Potty Training Hell!

Once I knew that my son knew how to go poop on the potty but was choosing not to, I started giving him suckers for poop success and if he pooped in his pants I got the sucker for having to clean it up...I only got one sucker and he decided it was worth going on the potty.

Why don't you throw him back in diapers or pull ups and tell him underwear is for big boys. I'm no expert though. Just a thought.

I agree with the Moms who advise to step back. My oldest daughter absolutely refused to go poop on the potty no matter what I did, rewards, cleaning up her own mess, etc. I felt like pulling my hair out! Finally, I just let her be and had her in pull-ups (even though she's allergic to them). On her own, she did it after her 4th birthday. My youngest daughter potty-trained herself at 2 (just months after her big sister). Some kids are more independent and headstrong than others and want to call their own shots.
Take a deep breath and good luck!!

B. - I may get blasted for this...but I would put him back in a diaper...all the time. I would say, "Billy, I know that you have tried to use the potty, that's great. But right now it's not working. I am tired of cleaning your poop and pee messes. When you are ready to go poop and pee in the potty let me know, and then we can put you back in the underwear." Then do it.
Stop rewarding him. It is expected that he go to the bathroom in the bathroom. We don't reward our kids for holding our hand when we cross the street, do we!? Jump around, sing a song, be silly...no treats. No presents. Then, when you decide to stop giving those things he may decide to stop using the bathroom.
Good Luck, potty training is hard. But I have successfully done it for 3 kids (two boys at age 3, one girl at age 2)!
L.

I'm from the old school where I didn't try to bribe my child to do something that is a normal part of growing up. It becomes a bartering system to get them to do ANYTHING...and they take FULL advantage. He knows you want him to do it. Take the power away. When he has to rinse the pants in the toilet himself, wash his hands and clean up any mess, the story will change. Had 6 kids 28-12 years old currently and I can tell you that at 3, my child was capable of cleaning up his own potty/poo poo mess (with me there of course telling them how). I wasn't upset, I just told him he needed to clean it up and I'll show you how. It got old fast, and pretty soon they were trying to use the toilet. No hotwheels cars, not candy, just plain old growing up. That treat thing only works till they get what they want then they lose interest and on to a bigger and better reward. They know how to play us, and will unless we quit begging our children to do this and that. I'm the adult, you are the child...and it may seem harsh, but I can tell you my younger ones were much better after I learned on the older ones......what NOT to do. Been there done that. It seems that parents think the child cares what you want them to do. Ha...they want to do what they want to do and will play you like a fiddle. If your child poops, make it his problem. "Bummer, guess you'll need to clean out your underpants." make it his problem not yours. He will then see it affects him not you (we fake it anyway. Drives us crazy) and he'll stop manipulating the situation.
Good luck....teens are even worse! LOL

Wow, B.... it sounds like a very complicated situation for both yourself and your son. Please take a step back and reconsider.

It sounds like your son is not motivated to use the toilet for poop right now, and that you are sort of driving the train on this. Let me point out that he's not terrifically behind the rest of the group by any means--in fact, there are many children who struggle with using the toilet for poop at this age. Accidents are more than common.

That said, you should also know he could be experiencing some pretty frustrating and angry feelings about this, which will continue to develop into a larger power struggle. Children do not respond well to having others attempt to control their biology, and by choosing to reward him for "producing" in the right place while showing him something he can't have is sort of akin to being an older sibling and dangling a desired toy in front of him, then whisking him away. His sense of anger at this situation may be fueling this struggle. He may also have some other, unaddressed issues with using the toilet for poop and be frustrated that he 'can't' earn the toys.

If it were me, I'd take a huge step back. Give him the Hot Wheels because you want to (which is the only reason we should offer kids toys, not because they've earned them--way too much stress for kids!) and instead, tell him that he's going to be in charge of using the toilet. Don't remind him, don't engage in the back-and-forth of "you need to go"/"no I don't". Please believe me, I've seen this countless times: the more you can stay emotionally detatched from the pooping, so much the better. I'd even offer diapers or underwear each time, without a lot of fuss, and see what he chooses. When he has accidents, take him into the bathroom and help him clean up, but make sure he takes an active role in the cleanup. (Not touching the poop, of course, but holding open the plastic bag for dirty clothes to go down into the laundry, holding doors for you, coming down to the laundry room...whatever you do.)

Some parents buy cheap underwear and just trash them, others choose to allocate a certain number of underwear a day (say, three) and once they are used up, "Well, we have no more underwear today, so we'll need to use diapers." This isn't meant to be a shaming technique, but is more for the adult to keep their sanity, so set your limit for what you feel you want to do.

For what it's worth, I HATED changing poopy underpants, but noticed that the more I got upset and made it my problem, the more inflamed the situation grew. Who knows why kids sometimes get into this habit? It was only when I became nonchalant about the whole thing and let the child in question have space to become upset about it did things start to improve. When we let them work through this big stage of development in their own time, things go much more smoothly. Stay away from the punishments and rewards and give it plenty of time (I've seen kids need months to make this transition).

More info: assessments can be helpful. I love this site:

http://betterkidcare.psu.edu/AngelUnits/OneHour/ToiletLea...

Good luck!

H. Wheeler

Hello B.-

I was a Nanny for many years and potty trained a lot of kids, now as a parent coach, I help many parents through issues like yours. Pooping is the hardest skill to learn during potty training, not only because it's a tough skill, but at the age of 3 things become a power struggle with kids. The more you want it, the more they will push back.

When I've potty trained, specifically with the pooping part, I first learn the child's poop schedule, often they will need to poop after a meal.

Now, I suggest, (if you can), bring a small TV into the bathroom. Before his natural pooping time, tell your son he can watch the "special" TV if he poops in the potty. Keep this up for a few days, then switch to a book, then to a toy. If you don't have a problem with a TV in the bathroom, keep it there until the pooping part is learned.

Next, if you believe that pooping his underwear is a power struggle, I believe in natural consequences. If he poops his pants on purpose, then he cleans his pants or does chores to buy new underwear. Having to spend his money on underwear and NOT Hot Wheels will leave an impression!!!

As for telling him you're disappointed, I suggest not doing that. This age still relys greatly on positive reinforcement. There is a saying, it takes 10 positive words to undo the harm of 1 negative word, this is especially true with preschoolers. Praise when he does good, and make him help clean-up his messes. Use facts, if you poop in the potty you don't need to clean the mess, when you want to discuss the poor performance.

Good Luck!

R. Magby

Back off.

If you are this frustrated over potty training you are way to attached and it will never work.

Your son needs space. Kids do things when they are ready and if you put all this pressure on you are setting yourself up for a kid who controls you by making you frustrated because you want him to do something and he doesn't.

Buy him pull ups and let him decide he is ready.

You are not in charge of body, you are there to love and support him. Not to control him. He will have to prove this to you if you let yourself get emotional.

You have to learn to put these things in perspective or the rest of life is going to be hell and you are going to ruin you life with you son.

He has to learn to do these things organically or everything in his life is going to be pressure.

N. Marie

Ohhhhh, B.. Been there done that. I put my son back in diapers after cleaning poop from every surface on him and in my house. About two months before his 4th b-day we had a "when your a big-boy" talk, which included using the toilet. Ramping him up to be a "big boy" seemed to get him prepped for the potty training. On his 4th birthday he told me he was a big boy now and used the toilet ever since. BTW, he hated using a potty chair. He wanted to use the big toilet, so I got him the little chair that sits on the seat and a step stool. We had only a few pee accidents after that-- apparently he was too busy to go to the bathroom!
You have my blessings,
S. S.

Have you tried just letting him run around without underwear or pullups or diapers? It worked for my son, who would use the potty to pee, but did not like to poop in the potty. I got tired of cleaning poop out of his underwear too, and our doctor suggested going back to letting him run around naked for a while (which is how we got him potty trained in the first place). It worked great and I never had to clean up poop accidents around the house.

My daughter will be 3 in april and showed many signs of readiness but clearly isn't ready to the point that it's going smoothly. So as many of the other readers suggest I've backed off. There is one thing that wasn't mentioned in the other posts that may or may not be relevant to your situation - the fact that your son is 3 and has an 8 month old sibling. My daughter was born when my son was just over 2 1/2 and he definitely had some set-backs which I think were related to her birth and was doing what you described, except the opposite - we couldn't get him to PEE in the toilet. I hope you take some comfort in the fact you are not alone and that in the end it will work out. Consider the adjustment of a new sibling and sharing Mom and Dad - that could be a factor. Also, he may be trying his best but is confused so isn't executing consistently and then it's made worse b/c he knows you're upset. So another thing that I do when I feel like I'm too close to the situation that I lose my perspective, is just imagine you're his life coach not his parent, and it's your job to support him win or lose and teach him how to get better at it - whether it's learning how to dress himself, make his bed, go potty on the toilet, or kick a soccer ball. For me, it gives me perspective without my emotions getting in the way and feeling like it's a failure on MY part - like there's something wrong with me 'cause my child isn't potty trained. Good luck and deep breath!

He is battling you for control, so give it to him. Tell him it is his choice if he goes in his pants, and his problem. Make him clean up his own mess, washout his own undies, even do his own smelly laundry (with your direction of course). It will get old fast, and he will start trying to use the potty. I would take away all those hotwheels and candy, and just pretend you do not care one way or the other what he does. If you are out having fun and he has a "accident", then fun time is over. Make it about his control, not yours.

My son is now 3 1/2 and does not poop in the potty so I can totally relate to your frustration. My son goes through the night and all day dry in underwear but when he needs to poop he asks to use a diaper. I also reward for a "try" if he just sits on the potty and "practices" a poop. Everything I have read suggests backing off and not putting a lot of stress into the situation- maybe he could ask for a pull up to reduce the mess? I also understand this to be a very common situation. My son has a certain way he squats to poop that can't be done on a potty so he has a mental hurdle to jump before he will realize he can do it in a toilet. I think they all get there eventually, and I try not to put my frustration on him, as hard as that is. Good luck to you- you are not alone!

Our daughter just turned 3 and has been 'trained' for 3/4 year. She does not poop in the toilet though. At her 3 year appointment, I explained this to her doctor and she was adamant that we don't punish or push her to try to force her to do so. It really is a position/comfort thing with some kids.

She asks me for a diaper when she has to "caca" as we call it in our house. She then goes to a private place IN the bathroom, does her business, and I help get her "fresh" again. The pediatrician said that she is trained, just not fully trained. She then gave my daughter a little one-on-one, face-to-face chat about how she knows that it's hard to poop in the potty, but she just knows that the next time she comes to see her, she will know how. Then we (doc & I) did some cross-talk with each other about what a great big sister she is, how helpful she is, all the good choices she makes, and how she's growing and healthy... little things to pump up my daughter so she knew we weren't being hard on her.

She does try, but it is hard for her. She's verbal enough that she can explain it to us (it hurts when she can't squat). We tried rewards, but she really doesn't need motivation, just time and our patience. Thankfully she's able to fit in her little sister's diapers, so we aren't spending money on pull-ups or diapers just for her.

The idea of natural consequences is great. Kids don't want to stop to help clean up their own mess, have him help you. Tell him he needs to tell you when he needs a diaper so he can poop. You don't need to tell him you're disappointed--he knows this already. He may be disappointed in himself too, and this is his reaction.

Have him clean it up, with your supervision. Tell him to put the poop in the potty, get his underwear to the washing machine, and give him a quick bath everytime it happens. I had a friend wash her daughter with cold water everytime she had an "accident".

Whatever reward you are giving him, he may only have when he poops in the potty. That means no candy or Hot Wheels any other time. If he has an accident, maybe take the Hot Wheel back.

I also struggled with my son, we tried everything as it sounds you did too. The poop present worked, but only once. I finally told him he had to wipe himself, so he would get in the tub, pull down his own pull up and clean himself up. I had a bigger job cleaning up the bath tub afterwards, but it didn't take long for him to decide he would rather go in the potty.

We day potty trained my son when he was 18 months pretty easily, he's 2 1/2 now, but he still goes through periods where he doesn't want to poop in the potty. The way I look at it is, for me it's really no more work to clean poop out of his underwear than it was to change a diaper (although we used cloth so it was always a bit of a process). So, it really isn't a big deal to us--I know it's a comfort thing for him, if he gets a little constipated he doesn't want to use the potty for a month or so afterward. I know you just want it to be done, but I think potty training is always a process. I am happy not to have to worry about diapers for pee and during the months where he is pooping in the potty it's really nice, and when he's not I just try to remember how many diapers I am not changing, how I'm not dealing with diaper rash, or leaks etc. I remember an adviser of mine being shocked when I told her my son was pretty much potty trained (I'm a novices mom so I didn't know that you don't potty train kids that little). She said her daughter demanded a diaper to poop in forever. Her daughter left for an Ivy League college this fall and she appears to be fully potty trained :)...so I just try to remember that!

Treats and rewards worked for us, too. But we had the same trouble with the pooping, although luckily for us he would ask for a diaper most of the time instead of going in his clothes. Might be worth it if you see him needing to go, to offer a diaper. We kept up the positive reinforcement and eventually he just started going on the potty, but it did take awhile.

we use small hand held video game as long as they well set there, and also hot rod car mags. also baby power on hands after wards he loves the smell [and it's not candy] good luck ,hang in there mom ,they wont want you to clean their bottoms forever.grandma mona

Join the club. My little girl does the same thing and is about the same age as your little boy. She is getting better I do have to say. I think it is a first time / learning thing. Never found the answer but I can gradually see some improvement. I think it will all just work itself out. I wouldn't want to clean the underwear out though. In my situation, she would wait till she went to bed, would get relaxed and go then, so it was easy for me to tell her that if she was gonna go in her panties that she would have to wear night night diapers to bed till she learned how to go on the potty. Personally I think that made an impact because she got a feel of how it feels to not have those big bulky things on at night so a few weeks of the night night diapers telling her that she can't go back to panties till she learns how to poop in the potty, helped. It wasn't an instant help but in the long run it did help somewhat. I think that time really and truly takes care of it. Just keep telling him that the potty is where he is supposed to be going and keep up your awards. Seems like you are doing all the right things.
Good luck

It took me a bit to potty train my son (who's now 6 1/2). I tried everything you are describing. I ended up following the advice of my father. I didn't do rewarding, but LOTS of praise. I made sure to get rid of anything that was like a diaper and only had underwear. It takes about 15-30 min for the body to digest. Make sure you know if he's going potty in his pants on purpose or accident. If my son went on purpose, it was usually because he was so distracted. In that case, I had him clean his own mess. If it was an accident (he tried to make it to the toiled and missed) then I would assist him in cleaning up. I made sure that I didn't ASK him, but rather TELL him he had to go. That seemed to work better. Make sure you have certain times you have him go...i.e. first thing in the morn, before you leave somewhere, after a meal...etc. Potty training is all about cleaning up. It's not fun, but in the end when your child is going on their own...it's all worth it. Good luck!

You got a lot of advice, but I just wanted to add make sur your son doesn't have any other learning issues. I didn't know any better at first since our oldest was our first. I just thought it was incredibly hard. Now I know he has high functioning autism..

If he doesn't have other issues, I agree with makin it not a big deal. That means no big rewards. If he has success, tell him good job and you are proud of him. If he has an accident, make him clean it up from beginning to end.

B.,

My son just turned 4 and has been potty trained (except night and naps) for only about 6 months. We didn't push him with any incentives, treats, toys, etc. My pediatrition told me to remember, kids don't go to school wearing diapers, so give him time. I know it is hard but he will realize what to do when he is ready. Our son is also very tall so others "assume" he is older. So it was probaby more uncomfortable for us than it was for him. I would suggest giving him more time, not pushing him with it and just continue to take him with you/his dad when you go. Also ask him time and time again if he needs to go. We also had our son "just stand there for a minute" to see if he had to go. He didn't like at first, but he would usually end up going pee. So hang in there, and really just remember, he'll get potty trained eventually. We would all like it sooner rather than later but I think it's something we can't push.

R. (fellow mom to late-potty boy)

Girls train up faster than boys so you can imagine that my usual attitude who isn't potty trained by the time they grow up did not hold well with our grandson who only began to be interested in urinating outside at the same age as your son.
We had a farm and so were more than tolerant of how he wanted to train himself.
Winter was far away. The potty we chose was a two step elevated one that was easily reached. He chose instead to place the plane hoop his mother bought over the toilet himself and use it with just the step for the sink to help him. It did not take me long to see that he was in the 90th percentile for height and so could be more independent than other children in our family had been.
It was hit and miss for a few months but then success. For him it was the choices that he made himself that helped more than all the bribery that could be offered.

Have you tried boxers? They feel less like a diaper. We let our son run around the house with just boxers until he went. Old Navy has them in xxs.

I am the mother of four kiddos and I have two fully potty trained kiddos (10 and 6), one partially potty-trained (almost 4), and one not (2).

My older two didn't fully potty-train during the day until they started Kindergarten. That's 5 years old. Yes, it took that long. But they potty-trained in one day and never had an accident after that. I had them in pull-ups until -they- were ready.

My almost 4 y/o wants to try to be a big girl like her sisters, but she has other issues that make it more difficult for her.

Don't make it a power struggle. Stay calm and stop dangling toys in front of him. That does -not- help.

Find things your son is interested in doing and each day that he goes on the potty, he can then do those activities. I ran a daycare for 21 years and had some pretty tough children to work with. I would talk to the child about the fact that going on the potty is something all children do at some stage in their life and it's nice if they are successful by the time they go to kindergarten. At 3 1/2 years, they understand this. Then I tell them that starting on this date, picking a date a week or so in advance, they may (most of the kids in the daycare wanted to play video games with the older kids, go outside and play with the older kids, etc.) then do those activities when they wear big boy(girl) panties and go on the potty like the big kids. They agree and when the accident happens and they lose the activity for the day, they are very sad. The next day they work hard at being successful. Never berate the child, only remind them when they ask to do the activity why they no longer can do it for the day. Be very consistent, loving and supportive. If the child is successful, high fives, hugs and bragging about them for the first couple days and then slowly pull away from even those until a few weeks later, a quiet discussion with them about how well they have done with all of this.
Before you start potty training, make sure the child is ready for potty training. Nothing will work if their body is telling them all the signs of having to go potty before they need to go. If a child is telling you right after they go, it will be about two more months before they signs tell them before they go. The child needs to be able to be given two to three simple directions and remember to follow them through. Such as, please take your shoes, put them in your closet and bring me your orange sweatshirt. Or, please take your clean underwear and put them in the drawer and get a pair of socks to wear today. Working on small maturity skills helps them pay attention to what their body is telling them and following through with those signs. Every child is different. If you and the child have been struggling about the bowel movements, it may take a little longer and a little more patience because his body is fighting what it is telling him. Stop giving him rewards and start giving him small jobs to do, complementing him when he is successful. One day, he will start going poop on the potty, all on his own.

B.,

**Talk with him**. My son was 4 1/2 when we finally got him potty trained (has some life changes that sent him into regression). After getting some great advice from this site nearly 2 years ago here's what I did:

One night at dinner I asked him if there was ANYthing about going potty that scared him. He very hesitantly nodded yes, like he thought he'd get into trouble. After many more questions I discovered that he didn't want to poop in the toilet because there were monsters in the toilet that wanted to get him/get his poop. With advice in mind, I set up a step stool so he could squat on the toilet seat to "see" the monsters and tell them to go away before they got him. After we did that we never had another pair of poopy underwear.

In hindsight, and reading other posts like yours, I think it's the water splashing up as the poop hits the water that scares kids while they're potty training.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I called my son 3+ yr old, the potty training conscientious objector... he knew how to use the potty but REALY didn't want to. I tried everything for months, and out of desperation went to serious bribing. I told him what the rewards were ahead of time, they got bigger and better as we went, then set time goals for him to reach in order to earn them, like starting with one success, then 2 successes in a row, etc., the grand finale was an entire week of success to receive the giant toy of his dreams. It wasn't always smooth sailing,but eventually it worked. It also happened that a bigger cousin came over during this time and he had "an accident". The cousin happened to make comment about him still being a baby since he pooed his pants. Don't know if that wasn't the last straw. Good luck! They rarely go to college in diapers.