Pregnant Friend

Wow! To the people who answered this question with criticism toward J. what about the baby? Who cares about the moms and dads and their relationships. Is no one concerned about the statistics of smoking mothers. I can't believe that some of you people actually said that giving up smoking while pregnant can be worse than not giving it up. Maybe some people can go through life and pregnancy smoking and drinking and never have an unhealthy child or develop cancer of any kind but what if..... Science has already told us that smoking while pregnant can lead to low birth weight, life long health issues, and miscarriage. I know a thing or two about addiction and yes for some people it is a struggle to quit anything but she has a person growing inside her, depending on her for its life. Being a mother is the most selfless act there is I think we can all agree. That starts at the moment you find out you are pregnant. If it bothers J. to the point were she doesn't feel like she can be her friend then that is no reason to cut her down like you people have.

Be her friend and help her quit smoking. She needs help and a friend to support her. Look up several different "stop-smoking plans " that are available today. Help her choose one that will work for her. Ask her if she has talked this over with her doctor. He may have a good plan for her. AF

You are perhaps being too harsh on her. Being a friend is being able to show concern for the other person. Who knows, but by knowing you, and getting to know you better, you may be able to steer her towards a healthier pregnancy. We really can't always have made-to-order friends, you know.

well she was honest. i'd be more embarrassed at how i just ranted about smoking during pregnancy when it's something she's already struggling with. you probably already made her feel pretty low.

personally i feel the same as you do. when i found out i was pregnant i quit smoking that day. but you do speak as though you've never struggled with addiction. not only is it judgemental, but someone who has never been addicted to cigarettes or anything else, literally has NO idea what they're talking about when the subject of quitting comes up. so why would that person feel they have a right to an opinion?

have you never talked on the cell phone while driving? have you never rolled through a stop sign not paying as much attention as you should? have you never switched lanes without looking carefully and signalling properly? have you never exceeded the speed limit? and that's just in a car. how many ways to we ALL play chicken with our kids' lives each day. some risks are calculated. some are born of compromise. one thing for sure, i am sure she loves her baby just as much as you love yours. my suggestion would be to keep your judgements to yourself.

personally, i literally get tears in MY eyes when i think of that mom and her baby being so harshly judged. it's not an ideal situation. but it's her life. her child. not yours. she knows it's wrong. she sure doesn't need you pointing it out to her.

what she needs most is probably a friend who is accepting and willing to support her while she struggles. that's what we all need isn't it?

Ps, after reading the other responses, something that kept coming up that i thought i'd agree with - i have known women whose dr's told them that quitting smoking while they were pregnant would do them more harm than good. and i'm sorry, one beer occasionally can't have life threatening consequences. you said AN occasional beer. some pregnant women down diet caffeine free soda constantly. better or worse? that stuff is caustic. but it's "socially acceptable"? dang people- quit throwing stones.

I personally wouldn't want to be friends with someone who was as judgmental as you are being. Would you appreciate it if someone didn't want to be your friend b/c of your religion, the way you discipline your kids, they way that you handle your marriage? What she's doing is not healthy, but it's really none of your business.

Judgy Judgy!! I am a smoker. I have smoked since I was 18. (I am 33 now) I have two children. When I was pregnant, I stopped cold turkey...IT WAS SO HARD! After one son was born we were in a horrible car accident, so I started smoking again when we were in the hospital for 2 months. After the second it was very hard to continue to be a non smoker since my husband was smoking. I am now pregnant with my third. I quit as soon as I found out (that very day). It is hard. I am hoping that since both my husband and I have stopped smoking that we can continue to be non-smokers after the baby is born. not only is it bad for us, but it's bad for the baby and our other kids (although we always smoke outside, AFTER the kids are in bed...but still).
If I told someone that I was trying to quit to make my pregnancy healthier, and I got the response that you have I would feel better off without them as my friends. I don't like it when people drink, but I certainly have a LOT of friends that do. I don't like it when big people cram themselves into little clothes, but that doesn't mean I don't like them as people. Your "friend" needs a friend, not a judge.
L.

I don't think anyone 100% agrees with everything that our friends do. Because she is a new friend...you are less emotionally connected to her. Your reaction (probably) wouldn't be so strong if you had known her for 20 years.

My ex-SIL was a smoker when she got pregnant and her doctor actually told her not to quit cold-turkey. The shock to her system, and subsequently the baby's, could do more harm than the smoking itself. She went to "lights" and then cut those in half and then managed to quite within a couple of months.

I think she needs your support more than you might think. You can make your feelings clear and offer to give her all the support you can during her pregnancy.

Alcohol, as well, is certainly a danger to the unborn...but primarily when it is systematically consumed without regards to the baby. The first trimester is a critical time in development...but many women have unknowingly consumed alcohol throughout this time with no apparent effect on the baby. Not to mention that beer, in its many forms, has been consumed for hundreds of years as an everyday beverage...and, yet, we've somehow survived to this point. I'm not condoning it, just giving a different perspective.

When it comes to babies, we like to err on the side of caution. But it does, on occasion, seem as though we take it too far!

Smoking and drinking are choices we make in life. It is up to her and her husband if they are willing to live with the possible consequences.

Hi J.
I wouldn't be so quick to lose her as a friend, just because she's smoking and trying to quit. We all know pregnant women shouldn't smoke, she knows it too, thats why she's trying to quit. Its an addiction. Quitting isn't always easy. For some people it is easy and for others it takes several attempts to kick it completely.
What you could do is try to help her quit, encourage her, and just be a friend. But if you think that its too much and all you could do is judge her and look down on her for it.....maybe you should walk away; because no one needs that .
Sorry I'm just giving you my honest opinion.

it's hard to quit smoking. I had a friend who was told by her doctor that the stress of quitting cold turkey would be worse than still smoking a little while she was pregnant. I know it's bad, but you shouldnt be so quick to drop her as a friend.

As a smoker, I know how hard it is to quit. While I assure you I quit when I was pregnant and stopped for about 1.5 years after, then we started again. I know it is bad for the baby, but I know people who smoked while pregnant. My dr's wife smoked through all her pregnancy's. You not being her friend, is exactly not what she needs right now. I understand how it makes you feel, but like my SIL said to her mom when she complained about her husband smoking, it is an addiction. Just the same as an obese person has an addiction to food. Try some compassion for her instead of dropping her as a friend. Try to be respectful to her decision, and maybe try occupying her mind when she wants to have one. Postivie encouragement is better than giving her grief about it. That is going to make it worse.

The alcohol if it is an occasional beer, that is okay. The main reason why they say no drinking is because most people do not know what occasional beer is.. 1 a week, 1 a month?

Good luck.

First let me say that I think I HATE smoking more than the average person, because it killed both my parents way too young. But -- my mom smoked through her pregnancy with me and I turned out fine. It is a bad thing to do while you're pregnant, but it's a horrible addiction and I'm sure she is needing friends now more than ever. I would say you are being very judgmental and unkind if you sever a friendship over this. There will be LOTS of things your friends do over your lifetime that you disagree with but you can't go ditching them over their personal stuff. She isn't doing this to offend you, so I think you should stop being offended.

It sounds to me that you are the one that has the issue. I'm not trying to sound obnoxious or anything, but if your willing to give up a friendship because she smokes (no doubt occasionally) then you weren't meant to be her friend to begin with. If shes' not smoking around you then why make such a big scene. The Dr. has okayed her to have the occasional beer, why are you not against this? There are so many pregnant women in our world that smoke while pregnant. My own daughter had 3 children, she is maybe 120lbs. and delivered 9lb babies, they were very healthy and still are.
I myself truly think that you really are not or don't want to be friends with this person regardless. If you want to cut the ties, your husband can still be friends' with her husband, it doesn't mean that you have to be friends with her.
Given the fact that she told you in all honesty that she was trying to quit should give you some inclination as to how she feels as well. I'm sure her Dr. is aware of her smoking to, its' not something you can hide. With you saying that you don't feel that you can be her friend anymore, trying to quit or not, says alot about how you feel about this person. She obviously just isn't your type. Your condemming her already whether she is or not, so cut your ties, and just admit to yourself that shes' just not your type. Do you actually realize how hard it is to quit, not because you want to, but should because of the pregnancy. Therefore you are being forced and its harder than you think. Obviously your not a smoker and a person who doesn't like those who do smoke. This has nothing to do with friendship. Your words' have already said it all. I honestly feel sorry for her, she thinking that you were friends and now you want nothing to do with her whether she quits or doesn't. True friends don't speak to their friends this way or even think it. I'm sorry, but you are not being honest in this relationship and the only reason you have her as a friend is because your husband is chumming with her husband. You need not be friends with all of your husbands' buddies' who have wives'. Take care and be honest with yourself. Honesty is the best policy.

I also am very against smoking while pregnant. But, be a supportive friend to her and if she is trying to quit, try to help her. Remember that smoking is an addiction. She will need lots of support. It will do nobody any good, if you throw away your friendship. It won't help her unborn baby, it won't help her, it won't make you feel any better, and it won't make your husband happy.

it's interesting, I didn't think anyone was rude. sure, some people were less than... diplomatic... but the bottom line is, you were asking for opinions, and opinions are what you got.
you said "Today she confessed to me that she "was trying to quit smoking."" you admit this was a confession for her, a difficult admission. it sounds like she knew you wouldn't approve, and yet she felt compelled to let you in on her secret, her struggle. sounds to me like someone who could use a friend, and who was pretty clear on who it was she was choosing to be that friend. if you're up to the task (and you don't have to be, it's your choice, your life, and no one should judge you for making your own choices), it sounds like she needs someone like you to help give her strength and vision that she doesn't have for herself. go ahead, get those tears in your eyes. tell her how you struggle to understand how this can be a struggle for her. be her Jiminy Cricket, if you will.
and then ~listen~ to her, ask her what she wants and needs from you. and then decide if you can provide it. if you can't, then walk. if you can, then all the better for both of you. perhaps you'll give her strength. and perhaps she'll give you humility.
good luck,
K.

Hi - I think that if you are that quick to judge her and a flaw she has, there is something wrong. I have many, many flaws and I value my friends who don't judge me harshly but support me and help me. While smoking is certainly not a great thing to do anytime and especially when pregnant, there are many, many far worse things she could be doing. What are your flaws? How do you want your friends to react when you are struggling with something? I suspect you don't want them kicking you to the curb. That said, if you can't move beyond this, she is better off not to have you as a "friend". Harsh, but true! Good luck.

having struggled for YEARS to quit smoking and only succeeding after time and relapses and despair, my heart goes out to the woman who is trying and being judged so harshly. i'm sorry if some of the opinions here aren't what you wanted to hear, but it's not a forum for 'only those who support me.' if you cannot be supportive or abstain from harsh judgement of someone who is going through something so difficult, i suggest for her sake that you sever the friendship. hopefully the men can work out for themselves how to handle it.
smoking is MUCH more harmful than an occasional beer (which apparently the purists also cannot bear) but smoking less is better than smoking a lot.
texting while driving is the thing that makes me nut right the freak up. i have friends that do it and i lava up and melt all over 'em.
but i'm still their friend.
khairete
S.

I do agree with you that smoking while pregnant is so wrong and bad for a baby and I also agree that there is NO reason for anyone to drink alcohol while pregnant. But I did take a health class in college and we did a section on pregnancy and addictions and I did learn that the stress that a pregnant woman can go through trying to quit smoking cold turkey can be more harmful to the baby then just cutting back on smoking. So I don't really think you should not be her friend because of that and maybe you can help her to wean herself from smoking. But as for the beer.....yeah that's just wrong.

I think you need to decide if you are willing to be this person's friend or not. Being a friend means supporting them when they need you, not bailing out. If you have fundamental differences in your values (other than the smoking while pregnant thing), then maybe this isn't a friendship so much as an aquaintance. If you feel like your values are in line and you would like to keep her as a friend, then give her the support she needs to quit smoking. Offer to be an accountability partner for her. If she needs a cigarette, offer to have her call you to talk about it. Offer her some articles to read regarding smoking/drinking during pregnancy, but not ones that you find on the internet that are clearly biased. Find something scientific so that she will understand the damage it could do. But, once you do that, you need to back off. This is not your baby or your body. I understand your feelings on this (I happen to share them), but beating someone down when they have a problem like this isn't going to help them and abandoning a friend in need isn't being a great friend. As I said, you may want to reevaluate to be sure that you share the same values in general. If not, you might want to part ways and find friendships where you can feel more comfortable morally. I wish you luck and I hope that your friend is able to quit for the sake of her baby. That's very sad.

sometimes, especially with an expected pregnancy, a person must face many lifestyle changes at once. you don't know what other habits she was breaking and medications she was changing. perhaps smoking was the least of it. a friend would encourage her "trying to quit" and find out how to help.

Ok, first NO Dr. in their right mind would give a pregnant woman permission to drink a beer sometime. So if that is what she told you, i don't think it was true.
I agree with you about the smoking. YOU ARE RIGHT, IT IS WRONG.
I even think it is wrong for a parent to do it after the child is born and do it in the same house or car or anywhere near a child.

About not wanting to be her friend, and that both of your husbands are friends.

I think that you can be nice to her and respectful to her but you don't need to have her as a close friend. This is just out of respect for your husband.
Talk to your husband about how you feel and ask him to not TRY to set up get togethers with his friend and his wife, for example (BBQ's or going out together).
That way you can still be nice to her but not her buddy.

I feel so sad for the little one in her tummy.
God bless the baby.

I understand how you feel about smoking while pregnant. As a former NICU nurse, I can tell you that the effects on the baby can be great. That being said however, I think that your friend could use your support. She said she is trying to quit. Addiction is hard, and it is probably harder while pregnant. She should consult her doctor who can give her advise on how to quit. My sister in law had to quit while she was pregnant and it was hard on her. I found it was easier just to talk to her when she needed it. Try not to be judgmental. We all have things we probably shouldn't do but have a hard time stopping.

i haven't read the other responses because after reading that some people said rude things I didn't want to get my blood pressure up. let me tell you that you are not alone in your thinking. Smoking while being pregnant is the most selfish thing that a person can do. She is harming her unborn child, and if she is that selfish to purposely harm her child then I wouldn't want to be friends with her either! Also, I know some people think it's okay to drink while pregnant, but with BOTH my pregnancies my doctor's have always said it's better to withhold from alcohol for the 40 weeks than risk any danger to your child. I don't know if I would all together stop talking to her, but I sure as heck wouldn't sign up for best friend classes. Your friends should be people that hold your morals and values and obviously this woman is lacking in both.

I think people are different and you need to decide how much a friends life style and values differ from your can you accept. I have a number of friends that do things in their lives very different from mine. Whether their choices are bad or not it's really only my opinion, in the end it's their life. I have to decide if those choices pose enough of a moral dilema to me for us not to be friends. In most cases no they don't but in some cases they do. Thats all you really need to decide and it sounds like you already have. I don't think some people should have judged you so harshly cause their doing to you exactly what they are complaining you are doing to her. Ironic isn't it? I don't know what to tell you to do.....i quess all I could say is if this is something that is make or break for you then thats ok. you have to make the discissionsfor your life that are best for you and your family and if this is something that you don't want around you then thats what you need to do. It wouldn't benefit either of you to stay friends if this isn't something you could get past. Friends are people we choose to have in our lives because they mostly bring us joy...if this friendship isn't bringing you joy then do what you feel is best. I hope you found some help from some and didn't take the harshness of some to hard. I think this is just a real hot button issue for a lot of people because no matter what side your on the choices are HARD. Those with addictions or previous ones understand your friends struggle and those who feel as you have a morral struggle...it's just not easy on either side....so for everyone try to remember that! Someones addicitve struggle may just be as hard as someones morral struggle....you just never know. Good luck

Maybe instead of turning your back on her, you should support her and help her find ways to quit. If you feel so strongly about this cause, then you should be doing something, not just crying about it on the sidelines and feeling helpless.

Good luck.

If she is truly trying to quit smoking, then who better to have as a friend to encourage her than someone like you, who really cares about that? Keep reminding her of why it's important, and help her channel her cravings into something else. The beer thing would be hard as well.... is she European? They seem to have different ideas about what is acceptable to do while pregnant.

I know how you feel. I used to work with someone 20 yrs ago who smoked heavily, and she loved smoking while pregnant because it kept the baby 'nice and small'. She was always so proud when her children were barely 5 lbs at birth. She could have been a walking talking example for the March of Dimes of what not to do.

you cant save someone from themselves and getting upset with her isnt going yo do it.her doctor is dead wrong about the beer ! we discovered i was pregnant at 11-14 weeks, and my other half put me on a lean meat, steamed veggies and no fries diet. no junk food, and tons of dairy products the no smoking and no alcohol part was easy, because i dont do either way one anyway . i craved, bacon, sour cream, lemons,steak biscuits ,tangerines etc. and four months after discovering i was pregnant, we delivered our little healthy girl in our apartment bathroom,two months early
K. h.