer?

It sounds like he is getting plenty of exposure to other kids, this may just be his personality. You aren't going to traumatize him if you move him, but I wouldn't switch schools because of this.

you are waaaaaaay over-thinking this.

first off you had him in an in-home daycare, which obviously from what you said, had other children in it. there was no reason to throw a ton MORE kids at him just for socialization, he was learning that already.

S., he is who he is. i don't know what kind of a popular, confidant, social butterfly you are trying to create, but imo, that's not your kid. either that's not your kid right NOW, or, you may have to accept that that's not your kids personality, period. if he is getting along with other kids (even if it's just "mostly" this other girl), he's doing fine. he doesn't need to "learn" to be mr. popular.

i say this as a mom and also as an introverted personality. he's fine. let him be, quit running him from school to school trying to "create" this little popular kid. it really just sounds like you're more concerned with turning into who you think he should be, than what is best for HIM. if he's happy, leave him alone.

sorry, i don't mean to sound harsh, i know it comes off that way. i am a very private, "shy", introverted person. this kind of attitude, if my mom had it? would have tortured me. please just think about one thing and one thing only - is your CHILD happy. that's it. good luck.

wow! please let him figure out 'socialization' at his own pace. socialization does not mean 'interacts the same with all kids.' it simply means developing the ability to get along most of the time with most people without violating his own personality.
my older son was never a crowd-follower. he was and is amiable and easy-going, but he didn't have a 'best friend' until junior high (they're best friends today at 26) and is always most comfortable in small groups. my younger is the polar opposite. he is a pleaser and class clown, and is never happier than when all eyes are on him laughing and applauding. he figured out early how to get along with all the different cliques and make them like him. being alone doesn't recharge his batteries the way it does with my older son and me, he thrives on company.
your little guy has a wonderful friend. please don't tear 'em apart. having one friend doesn't mean he CAN'T get along with others, in fact it probably means just the opposite. the whole time they are absorbed in play with each other, they are by osmosis learning how the other kids get along too.
he's fine. he's only 4. he doesn't have to bring the israelis and palestinians together yet!
:) khairete
S.

My daughter is a "best friends" type of girl. She loves having a BFF and tends to hang out with whomever is her BFF at the time. She had BFF #1 throughout her two years in a parent's day out program. She had BFF #2 during her two years in preschool. She had BFF #3 during kindergarten. Each of her BFFs ended up moving or going to a different school.

My daughter is in first grade now. She is still BEST FRIENDS with BFF #3 although they no longer attend the same school. She has lots of friends in her class now and doesn't seem to have any issues with being able to make new friends.

I see nothing wrong with your son wanting to exclusively play with that girl. This is just another part of the socialization skills he is learning. When he goes to kindergarten, I'm sure he will find other children to play with. But I wouldn't be too worried about it at this point. It sounds pretty normal and healthy to me. You should be glad that he has a friend who likes him back.

I think that having a special friend is a blessing. Unless you think that they are acting inappropriate or something else. I think that you should be vey proud of your son for being a happy small friend group kind of kid. Not all kids are going to be the popular kid. The thing I think is important is that kids don't feel lonley or left out. Everyone needs a nitch. :) If he is happy with his one friend I would leave it alone. It's a good safe relationship for him... And I think eventually they'll incorporate other kids into their little group. Maybe if you're that worried about it you can sign him up for a soccer league or someother organized group activity that would be more 'boys only.'

I don't see the issue. He is shy. He has a friend. Or he may simply be an introvert and prefer the company of one or two good friends vs a posse of acquaintances. I would see it as a good thing that he has a familiar face. Even my extroverted SD would be a little blue every year if nobody she knew was in her class. So I say leave him. Don't make him start over mid-year just because he has a friend he prefers. My sister had a handful of good friends from middle school on and three or four of them are still very close, even long past HS graduation. She didn't need a posse. That's not her personality. She just needed one good friend. I'd be more concerned if he didn't have any friends at all. Don't take him from his friend.

Keep him where he is. He's only 4. Don't worry so much. He obviously has a friend, and if he's "thick as thieves" with her, I don't know why you want to disrupt that. It's healthy for him to have a good friend.

Your son will be the person he's meant to be. If he's generally a little shy, you won't ever turn him into a social butterfly. Don't overthink things. He will be fine.

Sounds like he has a BFF and you're not happy about that. One friend isn't good enough? I don't get it.

I see the problem and you are NOT crazy.

you sent your shy gentle child to preschool to expose him to new friends and new opportunities, Had this other friend NOT been there he would have been forced into forming new friend ships and would probably be very happy and have 2 friends one at preschool and one at daycare.

but at this point, My opinion both as a mom and former perschool teacher ( though not as elequent or as good a speller and typer as hazel) is to keep him where he is,

ask the teacher for the name of a few friends SHe thinks he might enjoy playing with (if daycare friend were out of the way) and invite them to the park or play area and give your son the chance to establish some experiences with a different friend.

keeping him with a consistent teacher and class will go along way towards helpign him feel secure next year.

I really don't see the problem. He IS socializing. He's just socializing with a child that you would not have chosen.

I don't see a problem here. So he's made a good friend that he enjoys spending time with, why take that from him? Growing up I was that kid that had a few friends and that was it. I was military and moved all the time. It always hurt having to leave and make new friends. It was hard for me. Thank God I was one of 5 kids, so I always had playmates, but still.

I don't see a problem here. He will be put in a new school next year and he will socialize more then. Tons of kids don't get socialization at all until they get to school...so I'd let it be,

Let him be. He has a good friend. How great is that. Sounds like he is doing great.

Here is what I would do: ask the teachers what other kids in his class play with similar toys or seem to have capable personalities. Then, get the parents' contact and invite the other kid over for a short play date (maybe 1 or 2 hour?). Aim for 2 or 3 of these over the next few weeks, and see if it makes a difference. And don't give up.

He is clearly not going to reach out on his own to social with new people, at this stage. But you can set the stage for helping him, by creating an environment where he is not able to glom onto his one friend.

He doesn't have to become best pals with any of the kids he has playdates with, but it may help him feel more comfortable with them.

Also, keep in mind that kids this age are really just learning about friendship, and they often have trouble "being friends" with more than 1 kid at a time and/or doing activities with more than 1 other kid at a time.

Is she a bad child? Is she bossy or hurtful to him? If she then I suggest you move him completely to another care situation and pre-school. That should not be tolerated.

If she's a nice kid that he likes and they get along then I totally do not understand why you don't want him to have a friend....?

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