I am a mother to a 2 1/2 year old and 4 1/2 month old daughters.
I'm needing some advice on how to potty-train my 2 1/2 year old successfully at home. She has been fairly successful at keeping herself dry at her daycare preschool since November, which she attends 3 days a week (T, Th, F) from 9 to 5, with a few accidents at the beginning of the week, and hardly, if any, by the end on day 3. At the time, both her teacher and I decided that we would just focus on potty-training at school, since according to her, my daughter seemed very ready (want to go with the other girls, pull down her own pants, throw away her diaper, wipe, flush the toilet, and pull her pants back up), and we had a newborn at home...seemingly a huge factor in everyone's eyes.
As December rolled around, we decided that we'd go ahead and try it at home. Well, that was pure disaster on my part, both decision-wise as well as the poor execution. I don't know what made me think to try to start potty-training, while still being sleep-deprived, breastfeeding a newborn and during the holidays while having guests for 3 weeks?! Talk about stressful, and probably the worst decision I made in terms of my daughter's desired success for using the toilet. We went through 10 to 12 pairs of underwear a day, as she seemed to just 'want to' have an accident just for the joy of having to change in to new panties and pants (that and getting my attention), and even ran down the hallway, squatted and pee'd on to the floor, seconds after asking her if she had to go. I felt like I was literally chasing her around the house, hounding her to use to the toilet to no avail, and cleaning up after her accidents. After a week or two of this, having to pre-hand wash loads and loads of urine-soaked bottoms every other day, I had had it, and my daughter knew it. By the end of the month, she asked to use her diapers again. I was crushed but understood, and felt ever-so-guilty. Guilty for setting her up to fail, as well as negatively reacting to her accidents (due to delirium and stress). Admittedly, I can be quite dramatic and emotional.
About a month ago, I had another meeting with her teacher, and we both agreed that she is ready. She suggested that we have a family talk one night and ask her ultimately what she'd rather use: diapers or panties (when asked at school, she said panties), and that we all go and 'throw away' all of her diapers the next morning, so as for them to no longer be an option (she said even during naps and night time -- yikes!)
I have since found every excuse to avoid this at all costs. I have to admit, being at home full-time and on her about using the toilet and having a newborn is extremely exhausting, and often times very stressful, both the behavior part, as well as the laundry (both underwear/pants and bed sheets)! On the same token, I am so ready for her to be fully potty-trained, and am aware that she truly not only knows, but has the capability to be successful at using the toilet.
She can, has, and will use the toilet, both for pee and poo successfully. However, she will also seemingly intentionally have 'accidents' when she senses any stress, pressure or lack of attention from either my husband or me. Her accidents tend to correlate with our tone and/or behavior, either when we start to raise our voices upon her not listening (typical toddler behavior), when she's about to get a consequence, or when she needs to wait for our attention (i.e., while I seclude myself in the nursery and breastfeed my infant). She will then come interrupt and tell us that she has pee pee or poo poo. She has also taken off her diaper, put it in the garbage, wiped herself with wipes, and put on a new pair of underwear.
I've been trying to set a timer and take her every 20 to 30 minutes, and often time she fights me and my husband, tooth and nail, kicking and screaming. I don't want to make this too difficult or challenging for her, nor do I want to associate negativity with using the toilet (i.e., power struggle).
Does anyone have any advice for a desperate, tired, and stressed mother of two on how to successfully potty-train a bright, yet seemingly lazy and/or manipulative attention-seeking two-year old girl?
I realize that this decision is and ultimately will be up to her, but on the same note, I am so ready for her to be fully potty-trained, and am aware that she truly not only knows how, but has the capability to be successful.
Any advice or suggestions would be highly appreciated. Thank you so much in advance!
You are correct to think your child CAN do it - she does it at school. So, what is the meaning of her behavior at home? Why is she doing all she can to make you change her? Clean after her? Is it possible she wants you to baby her?
Your are busy with a new baby, and it is common for the older sibling - herself a baby, if you think about it - to regress and want you to take care of her just like you used to do, and now you do it to another person, This is the seed of jealousy.
As much as you want her to be "more grown up", and as much as she wants it and capable of it, as long as she does not make sure her place in your heart is secure, that you do not prefer someone else over her. As long as she does not feel taken care of - she has no incentive to move forward, and the "training" will be harder and longer. As paradoxical as it sounds, the more you will let her regress (with you! Do not go back in the preschool she is in) and let her use diapers, and lovingly change her, without scolding, criticizing or pushing in any way, just envelop her with softness, hope and trust that SHE will choose when to give this care up - the faster she will choose to move forward on her own.
You are tired, and sleep deprived, and want some time with your new baby. But with the second child we do not have the time we had with the first one, and the older sibling have new needs : the need to be reassured she was not replaced by a competition.
D. Orr
daliacoachesparents.com
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G.T.
answers from
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I agree with the previous post.
If you feel tired and are too busy to chase her around for several days and do the laundry, just wait a little more.
Potty training takes time, attention, patience and with a newborn at home, you may not have these luxuries in stock right now.
If what she wants is attention, try to give her as much as you can.
If you decide to train her, switch your behavior so she gets attention when she does well. Show her that accidents don't give her any attention and that potty gives her LOTS of attention. Ignore the accidents. I know it's easier said than done when you are about to clean your tenth urine spot on the floor and change the tenth underwear of the day! (which is why I would advise to wait for a time when you are well-rested and less stressed). Just clean the accidents without mentioning anything (or showing on your face). Give lots of praise for potty time. With my son, we created a potty dance. It sounds crazy but it worked.
I would try to give her attention outside of the potty issue. Try to engage her in your everyday routine. She can, for example, give you the diapers when you change the baby, put the soil ones in the pail, help you with the dishes, putting the table... She will be so happy to just be with you and do something with you and being praised for her help that she will not need to grab your attention with accidents.
My son and daughter are 23 months apart. I never secluded myself in the nursery for the breastfeeding sessions. I used these special times to cuddle with both kids and for story time. It became a special time for my son as I was reading to him and he had my attention. If you can do the same (if you have trouble with the breastfeeding, it may not be an option), you could choose books about potty.
Whatever you choose, remember that it's only a question of time. It seems that it will last forever, but it won't
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S.L.
answers from
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Just let it be. Put potty training on the back burner. Why be in such a hurry? If she's using the toilet at school, fine. I'm sure they prefer it. But if it's become a battle at home, why make life hard on everyone? Is this battle over using the potty really easier than just changing her diaper? Changing a diaper takes 5 minutes; battling with your toddler and cleaning up a mess and changing her clothes several times a day takes a lot longer, and it is costing you emotionally as well.
I was in nursing school when everyone started telling me my DD was ready. Well, guess what? I wasn't. I was stressed and tired and my schedule was crazy between classes and working at the hospital and studying. I put it off until I was better able to focus on it: after I graduated and after I studying for and passed my boards. For me, I'd rather change a diaper, which takes no time at all and no brain power, which I had little of anyway at the time. By the time I was ready, DD was three and I told her, "Hey, let's go without diapers now, OK?" She said OK and had one accident that day, and only three the whole next week. She's been fine ever since. People place too much emphasis on potty training by a certain date. Why? Like my MIL said, "When she's president of her company or of the United States, who's going to care when she went potty by herself?" Give yourself a break, and give your daughter a break. Just wait until YOU feel ready to tackle potty training...Good luck
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R.C.
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Los Angeles
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Just give it up. Put her in pull ups. When you have the energy and can manage get her to go on the potty, like first thing in the morning. Keep encouraging her but don't stress over it. Let them continue with the routine at school if it's successful there...totally different environment. I'll tell you this, as a mother of 4, she's going to get tired of it and she's going to make a decision to wear underwear. I promise you she will choose to potty eventually. Give yourself a break with a new born, wait a little bit and revisit it when you're able.
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J.O.
answers from
Chicago
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We just went through a very similar situation with our 3 year old. He was in day care 3 days and did fairly well there with going to the potty. At home, he refused, pitched fits, wet his underpants, peed on the floor and furniture (I got plastic pants to go over his underpants to take care of that!) and I was frustrated. I gave it up, put him in pullups and asked him to tell me when he wanted to use his big boy pants again. Recently, after 2 months of pull-ups, he wanted to wear underpants again and it was a totally different situation. He tells me when he has to go or goes willingly when I remind him and has an accident only about every 5 days. I would wait and try again...if it's a battle, you won't win. They do it when they're ready and it's a much more positive experience. Who cares if they're trained at 2 1/2, 3, 3 1/2 or even older? Good luck, it'll happen--don't stress over it.
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C.C.
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Instead of consequences, set up a reward system. Every time she is successful she gets 5 minutes of your time, reading, playing a game. Or she gets a nickel or penny to put in her bank, or maybe the park. Something that your daughter finds valuable. A trip to the zoo or another activity that she would like to do when lets say she has 3-5 days, or a week of success.
Try every 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours, that may be helpful. Have her put her dirty clothes in the hamper when she needs to change. Possibly even have her put them in the washing machine or near it.
At some point she will find it's easier to stay dry, and use the bathroom, it's not unusual for these little ones to be three when this happens.
Praise her when she is successful and try not to react at all when she is not, she is looking for attention. It seems from your note, that she gets more when she is unsuccessful.
Good luck, from a pediatric nurse
H
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K.V.
answers from
San Francisco
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Sounds like this has turned into the battle of all battles & this is not what you want for potty training. I agree w/Geraldine, when she does have an accident, ignore it. Just clean it up quietly but when she goes on the potty, make a huge deal out of it; call Daddy art work, call grandparents.
But, truly, it sounds like she really wants your attention & has figured out how to do it in a negative way which is not a cycle you want to start. You may want to ease up on the potty training & focus on getting used to parenting 2 small children. For now, you may want to try to spend more time w/her. Maybe when the baby is sleeping, you 2 can do something together; read a book, do an activity or a puzzle. You'd be surprised how even just one story together will make a difference. Have her help you change the baby by giving you the wipes or maybe get her her own baby to take care & feed while you're nursing the baby. Best of luck!
