Crying for No Reason

We do what works for us. She isn't crying for no reason, she is crying for attention. What would happen if you didn't rush to her when she started pounding her head? Try walking out of the room. Anytime she starts a tantrum, walk out of the room. When the tantrum is over, then sit down and play with her for a few minutes. It's hard to play to no audience. Reward her for being good not for being bad. If she is getting the attention she needs when she is doing good then she won't crave the negative attention.

My 15 month old daughter does the exact same thing! She usually does it with her dad more often, and is a definite "daddy's girl". I have noticed she has been doing it more right before dinner or bedtime, so I am assuming it is because she is tired or hungry. It can get very irritating though, and ignoring it does not work. I'm hoping she will grow out of it....you aren't alone though...

Does she have all her teeth? Sounds like some molars coming in to me. She sounds very uncomfortable and is trying to let you know. At this age my son got 8 teeth in 4 months, and was pretty unreasonable the whole time. The head hitting is common for teething, as they are trying to numb the pain.

I am a grandmother who has raised three daughters and am now raising a granddaughter, who I have had since age 2. I haven't had your particular problem; however, I have learned a tremendous amount of (grand)parenting skills from www.loveandlogic.com. I wish they had been around when I was raising my children. I'm sure they can give you the answers you need.

Hi A.,

I'm sorry you and your sweet little girl are going through this. It sounds hard for both of you.

First, I want to say that babies do not cry for no reason. There is *always* a reason, even if it doesn't seem clear or reasonable to you. What may be a trivial matter to you, may be of utmost importance to your daughter.

Babies and children do not cry to annoy their parents or to manipulate them. They cry for many reasons. Children are people too, and just like adults, they have bad days, feelings of sadness or anger, and sometimes get overstimulated. Crying is a way to tell the world at large that they have a need that is not being met. That their little voices are not being heard. That they are reacting to something that is causing them pain, anger, discomfort, sadness, anxiety, etc. That they have tension or a myriad other things built up that they need to release, to let go.

Imagine how you would feel if you were crying and everyone who crossed your path just ignored you and walked by. Imagine what it would be like if there was something going on inside you, and it felt overwhelming, and you may or may not realize what triggered it, and your husband came home and told you he knew you were just doing it to get attention and then ignored you for the rest of the night!

But it sounds like you *do* know the reason. You said "I know that she just wants to be carried...." She doesn't *just want* to be carried, she *needs* to be carried. You also said "...She just cries and screams bloody mary, but if you pick her up she immediately stops and starts to smile..." She is telling you loud and clear that she has needs that are not being met, and when you meet her need, of couse she is going to stop. She then has no reason to continue doing whatever she can to get your attention. She is reaching out for closeness, comfort, and connection. Crying and screaming are usually last resorts, not something kids do *just* to get attention. And by the way, kids *do* need attention! There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving your 15-month-old baby the attention she wants and needs...and deserves! People of all ages need attention...some more than others. They will let us know....are we willing to listen?

I understand you have a hurt shoulder. I can really empathize with this as I have recently hurt my shoulder and I know how hard it can be to carry kids around like that. And my kids are 3 and 5! Yes...they still want to be carried (especially my 3 year old)! And yes, when it is feasible, I still carry them! This is not to say I carry them around all the time. And I carry my 3yo moreso than the 5yo. But when they are reacing out for attention, I find a way to meet their needs while also honoring my own needs. So if I don't feel like carrying them in my arms, I might use a sling for the younger one, or I might sit and read them stories, or go for a walk, or find ways to meet all of our needs.

In many cultures, children are carried almost constantly until they reach the age of three. It is unfortunate that in our culture we are in such a rush to see our children grow up and become independent. Just the other day my dd (5) told me she really misses nursing. When I asked her what she missed about it, she said being held so much. Kids crave affection, attention, closeness, companionship and comfort from their parents. They crave this because they need it. And when these needs are met consistently, they thrive.

My suggestion to you, first and foremost, is to start listening to your little one! She is speaking to you in the only way she can, and it sounds like she is not being heard! My heart really goes out to her, and to you as well. It can be really hard to be hurting and have to do things that might bring you more pain.

But remember, she will only be little once, and the more you meet her needs now, the happier she will be, the happier you will be, the more she will trust you, the stronger your relationship will be, and the more able she will be to meet her own needs as an adult.

I would also recommend purchasing a sling such as a maya wrap, and wearing it on the good shoulder. That way, you can meet your need for not using the hurt shoulder to carry her around, and her need to be carried and to have your attention can be met as well. Be willing to meet her where she is, in this moment, right now. Show her you value what she has to say and are willing to meet her needs.

After you try these things, if she is still doing the head banging, I might also consider sensory issues. I have known other children to do this and grow out of it. But the logical first step (imo) is to honor her voice and her needs.

With Love...

I noticed your other submission up there about how your daughter won't eat, either. Maybe she has food allergies, and that causes her unhappiness? My son has food allergies, and was very sensitive when he was younger. He was unhappy a lot of the time, related to upset stomach and not feeling well. Just an idea. What does your pediatrician say about her hitting her head?

Also, does she get frustrated because she's trying to communicate with you? Have you considered sign language? That helped with my two kids a lot.

Your daughter has a classic case of mommy spoiled syndrome. Its likely to get worse with age unless you nip it in the bud now. There are many approaches to solving this little problem, none of them are pleasant or easy. You can try ignoring her, but that is really hard to do and very noisy. You can try time outs, also very noisy and the tantrums will most likely be ugly. Mostly you just have to stop giving in, don't let her have her way and don't pick her up when she has a fit. It could take up to a week before she adjusts to the new rules, but will be worth it in the long run. I am speaking from experience by they way. Its very hard to listen to your little one scream and bash their head against the wall. I found that I had to call a friend to talk to at times to get me through a fit. Good luck!

Is your daughter developing any kind of language skills? Maybe this is her only way of communicating her needs, her frustrations, of getting your attention. Staying at home isn't the same as doing things and interacting with her. 15 months still pretty young for self play and amusement. Take the time, make the time to sit and play with her, show her how to use her various toys. Read to her and rock her. When you attend to her 'act outs' what is it that she needs or wants besides you? If it's a drink, give her the words and say them over and over again. She sounds lonely and frustrated. You know how you can feel all alone in a crowded room? Get her a doll to play with and care for. Show her how. Get her a play kitchen or dishes so she can emulate what she observes you doing. Your time for work will be when she's napping or playing by herself, otherwise you will be interacting with her, holding her, feeding her, playing with her.

mom put a bike helmet on her and let her hit her head......screaming and throwing a fit gets her what she wants attention! if you can ignore her then she will stop sooner or later .if you can leave the room she is in and dont allow her to come in the room your in . tell her you can not come in here until you stop screaming and crying.....then you can come in and play but i am not holding you .we can play together. find something she likes sit on the floor and play! but do not reenforce the crying and tantrum by picking\g her up or to continue to tell her to stop ...say it once give her a warning ....if you keep cryinmg i am going to my space and you can come in until you stop then we can play a game.ply dolls !I would uess that this will help stop it ....... also make a time out chair in one spot she is old enough to learn time out but not for more than 1 min for every year of age ...... have to be tuff mom but it will get better .... also talk to her dr see what he has to say ....... he may have some in sight. good luck

Sounds like she is running the show and loving it. Take control,I am not quite sure how you can do that but good ole discipline sounds like the key to me. If she throws fits and won't straighten up when you tell her too, and you aren't comfortable with popping her leg or hand put her in time out. Place her in the crib for a few minutes till she calms down or stops screaming. As far as kids slamming their head into objects-thats rather normal. It cause-n-effect, just like when they drop a spoon from the high chair over and over. They are learning when I do this this is what happens. Unless she is causing cuts on her head from banging her head I would pay no attention to it.

A.,

I haven't had one like this so I don't know if this will help! It sounds like your daughter has entered that stage where she really wants to communicate, but can't yet put words together. I have taken care of a child beginning when she was 5 months, and she is 20 months now. She went through a similar stage that ended around 18th months. I'd just make sure that you spend some extra time with her playing and reading books. Connecting with her a little extra might help her feel listened to. I'd also try teaching her a little baby sign language. I did that with my son and the girl I watch, and it really helped with their communication. Good luck, and don't forget that phases end!

A., Something you may want to discuss with your pediatrician is migraine. Small children who experience migraines cry without reason and often hit their head on things out of desperation. I hope it is something much more simple than this, but I would ask your doctor.

If your daughter is throwing a fit in order to get your attention, you need to address two issues. One is that it is legitimate for her to want your attention and you can let her know that you want to love and hold her. However, you and she need to find a different way for her to express her request for your attention. It might be through "using words", or a sign. Then reward her every time she asks for attention this way, and ignore her when she throws a tantrum. You might even try saying something like, "oh I can't stand to be around this screaming, I have to go to another room now!" and leave. Unless there is a medical issue here, kids pretty much continue doing whatever gets them results, and quit doing what won't work.

My daughter went through this when her molars came in. It hurt and she couldn't verbalize it, so she was even more frustrated.

She did the head banging thing to. I suggest moving her to a safe place to throw her tantrum and then walk out of the room.

Sorry to say so, but the terrible two's usually starts around 15-18 months, so that's what you're dealing with.

Good luck!

there may be some sensory issues there.... you should ask your pediatrician for a referral to Mary Bridge for an early intervention evaluation.... I would also contact Pierce County Family Resources for a coordinator. They will come to your house for free, do a few developmental westionaires and help you determine if there is a sensory issue causing your childs behaviour. problems with textures food textures, aspects of their environment etc...can be identified and treated.

if you are in piuerce county Athena Elrod, Lead Family Resources Coordinator, PCHS
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otherwise... your doctor can refer you to the appropriate early intervention agency... it is a federal program avaialbe to all children under 3

It never hurts to check with a doctor to see if there might be something wrong but to me it sounds like she just wants your attention. My daughter also loves attention, however, (now) she knows the right way and the wrong way about getting it.
When I noticed she was acting out to get attention I would respond but while responding tell her a better or nicer way to get my attention. I'd also work on paying a little more attention to when she was trying to get attention a good way and praise her for it. This got rid of most of her tantrums.
The thing with tantrums is once she starts throwing them, she's not listening anymore. This can be because of being overtired (most cases with my daughter) or just tired of trying to find a different way to get my attention. When she figured out it worked to get my attention she did it more because she got results. She was still too young to know how to ask for my attention.
So, when she threw a tantrum and was too little to go by herself, I would pick her up and put her in her bed and told her that when she was done crying she could come out. If she came out before she was done I'd put her right back in again. As soon as she stopped crying for a little bit I would check on her and if she was awake I'd ask her if she was done, if she seemed to be done I'd take her out. It's really hard to do at first but after a few days of doing it she quickly realized that if she didn't cry and throw fits she'd get more attention. I still send her to her room when she's throwing a fit most of the time now it's because she's tired and as soon as I check on her she's passed out.
Oh, I almost forgot. One other thing I did when I sent her to her room crying, if she changed her tone of crying (getting worn out crying but feeling like she still had to or had quieted it down to see if you were around/listening) I would walk in and ask her if she was done yet. If she still wasn't totally listening I would sit next to her rub her back for a few seconds and tell her once she stopped crying she could come out. Sometimes she'd try to jump on me and get me to cuddle but I would tell her that she had to stop crying first. If she didn't stop crying after a minute of me being in there I would leave and tell her that as soon as she stopped she could come out. More often than not, after a minute or two of crying it out in her room, she'd come out happy and smiling and I would give her my full attention. I would even sound excited when she came out of her room happy, that encouraged her to no end. Every time she comes into a room happy I greet her that way. If she looks concerned or unhappy about something I'll ask her what's wrong. Sometimes she just wants to get up on my lap and cuddle a little. We do make her ask if she can get up before letting her on our lap. Practicing manners helps her stay calm about things but also gets her more results which encourages her to keep it up.
Encourage the behaviors you like and want to keep and try to find effective ways to discourage the behaviors you don't like. If they're used to getting a response then it will take awhile to correct. I know you can do it. :-)

YES! Unfortunately, if he wants my attention . . . It is enough to drive a saint insane! I even asked my pediatrician about it and he said it is him testing our boundaries. So I watch and make sure he is not doing something harmful and let him have his fit. Mommies have things that need to get done too and he can't be the center of my world 24/7 (even though he is!) My pediatrician said the only time you should be concerned is if the will bang the heads for hours repeatedly like a trance state. But he said most all babies will knock their head for attention. Cuz' when baby hits their head what is the first thing we do? Instant panic, pick them up and give them lovins! Good Luck!
S.

One of the best pieces of advice I got about parenting is to go with the flow. It sounds a bit hippy dippy, but I'm sure you've already experienced the frustration of just when you get used to something new, it changes again! Well, that just keeps on happening all the way until they are gone and out of the house. Your daughter is not crying for "no reason"... there is a reason it just isn't apparent to you. Babies and toddlers don't have the verbal abilities to tell you what their discomforts and frustrations are, so they "act out" the only way they know how. Remember, you can't spoil a child by tending to their needs, especially one so young. Until they are three or so, their wants and their needs are the same thing. Your daughter is too young to manipulate you in the same way an adult would, so don't take it personally and don't think you have to break her of something. To spoil something means to leave it alone to rot, right?

Another thought, has she had any vaccinations recently? Sometimes a child can have reactions to vaccinations with those symptoms.

Oh, and the hitting herself thing... yup, my almost three year old is experimenting with this now. I think kids will do this as a way of exploring their world, their body, and your responses to their behavior. Again, it's not manipulation in the negative sense that we tend to put it in. I let my daughter hit herself a few times, then ask her how it felt. Sounds silly, but it shows her that I am paying attention and allows her to experience for herself the consequences of her actions. Obviously, if she were to do it repeatedly and was in danger of seriously hurting herself, I would intervene. But mostly she does it when she's overstimulated, like if we have company over for dinner and she's tired, wound up, and looking for attention. I'll take her in to another room and sit with her quietly and read a book until she's calmed down.

She wants your attention so give it to her in ways shes can help at 15 months mine would help me with things like sweep the floor and doing the laundary. It helps you get thimgs done and she feels like she is getting the attention she wants talk to her while you do day to day things and I am sure you can think of all kinds of other things she can help out with too. also if you haven't all ready get involved in a moms club so she can play with other kids. as for the fits she throws put her in time out where there are no walls close or anything eles she can hurt her self on. but mostly love her she is trying to express herself and does not know how eles she is still really young and she needs you help. Best of luck and you and your family will be in my payers.
Desiree

My son is 3 now, and from about 12-28 months he would punch himself in the head everytime he was upset. He would also ram his head into the headboard on his bed repeatedly. I think a huge thing to remember about it is that your child is doing this to get a response from you. She doesn't care if it's positive or negative, she's looking for any kind of attention. When my son turned violent or started misbehaving in public or at home, I would find a "naughty spot" for him to sit (usually against a wall) where he could continue to do his thing while I stood nearby. I wouldn't react, I wouldn't even pay attention besides making sure he stayed put. He eventually learned that throwing fits for attention and hurting himself for attention, were simply NOT going to get him any attention.
Hope this helps! Good luck!

Dear A.,

I saw your other post about your daughter not wanting to eat much either. My gut reaction is to just tell you to RELAX. If she only has good food choices she won't starve to death and she will eat what she needs. She won't starve herself to death at this age anyway. The key is to limit between meal snacks, or at least make sure they are healthy and nutrient rich.

As for the head banging. How about just walking out of the room. She is doing this for attention and to control you. You are responding by rushing to her. The key is to learn NOT to reward the behavior that is unacceptable.

I am 67, retired from the US Justice Dept, mother of 7, grandmother of 32, Great Grandma to 3 for now. I stayed at home with my kids when they were little too.

N.

Sounds like she just wants some of your attention.

A., The best advice anyone can give you is to take her to the doctor! Some of that is normal for her age, but the head banging thing concerns me. Don't mean to scare you but if there is a neorological problem, the sooner you know about it the better, I will pray for her, and you. R. P.S. I read some of the other responses you got, it seems they all think its a tantrum of the terrible 2's, could be, but I would still make sure. Teething can be a really painful thing, but there are things for that too, its never a good idea to just assume when it has been going on that long.

Hi there. Sounds like your little one is going through a tantrum stage. I remember my little boy throwing tantrums around the same age and kept thinking, great I wonder what the "terrible twos" will be like. My best advice is don't give in. They understand a lot more then we give them credit for. Tell her that mommy would like to pick her up but that mommy is hurt and can't right now...and don't. If she throws a tantrum put her in time out. They say one minute for each year old they are. So she would get a minute. After time out is over...once she has achieved staying where you put her for one minute, tell her why she was in time out and then give her a hug. Be consistent...make sure your husband is on the same page too.

As for intentionally hurting herself, I'm afraid I don't know. Fortunately I haven't had to deal with that.

Best of luck!

Sounds like you are very busy with a little one with her own my already in what she want to eat and not eat, then wanting all your attention. Does she see other kids her age. Maybe she needs to be around others more , to learn to be away from you for a little bit.

Hi A.~
I wonder if she's hungry? I read your other blog and if the not-eating is a new issue as well as the constant crying, it seems like something is out of whack. A funny thing we did with the only child of ours to have temper tantrums was, tell her to protect her head on her way down cuz I really didn't have time to take her to the hospital at that time, and then got down on the floor, saying nothing and showing no reaction to her actions, and did them with her! The child probably only had a half dozen or less of them. As for crying for no reason-we used to tell them that they are welcome to cry, but you'll have to do it...over there, in the hallway, in the living room, etc. Somewhere away from you!
Good luck!

My children all did this type of behavior when they were younger and wanted my attention. Unfortunately we cannot always give them attention immediately when they want it due to our needing to do housework or regular work or whatever. I found the best way was to tell them that they could have their fit in another room (like their bedroom) where I did not need to hear it. When they were done with their fit they could come out. Head banging often went along with their fits but I noticed that they never actually did it hard enough to hurt themselves badly (although it did look like they were going to hurt themselves) so I just let them go on with it until they calmed down. If they would not go to their bedrooms to throw their fit then I would leave whatever room they were throwing it in at the time. I did not come back in to that room until they were done with their fit. Their fits usually stopped very soon after I did that since they knew they were not going to get my attention in that way. If the fit started out in public I would just walk a little ways away maybe even around a corner where I could still keep and eye on them but they couldn't see me. As soon as they realized they didn't have me as an audience they straightened out pretty fast. If someone else approached them I told the person that they were ok and just getting a time out so they should not even be spoken to at that time. No audience works wonders.

My kids are all grown and away from home now and doing just fine.

My daughter did the same thing for too long as I was not sure what to do. She would wake up in the morning and from naps crying out and it would escalate. I would pick her up and try to comfort her and sing to her or hold her close but that only escalated it. The only thing that I found that would work was getting her outside no matter if it was raining or snowing (she is my nature baby!). However, I was doing everything wrong (according to my pediatrician) and the behavior was not changing and even began to ruin a trip to my mother in laws!. This was my daughters way of throwing a tantrum to get my attention or to keep me in the room or to do keep me from doing almost anything except pay exclusive attn to her.

What I ultimately did to put a stop to this behavior was to ignore it. I would come sit in the room with her for a few minutes and if it would escalate (which it usually did cause she really liked the audience)I would tell her "I am leaving the room and would come back to check on her in a few minutes. I loved her but did not like the behavior." After being consistent and not giving in for a few weeks the behavior really improved.
She tests us now and then but if we are consistent (which I find really hard to be) she gives it up and turns into the sweet daughter we know and love.

Good luck and I hope you find something that works for you!

She does it because that is what gets the attention. You honestly have to ignore it. It will be hard - I know, because I have to go through the same thing w/ my child who is older.
In the beginning you will have to be hypervigilant and give attention to the good behaviour: playing quietly, being calm, listening, being friendly, anything you can aquaint to being good. Give little rewards - a stamp on the hand, a sticker, favorite piece of candy (we use sugar free jolly ranchers and sugar free popcicles), a bigger reward for continued good behaviour like a new toy or color book. When you've ignored a bahaviour and she has calmed down be sure to go over and compliment her on being able to calm herself and pull it together. When she is being calm would be a good time to pull her onto your lap or pick her up and comment about how good she was being and how easy it was to pick her up or sit with her at that time. Of course you would adapt all this to her age level - but if you can do it now vs. when she is 3/4/5 it will be much easier. She is very smart and has figured out how to get you to drop everything and pay attention to her - but with inappropriate actions and behaviours.
The banging may be attributed to needing that type of physical feedback. My son used to crash into stuff. Try giving her something to bang on, that may satisfy the urge. If she really is hurting herself vs. trying to get attention you may need help. But, you may just need to find her a different outlet to get whatever feedback she needs. She may stop once she realizes that you aren't going to drop everything to come stop her she'll probably stop.

I have a almost 6 year old daughter that would hit her head on anything when mad. She cried alot! It seemed at home more. She would always cry and scream when waking from naps until she was 3 1/2 years. It of course got gradually less at four.

When my daughter god mad and screamed I told her she could go to her room and cry as long as she wanted, but could not come out until she was ready to calm down. I put big pillows on the ground told her that they were crying pillows. It worked for me.

My theory is their little bodies and minds are growing. They probably aren't feeling good in their bodies when growing and need an outlet. Figuring out how to deal with all these new feeling is super hard. I never was a big push over. I tried to stay firm about calming down. Sometimes a hug is neccessary to know mom still loves them. Good luck.

Hi A.,

I work in daycare and see this day in and day out, sorry to say this but your child is spoiled. dont pick her up every time she cries, we dont at daycare other wise we'd be holding all the children all day. Good luck

It sounds like she is already in the terrible twos, and wants the world to continue to revolve around here (much like it has to for a baby). My favorite parenting author/psychologist explains all this very well in his book "Making the Terrible Twos Terrific" (John Rosemond). He is funny and entertaining to read, and offers no-nonsense approaches that make sense and get it done. I vaguely remember a recommendation he made for such behaviors: take your daughter to a place she can reach on the wall, and tell her that when she wants to bang her head, this is the place to do it, and demonstrate for her. It is totally ridiculous, and catches her off guard... When she's doing it somewhere else, calmly lead her to the headbanging place and remind her to do it there, and that when she's done you'd love to read a book to her or something like that. You'd have to read the book; I'm paraphrasing from memory, but in the right context his solution makes sense. He explains (perhaps in other books) that the more attention kids get, the more they crave, much like a sugar addiction or any other addiction, and giving all sorts of attention when they do something negative like that just adds fuel to the fire, whereas just blowing it off takes away the response she's looking for. He also recommends giving her a place to yell/kick/scream (have a tantrum) like on the rug in the bathroom (again, you might give a ridiculous demonstration - it totally takes the fun out of it for her). Good luck!

Hi A.,

Have you tried a baby carrier? They make them very comfortable to wear with toddlers now! That way you can do housework, gardening, etc... with her on your back. If you'd like some help finding out about different ones please let me know!

Dani
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With the trouble you are having, as well as the trouble getting her to eat, I think if it were me I'd take her back to the pediatrician. Tell them the whole story, not eating, temper tantrums, etc. They may be able to tell you if there is something medically going on, or send you to a specialist.

My kids all went through phases where they just don't eat. The only thing I could really do was wait it out. They also learn quite young how to manipulate Mom into giving them what they want, ie...picking them up when they start crying. My son used to hold his breath. Finally I just didn't panic (VERY tough!!) and let him hold it... he actually blacked out for a couple of seconds, started breathing again, and came around. He's never tried holding his breath to get his way since!

None of this behavior in itself is really out of the ordinary for children, however, since you are dealing with the refusal to eat as well as her physically hurting herself, it wouldn't hurt to get her thoroughly checked out in case there is something medical.