Please Help, My Daughter Has Become Very Fresh!

Just how ‘fresh’ are we talking here?

When I was growing up, we called it talking ‘smack’, because if you kept it up, that’s exactly what was going to happen to you. :P

There’s a big difference from a child saying “Mommy you’re a pootie head” to “Eff you, Mom!”

The response should be equal to the offense.

The solution depends upon your parenting style, and how your daughter responds to various punishments.

Time outs never worked for anyone I knew when I was a kid. Of course, my parents didn’t really use ‘time out’. But some neighbor kid’s parents did. Those were always the most unruly kids in the neighborhood. My parents were a bit more creative than that, and the punishment always fit the crime.

I remember drawing on the walls of my room once with crayon. Guess who got to sit there for 2 hours scrubbing it off with tears in their eyes the whole time? Worked wonders, and I never drew on the walls with crayons ever again.

Get creative. Be firm with her when she disrespects you, and she will love you for it in the end. Kids NEED boundaries, and crave them. They push until they reach a point where they can’t push anymore, then they stop. They need a pecking order, or pack order. Once you show them you are the leader of the pack, and nip their proverbial little tails, they’ll back down.

K.,
I agree with all the previous responses, but would like to add one more thing. Give your child choices such as clothes to wear,activity to do,etc. This will help her learn to make better choices as she grows up and allow her to experience some independence. I truly believe that's why almost every 5 y/o gets mouthy.

Oh yeah... fresh. My daughter is just about to turn 5 as well and is having the same types of issues. When she starts to talk to me in a way that I do not approve of I stay very calm (on the outside) and say..." I cannot talk to you until you can speak to me respectfully. It is ok for you to tell me how you feel in a nice way AFTER you calm down" then if she waits a few minutes and comes back to me and starts in again in not quite the way I want I just say the same thing until she actually goes to compose herself and then she can tell me all about how angry she is. Usually this ends with her coming up to me calmly (after 2 or 3 times of me sending her away) and saying.. "Mommy.. it made me sooo angry when..." So that has really started to improve things. She is also getting very whiny/crying at random things lately and I do a similar thing, I say that I cannot talk to her when she is hysterical and I tell her she needs to go to her room and get herself under control, as soon as she is finished with her fit she can come right down and talk to me. This has also been effective for me.

K.,
I think this is normal for her age. My son turned 5 a few months ago and I am having the same issue with him. He constantly talks back. I try to consistently let him know that it is not ok to speak to me that way. If he continues and starts name calling, then I put him in timeout or remove some of his privileges.

Hi K.,
I am going through the same thing with my 9 year old and it started around 7 years old. We have other issues going on as well, recent divorce and move which I am sure does not help. I have however found an excellent easy read book that is working miracles in our house and I think should be a child rearing manual for all parents. The education about ourselves and our parenting styles is invaluable.
It is called "Setting Limits with your strong willed child" by Robert MacKenzie
Hope this helps and good luck

Hi K.,
I have six children at home and have had the back talking issue several times.I agree with the above responses except the time out.I tried the time out thing and it didn't help at all the problem just got worst.I then tried to smacking the behind once and the back talking calmed down.It took a couple of poppings and taking away their games but everything fell in place.I now don't have the problem,I let them know that I was the grown up and they must give me the same respect that is given to them.See I talk to them with respect and listen to everything thats on their mind.Even when I really don't care to hear it I still listen.Sometimes our children learn from other children at school and maybe that is what is going on with your daughter.She may have seen another child do act that way with their parent and she is coping.SO you may want to ask her who she seen act in such behavior and let her know that it wont be tolerable in your household.

I am having the same problem with my daughter. What has been working is I either don't respond and tell her that I am not going to talk to her until she is polite and apologizes for what she says. This makes her acknowledge that what she is doing is wrong. And it may take awhile but when she wants something or needs help she will apologize and start being nice. We also spend a lot of time in time out. When she is done she has to apologize for her behavior. You as a mother just need to respond so that she knows that you will not except this behavior.

Your daughter is growing up and spreading her wings. Some of this is bound to happen. Just let her know that what she's saying is inappropriate. She has a right to be unhappy that she had to stop playing, and crying is okay, but she doesn't have a right to be rude and nasty. If she can't contain herself apprpriately in public, she can go to her room and re-join the family when she can act appropriately.

Do listen to what she's saying,however. What constitutes "mean"? to you? Think about life from her perspective and see if she is right or not. It's always a good exercise. And next time you do something for a short period of time, let her know in advance that we won't be there for long. That way, even tho she doesn't want the fun to stop, she'll be better prepared. My kids were NEVER ready to leave the playground when I was. So I would start that process earlier than planned, and then you can give her 10 more minutes, giving her a little power over the situation, and bargaining with her, that if you give her 10 minutes, she comes willingly home.

Whatever you do, be consistent. Because consistency is what's important. It' not a matter of power, it's not a matter of manipulation, it's a matter of boundaries. They have to change as our children grow up, but be aware of where they are, whether they are appropriate and try to handle the times your child crosses your "line in the sand" in a similar way each time. It's gonna happen all their lives, so use the current time to think it through, allow your daughter to express her frustration, but hold the line as long as you believe it is appropriate.

And yes, these things come and go. It's not a forever thing. It's part of growth. She's trying to have more control over her environment, and you have to fdecide when it's appropriate for that to occur and when you need to control that. (the control over the environment, not the lashing out at mom. She needs to know you are the boss and that when she can't control her tongue, she should go to her room rather than disrupt everyone else's life with it)

Hi K.,

Read the eForum about restorative practices being used in Preschool at: ____@____.com

I would suggest you find a parenting support group and classes.

All the Best. D.