Positive Discipline.... HOW Do I Do This?

What works for me is discussing expectations before hand. For example, you're going out to eat, you might say that you expect your child to use good manners and behave themselves. Discuss what proper restaurant behavior is (no running or yelling, saying please and thank you, speaking clearly, etc). This conversation takes place in the car on the way to the restaurant so it's fresh in their minds.

You set limits and the discipline is appropriate to the behavior. Acting out at school? Go to bed earlier. Getting cranky about video games or computer? Can't use it for 24 hours. Leaves a mess? Cleans it up. Is sassy or talks back? They can write an apology or an essay about how to be respectful.

I think it's important to keep the lines of communication open with your kids. You need to tell them what you expect - more than once. You need to tell them to make better choices and what the better choice is.

I'm not sure about what you refer, but I've used Love and Logic, which focuses on natural consequences and making good choices. It works well for our son, but he is naturally a logical thinker so his brain already went this way. He works best when he knows the "why" behind the rule, plus, to me it makes sense to tell the kid why (if you have time and danger isn't involved) so they really understand why they should or shouldn't do something. I get "because I said so" and I use it WITH the reason, because I am the mom, but my kid needs to know how the world works also.

Good luck!

I try very hard to set expectations, remind them of expectations and give warnings. Reminding them of the expectations going into a situation is definitely more effective than getting upset or using consequences when they fail to behave appropriately. But I'm only humann, and I don't always remember to explain expectations ahead of time. Also, I get upset sometimes or have a bad day and lose my temper. So I'm not always positive in my discipline. But I try.

The thing about discipline is that it is teaching proper behavior. The point is to teach your children to behave so that they don't always need you to remind them or tell them. They become adults who can behave properly, who k ow to get enough sleep and eat healthy. Life skills.

I agree with Patricia that I do try to avoid saying, "Because I said so." I used to think it was lazy or bad parenting to say that. But then I realized that sometimes kids need to do what they are told to do simply because the person in authority (Mom) told them to. Sometimes my kids need to do it because Mom said to do it. Sometimes it's because there isn't time to explain (Get out of the street!), but sometimes it's because they are arguing with me and asking why simply because they don't want to and not because they really care why.

Positive discipline is great, and I do believe we, as parents, should use it as mich as possible. But it's not always possible, and we're only human so sometimes we won't. It's still a great ideal to strive for!

I liked Jubee's examples.

I think the one thing we often forget is that we, as parents, are our child's first and hopefully best models. So, with this in mind, I try to model the behavior I want to see. That's the first step, from my perspective.

Making expectations clear is also important. When my son was about three, we'd be at a restaurant and he'd say "I want to run" and want to get out of his seat. If it was convenient, I'd offer to take him outside, however, I always talked about what the potential consequences of his proposed actions would be "well, if you did run, what could happen?" ("I'd run into the server; I could bump into someone" etc.) We tried to make him aware of potential negative consequences before he did something.

I also believe in giving "how" choices when a child needs to do something. Little kids often hate to break off what they are doing to go use the bathroom or come to lunch, etc. so I employ a "do you want to fly like a bird (flapping arms) or be like a motorcycle (pantomiming again) to the table?" The "how" choice often moves their brains past "am I going to do what is asked" to "HOW am I going to do what is asked?"

Of course, as kids get older, we expect more self-regulation and cooperation, and this is where I try to use thankful feedback ("Thanks for coming right to the table when I called. I'm so happy to get to enjoy lunch with you") and then also make my son aware of the consequences for non-compliance *before* things escalate. I would also suggest reading "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen... and How To Listen So Kids Will Talk" to encourage further good communication and positive problem-solving. Both kids and adults need to feel heard by each other. To me, this also creates positive situations where older kids can give us feedback about what aspect of a task or direction/rule is hard for them and even if we can't fix it, when they feel listened to and understood, we connect with them. And that is a very, very positive thing!

These are all great examples. I especially found that redirection can be very useful, especially for children under the age of 5. Trying to touch the delicate object on a shelf? Hand them a toy that's squishy and direct their attention away to something they can explore. Exhibiting annoying behavior like interrupting constantly? Take them by the hand and find them an engrossing activity, set a timer. Annoying questioner? Become the one asking the questions. Nursing toddler wanting to put their hand up your shirt? Give the child a much desired object to hold and play with instead. Do not ask their permission, it is the parent's responsibility to anticipate these needs and act accordingly.

The key for me was to find a way to guide my children's behavior, not dictate it. That does not mean I am a pushover, nor does it mean I let them get away with anything that is wrong to do. It meant I was less likely to outright punish, preferring natural consequences and redirection, unless it was a very serious offense and/or the child would learn by no other way than punishment. It also meant that I had a very good idea of what was developmentally appropriate and disciplined accordingly. Sometimes I am amazed at what makes other parents angry, as I have an easy time of understand WHY a child behaves the way they do according to their age and brain development. I can however understand that if a parent doesn't know this information, it would be easy to view children as small adults and expect too much from them.