My son is either wonderful or terrible. There is no in between. For the past week, when we get home from school he has been cery good. He helped with dinner, laundry, etc. But the first time he is told no, that is when it all begins. I have been getting the worst tantrum I have ever seen. He kicks, screams, swings his arms, and he doesn't listen to a word I say, or anyone else for that matter. This tanrum lasts about 2 hours, and I have no idea what to do anymore. I am at my wits end with him. I try to walk away, but he hates that and he comes after me saying "I love you mommy" Than when he coalms down, he thinks it is ok. He wants this and that. I tell him he has to learn that when he behaves like that, it takes more than just being quiet for 3 minutes to get something he wants, than the tantrum starts all over again.
I just want to thank everyone who responded with advice on how to handle my MONSTER. I will try everything and anything possible until I find something that works. And when it works, I will let you all know. Thanks again. C.
I deal with my friend's kids all the time and they are a challenge. I use a squirt bottle to get them to listen and follow directions, and I use the corner for that too. The squirt bottle really gets their attention and respect.
C.,
Your son is displaying manipulative, attention-seeking behavior. ALL toddlers and pre-schoolers do it to some degree. It all starts with a display of anger or frustration when you tell him no. If he even occasionally gets what he wants by throwing a fit, he then learns it's worth a shot, so he keeps doing it. If the first few times it happens, you get upset or worried, and stand by, trying to talk him out of it or reason with him, he learns that he can trap you into giving him all of your attention by continuing the tantrum. So you try walking away. He doesn't see this coming, so he runs after, trying to make it better, and goes with "I love you" because that's a guaranteed winner with Mommies. You stop walking away, give him a big hug and a kiss and all of your attention again, and he's got another weapon in the arsenal. Next time he throws a tantrum and it's not working, you walk away, he goes for plan B, and a pattern is established.
When you walk through how it happens, step by step, you can see that his behavior makes total sense from his perspective, and your responses are natural and appropriate at the time, but still something isn't working. A lot of times we blame ourselves when we're trying to find a way to change a child's behavior patterns and not getting what we want from them.
Walking away and ignoring a tantrum is totally appropriate on your part. Make sure he can't hurt himself or someone else, and just let him go. When he stops and goes to the "I love you, Mommy" part, give a QUICK hug and kiss, tell him you love him too, but he still can't do whatever is was. He's going to throw another fit, because those are the two tactics he's got and they're not working, so now he's back to square one again, frustrated and angry. Let him. It's loud and annoying and horrible, but you've just got to weather the storm. NEVER, EVER give in to a tantrum. If it works even sometimes, it's always worth trying. When you say No, it must be absolute. Eventually, and it will probably take a few weeks, he will learn that these behaviors do not get him what he wants, and do not make Mommy stop what she's doing and focus all of her attention on me, which is almost as good to a pre-schooler. When it doesn't work, it's a waste of time, and he'll stop doing it.
I wish you luck, because this lesson is a hard one. My son is 2 yrs, 7 months now, and we've gotten to where that fit is about 30 seconds long. Just enough to let me know what he thinks of my saying No, and then he moves on to another activity. Keeping it up just doesn't get him anywhere, so he doesn't bother.
Jess
I am in a very similar situation. I am a 27 year old single mom with a three year old boy. When my son has a tantrum I give one warning and let him know if he misbehaves again I am going to take away what ever it is he is doing (i.e. toys or videos). Or I give him one warning for a time-out, which consists of confining him to a small area, because the bottom stair or little rug does not work for him.
We then have a conversation while he is in time-out. I let him know what his behavior was, why it was not acceptable, and that he needs to be a good listener. He seems to take a lot of pride in being a good listener. This is working for me right now, but it may take a few tries and you MUSt be CONSISTANT or the tantrums are not going to get better.
I hope this helps!!
Kids like to test your boudaries and it sounds like this is what he is doing. When my daughter was his age she could throw come good size tantrums. I would either completly ignore her (I know it's hard but if you stick to it after a while he will realize that his screaming isn't working and will stop or try something else). Another things I would do is put her in time out. Even if we were in a store I would calmly find a corner out of the way and make her sit in it. A good rule for time outs is one minute for every year in age, any longer than that and they forget what they are in time out for so it defeats the purpose. The main thing is that whatever way you decide to handle the problem you have to remain consistent. Don't do it one time and then not the next time or it won't work. I too am a single mother and I know how stressful it can be but if you stay calm and consistent in your approach it will work. By remaining consistent you show him that you are the one who is in control, not him, and that you mean business. Another thing - when my daughter would resort to the "I love you mommy" bit then I would calmly reasure her with "I know you love me and I love you very much but this is not appropriate behavior and you need to ......"
Good Luck!
Best thing to do believe me my youngest acts the same way. Pick him up & put him in time out & don't start counting time till he's calm. the more you pay attention to the temper tantrums to more he will give. i did that with my daughter last nite took 30 mins for her 2 sit in her chair but she finally sat down & went to bed right after
Hi C.!
You might like the book "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Here is a link to it:
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...
Good luck! My daughter is a feisty one too. This book helps to frame the behavior positively and gives good suggestions of things that can help make your life easier!
The more you try to talk to him while he's having the tantrum the more it reinforces the behavior. When it starts tell him "Until you talk to me like a big boy, you stay here." And leave the room. When he comes and talks to you reinforce that this behavior is unexceptable. Walk away every time, and it won't take time till he learns that the tantrums aren't working. Then he'll find some new way to drive you insane.
When he starts up again have you then walked away again?. He is reacting to this as a game, you set the rules. If you don't play it his way, he will give up. When he is good after you say no ask him if he wants to go for a walk, play a favorite game. What ever, but don't give in, that's what he wants, be firm and gentle. Don't say that he has to learn, he can't understand that. Just keep turning away, walking to another room, or just plain ignoring him. If you do this he will learn, "I will get mommy if I act this way,but not if I act that way". You say he is in school all day, when you are together at home he is one on one with you, not having to compete with other children for your attention. He wants that one on one total attention, which is not wrong, he just has to learn, in a three year olds way, cause and effect.Keep up the good work and good luck
