Please Help Me. I Need to Tell My 4 Yo His Dad and Are Getting Divorced.

If and when he asks questions just answer with what a 4 yr old needs to know.

tough times, wish I had a magical answer for you. It's a shame that parents have to do this.

Kids are WAAAY more adaptable than we are. He will adjust. They will be ok. YOU will be ok.

If YOU'RE freaked out about it, HE'LL be freaked out about it.

Be very matter of fact. Do not say negative this about his father. Remind him often how loved he is by both of you.

You will STILL be a family, even if you live in two different houses.

Anyway, frankly, I wish you WOULD give us more detail, we don't mind.

Thinking about you, hope you'll tell us more and keep us updated.

Take a deep breath. Be good to yourself.

:)

My M. left my dad when I was 4. (My brother was 5, my other brother was 2 and my sister 6 months.)

She didn't take us with her though, so we stayed with our dad.

I will say that I don't remember much from this time period... so don't worry too much about scarring him for life or anything like that. While it IS sad, and it does suck, hundreds of kids are able to live through it without permanent damage.

My best advice is to make them feel as loved and secure as you can during the transition, WITHOUT giving in to their every little whim. They are going to have a hard time learning how to cope without seeing their dad every day (after all, they will still love him whatever differences the two of you have...) but they will still need a structured environment. Like Jo W said... just follow his lead. If he seems to be having a really tough time, you may need to find a book to read with him or maybe even divorce therapy. If he doesn't, great.

As far as telling him, I would go along the lines of "Mommy and Daddy aren't going to live together and be married any more. We BOTH still love you very very much, but we can't live together any more." SHARE the 'blame' equally between you two, do not let him think even for a minute that he had anything to do with the decision.

Honestly, I DO remember being soo relived when my M. left. My dad thought that they had been doing a good job hiding their issues from us, but kids are more perceptive than people give them credit for. We knew something was up, and no one in the family was truly happy during the time they spent trying to salvage their marriage. Sometimes, when it's over it's just over... and there isn't much that can be done.

The BIGGEST thing is to NEVER, EVER badmouth Dad in front of or to them... No matter how bad you think he is. My M. didn't see us for several years after she left, and even when she decided to get visitation she never paid child support... she did drugs... she didn't pay her share of medical bills... she didn't go to any of our school plays... NOTHING. She was a HORRIBLE M., but my dad NEVER said one bad word about her where we could possibly overhear. As an adult, I truly do appreciate that now.

Good luck with everything! I hope this is as pain-free as possible for your family.

hi.
my parents separated when I was little.
Just remind them that you both love them.
That you and daddy decided to live apart from now but you will both see them.
That your kids are perfect and fine and lovable.....

Keep reminding them that your separation has nothing to do with them.

also, for the 4 year old. can you tell the preschool teacher discreetly about this so she can watch for changes in behavior as well as give extra love and attention during the morning/daytime.

jilly

I wouldn't plan anything, just follow his lead.

My sister divorced when her boys were 4 and 7. He counselor told her to be sure to let them know that it is in no way their fault and that both parents still and always will love them.

I know when my dad left when my sister and I were young we both thought we had done something wrong.

I think that, as parents, telling our children is the hardest part. It makes it real and makes us accountable to the major life change. At the same time, kids do adjust. He is still very young and will adapt.

Just follow his lead without hoovering too much. A friend of mine stressed excessively about telling her kids and when she finally got up the nerve to tell them, her 4 year old just said "ok". Then he asked if he could have a cookie.

I am very sorry you're going through this. Best of luck and know that you will survive. During the lowest times, stop and breathe. Allow yourself to grieve and to breakdown if you need it.

My kids were 4 and 7 when I divorced their dad. My 4 yo was mostly excited that we would have "2 houses". He just didn't really "get it". =o/

I would just tell him the basic facts and remind him over and over that you BOTH love him but you are not going to be married anymore. May sure your husband tells him the same thing if it comes up during his parenting time.

Its going to be rough but you will make it. Lots of us have been thru it and have come out for the better. Good luck!