Ok so lets start from the very beginning, me and my step daughter had a "honey moon" stage when me and her dad first got together. Slowly as things went on it got turned up side down. Mind you she never had to do any chores didn't have to do anything but go to school clean her room and put her dishes in he sink when she was done using them. Well she became defiant arguing causing drama little by little. Then she began talking to me like i was a trash on the ground. She told people in her family that i beat her all the time, she told people at her school that..i have never even touched a hair on her body but everyone believed her and now they hate me also she got away with it, she never gets punished for her behaviors or for being disrespectful she broke into her school when she was 8 or 9 and was facing charges and she still never got punished. But after a while she stopped the non-sense it seemed great our relationship was getting better. Mind you we have been together for 5 years now..but then randomly out of the blue she would cause drama with me for no reason every other week she would get her grandma involved and that would be even more drama, she will call me or text me and just be nasty to me, if i ever talked how she talks to me i wouldn't be here to post this now ok!! Mind you she isn't as nasty to other people just me but when she gets a little attitude towards her dad or grandparents they don't say any thing, i am different if you are being disrespectful and talking to me like i am one of your little school enemy's i am going tell you its not ok and i am going to say something to you, right wouldn't you? Well when she gets her dad and grandma involved they say i am being a child and i am immature for even responding to her, but not saying or dong anything is not working its been 5 years already also they wont say anything to her nor will they give me advice or come up with a solution to fixing this now so it can finally end 5 years later. To top it all off i am pregnant with her sibling and cant handle any more stress than what i already have but i just want to have a peaceful happy life and every other week or so she picks something to snap n freak out on me for no reason and then it starts issues between me and her grandma and me and her dad and i cant and don't deserve this type of treatment PLEASE HELP ANY ADVICE WILL HELP
So exactly WHY are you having a baby with this man?
Sorry but I wouldn't be a part of this family, and I certainly wouldn't add to it by getting pregnant with their offspring.
Good luck with that.
This is kind of all over the place. Try to take a breath and put things in order - use paragraphs instead of just ranting all over and it will be easier.
She broke into school at age 8 and was facing charges? No I don't think so! At best she would have been suspended. Children don't "face charges" yet avoid punishment by parents.
I'm a stepmother, and I can tell you that the first thing you have to do is get her father to be a father. Why this child is getting her grandmother involved and it's causing problems for you, I have no idea. Moreover, it's normal for girls to act out with their parents and parental figures, and it's normal for kids to compete a little with the stepparent. Sometimes they resent the new person, sometimes they're actually testing them to see if they're truly loved by the stepparent. So a lot of what she is doing is also normal for kids and parents.
If you are an adult, you know how to respond to kids and you don't need advice from the father or the grandmother. You ignore a whole lot of things, and you wait. You wait for about 15 minutes until that child wants something from you - a ride to the mall, $5, whatever. Then you deal with the child calmly about her prior attitude vs. her desire to get stuff from you. It sounds like the father and grandmother have this figured out, which is why she doesn't yank their chains as much. You sound like you are overreacting to the child rather than disciplining her - which means being on the same page as her father.
And if her father is not showing a united front with you in front of this child, then your relationship is in serious trouble. You're also hormonal if you are pregnant, and you are trying to solve a 5 year problem overnight. I think there's a fundamental flaw in your relationship if this has drifted along for 5 years.
You can't just "have a peaceful happy life" unless you create one. You're letting the child run the show. You actually sound a little young and immature yourself if you are using phrases like "she picks something to snap and freak out on me for no reason." That it escalates into an issue between you and her father/grandmother tells me that the problem is not so much with the kid as with the adult relationships.
Family therapy and marriage counseling - right away.
Your husband is being a poor father figure and a poor husband. He LET people believe you beat his daughter? He didn't tell them it was wrong? He didn't let her have it for such a lie?
I don't think you should have had another baby with him. Not that this remark is helpful, but it's my honest opinion. Until you somehow get your husband to start acting like a father, things will NEVER get better.
well, not to side with dad and grandma, but this DOES sound sort of middle school. being a stepmother is a hard row to hoe, but so is being a stepdaughter. and it doesn't sound as if this poor child has been given any sort of reliable structure to help her find her way in her new blended family. her dad sounds like a milksop, and you and he don't parent together or effectively, and now there's a new baby coming and this young girl is rightly terrified that she's going to be shunted to the sidelines.
i'm not surprised that grandma sympathizes with her.
i'm not saying you're doing anything wrong (i have no clue, but you speak about her as if she's a peer, not a little girl) but since what you're doing isn't working, why on earth aren't you marching your husband, your step-daughter and yourself into family therapy? you all need much better coping techniques, and you're getting ready to bring an unsuspecting new soul into the midst of all this OMG dramaZ.
go get some tools and start proactively parenting this troubled child. do it today.
khairete
S.
The problem is not your step daughter. The problem is that you and her dad are not on the same page with respect to parenting. As long as he has a different set of rules than you do, this is not going to work. I suggest a parenting course for you and her dad to attend together.
Family counseling is most definetly needed. I would ensure this happens before you have your child. Very important to establish roles in the family, as well as discipline and being consistent. It feels as though your lifestyle is chaotic and unbalanced.
This sounds like very normal behavior for a child. She will push her boundaries until she hits them. She will periodically retest them to fond out what she can and cannot get away with. You and your husband need to set defined boundaries and punishments AND stick to them. She will do better knowing what is expected of her and what she is not allowed instead of this limbo she's living in.
PS She pushes you because she feels safe doing so. But she will eventually lose respect for the adults in her life if structure is not established.
Blending families is tough.
Your husband should not be tolerating her disrespecting you.
As a married couple - you need to stand together.
She doesn't have to like you - ever - but she should respect you and be civil to you as long as she lives in your household.
Some family therapy might help.
You don't say how old your stepdaughter is...sounds like a tween?
Can you three sit down and agree on some house rules and the consequences for breaking them?
Then apply the consequences equally to ALL of the children in the house.
With a new baby on the way, your SD may be acting out even more. You and your husband need to go to couples counseling so that you can learn to parent with the same style and support each other. Then you need to get family counseling so that all three of you are working together to be a family. Her attitude needs some adjusting, your husband needs to learn to support you and you need to pick your battles wisely and be the adult in your relationship with her. Good luck.
And is dad dead or something? Why in the world is he allowing this? Why didn't he make sure his child paid for her actions when she broke the law? He sounds like a real loser.
I'm sorry, it seems you are at the disadvantage. I don't have any words that are helpful.
Can I suggest you sit him down and let him know you're done? That you want him to know you gave him every opportunity to be a responsible adult but that now that you're having a child there's no way in heck he gets to parent it so it's just like his other child.
This young lady had no rules and suddenly you came into the picture and changed everything. How did you expect her to react to that? No offense, but you are not her parent and should have never been put into the position of parenting her. That was her mother and father's job.
Her behaviors sound like a little girl who is begging for help. Her parents need to take this child to counseling and help her deal with her emotions.
