Poor Mother Needs Help

When I need time to work, clean, pay bills etc & I need the kids to give me some alone time, I make deals with them. Maybe you can write down 12:00 & tell him when the clock says these numbers that's when I will take you to lunch & we can get an ice cream. If you just have lunch with him & play a board game or play a game of baseball for 45 minutes he would probably be very content so you can get some work done.

Please understand that when you lose your temper your son is paying the price. It's not his fault that your business is not going well...also is he really being "naughty" or is his behavior really age appropriate but disturbing you? My suggestion is this...make today a new day and make a commitment to love your boy and nurture his little spirit with gentleness and time. You are his safe place and lashing out at him makes him question his safety. Don't do that...there are no do overs so make your interactions count to fill him up not break him down.

I'm not saying any of this to come down on you, because I know what it's like to be stressed from work, busy from work and to have a child (or 2) nagging and whining at you. However, even though you may be the only person providing for you and your son -paying attention to him and taking up time with him is a must. There have been many times that I've thought, "Geeeez -I wish you would all just go away and leave me alone so I could get ______done!" I'm currently working full time outside the home, and I have another editing job I do from home at night and on weekends. I also have a 4 year old and 2 year old, so sometimes I don't get a lot of sleep, but when they're awake, I usually do not work. Once in awhile on the weekends I'll get my husband to take them somewhere because I have a deadline or something, but it's EXTREMELY important that I spend some quality time with my children.

Every day -every evening, you need to pick him up after work and hang out with him until he goes to bed. At least devote an hour to playing with him. Your child is always going to be upset and crying if you don't. He's still at the age where he just needs a lot of attention from you -and if you don't give it now, you will regret it for the rest of your life. You're going to blink and he's going to be a teenager! If you've set up a relationship where he basically has always had to go do his own thing -well -you're not going to be happy at what he's doing once adolescence hits.

You're just going to have to get used to it -4 year olds make noise and want attention. Boys seem to be especially and extremely noisy! Sometimes I think I'm going to pull my hair out with all of the growling, yelping, grunting and flat out screaming mine do -but it's really only for a very short time. I'm sorry your business isn't going well, and I hope it picks up, but your number one priority needs to be your boy. Learn to take REALLY deep breaths when you're angry or exasperated with him. If you can't deal with him, walk into another room for a minute and calm yourself. I have to do all of those things, but it really works. Good luck! Remember -you have this one chance and one moment in time to have this little boy, so try to cherish it and let some other things slide.

Try putting your relationship with your child first for a little while and the rest may fall into suit. Feeling guilty and denying your family attention can create work problems. Children feel discounted when we continually treat them as a pest. Can you give him 60 minutes a day? An hour goes fast when you are having fun with someone you love. You might be able to concentrate on your work better when you know you've done a better job at being mom, and son will probably be happy playing on his own once he's feeling more secure.

Please read Dr. Sears Discipline Book. It would greatly help both of you:
http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Book-Better-Behaved-Chil...

Some of his advice is online here. This link is advice on helping control your temper:

This link is general discipline and behavior issues and advice:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T061800.asp

In all reality though, you absolutely NEED to make time to play with him, every single day. Neglecting him of that positive attention will only make things worse for him.

I'm a working mom as well and know it's tough, but you have to redefine who you are. A mother first, a businesswoman second. If you fail in the home, it doesn't matter where else you have succeeded, because that isn't lasting like a family is.

Get home, relax for a half hour, read your child a book (i's recommended to read for 15 minutes every day with your child), do a little craft with him or color with him, play a game like hide n seek, tag or a board game like memory, hold him on your lap and cuddle as you watch a television show, get on the floor and play blocks or legos or cars... make a list to do at least 2 of these things with your child every day.

Children thrive on this attention, not simply because it's fun, but because they need that bond with their mothers and the assurance that they have their mother's attention and care. Even if their physical needs are met, they can be emotionally neglected and hindered if their play and bonding needs are not met.

Also, it's 4 year olds business to be noisy and naughty... it's what they do. It's how they have fun and discover, how they test their boundaries, how they learn you are paying attention to them. They also act out in order to get attention. A quiet child playing nicely in the corner won't guarantee a busy mother to come over and visit with him, hence why children act out. They would rather get negative attention than no attention, so do all you can to turn that situation into something positive for once.

Also, the book "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence Cohen helps give a new perspective on how to interact with your children on a regular basis in a more loving and playful way:

http://www.amazon.com/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/...

You don't say that you work from home, so I am going to assume that your son is in preschool/daycare and you are working during the day in an office. First, preschool children are noisy and naughty... it's what they do! Second, if he doesn't see you all day long, he's looking for your attention.

I would suggest giving eachother some "quiet time" when you first get home from work. Pop in a movie for him and take 10-15 minutes to allow yourself to transition from work-to-home. Make this a very literal process... change your clothes, grab a cup of tea, hair in a pony... whatever signals to YOU that you are "home".

Play with him for a solid 20 minutes, no matter what. Dinner can wait, returned calls can wait, paying bills, cleaning the house, doing the laundry... all can wait.

You define yourself as a business woman who doesn't have time for her child, which is very sad to me b/c when I asked I typically define myself first as a mother then if asked "what I do", I will describe my career. You need to work on redefining yourself, if that is what you want to do.

If you don't want to redefine yourself as a mother, then hire help. Find someone who can do the "other things" around the house that you need done, including spending time with your child. When I was in college I worked as an au pair for a family whose children were school-aged, but the parents didn't "have time" for them at night. I loved the work and the children needed the love, attention and patience.

It's up to you... who do you want to be?

Do you have any chance of getting him enrolled in any free/community programs where your son can get daycare/preschool time with other kids? I know there are programs here in Illinois like HeadStart or through churches called PDO (parents day out) that offer time for parents to be away from the kids, the kids to get fun activities and learning for low cost/no cost. The PDO programs do usually charge a fee, but it's something like $25/day (sometimes for 1/2 day, sometimes longer). Although many programs started in September, you can call around to see if they have any openings. They may offer financial assistance if you can't pay for the programming.

I used to work in HR. Time and time again I had crying mothers coming to my office, telling me how difficult it was to balance work and motherhood. Some thought that "working from home" would be a great solution. However, it seemed for MOST, trying to work from home was worse. They couldn't focus on work, make phone calls, etc. with a child/children under foot.

Try to find a "balance" between work and parenting. Try to give your son your undivided attention at certain times, like from 5-bedtime. During the day, if you don't already have childcare, you may need to get some help.

Motherhood is hard enough. But when you try to work when it's "Mommytime" it's extremely stressful.

Good luck. I hope my suggestions help.

make time to play with him; he might be trying to get your attention.

I am glad I read some of these answers first. So I will say this: one more time. LIfe is too short, I know, I know boring as it sounds. If you cannot enjoy your child find somewhere that will take him to have fun while you work I take it you have to work? Did you never experience children before? I have a sister who chose to not have children because she is a career woman and although I didn't understand it I do now. I know you love your child so enjoy him he will grow up and be gone. You can work all the time then. In the meantime, I spent my years in a compromise and do not regret it. I wanted to be with my children so the career path I chose would have been different that what might have truly suited me. I am not as rich as would have truly suited me. So, If you are in a business that you chose, do not enjoy, causes you problems with your child (do you have a significant other?) then hug, hug your child and redo all of this. I cannot stress how fast the time goes and you will realize quite possibly that what you think is noisy and naughty is really quite normal.

Take a "lunch" break and pay attention to your son. When he is happy and content, you will be less stressed and able to function on your business. Occupy him in another room with something he enjoys. Go for a walk to refocus.

you need to MAKE time for your child, even if it's 1 afternoon a week out playing with him or doing a few hours of activities

First, understand that every mother looses her temper sometimes. Your child will be fine. Second, understand that the reason he's so "naughty" is because he needs his mother. At four years old he needs you full time. Is there a husband/father in the picture? If so I would talk to him about you needing to be home with your son. If not, try to find a different job. Do you have family to help you? Perhaps you can find a night job where your child would be with family during his sleeping hours but have his mother during the day?

Just remember that being a mother is a tough job, and it is a job that we never get a break from. With a four year old they are very curious and want to be apart of everything you are doing, they want to know everything, because they are learning. I know because I am a preschool teacher.
I also understand because I get hot headed with my 12 years old son because he too is noisy and talks back. it feels like sometimes you just want to run and hide.
But what I have found that works for me, is taking a deep breath and reminding myself that it is not his fault that I am in a bad mood.Take sometime to think and reflect when you are at work, or ask a friend or family member to come by and babysit for an hour so you can get some alone time and maybe go for a walk.

You really should put your child first. You need to make time for him or you will regret it later. The time with my children is moving so quickly, I want to spend as much time with them as I possibly can. This is why I chose to have them.
Perhaps your son is "asking" for more attention by being naughty and noisy.

I urge you to find a counselor who can help you learn how to manage your emotions and provide a way for you to think thru your problems so that you can feel better. Perhaps an anti-depressant medication would help.

You've taken the first step in realizing that your bad moods are creating difficulties for your child. Focus on finding a way to manage your moods and your child will behave better.

I suggest that you might feel better if you'd schedule time in your day to just play with him. If doing so is on your schedule you may find that play will lighten your mood and give your son the positive attention he needs.

It is legitimate to tell your son that you are in a bad mood and ask him to play more quietly. Give him something to do that is quiet and if possible interact with him while he's doing it. It's fair to allow more TV temporarily while you adjust to new expectations for yourself.

Perhaps you have friends or family that could take your son for short periods of time so that you could have some time to yourself. This could be a win/win for both of you.

I sometimes lose my temper at my children (ages 1 and 4). They push me to my limits. And it has nothing to do with my work either. Sometimes I fail to cope with the stress of life and, yes, sometimes my children suffer for it.
I feel guilty but I also understand that I am human and I love them with all my heart. I do play with them all the time and try to teach them to be their best with love and nurturing. When I do lose my temper, of course I feel awful. So I tell them "I'm so sorry I lost my temper. It's not okay for Mommy to yell. I will try my best not to do it again."
Lately, when I feel like I'm getting close to the yelling point I do 2 things:
1. I tell my children how I feel: "I'm feeling really frustrated that I've asked you to put on your shoes 3 times and you haven't done it. I feel like I might yell at you. I'm trying not to do that."
2. I take a Mommy time out. It's a little confusing for them, but when I'm fed up I'll say "Mommy needs a time out. I feel like I might lose my temper unless I take a short break." I set the timer for 2 minutes and tell them I need a 2 minute break with no talking please.
Sometimes the time out for Mommy doesn't work because they do just need me and I have to swallow my emotions and work hard to be patient. But it's okay for you children to know you have limits to your patience and good for them to see you working to get a grip on your emotions.

Can you join a mother's group? It can be amazingly helpful to talk to other Moms who feel your same frustrations. Or just call a friend or sister if you don't have time to join a group. Don't hold your guilt and bad feelings inside. That won't help you or your son.

The sensory processing disorder or the sensory integration dysfunction was first written about by A. Jean Ayres in her seminal work Sensory Integration and Learning Disorders in 1972. She first named the spectrum of the symptoms children display when they are too sensitive to various types of the stimuli or on the flip side are insensitive to the pain. Sensory processing disorder is called the neurological disorder. The need to more care to the babies.
http://www.disorderscentral.com/sensory-processing-disord...

Dianna,
As the mother of 5 and the grandmother of several as well as the Foster Mother of several children that we were blessed to raise I just wanted to share some experiances that may help you. I also was a business woman and after some time of running a business out of the home I decided that it was best to do one of 2 things. a. go work for someone else so that I had set hours so that I was able to be the mother I intended to be OR
b. get better organized so that I could make sure that the children had thier time. A 4 year old is supposed to be full of noise, excitement about all the why questons and also need lots of reassurance that they are just as important as the things you are doing. When they are insecure they are bound to be getting into things otherwish the would not get into. Since I am working 2 jobs now as well as taking care of some of the grandchildren several days a week so the parents can go to school or are providing for thier families I have to be organized and have set hours. I also have set boundries for my so children so that I am not taken advantage of.
It took time to see if the business venture I was in was really paying off or just a dream, what the office hours were going to be and families needs. I just have to have constant balance of what is work time and what is my time from the home ofice. Try writting yourself a list of the pro and con of what you are doing and see if that helps you any.
Just remember that you could never get away with treating a customer badly and it you could ruin your business reputation if you did. So remember that the most important person YOU WORK FOR is your child and the work etic you teach by being there for him will pay off in the years ahead because wen they become a pre teen they need you less and as a teen they may wnt you less when you are to busy for them now they get kind of used to that idea for then. I saw alot of that with te foster children esp. I wish you well and I also remind you what I have told each of our children as they became parents-- Parenthood is like a roller coaster ride lots of twists and turns, scares and screams of excitement at each turn but at the end you are so happy to do it all over again. Good Luck.

It almost sounds like he is trying to get your attention. Can't he go to Day Care for a couple of hours a day so you can do your work...and he can play with other kids..maybe wear off some of the energy?
If he can't go to Day Care for whatever reason....maybe fix it so that you can spend about half an hour playing and talking...kissing and hugging...with him prior to work. Get his day planned out ahead of time...so he knows what to expect....good luck

First of all, he's probably being "noisy and naughty" because he's looking for some attention. I find that when I "fill up" my little one's "attention tank" then she is ready to go off by herself and play for a while. For example, if I spend 45 minutes strictly playing with her, full attention, then I can suggest a toy or activity for her to do and she is happy to go off and do that and leave me to whatever I need to do for a hour or more. when she returns, we do it all over again. That way, everyone's needs are met. The trick is to "fill up the attention tank" just like you would your car's gas tank!