Please Help This Military Wife!!!

K., first thing it all right, as a mother u r allowed to feel like this from time to time, and given the situation of ur husband being in iraq, this adds to the stress of being the only parent in the house, but please remember with time everything gets easier, and also women were made to handle these kinds of stresses, even thought u may not feel it right now in 5 yrs youll sit back and say "that wasnt so bad". I no it is hard but enjoy everything about those boys, take the bad and find a reason to laugh about it no matter how bad it may seem, it could always be worse, and they will only be this age once, so ull only get to "enjoy" it once. good luck and dont worry i promise me being the mom of a five yr old it does get easier.

K.,
I am also a military wife and know that your son is probably going through some really tough times right now being seperated from his Father. I know it's frustrating but you have to also show him that you still love him and that although his behaviour is not acceptable, he is still loved by Daddy too. Maybe try spending more one on one time with him in a positive way rather than discipline all the time. When he starts to act out, try to guide him to something positive. When his Daddy calls try to make it a special time for him and his dad. If you guys have a web cam and can do video chat, that would be great for him too. Please don't beat yourself up about this, this is VERY common especially with military families. I will be praying for you and please email me anytime... ____@____.com. I am also going to offer to babysit the younger one if you would like so you can spend some one on one time with the 3 yr old. Take care and god bless!!
V. in Fairhope

Hi K.. It sounds like you've received some great advice! I commend you as this is a huge challenge & i commend your husband for serving our country - you are great examples of unselfishness & commitment! Thank you! The best advice is to be consistent. Kids know when you are not! Be patient b/c it will be tested during this time. And surround yourself with others who will encourage you & not bash your husband for leaving you alone! Hang in there! It's worth it!!!

From one military wife to another... God Bless!!!

The last time my husband went to Iraq my son was about 15 months old. We had a horrible time with separation anxiety for MONTHS. He has finally settled down now, and his dad has been home since October. I can understand your frustration completely.

I will share with you two things I found that work surprisingly well with my son. My son never has responded to "spankings", he laughs them off (which of course just makes me more frustrated). Recently I read a book called 1-2-3 Miracle; fabulous. Takes consistency and patience, but well worth it. The other surprisingly simple thing that works if you don't like to swat your children. A quick thump on the ear gets their attention EVERYtime. Its amazing to me that a swat doesn't phase my son, but making that ear sting strightens him up quick.

Many blessings and prayers to you and your family and to your husband's safe return. Keep the faith.

During the Gulf War, I was in your spot. I had three kids - 1, 4, and 6 year old. My 4 year old starting hitting and kicking me, telling me he hated me, etc. It was the first time for me to be mom and dad. I turned for help to a counselor that was assigned to base. I don't think I could have gotten thru it without her. Every week, I took my 4 year old. In his mind, he didn't know how to show his emotions about dad being gone and he thought that dad was never coming back. I also attended a support group on the base with other spouses who had someone deployed. That really helped.
Good luck! My prayers go out to you, your husband, and kids. It's not easy; but there is support out there. God bless you and your family!

S.

hey K. it sounds like your 3 year old is taking advantage of the fact that daddys not home and u probably feel guilty so u are letting them do what they want and they are playing on that .set some rules! let them know u will be the one in charge at least until daddy gets home talking back is not accepted. there just normal kids they need dicipline as well as love good luck and GOD BLESS U!

K.,

Trying to discipline any child is a challenge. My husband isn't in Iraq but he is disabled and has 3 children from a previous marraige and is much older than me. He tries to discipline but it doesn't work so it is all left up to me.

I am much older and when we first got married, I had a lot of relatives living with us including children. I perfected a tone and a look that told all children that were in trouble that I would not tolerate any nonsense. Think back to maybe your mom or an older relative that all they had to do was look at you and you behaved. It is a very stern look that tells them to stop. Then there is the very stern voice and the word 'ENOUGH'. When my daughter is misbehaving all I have to do is very sternly say 'ENOUGH' and it stops her in her tracks. Don't get me wrong, this won't happen over night and I did have to swat her a few times to get her to listen but with time and practice it will eventually work. Also, even though he is only 3, start talking to him NOW about unacceptable behavior. If you talk to him eough about it, everything you tell him will sink in. Try not to let him see that you are stressed about it. He knows then that he can pretty much walk all over you. When you are out, very firmly take his hand or pick him up and take him home. He will probably cry all the way but he will get the message. It will just take time, patience and practice. Just like him, you are young and have a lot to learn.

One more thing, if you are at home and he throws a fit, walk away. If he doesn't have an audience then he will realize he is not getting to you anymore. Make sure that everything is out of his way that he could possibly hurt himself on. If you have every watched any of the nanny shows, they give a lot of good advice. Naughty spots work well but just like everything else, it takes time.

Good luck.

E.

Hi Kelly,
its not too late to be in control. Thats what has happened your 3 yr old has found a way to be in control and its time to take it back. You just dont allow him to be in control anymore. Its not to early to "pop" or "tap" to get his attention. once you get his attention, let him know that he is a child and you are the mommie and that he is no longer gonna be able to act that way. look into his eyes make him see the control switch hands. I know its hard to hurt thier feelings but sometimes you have to be the parent and put feelings aside and do whats best for them. you can do it! You are stronger that you are giving yourself credit for!

Kelli, I know that being a "single" parent is very challenging. The key element to disciplining a child is consistancy. I use to let things go just because it seemed that the only attention that I was giving the children was negative. It only made the situation worse because I would say I was going to do something but did not. Therefore they learned that they could continue doing whatever they were doing. I have learned that to tell them exactly what the consequence is going to be if they continue the behavior and I stick by it. It is extremely difficult at times but it does work. Sometimes I feel that I am the one being punished because they can't have friends over or watch tv or go outside and play, but that is what gets their attention. Parents sometimes forget to set limitations for their children because they want to be their "friend". There will be time to be friends when the kids are older, right now they need structure and boundaries.

K.,

I do believe 3 is far worse than 2 lol. My son did the talking back thing and I ended up having to stay on him constantly and constantly give him spankings for it to break him from it. Every child is different with punishment though. I wanted to send you my sister's email address though because she can probably relate more to your situation than I can. She has a 4 year old son and her husband was deployed to Iraq when he was around 3. She might be able to help more for you. Your welcome to email her at ____@____.com things get better for you soon.
M.

We have a saying in our house, "Terrible two's and DEMONIC THREE'S!" All I can say is I feel for you. Have you gotten involved in any stay at home mom groups, or even just found some mommy's day out activity or something. You definately need to make sure you are having an ample suply of adult conversation- IT REALLY HELPS! Of course I have no idea if you are stay at home or working, but it is so important to have something for your self! Especially being the only one home right now. Please send your husband thanks from our family for being such an amazing citizen and fighting for our country! Bless you for being so strong! Your are in my thoughts.

Three is hard. Mine just turned 3 and is pushing the envelop constantly. I'm not sure if you have been letting him slide because if you have than he thinks he can get away with it. You will have to be tough for a while till he knows you mean business then you can just threaten. But determine what the punishment will be before you have to threaten. Because what ever you say you will have to follow through, and I know I don't think well under pressure.

Also, he is probably feeling a little left out. His daddy is gone and you have to do so much for the 11 month old. Tell your little one that you will spend 30 minutes a day with just him, maybe during the 11 month olds nap time, doing whatever he wants. You may have to let the laundry wait or the dishes. Tell him that while Daddy is away he has to be the man of the house and help. That might let him feel important.

Good luck.

ok let me reasure you about your 3 year old. My experience is that 3 is the worst age for children. My daughter did things in public when she was 3 that will forever haunt me. it really does get much better when he turns 4. Just keep your patience and don't ever believe that its your fault. You can only do your best and this phase will pass. Good luck

Im also a military wife. My son will be 2 in may. My sister went through the same thing with her oldest when her husband was in Korea, all I can tell you is see if he has ADHD or something. My oldest nephew is 4 now and he was just as hyper, not listening or doing anything, anyone told him. He talked back and hit you. He would also tell you that he does not have to listen to you that your not his mother. My sister, me and my mother would always just dicipline him. I am not suggesting you do that but that is how we dealt with him. Made him stand in the corner or go to his room without toys in it. But this past august the Peditrician put him on some new medicine for ADHD and he has calmed down after taking it but when it wears off he is usually still calm but most times he is to the point where you have to get on to him for something. I hope I helped a little. Good luck.

Hi K.!
i am not sure how to help you with your little "problem" but when I read your note I saw myself. I have a 3 year old little girl, my husband is home with us, but she is in the stage of talking back and raising her voice to me even in public. She would never even think about acting this way if her daddy was with us, but she takes advantage of it when it is just she and I. I am beginning to believe it just comes with their age but it has gotten to the point where I am am completely embarrased to take her anywhere. I have began to blame myself for her being so spoiled, I do discipline her but it seems as though it just does not sink in. I hate feeling so out of control...
I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and if you find an option that works for you please let me know. I commend you on taking charge of your family while your husband is serving our country. I will remember you and your family in my prayers. And I am grateful to your husband and the others that serve our country. And I am grateful for you and the other mothers that are left behind to serve their familes.
K. M.

I agree that 3 is harder than 2. My dgt turned 3 in October and started getting into all kinds of stuff when she knew better(diaper cream all over everything, tried to paint her own finger and toenails, etc). She gets counted when she talks back or does a minor thing wrong.
When she gets to 3 (within about a 10 minute period) she gets a timeout for 3 minutes (1 min. per year). If she argues or talks back about the timeout, it doubles. If she continues to argue, run away, talk back, etc. she doesn't take the time out but she looses a favorite toy or privilege. Some things (like hitting) are automatic time-outs.

Sometimes she throws tantrums for no apparent reason. We have a finished basement. I tell her if she wants to have a tantrum, she can do it in the basement. She has to sit on the bottom step and can come back upstairs whenever she is done with her tantrum. At least this way, I don't have to listen to her. She seems to calm down sooner without an audience.

Hope this helps.