Since our son was 9 months old I have accustomed him with the bathroom/toilet by doing things such as letting him be in the restroom with hubby and when we use the toilet, letting him help flush the toilet, getting excited when mommy goes potty in the toilet and clapping hands, waving good-bye to our potty as it flushes, letting him sit on the toilet and use it when he wanted, etc. Finally my son showed a readiness to potty train and so I went for it. Going on two months now he has been out of diapers. For the first couple of weeks he did great! It took just one day to transition from diapers to underwear without any accidents, even when we were out and about. However, now that he has been using the toilet solely for over a months he is starting to get lazy. I have taught him how to do everything on his own... pull his pants down, use the toilet, wipe, flush, pull pants up, wash hands, etc.... even so, I always stand there, or at least nearby, so I am readily able to help if he needs it and to supervise since he is still really new at it.
The problem now is that he is getting lazy... or at least I think it is laziness. When we are out grocery shopping I will ask if he needs to go potty and he will tell me yes or no depending on whether he has to go or not. We NEVER have an accident while we are out and about. But when we are home, it is a completely different story. Since he will not yet go to the toilet on his own I have to regularly tell him to go and he is now starting to tell me "no" and throw fits while we are at home. If I ask him if he needs to use the toilet while we are at home his answer is always "no." In a result to this, I have to get mad at him and demand he goes to the toilet. Even still, he has quite a few accidents while we are at home. One of the biggest things he his being lazy about is pooping in the toilet. About half of the time now he is pooping in his pants. I keep telling him he needs to go potty on his own without mommy telling him to go. I also tell him that if poop starts coming out then he needs to run to the toilet... but so far he won't. I thought if I spanked him a few times for putting poop in his underwear instead of the toilet then he would learn... but he hasn't. Now I am questioning whether I should continue that route. I don't want him to think I am a mean mommy and I don't want him to be afraid of coming to me if he has a real accident, not just one out of laziness.
Have any ideas or suggestions? Like I said, we didn't have ANY accidents until just recently.
Our son is 2 years and 7 months old. Yes, I know that is early for a boy to potty train... but he showed readiness and that is why we fully transitioned. Going back to diapers is NOT an option so please do not suggest it. Thanks.
Okay, so I spoke to a friend of mine that has 3 children and was very recently in my very same shoes. We are expecting #3 baby and my friend said her eldest child did the same exact thing... she regressed because she knew a "baby" was coming and new it was going to be a big change but wasn't sure exactly how it would affect her. She said my son is regressing because of baby #3 and he isn't sure how to react. That would make perfect sense since he has only started doing this in about the last week and we told him about 2 weeks ago.
He is regressed. You have to adapt or just keep doing what you are doing. So, either start all over with the potty training and give rewards when he goes, we do 1 jelly bean for pee and 2 jelly beans for pooh, and use some pull-ups or wash lots of clothes. If you keep at it he will eventually gt back in the swing of it.
This sounds like something pleasant has become a power struggle, big time.
Take a moment and look at this website.
http://www.betterkidcare.psu.edu/AngelUnits/OneHour/Toile...
There is a list for assessment of readiness, and it might be different than the one you have, I do not know. This list was composed for early childhood education students, and this developmentally-appropriate child-led approach has been proven successful time and again. I have worked with children for over 19 years and have seen this firsthand, which is why I post this link near-weekly for questions of this regard.
First off, you are asking him a yes or no question in regard to "does he need to use the potty" and then, instead of taking his 'no' as a no, you are getting upset with him and *demanding* he use the toilet. As a mom and a teacher, I never ask, I tell/invite them to use the toilet. There is a profound difference in these two experiences for the child. In what you are doing, asking, ignoring his input and over-riding it, you are devaluing his perception of his own needs and his ability to assess if he needs to go, and this is why you are butting heads. DO NOT ASK FOR HIS INPUT IF YOU ARE GOING TO IGNORE IT. As wives, when our husbands do this, it makes us cross-eyed and crazy, and this is what you are seeing with your son. If you are going to send him to the bathroom to 'try', then just send him, don't offer an option only to rescind it. Children will respond better to an authoratative "In a minute, we need to go potty", where you are being clear about what's happening, instead of asking him to make an assessment of what he needs, and then telling him it's wrong.
No wonder he's frustrated.
Have you ever tried to run when something was coming out of your body? I just ask, because this is your advice to your son. Chances are, this situation is so loaded for him that he's not telling you about the poop because he doesn't want to be hurt/spanked. Spanking children is an extremely distressing and angering experience for them. And you are feeding this cycle/dynamic because he's probably very angry at you for hurting him when he makes the mistake of having a poop accident. Kids have accidents.
There are always two philosophies one can apply to situations such as these: either there is a problem and we the adults must apply technique after method after punishment/reward to 'change' the child and thus, we make their challenge our problem; the other view, which I like to take, is that the child has a challenge and while we can provide support for encouraging their success, the child must be allowed to master this challenge on their own terms.
To me, in this case, that would be sending the child to the toilet once every 1-2 hours, and if they don't 'go', just follow up in a 30-45 minute window. Save the toys or whatever they are playing with in a safe place if there are other children around. Let the child change themselves if they have a pee accident, and if it's poop, have them help with holding doors open/ bags open for the cleanup (children should not be made to touch feces, even their own). And then, let them be. My observation over the years has been simply this: the more the parents try to control the child in this regard, the bigger the power struggle, the more poopy pants in days to come.
You are going to have to figure out how to repair the relationship you have with your son around this issue, and I can tell you that "let's try better next time" is a lot more encouraging than what's going on right now. Your language regarding your son as "lazy"... I would try to find something more forgiving and understanding. He's *Not yet Three*, and doesn't have any moral understanding of laziness. He's still such a young child. Can you soften your heart a bit?
I know you want the best for your son, and I know you are averse to going back to diapers. I won't suggest it, but if your son does, listen. He's going to try to get things right too. Our kids need us to have faith that they can work out their challenges. (That's from Bettelheim's "A Good Enough Parent". You might find this book illuminating.)
H.
I think you've gotten good answers so far.... I did want to add one thing. I am a fan of the "natural consequence" over "punishment" - generally in life, but specifically with parenting.
So, when he has an accident - what happens? And by that I mean.... who cleans it up? Because the 'natural consequence' to him NOT using the potty is that clothes need to be washed, the floor needs to be cleaned... whatever. So HE should help you (therefore losing play time etc).
But with a natural consequence there is no anger or 'punishment'. I also didn't use a reward:
If she went to the potty it took just a couple minutes and then she got to go back to playing. I do give pos reinforcement though - "good job on the potty now we have time for a story!"
If she had an accident - well, WE (she would always have to help) had to stop. clean the floor if there was pee/poop. dump the pee/poop into the potty off the clothes. wipe her bottom with wipes. put the old clothes into the washer. pick out new clothes. I would rather be playing. Let's go on the potty next time so we get more time to play and we don't have to clean potty up!
Good luck!
I don't really think that's early for a boy...that's the average age my 3 boys were trained. I would suggest having HIM clean up his messes when they happen. HE can rinse peed on undies, and HE can dump poopies in the toilet and rinse those undies, too! When he realizes that he has to deal with the natural consequences of his laziness, I'm SURE he will change his ways. I personally know two people (one of them me) who have tried this method, and so far it has a 100% success rate! No one wants to deal with 'accident undies', not even their owner :) Good luck to you and your son.
Well, I don't know what the solution is if you are not willing to go back to diapers or at least Pull-ups, but YES, you are being too hard on your son.
Read your post again, and really listen to your daily interaction with your son and the amount of energy, stress, anger and all-around negativity that is being brought about by this incredibly common issue.
Is that really worth it to you? Do you really want to spend your time battling with your son, and countless hours talking to him about this boring subject of poop? You really think that is better than having a fun, warm and possibly educational time with him playing, reading, and loving?
It is highly unlikely you would have this issue in another year or year and a half. But you do not have patience to wait that long, and for some reason you want to push this issue and spend that time battling with your son instead of having fun with him.
Ok then, it's your house, do it your way. Battle away. Me -- I'd put him back in diapers or pull-ups, relax and enjoy my child until he's REALLY ready.
EDIT: Just read the answer below and I'm appalled. He's not even THREE. Make him clean up the mess? I'm sorry, he's a baby, that's brutal. Lighten up.
Read the other responses below, and I'm just shaking my head. Lighten up, people!!!!!
I would not go back to diapers I would go back to potty training tactics, I would insist he sit on the potty regularly at home (no TV till you sit on the potty, no lunch until you sit on the potty, etc) and reward him with a small (M &M or skittle) candy when he poops in the toilet!
My boys were potty trained 4 months after they turned 2. I'd suggest just being consistent, patient and discipline him if it's an attitude issue. That is different than just being too young. He'll get it soon. Hang in there!
Rather than go from being proud of his accomplishments directly to punishment for not doing what you want... why not try rewards for doing it right?
My son trained "early" for a boy also.. He was trained by about the same age as your son, between 30 and 33 months or so. He had a little sister born just barely before his 3rd birthday and he never regressed either. :)
BUT, what I did with him, was reward him for successes. Sure, I still would help him remember to think about using the potty (if he was wanting to go outside to play I would ask, "do you want to potty first so you don't end up needing to go once you're outside?" or something like that; or if he wanted to watch a movie I would ask him if he needed to go potty before he started the movie so he wouldn't have to stop it later; things like that)... but basically I gave him an external reason to WANT to take the time to potty. He got to choose a lifesavers candy and eat it!! I kept them (individually wrapped fruit flavored ones, so lots of pretty colors) in a clear ziploc on the back of the kitchen counter where he could see them but not reach them. It didn't take too long before he was so accustomed to the mental process of being aware and taking action, that he slowly stopped bothering to ask about the lifesavers. So I never had to "stop" giving them to him... it was a natural progression.
Some people use M&Ms, some people use skittles, some people use stickers. Just figure out what you think will motivate your little guy to WANT to bother going to the potty and go with it. I liked the lifesavers b/c they weren't really that much sugar and they last a long time if you only suck on them and not bite them... so it worked really well for him.
Oh I almost forgot... another aspect of the lifesavers was that HE got to CHOOSE which one he wanted (color). Having some control goes a LOOONNG way with that age group. He would stand there for 5 minutes trying to decide which flavor he wanted this time. Then, after he got really really reliable, I quit buying new ones so that all that was left was the flavor/color that he didn't ever choose. He quit asking... teehee
It's a little early, but it really depends on the kid and he's shown he can do it. I think he is using it as a control issue. If he can avoid accidents out of the house, and is only doing it in the house - he is doing it b/c he can - he is 100% in control of this. Which is why it's frustrating. I would try to never punish - just downplay the accidents - say something like - "where does the poopy go? On the floor or in the potty? Right, in the potty, we'll try again next time..." Then let it go. Reward the good behavior and focus giving him attention for that. Take the "battle" out of it - this is one you can't win. Good luck... For what it's worth, my daughter trained before 2, but had a fair amount of accidents for a few months - on and off. My neice trained later, but faster - not sure if that's typical or just them.
I won't be of any help; but I just don't understand why parents push their children into being potty trained. There are just some things parents cannot control and a child's bladder is one of them. Getting 'mad' & 'demanding' & 'spanking' is only going to make the struggle worse & you may win eventually with him not having accidents but you won't win in the long run with yours & his relationship. So my only suggestion is to take a step back & change your approach.
My 1st daughter was potty trained at 23 months, my son 4, daughter 3, daughter 24 months.........I let all of them tell me when they were ready.
I agree with you thats its probably pure laziness on his part. And I totally agree with mommaof4, make him help clean up the gross mess. Encourage him by saying if he can go all day without an "accident" he'll get a small prize, then for two days a bigger one etc. Maybe also trying taking something away. And he can earn it back. I believe we are way too lienent on kids and potty training. Our grandmas didnt have 3 year old kids in diapers lol
I don't think the spanking route is the way that you should go. I really liked the idea given by Brenna M.! Positive reinforcement and avoiding negative punishments seem way more effective. Also I recommend you check out these potty training tips:
http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/potty+training?utm_c...
Like someone else said, I wouldn't punish him for the accident but reward for correct behavior. I don't think he is too young either. Both of my boys were completely trained by that age. However, I would consider taking a step back and maybe help him more. Also, stop asking him if he needs to go and you tell him when it's time to go. 2 year olds are famous for wanting to be in control and for contrary behavior. I used to tell my one son, in a bit of a silly way "oh don't use the potty" and he would always go!good luck!
