Getting Along as New Parents

First of all -he doesn't get to call all of the shots! If he wants you to be a "50s housewife" has he put a diamond on your finger? Has he proposed? I'm not one who believes everyone has to get married, but he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too. If you want to go back to work -GO! I stayed at home (in a very different situation, and it was my choice) for 4 years, and I wish I had returned to work sooner. I've been so much happier since I did.

As far as he's concerned -it gets easier as the baby gets older and sleeps through the night. You should explain to him that you don't want to stay home, and since this is the 21st century, you can do whatever you want. If he's so gung-ho for someone to be home, tell him to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad. Many are these days! Bottom line -if he's not going to respect you and your new baby, then he can be in a situation where he has visitation!

Its not easy taking care of a 2 month old but things will start getting easier as she gets older. I think the 1st year is the hardest and then it starts to get a little bit better. I think you both need some time away from the baby like a date night and just talk especially if the grandparents are willing to babysit. Throw everything on the table and don't be afraid to let him know how you feel. I think you should get out once a month or request a night off each week where you don't cook, clean or take care of the baby. I made my husband give me Thursdays off. He didn't want to but I made him. he would have his hobbys 2-3 times per week and he helped make the baby so he should help raise him. My girlfriends and I when our kids were younger would do girls night every Friday and we would allow kids to come because of sitter issues for single moms and husbands weren't always available to babysit. We would play games, talk and have snacks. Some of us would take turns hosting. Now that our kids are older we do once per month girls dinners and 2 of us rotate as hosts and have everyone else bring sides or drinks. We also go out of town 1x per year in June for girls trip on a long weekend to get away from the fam. Forget the house work your little one is more important. They grow up really fast so enjoy every moment now.

This happen to me and my husband with our first too. Because he's not at home all day he can't comprehend that your child comes first then cleaning the house.

Babies are a lot of work and having postpartum depression is no joke. I had it too and I went to a counselor to get some help with it. You need to educate your boyfriend on the serious effects of postpartum depression. It took my husband finding me crying in our room by myself to realize there was something wrong. My husband eventually got counseling too and it has helped us out tremendously.

He's tired and frustrated just like you are, but calling you a bad mother is a slap in the face. You need to talk to him, while biting your tongue as much as you can talking calmly, and let him know how you feel and also ask him how he's feeling.

Figure out childcare and go back to work. It was when I went back to work that I got postpartum, but maybe it's what you need to pick you up. If your boyfriend's not willing to change... well then good thing he's your boyfriend, no need for divorce papers. It shouldn't come down to that because as babies get older, they become a lot easier to take care of. You'll begin to feel like you have time for yourself and each other again. Also, Date Nights are a must!!!

Best of luck to you and if you need someone to talk to, I'm here!

I'm really hoping I'm way off base here... Did you and BF decide to have a child togehter (before you got pregnant) and decide to do this without being married? It sounds like he is not ready to make that committment.

As far as the communication issues, if this is something that is just recent, I would say your both stressed. If it's on going, then you'll probably want to look into some couples counceling to help you work through this difficult time.

I agree w/ you that it is not easy to raise a LO and there are so many changes that even the best realtionship will have more fights than usual. I never fought w/ my hubbie, until we had the LO, then I felt just like you too tired and took everything out on him. I will say that as your LO gets older it does get a bit easier and you life will get a bit more back on track and you will fight less. I suggest that you do take time for your self as a couple to just talk and relax if you can. you said the grandparents could watch the LO so let them and have a date night. Do something active to get out a bit of that agression lol that might help. you should also talk to him and tell him how you really feel, w/o the LO around as you dont want him to see you fight! It is hard when the two of you have different ideas as to how it will be and you need to sit down, talk and work out some kind of situation that works for all of you. I am a SAHM (stay at home mom) and it is not for everyone, I know not everyone could stay home so I would not expect everyone to do it and you need to tell him nicely how it feels to be home all the time at 'work' 14 hours a day and he is also tired from work too so you need to work out somethign that works for all of you. my hubbie and i rotate nights that we care for her (bath, bed) so one of us gets a night off if you will. I also am sure to go out w/ other moms once a month so that we can talk and bond and girl time is important. hope this helps, hang in there it gets easier.

Well, sounds like you know what you are doing wrong, so I'd start with yourself. You can't change him, but more than likely, he'll change if you do too.

Not sure why you think a stay at home mom is a fifties thing, I call it responsible. After all, the grandparents weren't the ones who chose to have a baby, you did.

Having a child takes things to an entirely different level, as you know. Especially during those first few sleep-deprived months, it can be tough to cope. First, I have never wanted to be a stay-at-home Mom; there is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you are trying to pawn your child off on other people or you love them less; it involves a choice, like all things. I mean, you wouldn't say that a mother who sent their child off to school, rather than home schooling, loved her child less because she chose to put the child's education in someone else's hands, would you? Everyone is entitled to their opinion, including you, but there is no one right answer, because we live in a wonderfully diverse world.

Have you been diagnosed with post-partum depression, or do you just eel like you have it? If you haven't already, please see a mental health professional to discuss this. If your boyfriend will go with you, even just to support you, it might allow you two the opportunity (if he feels comfortable, though it may take some time) to discuss that communication issues you are both having.

Having a new baby in the house can be tough, and I think every mother feels like they know more about the proper care of their child than anyone else. Your boyfriend may be feeling insecure and unattached at this point. It can take men longer to bond with a baby, and that is okay. Encouragement, rather than nagging, can be a powerful tool in fostering the development of that new relationship. If you are unsure, then consider your relationship with your boyfriend prior to the birth of your child; how were things then? Strong commitment? Open communication? Mutual respect? Loving relationship overall? If yes, then a lot of this could be due to the new stress. Also, does he say verbatim that the house is filthy and you are a bad mother, or is there a possibility that you are tired and maybe a little extra sensitive due to post-partum changes? I do feel that it is unacceptable if he is actually saying these things to you, but I do feel that the changes and challenges that men face as new fathers isn't always considered.

Keep your head up, and work on developing a routine (not a schedule) for you and baby. You are probably pretty close to the home-stretch when sleep becomes a more normal part of your life again. You are a mother; there is nothing you cannot do if you put your mind to it.

It is understandable that your other half doesn't see your daughter basically at all. You would think that he would be more than positive to spend what little time he has with her. Just watch how you ask him though, its almost like your giving him an ultamatum and thats' not good. No doubt you are done in by the end of the day especially with a little one so young and still waking through the nights feeding her.
I think he wants you to stay at home because maybe thats' the way he was raised or wasn't and he didn't like to be taken to a sitter away from his mom. Its great that at least you have grandparents to watch her while you are at work which is great, but do they really want the responsibility everyday? You have to ask yourself that question.
I think you should talk with your family physician about your post partum, maybe he can give you something to uplift your spirits and you yourself will feel so much better. You have been in now for 2mos. and maybe its time for some "me time" as I call it. Just yourself and not with the little one. Visit an old friend, go out for coffee whatever.
As for your housework, there is nothing worse when your down and out yourself. Yes you can look at whatever is piling up but do you care "no".
Its not going to go away, it will still be there looking at you the next day unfortunately. Again if you have someone to take the little one for a couple of hrs. per wk. you may find that you want to get this and that done but it is so very hard with a little one. Just as you start to do something, ooops you hear her crying.
I am a mother of 3 children (now grown) however I didn't want to stay at home either. I went back to work with my first one, once I had the second I thought okay I want to work but not full time. I took up School Bus driving and it worked out great for me. I could take the kids on the bus run with me, drop them off at school and then have the youngest at home throughout the day. He was then 18mos.old. This made me happy knowing I was getting out of the house and when my run was over for the morning I would then start my housecleaning. I think all of us who have worked full time, we had relationships with our female friends at work etc. and now all of a sudden its gone. I think this is where you are running into a problem and thats why I suggest that perhaps the grandparents could babysit for you a couple days of the wk. for a few hours, giving you the "me time" that is so important to anyone. I wish you well and hope things work out for you. Again make sure you speak with your Physician about your post-partum just to give you a little jump start. Argueing only brings you down and makes you feel less of a person, this is very unfair of your other half to even suggest that your lazy and being a bad mother. Perhaps ask him to trade roles' and see what he says. That would be a whole new ball game, don't go there though it will only cause another arguement!!

First, congratulations on your new daughter! It WILL get better soon. All the energy you're giving your baby with feedings and small sleeping times would make anyone post-partum-ish.

With my first, very much overwhelmed and "drowning", but with my second just getting out of the house 1x a day worked wonders for my mood and good endorphins -- walk, sit outside, take a car ride, even just sitting on the ground in the yard for 15 was great and I didn't feel alone and isolated.

Boyfriend might be feeling left out of bonding with baby -- 9 mos in and now years out:) Maybe he can help you with bath time, cuddle baby while you do something, ask because he (as most men) just don't know what to do with themselves:) Everyone needs different things, and there's lots of good relationship advice online. I am working on this with my husband, when I would just rather dig a hole:)

Perhaps you can stay at home a month or 2 more, then work with your parents on an arrangement that you both can appreciate. Maternity leave, for me 12 weeks, was great, and within 8-12 weeks, finally got a routine and found it hard to go back but necessary and needed for money and my self-esteem. I pumped while at work, and could give my 2 what only I could give, and let the "village" help with the rest:)

Take care, and good luck with your new joy!

It is no picnic staying home with a baby, that's for sure! I worked for nearly 20 years professionally before I had my son at 39. I thought: "How hard could this be?" right? WRONG. Not only is it the hardest job I;ve ever done but it is the most thankless.
I think I wanted to badly hurt my husband at least once per week those first few months--LOL A new baby is SOOOO stressful. It gets better as you both develop more confidence in being parents.
Being a SAHM may or may not be the life for you. Think about what you want. For me, a good balance is working PT. Also, just ebcause you are "at home" and take care of the baby, cook and clean...you don't have to be a fifties type housewife! LOL You can be the type of SAHM YOU want to be...be it exposing your baby to art, music, community service, whatever! Don't feel pegged into a hole--you're still YOU. Enjoy your baby and good luck!