Please Help Me, I Don't Know What to Do Anymore! :(

maybe he just knows that that's "daddy time" and since he hardly gets to see him, and he associates you with "time to go" time, he acted that way because he just wasn't ready to go. It's his dad, he loves him.

I am a child of divorce and oh boy I remember this reaction from my younger sister to our mother one time.. I remember sister being confused and embarrassed/guilty that she was having so much fun with our father.. She was caught off guard and said something mean to our mother.

Sister just did not know how to react to the situation.. I know she felt bad, but it made my mother so upset, she turned around and left.. I knew she was trying not to cry in front of all of us.. Our father said to my sister, "that was not very nice to say to your M." and my sister just shrugged her shoulders.. I wanted to hit my sister and run after my M., but knew none of it was normal. These were the times, I hated being a child of divorce.. it was so overwhelming and so unnatural.

You love both of your parents, but you know they cannot stand each other, but they love us.. Counseling has helped me a lot, but I still feel anxious remembering these moments.

Remember he is only 4. DO NOT make him feel guilty. Just mention that you were sorry he was upset when he saw you. You just wanted to say hello and give him a hug.. There is nothing normal about divorce and as a child, you are helpless..

FYI, I was thrilled that my parents divorced.. talk about feeling guilty! Everybody else was falling apart and I was so happy not to have to put up with such anger with 2 people that did not love each other..

I am sending you strength..

I think he's just confused. At a young age, kids associate people with surroundings. When he's with his bio dad, he doesn't see you except for the drop off and pick up so he's not used to you and his bio dad being in the same scene. Kids that run into their teachers at the grocery store are often stunned and react strangely. They can be very extroverted kids at school and suddenly act shy when they happen to meet the teacher out of the classroom surroundings. I wouldn't take it personal and I don't think it's a sign of favortism by any means - just confusion that you're in the same scene.

When I remarried, my daughter was about 11, and we had been divorced from her dad for three years. She didn't like her dad and was anxious during visitations with him, but nevertheless, she became very protective of him and his foibles when she had a step-father in her life. I realized over a few years that she was confused about her loyalties – she hated it that she was treated better by her stepfather than her biodad, and the resentment and anger were directed toward her new stepdad.

As hard as this is to do, don't take it personally. I'm guessing your son is confused. He may even get negative vibes from his father toward you and your husband. He could be angry that you and his father are not together, and he has to get shared back and forth. He could be angry about the tensions he feels between his two families. And he's just too young to figure it out or talk about it.

Give him as much space as you can, be available to chat when he wants to (though he may not for some time yet), try not to "corner" him in a place where he'll have to demonstrate his loyalty to anyone, absorb his unhappiness with as much grownup grace as you can.

As long as he's fine when he comes back to you, you're probably doing just fine. If that begins to falter at some point, you might want to look into counseling for him.

That's gotta be tough, I'm sure. He sounds like a confused little boy and he's trying to have "daddy time" and seeing you, stepfather & brother confuses him.
I'd just try really, REALLY hard to organize your time & plans so that the overlap doesn't happen.

This is a very tough one. I would think that your son was just sensitive that you were there. Maybe he thought you were to take him home. He is 4 yrs old, he did not know better and the dad may have not said a word.........but he thought you were taking him home. I would not let that get too you too much. I am not sure of the other situations he did that.........but just sounds like he was not ready to leave his time with dad.

my thoughts on it is that your son feels that he shouldn't be nice to you if he is with dad, or the other way around...if he is with you and saw dad out.

My parents didn't seperate until I was married, but I have a stepson whom I have raised since he was 6mos. He is 10 yrs now. But I do remember he screamed and cried when he would leave with his M. and then scream and cry when he came home.

I don't care for his real M. at all, she is pretty much a looney toon..but I tolerate her and I try to make it as comfortable for my son as possible. (I don't refer to him as my stepson, I have raised him and I love him as my own)

I never wanted him to feel put in the middle, and to accomplish this I have had to become tolerant, and friendly, even if I hate every second of it. (my husband was never married to her or dated her for that matter...one nighter in college) But when my son got older he would want her to come in and see his room, at first my husband pretty much told her absolutely not...but I realized very quickly that he wanted her to see the things that he loved, his room, his favorite toy or whatever he was proud of at that time...now she probably comes over/in about once a week.

After I thought about it, and put myself in his shoes I understood. If I were him and someone told me my M. couldn't come in my house I would have felt hurt and sad and confused...so now instead of her just dropping him off and us not communicating, I have become very tolerable for his sake. And it took my husband awhile but he is on board now because he sees the positive effect it has on our son. So now our son knows that she is welcome and he doesnt worry about hurting our feelings if he goes to his moms or if he has fun with her.

So maybe even if you don't like dad or his wife, maybe you could let it all go for 15min and at next pick up or drop off ask dad in and let your son show him his enviroment...if he sees M. is ok with dad then maybe that will help him know how to react when he sees you and dad in the same place at the same time.....just my thoughts...its by no means easy, but when us moms want our kids to be happy and healthy we will do what it takes...the other plus is he tells us everything he does there..we never ask him how his visit was or probe him in anyway. But he just comes out with it. we like this because his M. doesnt make very good parenting decisions...in fact she has no common sense when it comes to what the kids should do or not do. Good Luck!!!

Laurie A. has a good take on it.

Don't be hurt, your son loves you. Look at it this way: obviously, he is having a good time with dad. That is a good thing! You wouldn't want dad to be abusive or a poor father to him.

All the other mama's I think are right. He's probably a bit confused by roles and what it means when he see's you...'time to go'? It's actually not a bad sign because maybe he is having a good time?

Is there a way you could maybe hang out for a bit before leaving with him to help him adjust to the transition? Bothe before you leave him and leave with him? You mentioned tons of problems and I have no doubt they are legitimate problems. But maybe all the adults can meet sometime and agree to put those challenges on the shelf when transitions happen so your son doen't ever feel the need to choose loyalties as a previous mama indicated in her situation.

It's tough to do when someone is annoying or crosses boundaries that shouldn't be crossed. So I'm not saying anyone has to like anyone. Trust me, there is someone in my life I don't like at all, probably never will because it's been 4 years and I've tried...good god I've tried! But that's between me and them, not my son...and when it is about my son I speak up and things get awkward and we move on with the expectation we'll all be civil and grown up around my son. We know it isn't as genuine as it could be, but others don't seem to notice much.

Just a thought that might help your son with smoother loyalty and transition issues that might arise:)

Just know, what the other mama's are saying is probably right on the mark. You are his mama and he loves you:) His behavior is simply a reaction to anxiety about something.

I understand he is only 4 and he may not know better but I think you should tell him his actions hurt your feelings and his little brother's feelings. I would also role play how he should act when he sees you when he is with his dad. I think you teach people how to treat you and if he does this at 4 and you excuse it because of his age then at what age will tell him it is not OK. If you wait until he is say 8 or 9 for example, then what a mixed message you just sent him... You accepted the behavior before but now it is not OK because he is 8. The role playing and conversation I do not think should take more than 5 minutes. I would not try to make him feel bad either. I would just bring it up conversationally. Also I would remind him next time he goes with his dad how he should act if he sees you out and about.

It seems to me that he values his time with his bio dad & isn't interested in sharing that time with you or anyone else. You invaded their special time & since he loves you very much, he felt comfortable enough to let you know how he felt physically, but probably doesn't yet have the verbal skills to explain it. I wouldn't take it personal and would in the future not approach them again if it happens, but just blow your son a kiss & continue with your day. Give your son a break on this one, mixed relationshis are hard for adults to process & cope, almost impossible for a 4 year old.

Sounds like there might have been some things said about you with regard to his time w/ you, etc. I've been going thru this for several years. Despite the fact that I'm the most stable thing in this child's life and the grandparents tell me they will do everything in their power to make sure I get to spend time w/ her, the "other side" has said all kinds of negative things about me. It is CLEARLY immaturity and insecurity on their part. I've done NOTHING to create any animosity between parties. Rather, I just tell the daughter that rather than tell M. she'd rather spend time w/ me, etc. how to best handle that so that her real M. doesn't get postal.

You need to talk to HIM and find out what's being said. If you play your cards right and talk to the child without obvious questions about what's being said, they will reveal them to you. Just continually reiterate your feelings and best interest for the child to him.