My four year old is scared to go potty by herself at school. She has no problem going with her parents or other family members at home and even in public places. She holds it in for a long time and it effects her day and she starts crying eventually when she knows she has to go. We have her go before she goes to school and she will even go at school when we are with her. She only wears a pull up diaper at night but otherwise is potty trained. She knows that she can go to the candy store and even to Disney Land (joke) if she goes but that won't help. Any advice would be great. Should we see a child psychologist/social worker or just keep talking to her and supporting her?? Could this be a bigger issue?
Thanks ladies for your responses. What a great website! Anything but going to my mom and mother in law for advice. Valetta, i was kidding about offering up Disney Land. I would never offer something up and not deliver..totally agree with the trust issue with kids. I meant to show sarcasm there because i offered her a one on one daddy daughter trip to Candy Land at the Mall or a trip down the Super Target doll isle if she went potty at school. My daughter doesn't seem to react to those sorts of treats or privileges because she likes to be in control. And to Barbara, she has never gone potty at school so this has been going on for some time. I wish i could hold it as long as she. My last problem is the teacher. She is pretty cold compared to our former teachers and doesn't like to give face to face time at school w/ the parents. Diane, thanks for your suggestion as i think that was a great idea for the teacher to accompany my wife and daughter into the bathroom for a while so eventually there will be a transition to just my daughter and teacher and then eventually solo. However, she is hard to grab in the mornings and after school and likes to communicate by email..how cold right? Well, my wife failed this morning to grab the teacher to assist in the morning potty run so we'll see how tomorrow goes after "the email". Stay tuned.
I agree with most of the things others have said, however if this is new behavior, I would be concerned. If she went to the potty at school and did not have a problem and all of a sudden she is afraid to go there....you really need to find out why. Is it possible something happened there that makes her uncomfortable?
My daughter was the same way. She wasn't scared, but she just chose not to go. She would hold it, literally, until we picked her up from school (they only went from 8-11:45 and she could hold it for a LOOOONG time). It basically boiled down to the fact that my daughter's personality is one of following the rules. That means... if the class was told to work on x project, she would sit in her chair and work on x project.
She once wet her pants because they were in reading group. And the rule was that you only talked in reading group when it was your turn to read. So she wouldn't even raise her hand to ask to go to the bathroom b/c it didn't happen to be her turn. This is a child that was fully potty trained at 2 yrs old and had never wet the bed.
I think you need to make every effort to let your daughter know that the rules are the rules, yes, but there are exceptions and no one, especially her teacher, wants her to feel like she can't use the potty. EVERYONE has to use the potty. It is just part of the way our bodies work. Be sure and talk with her teacher(s) so that they understand she needs encouragement and "comfort" about going... if she is forced to "announce in front of the class" that she has to go, she might choose to avoid the embarrassment and try to wait it out. Maybe there is a "secret" signal that they can work out... where she might raise her hand and LOOK at the bathroom (isn't there one in the classroom?) and the teacher could give her a nod letting her know it is okay... without her having to SAY what she needs. ? Or perhaps she can get approval to approach the teacher (even when the class is required to be seated) in a more private manner to ask to go.
good luck. It was very frustrating for us... but we got through it. It lasted almost all the way through kindergarten with our darling. But she DID get past it and it wasn't caused by anything sinister going on.
My son is 3 3/4 and he won't use the bathroom if there is anyone else there. We've talked with his teachers and they take him separately into the girls' bathroom by himself so it is just him and a teacher and he does fine with that. Would the teacher be willing to take her to the restroom? Would the teacher being there be enough support? No, this probably isn't something you need to talk with a psychologist about unless there are other issues (other fears/anxieties or other behavior problems,etc.) that you're worried about.
We ran in to this problem with our grand daughter last year in Kindergarten. It turned out she was afraid of how loud different toilets were when they flushed. I talked with the school nurse and she took her in to each stall and let her flush each toilet. They found the 2 quietest ones and she uses those when she goes to the restroom at school.
She does still prefer not to go at school and she holds it as long as she can, but she does know which one to use in case she can't hold it any longer. That's the first thing she does when she gets home each afternoon.
Good luck. Each child has different problems and you just have to solve each one as they come. Love this site for suggestions and communications from other families.
i have a hard time with my 3 year old never telling anyone she needs to go too. so i don't really have much help for you. I was more surprised that you were telling her she could go do disney land but you have no intention of taking her! 4 year olds take that kind of thing very seriously. I try to never lie to my children whether intentional or not. I always want to keep my child's trust. I wouldn't even say we are out of cookies because i don't want them to have one when we do have cookies. Or that chuckee cheeses is closed. lol. : ) You just might want to be careful of what you promise her. Good luck with the potty training though. i'm right there with you.
My daughter has this same problem. I could not get her to go at school and her teachers were concerned, but no one knew what to do to help her. Something just scares her about the preschool potty. I ended up sending her potty seat from home (one of the ones that fits over an adult seat) in her backpack every day, and that solved the problem. She is no longer scared of the potty at preschool and is slowly working up the courage to try the potty without the seat. I think sometimes kids just have to do what works for them until they can make that step. I think talking with her and figuring out what she is comfortable with, an idea that would work for what is bothering her, would be the best way to go. I don't think therapy is necessary, but every situation is different and it definitely could only help. I say go with your gut feelings. Good luck!
My son was the same way. He's in 1st grade now and I'd bet a million bucks he has never pooped at school til this day. Now he pees OK, but he didn't in preschool or K (half day) he just preferred to hold it.
I do not think this is an issue that is in need of a psychologist, it actually is quite normal. I own a preschool and this is a challenge for some children. Going potty is a very personal thing and some children are just not comfortable going potty in front of everyone. What I do is have mommy or daddy and the teacher go in together and have them go in front of their teacher with mommy or daddy's encouragement. This may help her to feel more comfortable with mommy or daddy there and also show her it is safe and okay to do potty with her teacher there. Is it possible it is a privacy issue. She may not want anyone in the bathroom when she is there and feels uncomfortable. I would ask the teacher what their routine is. Do they go as a group, do they go individually? I would ask the director if it is possible for the teacher to accompany you with you child and talk her through this very private and personal milestone. Good luck I am sure it will pass.
