Pre-teen Problems

Do you have a minister or pastor that you can talk to.? They no of people who can help. And these kiddo"s need help.

Actually my mom went through the same thing when one of my younger sisters was in 7th grade. Its a sad thing, but I guess this cutting is a trend these days. Some kids do it simply for attention while others do it because they're trying to release pain. In this situation, I think the best thing to do would be to call the school anonymously. My mom called the girl's parents who said they wouldn't mention who told them and then in the heat of the confrontation with their child, did mention who had told. If these girls were doing it for serious reasons, it won't help them in the least to feel that one of their friends betrayed them. If they have serious problems, they will need the support of friends to help them through it. Good luck!

You need to talk to the school. They will intervene and get the young girls the help they need. I work with teenagers in my job and it is appauling the number of kids who come into the youth shelter with problems that somebody knew about but didn't want to tell for various reasons. These girls need help. Please tell someone who will get them help.

You pretty much have to tip the school. But, unfortunatly as a teacher, the social worker and counselor have NEVER kept my name out of it when I have asked for info to be annonymous that I refer for them to ask about. They even tell the parents that I was the one that tiped them off!! (Like for self esteem, brusing, depression, etc.) It's so frustrating, b/c you are really just trying to help. In the end, I would do it over and over again b/c I couldn't live with the thought of something happening when I did nothing to help.

As for this weekend, you daughter seems very mature, so I would talk to her about maybe skipping it, in case they decide to have a 'cutting party'. Talk about why that may not be a great situation to get into. If she feels she can handle it and you agree, then practice role playing what she would say if it comes up--seriously act it out, you be the girls, do a few different senarios. Then she will be more likely to handle the situation calmly and in control. ;) Good luck.

Call the school couselor for help with this problem. They can best advise you.

You have no choice as a responsible parent but to tell. It is very possible that your daughter may suffer some backlash and even lose a friend but in the scheme of things, you are helping 2 troubled girls find and get the help they need. If your daughter was cutting wouldn't you want someone to tell you. If your daughter knows, how do thier parents not? Set an example for your daughter, encourage her to be the one that goes with you to tell the parents. Keep the school out of it. They spend too much time parenting our children as it is.

I would definitely make an anonymous call to the school! Tip them off and see if it can be handled that way!

Hi C.,
You do need to tell the school and they can tell the school counselor. The sad thing is those girls may still not get help.
We have worked with teens for many years and in our situation, we legally have to tell if we hear stuff like that.
There is obviously something seriously wrong going on in their lives and the one is making your daughter think that it is ok.
I am glad she at least felt like she could tell you. L.

I have never heard of them trying to get other to do it. It is usually either a reaction to severe depression, or simply a cry for attention. One is more serious than the other. I would go to the part with your little girl and maybe get to know something about the girl who is cutting's parents first. Then, if you feel they would handle it in a mature manner that will be helpful to the child, tell them. I would not call the school until I had met the parents. If the parents do not seem like they would be overly helpful to the child or perhaps even be part of the problem, then tell the school and give them your opinion. I Was cutting when I was a freshman and it is a very precarious situation. Councilors only made it worse for me and made me more depressed. That would be the one who is trying to stop, most likely. The one who thinks it is cool, she is likely doing it for attention. Maybe you could invite the one who is trying to stop over and show her a loving, caring environment? Give her time with your more well rounded daughter. She would probably benefit a lot from that. I would have. Still tell the councilor, but also take steps that could help them if you are interested in their well being.

Here is what I would do..one call the school about this making sure they keep you name and your daughters out of any report.Tell them straight up front you want to be anonomous.If you arent comfortable doing that..call child welfare and make a report anonomously and the police the same way.If you feel comfortably enough when you take your daughter to the party or pick her up talk with the parents.Dont say 'your child' is doing this but something like have you heard..maybe they will talk to their daughter and it will come out...good luck..
S. B

if your daughter thinks its stupid i wouldnt worry about her picking it up. and ive never heard of anyone getting peer pressured in to it. its normally their way of self medicating in a way. but i would call the principal and tell her/him about the 2 girls say you dont want them to know you reported it. chances are if they showed your daughter they have shown or told others too so it would be hard to narrow down who it was that told. plus does your daughter really want to be friends with someone like that?

Hi C..
May I suggest that you contact Mercy Ministries,
(www.mercyministries.org) Tel: 1-###-###-####, who deals with this stuff on a daily basis. Perhaps they can guide you or give you some suggestions on the proper way to handle this. This is a cry for help when they cut, my niece used to do it. I would not under any circumstances let my daughter go to their house. Let me tell you from experience that I was around some horrible things when my mom allowed me to go to some girls houses and things she will never ever know I was exposed to. I am very very cautious about where my girls go and never ever leaving them unless I have a peace about their families. Overy cautious, maybe so, but this is something very very serious.
I am praying for you and your family and the girls doing this to themselves.
W. Morris from Indiana

In January I found out my neice was cutting! She said she only did it once. The parents NEED TO KNOW! and the girls need to go to the dr to rule out infections and find out the reasons for cutting. Your daughter should feel like a hero and so should you because she is comfortable enough talking with you. Cutters do try to get their peers to do it, this is what happened to my neice. Have your daughter visit web sites that talk about cutting so she can get a better understanding of the mental disease. I think you should try a sleepover to get to know the girls better and go from there. But I still feel the parents need to know. Either anonymously or straight forward. You can always mail a letter to the school and noone will know where it came from. This would protect your daughter and she doesn't need to know now what you are doing.

I have a friend whose daughter use to do that also. It was supposedly something or a phase that these girls were going through. It was a revenge tactic upon the parents.
Pre teens and teens have so much to deal with and so much more peer pressure than we did when we were that age and I think that sometimes it gets to be more than their little heads can handle. I think some of it is that they try to copy what one does and thinks it is cute so they do it.
I don't think it is serious. It seems to be mostly a revenge tactic when they get a NO from their parents.
I have also heard of the girls doing it because some boy didn't like them.
My friend finally got her daughter away from that by moving her to a different school away from those kids. I don't know how the other girls turned out but nothing serious ever happened. It seemed like when they didn't get their way, they acted like they were cutting their wrists. Kids here about things these days where I never heard of cutting your wrist when I was little and never knew that it existed.
Just make sure that you talk to your kids and stay close to them and try to understand them and help them work out problems they have in their heads, no matter how insignificant it seems to you. Remember it is always a BIG deal to them. By doing this, I think that you will keep your daughter healthy and 'right'.

Plan to do something important today. do not let her spend the night! These girls hate themselves. They may have been molested at some time. They are very troubled, and that is why they are cutting. Try to plan to have them at your house for an afternoon if she is hell bent on being friends with them.
She needs after school curricula. I would call the school anonomously and report it. Kids can talk each other into a lot of things. That would not be a choice for a friend, but they do need help. Good luck.

People who cut do so because they are living in an environment that is very troublesome. It is a way of dealing with the pain. The pain they feel by cutting actually gives them a "high" or feeling of "relief" if you will. They are concentrating on the feel of the cut rather than what is really going on in their life. It is known as a baby step toward suicide. People who do this don't always realize they are moving in that direction. These girls don't always encourage other girls to cut, but it can open the door to thinking that if life gets too tough, maybe that can help. I would have a talk with the counselor at school. These girls do need counseling. They also need good friends and people around them who care. This sort of thing is not contagious. I think if you talk with your daughter and explain that cutting is not something that safe, she will understand. I have two adult friends who used to cut. They were both abused as children. They were diagnosed as having a personality disorder, as well as Post Traumatic Disorder. Neither one had counseling as a youth. I hope this helps.

I've worked with teens and some that cut, too. If these kids don't get help now, it just gets worse like any problem, habit or addiction. I'm not sure what you can do about kids that are not yours, but please make sure your daughter is informed and doesn't start.

C.,
For me "cutting" was a way to let out anger or high negative emotion. As a kid I guess it was put in my head "stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about". Parents don't realize how words can affect their children. But I never felt like I could let out negative emotions. Still don't a lot of times, but I’m working on that.

So the cutting, scratching, whatever it may be is an outlet. It sounds strange but that’s the only way some know to net out the pain and it doesn't really hurt but a relief. If that makes any sense. But for me it comes from childhood (my doctor told me).

But some how the child’s parents do need to know without making her feel her trust has been broken. For her to reach out to your daughter was a HUGE step for her. It took me 15 years and only then did I tell me doctor because I had kids and I was going further into depression. And now I’m talking about it with you. You’re the third person. That's another point, she could have depression also. But if she feels she's being ganged up on she'll just hide it and pretend to she's better. I would.

It's a hard thing to deal with and as an adult would be easy to give in to. But as an adult you can use the old mind over matter to deal with it. It's not an easy thing. But I know it sounds disturbing.

Like if someone smokes I always thought a person could just stop. But I’ve learned from my dad it's not that easy to stop. There are books on it. Good Luck. I hope I helped you understand it a little better. But some how her parents need to know so she can get help. Touchy situation.

Hi C.. In my opinion, I think you should tell. I am a high school teacher and it's amazing how many kids know things and either don't tell, or do tell their parents but they don't tell anyone else until it's too late. Nothing major (like death) has happened at my school, but there have been several arrests and things. It is then that we hear "Well, I knew they were doing it...."

At my school, you can call annonymously. You will of course have to give the kids names. But if they told your daughter, then they probably told others as well. 12 year olds can't keep secrets!

On a personal note, my 18 year old stepson moved out on his 18th birthday. After the fact, at least 10 people told us "Yeah, he told me he was moving out." Well, needless to say, my hubby and I were oblivious and I always look at the oblivious parents at my school that have no clue, and now I am one of them. Of course him moving out had a LOT to do with his real mother who is a piece of work. But I would definitely call the school and speak with either the principal or one of the guidance counselors.

Hope this helps.

We also have a granddaughter that is 17 and she has been cutting herself, then quit and has now started doing it again. She has been to counseling and just saw another one the other day. I think it's for attention or for what she is NOT getting at home. Her parents have divorced a few years back when she was younger. I don't know if the counselor has got the truth out of her yet, and they won't tell you anything anyway. I would tell these little girls' parents because they may not be aware of it..you could save one of these little girl's lifes. Some parents aren't aware because they cut where you can't see it, or they wear clothing to hide it. It's a complete shock to some parents. I would sometime at the party pull one of the parents aside and go where no one else hears. I would also make them promise that your little girl's name is not brought up at all...these little girls might make it hard on yours for telling on them. I have heard of like a girl's club thingy where they do this also. But, I would tell...L.

Hi C.,
This is a tricky one.As a responsible parent you want to do whats right but the problem here is that you do not really know these girls or their parents.So you can not be aware of their personal situation.Maybe the parents of these girls already know whats happening and are dealing with it themselves.
My point is,if I were in your position I would definately not get involved via the school system.If it becomes known that you have involved yourself it will backfire and your daughter will be in the firing line.Despite the fact that these girls have a serious problem your daughter will become the outcast and thats not fair on her.
She seems to be very level headed young lady and was able to confide her worries with you,hence she knows what they are doing is very wrong.
If you are concerned about the party then do not let your daughter go,but how about you organize a sleepover at your house .It will give you an oppiturnity to get to know the girls and then make a decision?
Best of luck to you

Call the school anonymously. Even if you call and tell them who you are it will be kept confidential for your daughter's sake but I would probably do anonymous but definitely call. This is a very dangerous practice.

All of the cutters that I have known do it alone. I have never known it to be a group activity, but the ones I have known were adults that did it for the attention from a significant other. I would say that you should call the school and report it, whether anonymously or not, these children obviously need help if they are that desperate at that young an age. And major cudos to your little girl for thinking they are stupid and for coming to you with this, sounds like you have a great kid!!!!

Dear C.,

I would definitely tell the school but before you talk to the school the most important thing you need to do is talk to your 12 year old daughter. You need to praise her for being so responsible and telling you. Tell her that you always want her to be able to talk to you about anything and that she was right to be concerned about the girls. Explain that you are going to call the counsellor at school and ride out her reaction. Explain your reasons and reassure her that the counsellor won't diviluge who told. You could ask her if she preferred that you do tell the counsellor anonomously.

You have to give your daughter a lot of credit for telling you and make sure that she doesn't feel betrayed. She will most likely be relieved that you have taken it out of her hands. My suggestion would be to continually praise her even if she gets mad at you, eventually moody emotional teens and pre-teens calm down and realize that you trying to help.
:) A.

C.....I think you have every right to be concerned about the young girls "cutting" problem. Your daughter seems to be on the right track and I would encourage her to give her own opinions to the friends. Not that they will heed her suggestions, but atleast the girls will know someone out here cares. As for how to deal with it...I totally agree with you that you should call the school anonymously. I would ask to speak to the principal or to a counselor. They will understand that you don't want to give your name and that you are calling because of your true concern for the young girls.

I hope they get the help that they sooo need.

J.

WOW. I would say YES! call the school and voice your concerns and follow up on it to make sure that the issue has been delt with! This is a very serious sickness that needs to be brought to their parents attention! ands as far as the peer pressure of doing it, Ive never heard of anyone trying to pressure someone else into doing it as well. I will say though that I dont think that you should worry about your daughter doing it. It seems like the communication line is plenty opened between the 2 of you. Although you should periodically ask her questions about her friends. Basically checking up and seeing what she has to say about it. I think from her answers you will be able to know whether your daughter is being influenced or not. You know her best!

C.,

I know a few people who do this. It is indeed a cry for help. But it is also (at least for the one's I know) a control issue. They have no control over the things in their lives, this is the one thing they have that they can control. And sometimes counselors don't always help, it just helps the kids learn how to cover it up better. They learn what they need to say to keep people out of "their business". I do not know any kids that cut that encourage others to do it, they are comfortable with the fact that they do it, but they don't want any of their friends to do it because they know how much it hurts inside, and they don't want their friends to feel like that. The girls need some positive attention, and encouragement that things will get better, and that eventually they will be able to get past this. If you make a big deal out of it the one that seems to be looking for attention may get what she is looking for, and it will only get worse. It has to be something that is going on in these girls lives that is causing this, it could be from home, school, church, anywhere. And it's the little things that they need control over sometimes that causes this. I mean as simple as going to bed a 1/2 hour later because you truly aren't tired yet, but your parents make you go anyway.
My heart goes out to you. Be there for your daughter, it is very hard to have friends that hurt themselves, because you can't possibly understand why they are doing it.

I realize you've already decided what to do, but I just wanted to reinforce your decision. I was a 6th grade teacher, and this cutting thing is just insane. I wouldn't say that there are a lot of kids doing it, but it happens, and it's terrible. I actually don't think it's new; it's just becoming more acceptable to talk about it...people used to hide it really well. You are right, you have to tell the school. If they're doing this now, what will they do next week? It could be nothing...it could be serious.

As for the question about whether they try to get their peers to do it. I wouldn't be surprised if they do. If they're telling their friends about it, telling them it makes them feel better, etc...that would be enough for me not to let my child mingle with that kid outside of school. It sounds cruel to the cutter, to take away their friends, but you have to think about the wellbeing of your child first.

What a tough situation. God bless!!

Hi, my neice who just turned 13 was doing this a little while ago. 'It relieved stress', she said. She was doing it in private, my sister only found out because a friend's mom told her about after being informed by her daughter. My neice went through some counseling and is doing very well now. My advice to you is, would you want someone to tell you if it were your daughter doing the cutting?

C.,

I would definitely suggest taking some sort of action on this, even if it's anonymous. Not trying to scare you or anything, but I know a pre-teen girl that felt pressure from her friends in this area. Before long she started cutting herself and then tried to commit suicide. So I would highly suggest you letting someone know, since their parents are probably clueless that it is going on.

OMG...Yes you need to let the school know and the girls family needs to know that way they can get help. There must be something going on in this girls life. Her parents probable don't see or realize whats going on b/c she can hide it. Usually when people cut themselves they cut on there thighs or inner thighs that way when they wear pants no one can see. Cutting is there way w/ coping w/ hurt or pain. Just like when someone is depressed they drink or do drugs. This is her way of coping w/ things. Its wrong of her to do this thats why you need to let someone know before it gets to late. This is her way of crying out for help. You would want someone to let you know if this situation was happening to your child. I have depression and when I was younger I had problems,I did things (not cutting) that I should of not done. I did it to ease the pain,anger and hurt. It was my way of making the pain go away, but the fact is the pain never goes away. I think someone needs to know.

Most middle schools and high schools have counselors. They are very sensitive to the privacy issue, so don't be concerned about repercussions for your child. If it is a smaller school, ask to speak to the principal instead. People working with this age group shoulde be familiar with the cutting problem. Just tell the school contact that your daughter told you about these girls, and you hope he/she can look into it further, so the girls can get proper help. You may add that your daughter does not want to be identified, and they will understand. They are obligated by law to keep these issues private (HIPA), though of course common sense would prevail for most anyway. It's very serious, and yes, kids do recruit their peers to copy them. Kids that cut are often crying out for help....some are actually addicted to the act. I am saying a prayer for you and the girls.

As mom that has a fourteen yr old girl that recently was cutting herself I would say let the school counselor know because it may be there is something going on at the girls home or with other peers that is hurting the girl and she does not or is afraid to ask for help. My Daughter was cutting herself because we hadd 3 deaths in the family and cutting herself relieved the pain of the losses she hadd sufferedd of her uncle ,cousin and her dog and Great Aunt .She went to 4 counseling sessions andfound out that it was okay if she dealt with her grief diferent than other people and that the cutting only suppressed her feelings of grief and really did not fix anything all it does is cause a scar and a reminder