Potty Training - Las Cruces,NM

Hi K.,
I can understand how you're worried about a 4-year-old who isn't potty-trained! It's pretty unusual. However, speaking as a parent and not a grandparent, I would say it is the parents' decision when and how to potty-train their children, and that you just have to go along with what they decide. If you are seeing them for only a little while each week then you won't succeed in potty-training, no matter how much you try, and probably would alienate them. Don't worry, it'll happen some time!

Good Morning!!
I have a 2.10 y.o. boy, he is in a day care while I work and it was great help, he is complete potty train since he was 2 1/2 y. o. I have a nephew that stay home with his mom, and start training shortly before start pre kinder at 3 1/2 it was very hard for both, but he did it and now both are very happy since they can go any place with out to worry of any accidents or change of diapers, I think you can keep trying since this is very important and make a big difference in the familly activities, and more in confidence of the kids while they are growing!!
Do not loos the faith and keep trying!!!

Happy Mothers Day!!

E.

I think you are right. A boy nearly 4 should be potty trained! For some reason, we have decided that we should wait until a child does it by themselves and we have such lower expectations for boys and potty training!

I waited until my daughter was "ready" - hah! she was "ready" to say NO! I should have done her sooner. She was trained at 2 yrs and 8 months. I also waited a while because we had just brought her brother home. With her brother, he was trained and in underwear at 23 months and was totally easy. I am now convinced that earlier is better and that waiting for the child to tell you he wants to train is giving him permission to be in diapers until he's 4!

However, you can't make someone train their kids if they don't want to. Everyone has to be on board to help train. Letting a kid go back and forth between diapers and potty is just confusing. I think much of the time it's the parents who aren't ready to train, not the kids. It takes some concentrated work and effort from mom and dad to train a kid.

And, there are times when diapers are just easier... like when you're in the car and your child has to go potty and you have about 45 seconds to find a place for them to go! Eek. Those are times you almost wish they were still in diapers!

It would be very hard to train those kids in the limited time they spend with you, especially when their parents don't reinforce it. Try to give it up and just enjoy your time with them and try not to get angry and pushy with them. It is not their fault. If their parents don't expect or teach them to use the potty, they can't be expected to do so on their own. It must be frustrating for you, but I don't think there's much you can do without creating a lot of tensions and problems.

Hi K.,

I've read all the previous responses and I pretty much agree and disagree with the same advice in all of them.

I highly suggest you do not get involved in your grandchildren's potty training until you are specifically asked to do so!

You do not want your son/daughter and son/daughter in law to resent you. I speak from experience! My M-I-L steps on my toes all the time when it comes to things SHE thinks my children should or shouldn't be doing! Don't even buy the potty seats and the books! That may be subtle but, it is still a subtle way of telling your adult children you don't stand by/or trust in their parenting decisions!

That's the bottom line. Your adult kids need to know that you stand behind them in their parenting. I thought my Mom was going to be the hard one with this concept and she is the best at it! My Mom makes me feel confident in my decisions and my M-I-L just makes me feel angry, sad and unsure of myself!

I have two boys. Both took their sweet old time being potty trained. My oldest was well into being 4! We tried everything and nothing worked. He wasn't ready until we took the pressure of him. After that, he potty trained himself and in one day and we've never had a problem. My youngest will be 4 soon. I see a pattern! :-)

I'm sorry this is so long! I just wanted to show the bigger picture! That is the relationship with your adult kids! Develop that and your grandkids will be right behind!

A. P.

Dear K.,

As a grandmother myself, I say "you are right"! Four is way too old for any normally developing child to be potty-trained. This is pure stubbornness, laziness, or an attention-getter due to jealousy of the younger one. Your grandchildren's parents AND caretaker should be more concerned for their children's healthy development. If the babysitter can't put each child on the potty for at least 10 minutes per hour most of the day, she is caring for too many children, or would she rather continue to change diapers on a 4-year-old? Not me! And I am a day care provider myself. The parents, as far as I'm concerned are either lazy or too much into themselves to care. This is all just my opinion, but I have been working with children most of my life and have a great deal of education in childhood development and training.
K.

My mother also gives me grief because I haven't started potty training my 2-year old, and personally, I don't think it's any of your business when your grandchildren's parents decide to start potty training. Keep your opinions to yourself and let them work on it when they're ready. You're not the parent of these children, so adhere to your boundaries and just have fun with the kids when you see them and stop trying to micro-manage how they are raised. It's not your business.

I believe that daycare is not the right place for learning social skills. They learn best from family not other children. I think it is wonderful that you watch them and I totally understand your frustration. I have 4 children and my boys were potty trained 4 months after they turned 2. One of my daughters was potty trained right around her 3 birthday and my other daughter was nearly 4 when she was potty trained (nearly drove me insane.. :) I'm thinking your grandson could be potty trained fairly quickly since he is older. I would think that you could work with him when you have him even if his parents aren't doing anything. My youngest son was motivated when I offered him 1 penny for going number 1 and two pennies for going number 2. I hope that helps! Good luck!

Absolutely the 4 yo should be potty trained - my goodness! Unless he has a physical reason, than it comes down to persistence with the parents. The 2 yo should definitely be taking steps too - but seeing her older sibling skating along at 4 with no modeling of what SHOULD be her next milestone, is not a very good message.

This happened with my step-sons' mom. My step-son was 4 and not potty trained - and her attitude was that "every child is different, I'm not rushing him." My then youngest daughter was 2 and she was nearly potty trained. It wasn't acceptable to me that when he'd visit we'd have to deal with it at his age, so I put my foot down and for a week straight made it my sole mission. I sent him back completely potty-trained and tossed out any diapers he had. In truth, his mom said she was very thankful (she had just had another baby during his stay with us) and was glad not to have 2 in diapers at the same time. This was years ago - and now she's in the same situation with her other child - 4 yo and not potty trained.

Bottom line - parents who say their kids just "aren't interested" seems silly to me. Kids don't know about it until they are introduced to it and given expectations to meet. If a child didn't seem interested in vegetables, would parents just stop and wait until they were? LOL

I'd have a heart to heart with the mom and tell her that everyone needs to be on the same page. It's not fair for you to put in the time and energy into helping, if she's not going to follow-through on her end.

A DVD I always recommend is "Potty Power" at www.amazon.com

P.S. I find it interesting that not too long ago; there were no such thing as Size 5+ diapers. It's only been because people have waited so long that now kids are old/big enough to practically wear Depends for adults by the time they are done potty-training :)

Best,
C.

I Totally agree with you!! I babysity a little girls who is 2 1/2 and finally told her mom either work with me here or find someone else, its pretty gross changing poop diapers from a child that eats adult food! In fact we started last week and we are almost there. In her case the little girl is lazy becuase "mom" allows her to do what "SHE" wants at home so whatever i did at my house reversed as soon as she got home. And i have told her this (she is also a friend of mine). But with consistancy we should have it done in no time, and mom now agrees, plus doesnt want to find another sitter.

I feel that there are "some" issues to be left alone and for a parent to stand off, however not in this case. My mom was the one who said "look she is telling you she's wet, that means she knows!" and she was right, that was my oldest and she was only 1 year and 3 months old. I didnt force her but trained her, big difference, and it worked. All 4 of my children were potty trained before they were 2, and trust me they weren't "ready" but once they got the jist of it which was a couple of days it went smooth. Of course there will be accidents, but they're learning.

L.

I'm with you! My grandsons weren't toilet trained until they were four (they're 17 mos apart), and it drove me crazy. I hated changing soiled diapers, but only had one of them every other weekend so didn't have the chance to actually do much toilet training. My daughter didn't work, so I just never understood why she was so lazy about getting them toilet trained. I'm also a social worker, and have worked with many disabled children. It's amazing that even children with cognitive disabilites such as Down Syndrome can be toilet trained by age 2, but so many "typical" kids aren't getting it. I truly believe it's the parenting skills that make a difference, & I get a little bit tired of hearing parents say their child "isn't ready".

As the Grandmother ofcourse you'll be concerened but you need to remember that that you are the Grandmother, not the parent. You can give advice when asked but it's really not your place to say when the kids should be trained or if they should go to daycare, thats up to the parents, sorry.

I, too, believe that children are capable of potty training in their twos. I am noticing that children seem to be training later these days, and I wonder why. (But that is beside the point.) As a grandmother of 11, I understand your frustration and pain. However, reality is that it is totally out of your control. You can mention to your daughter/son that you wonder about it and wouldnt they like to have them trained? But the decision is up to them. Loving concern they will accept, judgement or crticism, they wont. That is the bottom line.

As a nanny, I am working with a two year old and we are all working towards potty training. I dont see very much progress. I am wondering if it is the extremely chaotic lives of our times that is preventing the children from focusing enough to accomplish this task? Perhaps we are subjecting them to so many things they become overwhelmed? My heart sinks to see this little guy prodded awake in the wee hours of the morning, to quickly eat, dress and be dropped off at preschool by 7:30 am! He is only 2! When he comes home, he is totally exhausted and is it a wonder he cant think about using the potty? Anyway, though as hard as it is, offer love and concern, advice when asked, and withold criticism. I hang onto the belief that every parent is doing the best they know how, as I did, and will learn as they go, as I did. Sometimes I have to remind myself of this often, but it is really all we can do.

Hi K.!!! ummm to put it nicely you need to step back a ittle.Yes 4 is od enough to be potty trained but he may not be ready for some reason.It sounds ike they mostly stay at home which is the best pace to teach potty training.If you have a chid that is at home at daycare and at their grandparents there's no consistency there.To be abe to potty train the child needs to be in one place for awhie to get the hang of it down.as for the 2 year old i can probably safey say she's not ready.i did not potty train any of my kids till they hit 3.If they showed interest earlier then i tried but none of them got it till they were amost 3 and a half.I'm glad you're a concerned grandparent but remember you're not the one raising the kids.I promise your grandson and grandaughter are not going to be graduating highschool in pampers!!!

as far as learning social skills from a daycare...i worked in childcare for many years and i am now very anti childcare.If a mom is abe to stay at home i see no reason for the child to go to a daycare a couple times a week where the child may very well pick up behavior or nasty habits that are not wanted in the home.A child earns social skills from friends and famiy around her.I homeschool my 6 and yes we get the socializtion thing a lot.But when we went to my mi's health and safety fair(she teaches school) my kids were the one talking to kids of all ages and asking the firemen tons of questions.They're the first ones to start a game of tag at the park with other kids,or talk to a lonley old man sitting on a bench.So no my feeing is they do not need to be in daycare to learn social skills.Where usually the rooms are filled to capacity and the daycare teacher has to stick to a strict schedule.

It drives me crazy when my mother gives me unsolicited advice. She me be trying to be helpful but she comes off as condescending.

Are you assuming that the babysitting isn't helping or do you know this for a fact? I'm sure they are aware that extra attention may be needed for potty training but they may not be willing to share this with you.

I wouldn't tell my mom if I was struggling with potty training. She would only 'rub it in' and then make more comments that would probably push me over the edge.

My mother also tells me about all her friends who have selfish daughter-in-laws that wont give them grandchildren. So for the time being, celebrate your grandchildren and be grateful for dirty diapers. From what she tells me, theres lots of women out there dying to have grandbabies.

1st should a 4 yr old be potty trained yes. 2nd should the babysitter help yes. 3rd should children go to day care to learn socialization depends on the child. 4th do you have the right to make it a big deal NO. sadly you raised your children taught them what you thought they needed to know at the times you thought were proper now it is your child turn. personally nothing ticks me off more then my mother or mil telling me how to raise my kids. the both did ok job with us but honestly i would never let either raise my children one is to strict the other to relaxed. you i am sure have already made it known in your day children were potty trained by now keep telling them & it is likely to tick the mom off were she just doesn't want you around telling her how she is failing as a mom.
the socialization of daycare can be gotten in play dates & time spent with family. my 6yr went to an in home day care for 3 yrs with the same 6 kids it kind of turned into a family for her. my son however will not go to daycare & he is extremely social even @ 9 months

Ditto Kaiya P. I'm a mother of a 4 yr old girl & 2 yr old boy. My 4 yr old was not potty-trained until 3.5, but my 2 yr old is showing signs that he's ready. Each child is different, but I agree that you'll most likely just put a wedge between you & the PARENT. Altho - it sounds like they're not trying very hard -- it is sometimes a hard task to undertake, but It's your child's turn to make those mistakes. Daycare issue - I wouldn't CHOOSE to put my children in daycare for socialization. yes they might need socialization, but I'd rather do playdates where I can supervise. How do you know what kind of socialization they are getting at daycare (ie: hitting, biting, bad words)?! Just try to relax & enjoy being a grandma. Let them be the parent! Happy Mother's Day.

K.,
I have a stepgrandson who will now be 5 in July. I potty trained him myself. I do believe that the parents are the ones who will know when the child will be ready to potty train because they live with them and so they are with them when they wake up in the morning. My grandson has lived with us since he was 11 months old (we raise him ). When he was 3 yrs old he was waking up with a dry pull up ( we started him out by wearing the pull ups to "be a big boy"). That was when I started to potty train him. He did really good I let him run around outside ( we have 5 acres ) with no clothes on during the summer and told him when he had to potty go and water the tree for Nana... He loved that! When we were in the house I would reward him with M&M's 2 for potty and 3 for poop. I took about 2-3 weeks and he was potty trained! His daycare was aware of the routine and they were encouraged to help us with this because who really likes to change diapers! I think you need to sit down and ask your "kids" if they are ready to potty train their kids yet. Good luck, and I commend you for wanting to help with this sometimes exhausting process!!! And yes social skills are good when the children are speaking whole sentences and can verbalize what went on in their day.
Sharon

Unfortunately, as grandmothers, we can only give advice, we cannot do more than that unless we have full time care of the grandchildren. Yes, they should be working on potty training, but having you work on it alone will not help, and will make the kids (and maybe the parents) upset at you. They parents have to make that decision. Sorry!

You have three VERY different questions here. The first is should your grandchildrens' babysitter help potty train. YES. If the babysitter spends a considerable amount of time with the child, they should be helping to potty train by making sure he tries to go at least every hour. However, it is not something you should do by yourself for a couple of hours--potty training is a 24/7 responsibility and you don't want to frustrate your grandson with inconsistencies (no matter how good intentioned). The parents also need to be working on potty training at home.

The second question is where the problem lies. Should he be potty trained by now. That really depends on him. Yes, most kids his age are either potty trained or are potty training, but if he is not willing to work on it, you can't MAKE him go. Pediatricians like to give a "let him set the schedule" approach nowadays to avoid the mistake of them starting and then wanting to stop later or even worse, being scared of going poopy on the potty and then having constipation issues from holding it in. That being said, there are ways to encourage him to WANT to go. Get potty dvds (my kids loved Elmo Potty Time), take him to the store and have him pick out his very own "big boy" underwear. Put him in pull-ups and help him to notice when the "helicopters are gone" or "feel when he is wet" depending on his learning style. Buy him a special potty watch (I am a huge advocate for the potty watch because it trained all 3 of my older kids in a week). The potty watch is basically a timer they wear on their wrist which you set and it tells them it is time to go by playing music and lighting up. My kids loved it. You can get them online fairly cheaply at pottytimeinc.com. Make everything associated with going potty positive. Eventually he will WANT to go and be proud of himself when he does.

Your third question is about learning social skills at daycare. That is actually being proven to be false. New studies show that the opposite is actually true. I know from personal experience a friend of mine has a son (only child) who was fairly well-behaved until he went to daycare. He then began hitting, talking back, saying things that he learned in daycare that he didn't hear at home, etc...and he was only there for 2 days a week.

Here is an excerpt from an article I read recently:

Being in preschool for more than six hours a day can be damaging to a young child's social and emotional development compared to children who stay home with their parents, researchers at the University of California-Berkeley, and Stanford University have concluded.

The new, government-funded study, which involved more than 14,000 kindergartners across the U.S., found that a moderate exposure to preschool helps youngsters develop their cognitive abilities in pre-reading and math. But extended absence from their parents also appears to heighten behavioral problems, such as a lack of cooperation, sharing and engagement in classroom tasks, most notably among kids from more affluent families.

On average, the report found that the earlier children enter preschool, the slower their pace of social development, while cognitive skills are stronger when children are first enrolled between the ages of two and three.

"A child's success in life and academic performance hinges on their healthy social and emotional development. Young children need to be at home bonding with their mothers and fathers."

(This article is online at:
http://www.preschoolingathome.msen.org/Berkeley.html

The original news report that this was based on was:

http://www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/2005/11/01_pr... )

Hope this helps....

Frankly, what makes you wrong is that you are not the parents! I am sure you will get lots of answers like this, as I think most moms have to deal with Grandma thinking she knows better at some point. It's great that you're invovled. Just don't push. Times have changed and we know a lot more about development now -- and we know that it's better to let the child decide when they are ready to use the potty. Pushing just draws out the process, frustrates everybody, and creates power struggles.

Learning social skills is no reason to go to DAYCARE! They can learn just fine by playing at the park, going to a swim class, etc.

K.,
It's obvious that you love your grandkids so very much!! yes, I DO think that your 4 year old grandson should be potty trained by now. And I agree with another mama on here that said that part of the problem of late potty trainers is "wait until they are ready." I started potty training my son at 23 months old and it only took him a couple of days. I think that many people miss the window of opportunity and allow their kids to make the rules. When you were parenting, things were much different. Children were more respectful of authority, more obedient, and almost always potty trained by 2!!
That being said, things ARE different now. Mamas are bombarded with opinions from all angles. Judgements from their friends about being too strict, research thrown in their face about allowing children to do things in their own time, etc. What it all boils down to is- times are different. I think that things worked better as a whole a couple of generations ago, but regardless, your daughter is living in today's world. Whether you agree or not, she does have to make these decisions on her own. I know that when my mother or mother in law (especially!) offers advice, I feel criticized and defensive. Consider taking a step back- love yoru kids and grandkids completely and offer love and support. Thats' all you can do! Trust me, I'm sure she struggles with feelings of inadequacy as most moms do at times. She needs your support. :) Your grandkids are lucky to have a grandma that cares about them so much.

I think ultimately that it is up to the mother and father to decide when they want to take a very proactive step in potty training. When that time happens then the babysitter should definitely be an important part in supporting that when they are with the kids. Otherwise, if the kids see potty training as a must or an intense thing then I imagine it will only prolong the experience for everyone. Perhaps when they are at your house, if you haven't already, you can suggest them using the potty as an intro. or reinforcement, but don't force it. You can buy them potty things, like pull-ups or their own little potties for their house and yours, but remember that you are not the parent and the parents make the decision of when, where, what and how things happen for their own kids.
a

If they are in daycare, I don't know one that wouldn't WANT to be involved in potty training. The one who needs to make the decision is the primary caretaker. Sometimes the parents are the ones who aren't ready.
My advice to you is patience. My sister took almost a year to potty train her 4th, and she didn't start till he was almost 4.
Every child is different and if anyone is angry, there will not be any success.

My m-i-l didn't feel I was doing the right thing by waiting as long as I did with my daughter, and she tried to "take care of it" while I was away one weekend. I believe that negative experience made it take even longer for my daughter to be ready, although it did humble my m-i-l to not thinking she always knows better.

I say just enjoy your grandkids!!! They'll only be this young for a short time. Let yourself relax! You're the Grandma, it's not your responsibility. No one with any real life experience is going to judge, because of a 4 yr old boy in diapers, I've known many of those, all eventually potty trained, and all well adjusted.