Possible Affair??

I have no experience with this, but if I were in your shoes, I'd show him the letter and just take it from there. By doing that, you aren't accusing him of anything, you're just being honest. I suspect his reaction will tell whether or not there is any merit to the letter. It is always possible the person who sent the letter perceived wrongly... Or she's a crazy person... I'd be unnerved to receive a letter like that, but I'd show it to my hubby before I let my thoughts run rampant. I'd also pray about it bigtime before showing him the letter--as in, Lord, please give me the right words to say and let us be able to discuss this openly, honestly, calmly, and with love and respect for each other. I'd say something like this when showing it to him, "I got something kinda bizarre in the mail and in the interest of full disclosure, I thought you should see it.".

I used to think that if a guy cheated on me - phhhpht - he was gone; but as I have grown older, I have begun to assess things a bit differently. So.....
I am perhaps going to come at this from a different angle than some others; but there are some questions you need to ask yourself right off the bat - because those answers might determine what you do.
1) If the worse comes true and he is having an affair - what will you do? Will you divorce him? Will you try to work it out and put it behind you and forgive him (not forget it, but forgive)? {You have 8 years invested in this marriage - do you think that you 2 can work things out and stay married)?
2) Do you think the person who wrote the letter is legitimate? What motives could they have had?
3) You say he lost his job - is he working now? The loss of a job is really traumatic for a guy.
4) Babies often cause problems - but if you want, YOU can straighten it out. Is there someone with whom you can leave the baby for a Parent's night out? Go to dinner, take in a movie, a walk - just you and him? Date night (and sex) are very important parts of marriage - sometimes you have to work to get the spark back.
In other words, how badly do you want to know? It is not going to do your marriage any good if you are always wondering if he is cheating. He may be a salesman; but what it comes down to for both of you is what do YOU BOTH want? The only way to assess that is to honestly talk with him. Be ready not to play the "how could you do this to me?" pearl and assess it as I have some things that I am to blame for and you do also. Couples counseling is a must. I would leave the PI alone.
In the end, what you do is in direct correlation to what you really want.
I have seen marriages fall apart after an affair - I have seen one woman who committed suicide, leaving 2 little children and a husband, because she couldn't deal with the stigma of a cheating spouse - and I have seen marriages that survived for a long time until one of the partners died (til death do us part. All of them decided what the marriage was worth, what they could rise above and how much work it was to keep it together. No one can make this decision for you; and it is no good to tie yourself in knots. Face it head on. God Bless.

First of all I am sending you strength and good thoughts. I wish I could give you a big 'ol hug. Is there anyone that can give you a big hug?

I am sure you are using your heart and mind to figure this out, but the answer is being held by your husband. You do have some choices. You are the only one that knows what will help you and your husband.

These are not in any order.
You could show him the letter and hear his response and work from there.

You could just have a heart to heart and say you know things have not been the same since the 2 year old arrived and how you feel about it and ask how he feels about it.

You could tell him you are feeling like you two need to go to counseling, because you are not feeling secure in your relationship and are feeling like you two need to have a reconnection.

You could ask him if there is something going on cause he seems distracted.

You could out and out just ask him if he is having an affair.

Stay calm, maybe write down your questions, concerns and all of your feelings, good, bad, guilt, whatever so you can, but stay focused.

This is a turning point for both of you. Marriage is so hard and complex. It is also very personal because no 2 marriages are the same. It takes energy every day and many times, we as wives/moms, just do not have it, cause we do not always get it back. You need to find your strength and energy. Do whatever it takes so that you can can continue to be your best. Ask for whatever it is you need. Ask for the truth.

M.,
Do whichever you think works with the relationship you have had with him. Previous posters have given you lots of good options. I favor the "show him the letter" over the PI. My first thought is that someone who was rejected by him is getting even.
I am writing to remind you that IF you discover that he has been unfaithful, to be sure that he is checked for any STDs prior to the resumption of relations. There doesn't need to be another victim here.
The risk alone would preclude me from waiting to find out. I would absolutely have to know prior to any romantic interludes.
Good luck, this is really hard.

K.

I wouldn't suggest "confronting" him, but I would suggest talking to him. The conversation might even have to be in parts (if he is like most guys and will only "talk" in little bursts).

Tell him your concerns and ask him his. . . if you feel he is "overcoming objections" then mention your suspicions. . . if you still think he is back pedeling or worse if he gets defensive, then simply ask him why someone would write you this letter (show him a copy - keep the original safe incase you need it later on).

If you want to forgive and get over it, then tell him that you are concerned that not only were/are suspicious, but his behavior made someone else think something was going on.
If you just don't think that you will be able to forgive and trust again, tell him that. If he is innocent, he will fight for you and his child, if not. . .

The important part is that you have to decide if you want to beleive and trust in him again . . whether he did anything or not . . and then go with your gut.

Sorry you (or anyone) has to go through this type of garbage!

interestingly your two previous posts are polar opposite response...

My "two cents"... you need to stop and think about what is real to you. Prior to this, did you have any reason to think your husband was hiding somethng from you? Did he give you any reason to doubt his fidelity (other than your insecurities, did HE do anything to elicit this?), Are you two pretty open and able to discuss marital issues (i.e. nto a lot of sex recently how do each of you feel about that; his being let go, how do each of you feel about how this has impacted your lives and your marriage...etc.)?

If you feel pretty comfortable that he has been on the up and up until you received the letter to make you second guess your feelings and thoughts. Then just take the letter to him and ask him who he thinks would want to hurt you and/or break up your marriage with this cruel letter.

IF you are not comfortable with how you marriage has been fairing for some time, WITHOUT the presence of this letter, then hire a private investigator as your husband has been getting away with this for some time and you need real answers not diversionary tactics and subterfuge...

Either way, I am sorry that this doubt and hardship has been placed in your life and I sincerely hope it is someone who feels the need to be malicious for no apparent reason and not your husband cheating on you.

Good Luck!!! ;-)

I was in Sam's Wholesale Club the other day and they have a GPS tracker for $79. It is really neat. You can put the device under the seat or somewhere in the vehicle that your husband will not notice and it will track his cars every movement on your home computer and you can log it all and follow up on the addresses. Another thing is to catch one of the ladies that use to work with him at the place he was fired from. Choose someone that he was less likely to be fooling around with and ask to take them to lunch. Office gossip is well known and they should be assured that what they tell you is confidential and this way you at least have a name of the woman and can get an idea of who she is. My only other and most important suggestion is to stay clear of your hubby sexually until you make sure. Men get with other woman and once they are comfortable they forget to wear protection and you do not want to catch a STD. Once you find out, take your time. Don't just jump to conclusions. Put a little bill money aside for yourself, run up some credit cards, plan your future. Then take his behind for everything he has because once a cheater, always a cheater. Your life deserves better. God bless.

Private Investigators are a waste of money especially if the affair is already over. He is your husband, just ask him. This is the one person that you are suppose to be closest to above all others besides God. You need to just be honest and show him the letter and ask him "What's up". There is no reason why you should be up worried in the middle of the night losing precious sleep when you can easily solve the problem.

Get to the point. Dont think about it. Dont "plan" it out. You've been married to this person for 8 years and youre acting like you met him yesterday. Look him in the eye, ask your questions and then move on from there.
Sheesh...doesnt anyone TALK anymore!?!
If I receieved some strange letter in the mail...I would be on the cell phone before I walked from the mailbox to the house!!!
You are stronger than you think....go with your gut....

Margaret

P.S. I cant help but read that you say that he is an "amazing father & husband"...if that is so, what do you have to worry about?

M.,

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Based on what you said in your email...it seems obvious that he had some type of relationship with this woman who sent you the letter...and that it is very possible that it is the reason he lost his job.

I would strongly suggest you confront your husband. However, you may want to first seriously consider what you want the outcome to be, when you do confront him (marital counseling if you plan to stay together, or a separation for a while to sort through your thoughts and feelings before considering counseling or divorce).

Then, I would suggest catching him at a time when he is in a “good” mood, or at least when there is no obvious tension in the air. And, tell him, “I have been contacted by a women with whom you have had an affair, and I am very hurt by it. Please let me know if you are planning to continue seeing her and if you love her, or if he still loves and wants to be committed to you only… (or whatever you want to know). Be brief and to the point, and stay as calm and sincere, as possible. Then, let him talk.

Based on his response, you may change what you want the outcome to be, whether or not he denies it and/or becomes angry. Regardless, if you are confused and too emotional by the whole confrontation, just calmly tell him you both need some time to sort out your thoughts…and figure out want he truly wants(if he hasn’t answered any of your questions above). You may go to a friend or family’s home for the weekend, or, suggest that he does…

I wish you the best of luck.

Feel free to email/call me if you need a neutral person to confide in.

Krystie

I certainly believe in talking things out, so going straight to your hubby and getting it all out and hopefully he will want to save what he has and you are able to forgive and go forward. Reality , well some of your trust will be gone and take a long time to recapture but it sounds like there is alot to save here, so be honest and get it out and good luck! Iam not talking to just be talking, I have been there and it is a long road but if it is worth saving and going forward then please do it....

I would definitely ask him about it before hiring a private detective. I actually had something very similar happen about a year ago, an anonymous letter sent to my work. It turned out to be from an employee who was angry at my husand and had been fired because she was caught stealing from the company they worked for. I am glad I asked him about it because I was able to see and hear his reaction and it showed him that I did trust him but I was not going to allow this if it were true. I pray it isn't true for you!

I am sorry you are having to experience such turmoil in your marriage. There appear to be many issues in your relationship, and if there is an affair, it is only a symptom of a bigger problem. Find a recommendation for a reputable marriage therapist. If you cannot afford one, contact the United Way for recommendations of counseling agencies. If your husband refuses to go, then go alone. Whatever is going on in your marriage needs some intervention, and simply finding out if your husband is being unfaithful will not resolve the bigger problems Find support and trust yourself.

Hi M.,
I am sooo sorry for what you are feeling right now. I went through a similiar situation years ago. I found a letter from the female to my husband, don't know if they were having an affair but they obviously had an emotional connection which hurt me non-the-less.

My suggestion would be to confront him. Yes, I know he is a saleman but you are adults. If he denies it, at least it is out in the open. If he did this, it will come to light. Although we want to think our husband could never do this or can't find the time. It does happen. I pray for you in this situation. You are welcome to email me if you want to ____@____.com

I haven't read the other responses, but check the phone record for any numbers that look suspicious and check his spending. My friend figured out her hubby was cheating because he went from spending $5 at Starbucks to $10 and his lunch tabs were doubling as well. If something looks suspicious, then confront him with that as well as the letter. He might be waiting to be discovered so he can put an end to affair. He is your husband, don't be too quick to kick him out or what ever. Listen to what he has to say. Then make you expectations know, such as we need counseling, go to church together, etc etc. Good luck.

hiring a private investigator when your hubby is out of a job dose not seem like a wise thing to do if money is tight. i would laugh it off to your husband and feel out his reaction. i totally would tell him about it. but i dont keep secrets from my husband. most likely it is someone trying to stir the pot. if you dont think your husband would be the type ( look up the type that cheat) then trust your gut and tell your husband it freaked you out at first but you know better. it could be some pissy girl that wanted to have a relationship and your husband blew her off. you never know. also after having a baby if your husband saw her being delivered it might have freaked him out a little. it did my husband , i mean he was amazed but at the same time it totally werirded him out sexually.

If you do hire a PI and its true (which I think is a waste of money), or even if he admits it, or later down the road you find it to be true - THEN WHAT? What are you going to do? I know it hurts, been there done that. Yes, the letter MAY have smoke to it but are you ready to put out the flame or feed the fire? I am giving you these questions because I do not know what to tell you to do, all I know is keep yourself safe, physically, and turn your energy to your children. And whatever you do put God first.

I would keep aware of how he is acting.My ex did not want to talk to me and denied something was going on.I too thought he would not do something like this.After about a month or so,he said he did not want to be married anymore.I could just feel this was going to happen,but by that time I knew I did not want to be with him if he did not want me.My kids were 5 and 7 at the time.And I was 37 yrs old.Yes,I did not want to be single and I had a fear,I guess as to how I was going to be a single mom.I had to look for work.But looking back now,I see what kind of a person he really was,and I am glad I did not stay.I did not want to ever marry again.But after about a year,I met someone else who was the complete opposite and he helped me with my children too.Of course,pray about it and if this really is going on,rely onGod and relatives or friends for support.I think this happens alot,but in my case,it was better for me.

I am really sorry that you are going through this, whatever the outcome. I have always been a firm believer that if you have to hire a PI there is a problem that you need to deal with. Are you willing and able to leave if he is...if not what's the point, if so then you can probably gather your own information. Make whatever preparations you need to before he gets wind of your plans. Again, I am really sorry.

M.

Did your sales job ever get in the way of sex before? Did being tired? If ya'll aren't sleeping togethe then he's sleepin with someone.

M.,
This is so sad. You seem like you feel this is true. This happened to me and I still can't believe it. He and I were sooo in love and he never had the time, nor was he a cheater. But...
Anyway, it's takes some time for your heart to catch up with what you already know. I can't imagine someone going through all that trouble if it weren't so. I think your friend is right. If you can afford an P.I. then get one so you have proof when you confront him.
OR, and this would be powerful if he is in fact having an affair. You should just lock him out without prior warning. When he asks why, simply tell him about the letter and say that you feel enough has happened to confirm this - so it's over! This will make him think and it will give him pain, which is the only thing that will make him change. If it IS true, then he will eventually break and you'll know where you stand. If it's NOT true, then he needs to produce the evidence to prove his inocence and he will continue proving himself for a long time.
I asked my husband for a solid year, never kicked him out, but knew that it was going on - my gut told me. Intuition was a gift from God to women so that we'd know. When he finally confessed, he blamed it on me and said that I knew it all along, so why was I upset? Don't let your situation get there. Nip it now!!!! It's so hard, I know. It's so hard.
God bless and I'll be praying for you and your family.
D.

Hire the PI. Bring him down smart.

Hey M....

First thing to do: Figure out what you want to do. Do you want to divorce him? Do you want to bring it out in the open and work through it? Do you want to drop loud comments that you feel distance between each other and then overtake his bandwidth with marriage counseling, dates, intimate time?

I have a friend who once said that if her husband was cheating, she would not want to know; she likes her bubble. I have another friend who's perspective is to leave the f'er in the dust.

I guess what I'm saying is that, you've gotten a lot of advice.... no doubt some messages will fire you up. But you need determine what course is right for you. What actions will allow you the least amount of lifelong bitterness. Save the letter; put it in the bottom of your sock drawer--you might need it for divorce court... No snap decisions. Figure out your household finances, what bills would be split, where are your assets; figure out, if you were going to hire a divorce attorney, who it would be, how much will it cost.

Prepare your army before you march.

M., First of all let me tell you how bad I feel for you. I have been in your shoes not once but several times with my new ex and it hurts beyond beleif.

I want to first give you a website to go to that is free & has tons of information to help you www.marriagebuilders.com

Read all of the information there that you can and reach out to the others that have also been in your shoes.

It's time that you did some investigating of your own. Check phone records, Emails, & around your home. You don't have any solid evidence to approach your husband and if you do at this time he will deny it, which is normal. All you have is an annonymous letter and your gut feeling.

Do you think there is still something going on? If yes go to Radio Shack & get a key logger for your computer. You will be amazed at what information you will get from that.

I know all of this is overwhelming for you & I know how hard it is. Marriages after infedelity can survive but that is your choice if that is what is going on. Just for the record, I hope it isn't but it sounds suspicous.

Please reach out to me if I can help in anyway & I wish you nothing but the best.

I don't know what I would do in your position, because I haven't been there. But it sounds like you want to save the marriage, even if he did cheat. If that is the case, don't get a PI, just be straightforward and ask him. Then tell him you got an anonymous letter and ask him if that's his final answer.

I would only get a PI if you're prepared to get divorced. If he didn't cheat, and there's just some evil nasty person trying to ruin his life (don't forget there's like one in every office), and you have him followed by a PI, he could view that as a betrayal many different levels, and it could be very poisonous to the marriage.

Those are my two cents. I would ask him sooner rather than later, so that you may hopefully get some sleep in the near future.

I hope it was just a mean nasty random letter. Hang in there.