Hello wise mama's out there... I am at my wits end with my nearly 4 year old son. He has been potty trained for a full year, and rarely ever has accidents. We have a pretty normal daily schedule and I try to have him go potty at the same times most days... they are pretty basic, I think. When we get up, before we leave the house, when his brother starts nap time (right after lunch - so we don't have to go back up during naptime), before bed. Of course if he has to go at other times, that's totally fine, and if he doesn't have to go that's fine too, I just ask that he try (and he nearly nearly always goes at those times so I think the schedule is working as far as that goes).
Ok, so here is the problem. For the last month or so, he's been fighting me on when to go potty. Sometimes he simply isn't listening ("what did you say Mom?") and sometimes he is too busy to get in there and go (even if he has to). I feel like I am constantly telling him at our potty times to get in their and go.. to the point of nagging at him about it. I really feel like since we've been on this schedule for a year, I shouldn't have to constantly tell him you have to go potty before we leave for preschool, before we go to the store, before Joey's nap, etc. Today I dealt with these two issues:
1. I asked him to go in and go potty after lunch so we could start books for with his brother. He didn't go (he and his brother were goofing around) SO, I HAD to go potty, so I went ahead and went in to go and he totally lost freaked out and got super upset (coming in the bathroom, telling me he wanted to go, trying to move me off the toilet). I was upset and ended up yelling at him to get out of the bathroom! As soon as we calmed down, he went right in and went like nothing happened (he DID have to go).
2. During nap-time I could tell that he needed to go again, but he refused to go up and do it. I asked him several times if he needed to go, and he kept saying no. Then he had an accident (which rarely happens). I was upset, and explained that I wasn't upset he had an accident, but was upset he didn't listen to me when I said it was time to go.
My question is, should I just let it go and stop asking/telling him to go at those "designated" times? I feel like a big part of our problem is I feel like I am nagging him, so I'm sure HE feels like I am nagging him. But, I do still want him to go at those times. I tried a sticker chart and that didn't really work for us, he didn't seem to get the concept of what earned him a sticker (I had to ask him several times, he finally went, then expected a sticker - the whole point was that I shouldn't have to ask/remind more than once).
One of my fellow Mom's at ECFE suggested just letting him go when he wants (not necessarily before we leave the house, etc.), but I really like him to go before we put on snowpants and go outside... it takes us 30 minutes to get all 3 kids bundled and I don't like to have to come back in due to an accident or need for the bathroom.
Anyway, I was hoping maybe one of you has dealt with this. I really feel like I am creating a big part of the problem, but don't really know how to solve it.
Thanks for your help.
Jessica
I would say this point you don't have to ask as often. I ask my 4 years old only before nap/bed time and before we leave the house for a while. Except for nap/bed time if he says that he doesn't have to go I take him at his word. But he has to at least try before he goes to sleep. I just remind him that he doesn't want to get his bed wet and he goes in and goes. If he has a few accidents think of it as a learning experence for him.
I think this is completely normal and while frustrating, I think you just need to continue on as you are doing. He seems to be asserting some independence, even if it's not successful(having an accident). That's what these early years are all about!
With that being said, be sure you find out if there is anything else going on, like pain with urination. If an infection is brewing, he may not want to go until he absolutely has too.
My son is 3 1/2 and between our playgroup of 2005 babies and preschool, the kids are all over the board with potty time. The majority of people I know with their 3 1/2 to 4+ year olds do still need to remind them when to go potty. Especially at the major times, leaving home, before nap, at bedtime. Then the rest of the day is up to them. I think 4 is pretty early to expect them to completely get the consequence of not going. What do they care if you have to unbundle him from his snowclothes to go? And who cares if you're driving somewhere, are late, and he needs to go to the bathroom where there is no easy place to go? Try thinking about it from his developmental stage, versus yours/ours. We have mastered this planning thing, they are still new to it.
You can always try leaving it up to him for a few days and see what happens. My guess is it will be extra work for you, but you never know.
By the way, the whole sticker chart thing does not work with my son either! Good luck...I hope this resolves itself soon.
Aside from before outside time/leaving the house for errands, I would say stop telling him when to go. Oh, the other one we insist on is if we are at a restaurant before we sit down (unless she went right before we left the house for the restaurant).
Jessica,
It seems to me that it may be time for you to hand this over to your son. He's 4, and most likely pretty smart. Talk to him about it (simply), and say that going to the bathroom is his job and you are not going to remind him anymore. If you see him "doing the potty dance", just remind him that his body needs to go pee, and you sure don't want to see him get his nice pants all wet.
I only suggest this because this is what I do with my almost 4 year old daughter. It seems to work!
Good Luck
I know where you are coming from with the power struggle issue. My advice is to let him go when he needs to and just remind him before you leave the house. My just turned three year old daughter will not go if we remind her, in fact I think she holds it if we arbitrarily set her on the potty when she doesn't want to go. She will only go when she says she needs to. I don't want this to lead to an infection from holding it, so I just go with the flow so to speak. The ultimate goal is to get them to recognize the signals their body is giving them so they can take care of these urges on their own. I think a schedule is great for early training and I used this as well, but as soon as she realized she could go on her own, that was all over.
J.-
I had a huge issue with my 4-yo son. He pottied fine. It was pooping he had the issue with. He would sit in it and play in it and not say he had to go or anything. Finally something just clicked. However, that something was instigated by a three-day visit with a friend of mine. See, I am a single mom and have no live-in male role models. I would remind him to potty but found it hard to get him to go poop. He went and stayed during the day with a male friend of mine who had him go to the bathroom all the time. Like every 30-60 minutes. And since it was not Mom my son did it. After three days he figured it out. He only had a couple of accidents after that. I had been trying to train him for a year and a half. Also, I make going potty a game if I know he has to go but doesn't want to. I say that I am going to beat him to the bathroom and go potty first and make it a race. Or, this might sound gross, but sometimes he wants to potty on my potty. So, ok. Also, if he makes a fuss and just won't go I tell him while picking him up that I need him to go for me and I carry him to the bathroom and pull his pants down and tell him to go. If he says he can't I ask him to try and just make a couple of drops. Sometimes I say do it special for me because it would make me so happy. Usually one of those works. Honestly, I don't think you can nag enough about this. If he doesn't do it after the first couple of times you ask then I would just carry him in there. Once he realizes you mean business and it is not negotiable he won't react so badly. I hope some of this works for you - Good luck and hang in there!
I agree with previous responders about reminding and then backing off. I would add that when an accident happens, he's old enough to take care of getting undressed, putting the soiled clothes in a bucket or the tub and getting himself redressed without any hoopla or help from mom. Have an extra set of clothes sitting in a special spot in his room/bathroom. It may take a few temper tantrums, but eventually he'll get as tired of chaning his clothes as you are.
Good luck
If he hardly ever has accidents then he is pretty much potty trained. He doesn't mind the accidents because he thinks they are beyond his control which isn't true. With my granddaughter she would wet her pants and say "it's ok, just an accident" and we knew she wasn't taking what she should have out of what accidents are. I finally started telling her "it isn't an accident if you know you need to go potty and you chose not to go" Once we quit calling those times accidents and telling her that she chose to wet her pants, she stopped wetting them. It still takes some bribing when she needs to go and doesn't want to stop playing. We just say "want some potty candy?" (or stickers)and she usually will go in to go. Your son may be doing this to stay up longer from naps.
Just let him go when he needs to.... Our daughter has been doing that since she decided to wear underwear (at slightly over 3 years old).
The ONLY time we tell her to go is when we are going to go outside to play.... And she will usually try. BUT if she says she doesn't have to, we let it go. If we have to come back in the house, then so be it. (In the summer we have let her pee outside.....)
This is something your son can control and that is why it is such a battle. If you just back off and only request when absolutely necessary that he should go, he'll probably start adhearing to your request.
I would say lead by example since it worked once. ask him if he has to go, if he says no, leave it but make a comment like, Good, that means that I get to go! or take turns "Ill try then you try" or do you want to go first
The only time I tell my kids to go bathroom is before going out/leaving the house, and before bed. Otherwise at 6 and 3, they go when they need to without any reminder from me.
I think he can have control over when he uses the bathroom.
