If this is the only power struggle you're having, be grateful. If she does keep her hair clean and basically brushed, that's enough, even if you would prefer she look tidier. If she is not wanting to wash it, letting it be greasy or even smelly, not wanting to wash her body, wearing dirty clothes etc. that would all be a potential sign of depression (lack of interest in basic care for one's body is one among many indicators), but this sounds from your description like it's just the one thing-- styling, with mom's hands in her hair every day-- that is the conflict. She DOES see your desire to style her hair as "a personal criticism of her" as you put it; imagine it from her perspective: You say "This will keep it nice all day, this will be easier to care for," and you know as an adult that that's all true, but she is probably hearing "You look bad." That's certainly not what you mean but it's what she believes you mean. She's at an age that's really sensitive about criticism and appearances, and an age that is trying to move away from parents more. I'd suggest dropping your role in the daily styling altogether; she doesn't even have to blow dry unless it's cold outside, really, does she? Tell her - calmly and not when you're trying to do her hair before school -- that you realize that she's more than old enough to do her own hair and you'll only check whether it's clean and neat enough for school (meaning, not all in her face if she has gym class that day, or shop class or something that would present a danger if long hair were straggling). Then drop the subject. You could provide her with the option, again calmly and with no comments about the power struggle or her appearance, of getting her hair cut any way SHE wants it, on your tab, at a place of her choice so she doesn't feel you're forcing your hairdresser on her. Tell her the offer stands and then drop the subject. She may surprise you in a few days or weeks or even months with a request to get a haircut. In fact, if you take a lot less interest in her hair, eventually she may take much more interest in it because it's her choice. One other thing -- if her hair is naturally curly or wavy or has cowlicks, etc., that may be something to consider when she chooses a stylist because many of them can't cope with anything but straight hair (I know from sad experience starting at just her age!). But if this your main power struggle with your tween, you're pretty well off compared to what it could be!