Young Girl Cutting Herself

I think the other mom's have great ideas, but I want to suggest another. What about one of her older sisters? Is she close with either or are they crazy like the mom?

It's great that she trusts you enough to tell you. She is reaching out to you and is, in her own way, asking for help. Cutting is a sign of great pain, a way to transfer the psychological pain to physical pain. Call her school nurse or counselor right away and explain that you have been told this in confidence but you live far away and cannot, in good conscience, let this go. Tell them there is teasing involved - most schools have anti-bullying programs or are in the process of developing them in response to so many suicides. The counselor can call the girl in with regard to her grades, and the nurse can call her in with regard to a physical or other exam. Let them find any evidence of cutting and make the appropriate referrals. They can leave you out of it. Tell them your concerns about the girl's mother. They will have to inform her mother but at least they can help put some services in place. I doubt the girl will seek out therapy on her own, because of cost, lack of knowledge about how to obtain it, and parental involvement. If the girl contacts you afterwards, tell her you are glad that someone is involved and that they are there to help her. I understand that you don't want to violate her trust, but on some level she is trusting you to help her. The school can keep this confidential and you can still be a source of support to her. Don't wait - there is a time to not keep things confidential, and this is it.

I agree with Dianne. I would not speak with her mom I would call and talk to the school counselor.

I understand your need for not breaking her trust, and I also understand your wanting to not talk to her mother (from what you said, I am assuming you don't think she would handle the situation properly) I think first you should talk to your husband since it involves his family, you don't want to be causing issues in your home trying to help someone in his family, these types of things can be very sensitive subjects to families. You DO need to talk to someone who can get her help though, and soon. Being a nurse - do you have an resources available to you to get advice or help for her?
I was a cutter, and generally it does not just go away - you don't just grow out of it. I cut when I was younger alot. The last time I cut was probably 8 months ago. It was the first time in a long time, and I was very ashamed after. There are so many different emotions that she needs help with. Cutting relieves emotional pain, stress and anger (I am not condoning though - when i say "relieves" I am just saying what it is for me) When I hurt it feels good to turn it into physical pain, it also gives me a sense of power if I am feeling powerless, there is a perverse sense of joy to see blood run. I am sorry this is graphic - I am just trying to explain how very complex cutting is, it is not just a simple I am mad so let me cut myself thing. I struggle with the urge to cut - let me say real quick also, cutting does not make your violent or a danger to others, only to yourself. Cutting is very dangerous though - not just for the obvious reasons, but she could very well cut to deep or in the wrong place one day and not be able to controll the bleeding. Telling you about this is a way of reaching out for help, and you must help her in any way you can. It is very hard to admit something like this to others, so she has opened a huge doorway for you. Take the step in that you need to. For her and also for you, carrying something like this is not good for you either, and I can't imagine the guilt you would carry later if (God forbid) anything further happened in the future.
Best of Luck!

R.,
First off I would have to say no, do not tell her mom at this point. She has entrusted you with information and if you share that information you may lose her trust and she may never be open with you again. Another thing to consider is what the mom would do with the info if you told her. If you're not 100% certain that she would handle it correctly and get the daughter the help she needs then it's not worth it. I would keep talking with the girl and explain to her that what she is going through is not typical and that you would like to help her achieve a more normal, happy life. She most definitely needs counseling. Hopefully you can somehow assist getting her some. If you can't get her traditional counseling then I would reccommend calling her school and talking to the counselor. Some schools have excellent protocal in these situations and others have no programs in place to deal with anything like this so you'll just have to gage it. Explain that you DO NOT want the girl told of the phone call, but you do want the school to intervene and help her with the issues she is having. I would not tell them about the cutting necessarily. I would just give some background and general info about your concerns for her. Then call back ocassionally to make sure they are following up and see what they are doing to help her. Hopefully the school district has a psychologist on staff that can see her and if so encourage that. Regardless, do not stop talking and reaching out to this girl. She needs YOU and all the intervention you can provide. And by all means keep encouraging her to seek help and talk to her mom, but also keep in mind that at 12 years old she does not have access to many resources. You are going to have to really lead her to the help she needs.

My daughter is a cutter and we have been in the emergency room 3 times this year. Twice because she cut to deep. She has had over 100 stitches! We were fortunate enough that when she did cut to deep she was comfortable enough to come tell us. Cutting for her takes away her emotional pain. She has Social Anxitey Disorder and has a very hard time making friends or being in a public place. It is very dangerous and the scars are something that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. My daughter legs are so scarred she will never be able to wear a skirt, shorts, or a swimming suit ever again. For girls who truly "cut" it is not a fad, it is a way for them to deal with the great pain they are feeling. This young girl has confided in you and needs your help. She will need help finding a thearpist who has experience with cutters and your support through her recovery. Talk to her about going to the school social worker. If possible ask her if she would like you to go with her. Talk to her about sitting down and talking to her mother. It might help if you can have the school social worker talk to her mother or someone her mother feels comfortable with. See if she will can talk to her sisters or if she would let you. She needs to learn other ways to cope with her pain and if you cannot get her to go to a thearpist then maybe you can email her different coping methods. The book my daughter is using is The Dialectial Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by Matthew McKay, Jeffery Wood and Jeffery Brantley. She may be a little young to work through the book on her own but it gives you ideas of ways to help her. Also, email her encouraging words each day, quotes, songs, anything that will help her see that she is loved and there is happiness around her and that all that she is going through will get better. You are in a very diffcult spot but I believe children should always be put first. We have been told my daughter has a long road ahead of her but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck.

Talk to the school counselor. At this age it's very hard for some girls to talk about their feelings (good or bad) so they cut to focus on 'that' pain. This said, we don't know whether she's cutting for real, telling you a story, or what. We also don't know if she's doing it because she saw it on TV, or, if she has any 'friends' at school who do it.

Obviously she is crying out for help no matter what, when or why she's cutting. My daughter went through this. Once they hit puberty think of all the hormones, emotions, etc they are going through. She may think this is the only way to deal with it all since her home life is not the best.

My daughter missed 80 days of school last year due to health problems so as a family we had a lot going on. The doctor's and school counselor were wonderful about it (helping us with the cutting issue) which seems to only have been a one time thing.

I know she told you in 'confidence' but she needs help. Talk to her school counselor.

It is now your responsibility as an adult to contact child social services and get immediate help for this child. Sure she told you in confidence, but when her welfare is at stake, there is no secret keeping. She actually wants you to tell someone and help her, otherwise she wouldn't have told you. You love her. Help her.

Can she visit with you? It seems she needs to get out of her situation. Her mom may not be helpful (especially if your husband agrees). I would not violate her trust. It seems all she has. Is there anyone else (Hotline, teacher, school nurse), someone local to her that she would trust? The whole situation sounds awful and dangerous. I would want her out of there too. Good luck.

I think you've gotten lot of great advice. I would not tell the Mom if she is crazy, she will almost certainly make it worse. I would try to go through the school, or the older siblings if non-crazy and mature enough to help. GOod luck to you and her.

R.,
Self cutting is an unfortunate fad that has spread like wildfire throughout (mostly) girls of a certain age - mostly Middle School aged girls, like your cousin's daughter. However in this instance, it sounds more serious. This girls DEFINITELY should get some professional help and the suggestion of going to a school counselor is the best place to start, I agree. Some people cut to feel "real pain" which is preferable to their emotional pain, it's an ironic way of 'numbing out'.
This girl is lucky to have you but just being able to confide in you once in awhile won't be enough for her. Do whatever you can to help her get outside help.
Good luck!
S. N. MA

I don't know that a school counselor would speak to you about this issue, being it is not your daughter. You can try, but they probably are not allowed to. After a surgery one time, my husband was having a strange reaction to his meds, so I called the doctor and explained this to him and although he listened he did nothing. Due to the privacy act, he would not speak to me. I would give it a try and if they don't respond, I would send an anonymous letter. If you find that she has just cut herself, call 911.

I am quite sure she is reaching out for help. You and hubs may rethink no discussing this with the mother. You don't want the responsibility on you if something happened to her. Together, I would go over there and talk to her on the side and tell her you guys have to talk to her mother. Let her know you are there and will help tell her.

Tell her school counselor, tell her neighbors, tell her mom and yes as a nurse you are very qualified to do something about it as you took an oath and I believe that is to help people, and particularly needy ones like this might fall under this category. If you wish to remain anonymous, then find her school counselor somehow. And her mother might be a flake but what parent wouldn't want to save their child from possibly dying? You aren't dealing with a kid who is hiding too many chocolate bars and twinkies. My son had a girlfriend who was doing this and was ovewhelmed with the responsibility of having this knowledge. He urged her to tell her parents and with it it was a great relief. He no longer sees her, but we are in touch with the family and they are forever grateful. You will be relieved once you know she is getting help. I am sorry I do not agree with your husband, this is not a let's look the other way situation. You can help her and I give you permission to violate her confidence. Cross your fingers behind your back.

Just fyi, there's been many similar situations like this in the media recently of children and teens who've been victims of bullying, and leading them to hurt themselves and then eventually committing suicide. I hope you can figure out a way to help her before she does anything drastic. Good luck to the both of you.

This is progressive. She needs to talk to you right away. Take her under you wing. Kids do this when they are hurting so bad that they don’t even know why and they can’t find the words to it . It goes really deep. I know someone that did this and she told me what it was like inside when she became an adult. If you reach out hard now she can turn it around. I have read some literature on it because I have raised three teen girls so far. The progression leads to suicidal ideation. If it were me I would take her to lunch every day or the mall. I would probably take her into my home, but I have done that to a fault. That is not what I am saying to do. However, you can’t break her trust. This hurt goes so deep that your trust might be her only rope to hang on to. I would read up on it and stay close to her. She will inform you if it progressing as long as you are trust worthy. She told you about this because she knows she needs to. She will continue this too. About the mom, some are not that great. I would not trust her just because she is mom. If she unreasonable she could be the one to push her overboard. You can become what she needs if you research it. In a hurry and I have a lot to say. I will check in later. Trust me on this “educate yourself to help idea” it really works. This way she gets her friend and her counselor without you breaking any rules.

There are many good suggestions here; I would add to them: speak with this girl; tell her you are so glad she was able to confide in you and trust you, and you value and honor her trust. Also share with her that you are deeply concerned about her, scpecially since you live so far away from her. Problem solver WITH HER about who you can share this with to get her the help she needs. If you are bound by confidentiality laws as a nurse, tell her that. Is there someone you can help her to feel safe with? I agree with you, this is a precarious situation you are in. You want and need to honor her trust in you, and yet, as a responsible adult, you need to help keep her safe. You can offer suggestions to her, such as her school counselor, or local clergyperson, or her older sisters. You can offer to make the phone call with her (or for her). I don't think you should go behind her back, but I do think you should help HER decide who you both can tell together.

good luck to you - it's a difficult situation. This young lady is lucky she has a relationship with you and trust in you - her situation sounds difficult and overwhelming. HOpefully you can help her get the help she needs.