Post Partum Relationship with SO

Wow let me say dajvue. I ended up staying and marring the guy who is acting just as you stated. That was one of the worse things I could have ever done. I should have left when I felt just as you are right now when my youngest son was 3 months old. It took me 6 years to leave and it was the best thing I ever did. If you want this to work you need outside help a relationship therapist or something along those lines. Melissa please becareful it took me over a year to get myself back from a deep depression. I was so depressed from trying to make things work while he just did as he pleased and had fun. I moved in with my mother went back to school that was almost 5 years ago. I now have my own home, 2 college degrees and working on a 3rd. I love life again well somedays like everyone else I have my days.

I have a 3.5 yr. old and a 6 month old. My current husband and I went through a sexual/marital low postpartum. You said that it's been since you were pregnant, so I'm a little confused. Anyway, my first marriage was a disaster- I was married to a real jerk, abusive too-the problem with leaving him? I was absolutely in love with him and at the time, my oldest was about 3 months. Also, I had this perfect little boy with him, and I was really, really fat at the time, too. I had no job, but he wouldn't give me a dime for a teething ring, even though he had plenty to give. Nonetheless(and here's my point) I finally got to the point when I said to myself "Living with him is more painful than dealing with losing him". He had a girlfriend, too, so I told him to get gone. I think every person in a bad relationship will get to that point if nothing gets better, I can tell you being alone was a little painful, but that I had many of the best times of my life, just me and my little man, and around the time I wasn't still hurting so, and I had my own good things going on, I met who I was really intended to be with-my husband today. So, all I can suggest is that if he's not abusing you or the kids, and you are still getting something out of having him with you, then hang on. Everything will probably follow the course it's supposed to. When you feel yourself fantasizing about how to get away with killing him, then you should go, because holding in all that anger can take a toll on one's health. Just remember that we can not love someone into loving us how we want or treating us right, and that all of us are always much stronger than we imagine.

If you never let go of a bad relationship, how can you expect to find a good one? Also, while it is hard to be on your own, think of how your children will see your relationship... do you really want them to think it's ok to "settle" or do you want them to search for a loving and fulfilling relationship for themselves? My dad was married and divorced several times when I was growing up, and while that was hard, I think it would have been worse if he had stayed married in an unhappy relationship. While you obviously don't want to be jumping from man to man, I DO think you should try to find someone who will value and love you as much as you value and love them. There is probably a lot more to the relationship than you can put down in writing... but that is just my 2cents. :) Good luck with whatever you decide!

Edit~If it's only been like this postpartum, I would try to give it a chance... but the family gatherings and birthday/christmas situation throws me a bit...

Having a child together is a lot of stress. Some men react differently. There's a baby that needs your full attention now. You are not taking care of your boyfriend or giving him the same amount of attention anymore and it's not your fault. My husband and I were married 5 yrs, yet after our child was born, he totally ignored the both of us for 2 yrs. It wasn't until we went to so a psychologist together that we were able to figure things out. It's been 2 yrs and we're still ironing out things. I would suggest for the both of you to talk to a professional. This is important enough for the both of you and your child to make this a priority and do it properly instead of getting advice from friends or family. And believe me, it is worth it. For the longest time, I thought we were done. But we are working things out only because we are working very hard to be a couple again.

Hi Melissa,

UPDATE! Melissa, I'm sure you do feel very low right now. It sounds just awful, so first of all, know that I'm sending you a huge, warm, wrap around you Mama hug! You do not deserve to be treated like this, and I hope you have some good supportive friends nearby to talk to and to feed you chocolate or whatever will help.
THEN, Hon, and this is important, PLEASE think about what you said about how he "took the baby". A 12 week old baby is not old enough to just be taken away from Mama! I don't know if you are nursing--doesn't sound like you are--but that does not change things. If he left with your baby, without any of the normal things the two of you use to take care of the baby, and if you don't go after him (your child) right now, you may just be looking at the beginning of a very nasty custody battle. I strongly suggest you find someone to care for your other kids for a few days while you get yourself to his mothers home right away and find out what's going on with your child. Bring the diapers, clothing, bottles, all that stuff, and use that as your excuse for showing up. He's YOUR SON!!! And if you allow him to simply take off without the equipment, as cruel as it is, your boyfriend and his mom sound like the type who might have a lawyer turn that against you by claiming you are "not a good mother" since you allowed him to do it. So don't. Either get your child and leave, or get your child and stay, but go get your child!

So, doing the math, you have been with him 2 years. Your pregnancy combined with your son's age gives 1 year of that time, half of it, that you have been absorbed in having a baby together and also that you have not had sex, he has been distant with you, and he has not honored special days with you or your other children.

What was it like with him before? Was it wonderful enough to balance out what it is now? Did your older kids like him? Did he like them? Is all this seeming like it is related to your pregnancy and birth of your (his) son? How does he relate to that little boy?

I know just how terrible it can be to imagine feeling alone, and I know how big a deal it is to have someone--even if the love doesn't feel as hot as it was--who is just there with you, helping, working, even just being in the house when something wonderful and funny happens with the kids. But is it enough? Really? Was it enough that if you had back the relationship prior to your pregnancy, you would be happy enough to continue?

I hope you will see a counselor--and I hope he will go with you.

I appreciate your situation and it sounds like you are really trying to put your child #1, where he (they all) should be. Kudos! If you think this relationship has something to salvage, I would suggest the two of you talking to a professional to get back on the right path. Having said that, he doesn't sound that nice to me. And I know your son is super little right now and I don't know how old the other kids are but you are teaching them that THIS type of relationship is OK by staying & sucking it up the way it is. If one of your other children (20 years from now) was in this exact relationship, would you be pleased or begging & pleading for them to end it and move on? Based on the tone of your question though, I'd guess you would want them out and to find someone that wants to be with them, is proud of them and makes them as happy as they deserve. Just like you do. Good luck sweetie. Please continue using this site for support! It's a wonderful group of women (and a few men)!

Sounds like it is time for some brutal honesty between the two of you. That's a tough one for sure. Going to his mom's could be a step in the right direction as far as showing him you care, if you in fact do care about salvaging or rekindling your relationship. Not going just because he doesn't go to your family things might appear to be petty. On the other hand...no birthday wishes, Christmas gifts etc, no attention...physical or otherwise is a big red flag. Especially the no sex thing...that's a long time for anyone in a relationship. This could be really "out there" but is there someone else in his life? Might he be gay? YIKES!? I think you are right to be concerned. It depends on what you both want from eachother and how your life together is working. What about the father of your other two children? How doe he play into this? For your little ones' sake, I hope you two can figure it out soon. All the best to you!

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Well it sounds typical. But that doesn't mean it's a good thing. At least try to sit down and discuss it to get as much a more accurate idea. Maybe it's just a phase he's going through with being a new father. Women go through post partum stuff. Or maybe he's mentally moved on, which would stink. And show what a responsible type he really is.
You're under no obligations to go out to his mom's. If that's what not going will do, so be it. What would going accomplish?
Ask yourself if this is the type of person you really want to be shackled to and as a role model for your son.
He is hiding his feelings and not being honest. How is he as a father? Does he put time into being a dad or is that "the woman's job"? OH, so his MOM voted they not get married. And how is this her business? This is between you two.
Ditch him. He's immature, dishonest, and you will be far better off without him. It'll be rough. But rougher than trying to make things work?