Please Help! - Madison,AL

S., I had a similar incident with my stepson, and the his dad handled the situation. My stepson Brandon, was 15 at the time, 5 ft 7in and 220lbs. He purposley poked and hurt my 3 yr old daughter in the face. He then proceeded to lie and blame my daughter saying she hurt him. Like a 3yr old can really hurt a kid his size. I was beyoond myself, and my husband really had no clue how to handle the problem. I took the lead and would not allow him out of his room, no dinner. I finally had to get out of the house and when I returned, Brandon was in the living room watching movies with his dad and brother. My husband was leaving for a tdy, and I was going to have to drive the boys' back to meet their mom in a couple of days. I was ready to leave with my girls, however was forced to stay because of my husbands tdy. I prayed and found that I needed to pray for God to change me, not my husband. Sounds backwards, however, it worked. God led me to peace and to be able to express my feelings when my husband returned. I have real difficulty staying calm when I talk, so I put my feelings into a letter. I was able to word things, and not let sarcasm, or anger into the conversation. Please ask for prayer for you to change. God can open doors to allow you to find a ways to work with your family and to help everyone. Also pray for guidance either from your church pastor, or someone else with strong christan values. I began to seek counsel and it really has helped.

I wish you all of God's blessings. I will be praying for you and your family.

Bless his heart, I would imagine he's feeling inferior. I know it sounds crazy, but the best thing you can do is give him more attention. Maybe just go somewhere, just the two of you and have a talk. Ask him questions about school, his life,etc. The more conflict you have between your husband and yourself is not going to bring him closer to your baby. I don't know what the circumstance is between your stepson and his bio mom, but he has serious self-esteem issues. My son had this problem a little after his father's and my divorce. I just let him know I love him just the way he is , and he doesn't have to impress me.I know it's my bio son, but just seeing you're making an effort with his son, will help bring your husband around to your side of things. On the T.V. you can bring this up kindly to him while you're out on your date,with your stepson, and form a pact about no talking during shows.

Wow!

Um...I hate to say it, but I think you just described 90% of teenaged boys. He'll have to outgrow it. OMG my brother was such an idiot at that age too.

I think you might want to quietly let your husband know how yuor step son's behavior is effecting you. Remember to use a lot of "I" statements and avoid accusational statements. "I feel... when this happens" and not "When your son does....he makes me..."

Ask what boundaries you can set together for your step son. And good luck hanging in there.

Have you talked to your husband at a private time? It sounds like some counseling would be beneficial, maybe from your pastor. Focus on the Family may also have some resources for you...I remember seeing something called "Being in a Stepfamily without Getting Stepped On" or something like that. There is also a book by Drs. Cloud and Townsend called "Boundaries" that may be very beneficial. Praying this gets worked out.

Hi S.,

Wow, you have your hands full. My husband and I have a son(my husband adopted him at 2 1/2 yrs old) that is now 22, but at your step-son's age he didn't realy rattle a lot, but did know something about everything. His main interest was (and still is) cars. What helped us was putting him in touch with people that "really" knew something about his interests. It would give him someone to talk to about his interests and he was also gaining knowledge at the same time. He is now "our" mechanic for just about everything. When he got his first car, he was responsible for fixing what broke (even if it was stuff that he broke trying to fix it). We forked out the bucks for things as far as safety (like new tires when he needed them), but everything else was his responsibility-even his insurance. Be patient, there's not a whole lot you can do to change his personality, especially at this age. We even started sharing in his interests. We even started going to his races at the dragstrip just to keep his interest at the dragstrip instead of street racing. Teenagers do eventually develop a brain. My son is now 22, married, and just gave us a beautiful grandson this past week. He still has a really strong focus on his car interest, which is good because that's what puts food on their table. But as far as it being a hobby-his interest is now teaching his son what he knows and taking car of him. Soon, when your step-son reaches this stage in life-it'll be your turn to gently remind him of how he was at that age. Not neccessarily an "I told you so", but a discussion of memories of his childhood. In just the few years that it's taken my son to mature to this level, we look back on these memories and he will make comments like "Wow, I could really be a pain in the butt sometimes" or "What in the world was I thinking".

In the meantime, I think it would really be beneficial for you and your husband to seek some type of counselling. If your husband doesn't want to, I think you would still benefit to be able to deal with the guilt and anger, and maybe find some suggestions for dealing with the situation. Does he have a time when this gets on your nerves the most? Maybe set aside that time as quality time for you and your baby to play in another room. And he very well may follow you-but remind him that this is time that you've set aside to play with the baby and if wants to join in that activity, that's fine-as long as he remembers what this time is for. Is he responsible enough to watch the baby while you soak in the bath? If so, this could be some quality bonding time for those 2-and a 15 month old baby won't mind if he rattles incessantly. I definitely think you and your husband should set some ground rules for the family. If I set a time that I want to leave to go somewhere, I just get in the car at that time and whoever is in the car and whoever isn't stays at home. Just the other day we had made plans to go somewhere and my 2 youngest children, ages 15 and 16 were arguing over who was going to ride shotgun. They were still in the midst of their argument in the driveway when I pulled away and left them standing there. The shock of "I can't believe mom just did that" coupled with a phone call with a list of chores to be completed by the time I got back really got their attention.

You have to remember that each family is unique and you have to find something that works for yours. Not the easiest thing in the world to do, but when you find it, you'll know it.

Good luck,
R.

Hi S.,
Welcome to Broken Arrow. We moved here from Colorado almost two years ago. My name is W. and I am the 55 year old mother to a 28 year old daughter, Amie and a 16 year old son, JJ. In reading your description I felt as if you knew JJ. My daughter wasn't that way at all. But JJ, well he just talks nonstop and it's either about something he thinks he knows all about or it's something he heard from his best friend...who knows everything on all topics...get the picture? I swear they both are at least 30 or 40 with all the knowlege they think they have...lol. Is it something that comes with being a teenager? Is it something about being raised as self confident young men? Regardless of the reason our boys are definately vocal. I wish I had an answer for you...the only thing that works for us even a little bit is to remind him how disturbing it his by talking to him when he's watching one of his programs or is involved in a computer game. He gets the picture real fast now. I'm also in prayer that I can just understand what my son is saying when he mumbles and talks so fast.
W. Q

My daughter could have written this letter a few years back -- only with the addition of a few adjectives like sullen, sarcastic, and belligerent. She isn't a Christian, so was totally unable to cope. Since you are -- there is help!
1. Realize that God gave you this stepson as surely as he did your natural child. He is in your life for a purpose. If you cooperate with God this kid will make your Christian life blossom like nothing else ever has. If you don't learn it from your stepson, God will faithfully give you another chance to learn on a more annoying person.
2. Ask God for a true love for your stepson. He is the source of love and knows specializes in loving unlovable people. (Rom. 5;8)
3. Your stepson is disrupting your vision. You want a home life of order, quiet, and attention for yourself and your baby. You can't change your stepson. You will have to change your vision. Accept that when your stepson is home, he will be talking. Forget about the tv. You can watch reruns later. You and your husband will have years to spend together with your baby son after the stepson leaves home. Accept that this is the life you have now -- with an attention-grabbing, motor-mouth. If what you have isn't warring with what you want, you won't feel stressed.
4. Listen to your stepson. That's what he wants. He has been uprooted from friends and what is comfortable to him. He knows he has a sibling much cuter and more lovable. He probably has a personality that drives him to be the center of attention, anyway. So put yourself on his side. Sit down and ask him about his day. When he talks, pay attention. Give him time alone with his dad. If he doesn't feel like he is competing, he may not try so hard.
5. Thank God for this boy. Ask God to show you his good points. Be loud in your praise of him to the boy himself and to his dad. You be his champion. You won't feel like it, but do it anyway. Your emotions will eventually catch up to your actions.
6. Discuss discipline with his dad. Offer to back off and let his dad handle it. Is that what your husband wants? It's a terrible position to be in -- between alienating wife or alienating his son. If he wants it, take a hands-off approach. Refer any problems to hubby and let him handle it. Decide that dishing out discipline isn't your worry. And don't worry.
7. Get counseling. Does your pastor do family counseling? My pastor/husband does. If it isn't available to you at your church, feel free to contact me. Are you in the Oklahoma City area?
8. Remember that this kid is 17. He is acting like a 17-year-old. And he will be out of the house in a year or two.
9. You CAN do this. You CAN overcome this trial, love this boy, endear yourself to your husband, and gain a devoted friend for life in your stepson. You have to DECIDE to do it! It's up to you.
I'm praying for you!
S. B.

Hey there, It is so hard to be a step-mom! Kudos to you for taking on 4 children who are not your own. Us step-moms don't get enough credit for what we do. It sounds like your 17 y/o step son is a typical teenager. I know that doesn't help make things easier for you but maybe remembering that will help some things slide. As far as your husband, maybe just sit down and have a talk with him about how you are feeling. He might not know that you feel divided over this or that you are so upset over it. Stay calm and don't get defensive. (Its so hard!) Maybe you can come up with a fair way to handle discipline that you are both comfortable with. I read the book: "The Single Girls Guide To Marrying a Man, His Kids and His Ex-wife. How to be a step-mom with humor and grace". This book helped me so much! My husband read it too and it really helped him understand where I was coming from. It sounds like it is for someone who is about to get married but I've reread it many times since being married and becoming a step-mom and it helps me more now than it did the first time. The author is really funny and touches on so many subjects like crazy ex-wives and child support- the things we deal with all the time. You can find it on amazon.com by Sally Bjornsen. I highly recommend it! Also, the author lists a bunch of step-mom support websites. You might feel better to find some other step-moms to vent to as opposed to taking it out on your husband or kids. Good luck!

Sounds like prayers are your best answer!! Mine are with you!!
Have a fabulous day and god bless!!

At any age it is plain rude behavior to talk when someone else is talking or talk when someone is trying to, in your case, watch a movie. However, I do applaude the fact that you have a 17 yr. old son who wants to sit in the same room as his parents (step or paternal). It speaks highly of the two of you and his dad. My sister and I who have sons and daughters have already realized that the "guy thing" starts very early and they will usually always stick up for each other. We have already seen this from a 5 yr. old so I would get used to that father/son bond and not cross it. It's not a bad thing at all, just one that we moms, sisters, aunts, etc., have to get used to. Of course, we girls (moms, daughters, sisters, etc. have our bonds too and we think "the guys - dad, brothers, etc." are crazy most of the time but we still love them). Maybe you could schedule time when just you, dad and the baby go somewhere together to get that alone time otherwise, I think the more stress you show, the worse it will be on your relationship with the step-son and your husband. Your feelings are true and most likely exactly same that we would all feel, but you will have to get passed them. Your stepson who is 17 positively thinks he knows everything .. that's part of being 17, 18, ... but maybe he'll live on a college campus in the next couple of years and you'll have more quiet family time. Until then, have fun with the baby and involve dad and the 17 yr. old brother in as many things as possible and if it gets too heavy, maybe you can relax in another room for a short show and then return to the main living area with them all. Good luck and be proud that you have a family who will sit in the same room and talk to each other. The dad feels great that he found another woman he wanted to spend his life with and also great that his son will sit with him!

You don't mention how often he gets to see his mom or if he sees her at all.
I was married to a man with 3 kids from a previous marriage and when the youngest was a tween, she would act out when she came to visit. Turns out she was jealous because my daughter got to spend more time with him than she did, and she felt like her daddy had been co-opted. My ex didn't help matters because any time I said anything to him about her behavior, he would get defensive - basically, he refused to discipline her when she visited us because he was afraid that if there were rules to be followed, she would decide not to come visit anymore. Not being her parent, I was not about to start trying to discipline her, except when she was nasty to my daughter. Then I DID deal with her because even then, he wouldn't. Thank the gods, she did grow out of that phase.
Perhaps your stepson is jealous of the fact that the new baby gets to spend all his time with both his parents and he doesn't get to spend enough time with his mom. He may not even be conscious of the jealousy.

Plus, even the greatest 17-year-old in the world gets annoying - that's their job. Their bodies are pretty much grown, and their minds are still playing catch-up. Legally, he'll be an adult in a year, and will most likely be moving out soon after.

If he doesn't have an after-school job, i'd nudge him toward gettting one.
I wouldn't worry about how late he stays up playing with the X-Box, as long as it doesn't interfere with his getting to school on time (I assume he's a high school senior). Seventeen is too old for parents to set a bedtime, IMO.
I also wouldn't try to force him to come to church. My daughter decided at 15 that she was no longer interested in coming to church with me, and I figured that if she wasn't getting anything out of it, then it was a waste of her time to be there.

I would take a couple of steps to try to deal with this First I would have my hubby take him out by him self one a week or two to spend special one time with him. Second I would requard him to found a club of interreasted for him to join at school or a home school group if he is home school. I think he is worry the baby may take his place with the his dad. I also think it has not found a way to fit in around his new town and with a little encouragement maybe he can. H If he was b more successful in this areas he would not feel the need to be the family star.

You may need to go to couples therapy with a trusted religious advisor or professional counselor. (Not all are pro-marriage, so if you want to preserve your marriage you may need to ask around a bit.) It seems like your husband sees himself as a father first and a husband second, and so long as he is not committed to you - cleaving to you - as his wife, then you will not have a marriage, just shared childcare responsibilities. It's possible he feels like his kids have had a lot to bear, what with his divorce and remarriage (or did his first wife die?), and so he doesn't want to be "the heavy" or let you discipline either, and kids are clever - they'll use that to their advantage. Good luck - I hope things work out well for you and your new family.

p.s. Some books that may be helpful are:
"A Family of Value," John Rosemond
"How to Hug a Porcupine," John L. Lund
"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better," Gary Lundberg and Joy Lundberg

I've found them very helpful in my own life and attitudes, with children and in-laws, etc.

I have 2 boys, not as old as your step son but I do know that boys talk alot!! My son does the same thing. I know it is annoying but I try to take a minute to hear what he wants to say, Even if it has no importance at all. It sounds like he is looking for attention. Dad may see him on a daily basis but not spend quality time with him. {may not be the case but it happens when parents work and get busy} maybe he should spend some alone time with him and the other children, one at a time to build on a personal relationship. and also make a family night where you learn to play or do things together to build a family bond.

I know that this boy is getting older but it is still important that he gets attention or he may start acting out in a real bad way, not just the excessive talking.

Teenagers need boundaries. There are appropriate times to talk. Let him know before the t.v. show comes on that if he has anything to say then then you will be glad to hear what he has to say and carry on a conversation with him.....act interested!

Hope things get better in your home, God Bless!

You are not a bad step mom, you just have a very rude step son & a blind husband. Sit your husband down & have a heart to heart with him about his son. If that doesn't do any eye opening, you may want to talk to your minister. Good luck as most men have tunnel vision about their own kids. My son-in-law is the same way with my 14 year old Grandson. His daughter can do no wrong but her son is always wrong. Good luck.

You nailed it when you said it's "like they're in a clique and you're on the outside." As both a stepchild and a stepmom, I know exactly what you're talking about. There really is a bond there that you have no part in. And that's not a bad thing; it's just a "thing" thing.

My dad and I have always had a close bond. For one thing, we're cut from the same cloth, for another, we had 10 years of history (which was my whole life) before my stepmom came on the scene. It made it hard, as a stepkid, to not exclude her from our inside jokes and nonverbal communication. My stepmom didn't handle it well, and now that I'm an adult, I see her side better than I did as a kid. Children are selfish; that's one of the things that makes them different than adults :)

As for "liking" your stepson, you don't have to. Loving someone is a choice we make, but liking is a lot more to do with similar personalities and common interests, of which, it sounds like you and your stepson have few. So don't beat yourself up over that.

On practical advice, the first thing I'd do in your shoes, and this is entirely my opinion so feel free to take or leave LOL, is to set out some ground rules. Tell your stepson that it is important to you that, as a family, you go to church on Sundays and that everyone is up, dressed and ready at X hour. Insist that he get up and get ready, even if you have stand knocking on his door for 10 minutes to drag him out of bed. Learning to go to bed in time to get adequate rest is part of growing up, and he'll eventually get the message. At least, in theory.. LOL

My oldest son (my step) is one of those people who never stops talking. After a lot of experimenting, we have started to use the word "rattling" to describe his incessant chatter when it gets out of hand. For example:
"Blahblahblahblah..."
"J, you're rattling. I would like to enjoy this show. At the commercial, I'll be glad to hear what you have to say." And then I ignore him until the commercial. It took a few weeks of counting slowly to myself to keep from screaming at him while he kept going, but it did eventually start to work. The key is to really listen at the time I said I would. By knowing he WOULD be able to be heard, he got less demanding about it. I realize it's hard to be patient when the topic is not something you care in the least about, but patience is a virtue, or so I'm told ;) There are times now when I can actually say, and I try to say it calmly, "honestly, I don't have the patience/energy/time/interest to listen to this tonight. May we talk tomorrow, so I can watch this show?" Again, the key is follow-up. The next day, I have to set aside a few minutes to go find him and say "I'm ready to listen, if you'd like to tell me what you were saying last night. Or is there something else you'd like to talk to me about?" I often do this when I'm getting ready to fix supper, do dishes or fold laundry. He talks nonstop, so he doesn't expect a reply, and I have something to occupy my hands (and brain) enough to keep from going insane :)

Learning to listen to him taught me a lot about loving him. As I developed more patience with him, my attitude towards him changed. At first, I was very reserved with him. Now it's easier to love him like my own, because he's become my own in those times I spend letting him rattle at me. On his weekends with his mom, I've come to miss his chatter when I'm fixing supper or doing the dishes! I don't care a bit about his video games or the movie he watched at his mom's last week, but I enjoy his pleasure in having an audience.

As far as his dad's involvement, I don't know very well how to help you. After single parenting for 6 years, my husband was relieved to simply drop the bulk of the parenting on me. When I make a parenting decision, he basically just lets it stand.

Try talking to him without accusing, at a time when you're not actively upset. Tell him exactly what you wrote here about your concerns for your baby. Tell him the stress is getting to you, and you don't want it to interfere with being the best wife and mother you can be, and then ask if he has any ideas for solutions.

Balancing parenting more than one kid is tough, whether they're your stepkids, your own kids, or a mix of both! If the 17 year old were your biological child, you could have STILL written the same post. Your husband may be concerned about him getting ready to leave home, and so, want to "spoil" him a bit before he heads off into the big, cruel world. He may just figure "boys will be boys" and therefore not see which behaviors are problems. It may also be that your husband figures he'll have "time with the baby" when the older boy has moved on in life, not realizing it doesn't exactly work that way. A family counselor who specializes in step-family integration may be needed to sort it all out, and that'd be SOOOO worth the time and money invested, if it helps bring harmony to your home.

Try to see your son as a part of you husband when praying for patience. Which traits does he have that are "just like Dad?" Does he have any in common with the baby? If you can see him through the filter of someone you love deeply, it'll be easier to love him because of that connection.

You can also try to enlist your stepson's help with some of this. Ask him what time he thinks he needs to shut down the games in order to get up at X time in the morning. Let it be his choice, but insist on the wake-up, no matter what. (Note, did his dad WANT the games in his bedroom so he'd stay out of his hair while playing them, and so your husband wouldn't have to see/listen to them?)

I'll be praying for you. ANY 17 year old is a trial; you're certainly not alone on that! And blending families, even under the best circumstances, is never easy. But when has anything worthwhile ever been easy?!

Good luck and God bless!

You have the right to be comfortable in your own home. I think family counseling is important so you can set boundaries everyone can agree on. Your stepson may have issues from his parents splitting up that can be addressed.

Btw, I am totally against video games, do not let my kids touch them, and have taught my son especially (since boys are most vulnerable) that they will rot his brain.

S., you are a dear-one, and God loves you so very much. He would empty heaven of every angel if need be to come to your rescue. You are not alone in this or anything. It amazes me that we Christians have unlimitted power in prayer and understand/use it so little. Satan would have it that way. He knows that as long as he has you focused on the problem he has you bound. Remember Phil 4:4-8, 13 & 19 and Ro. 8:28. Pray for your stepson; plead the "blood" for him. Ask the Lord to give you His love for him. Praise God for him. (When we praise God in ALL things and REJOICE in the Lord ALWAYS. Satan can't use it against us.) Remember, nothing touches our lives but by God's providence, and He allows things to come into our lives for a reason. God is in control, so let Him solve the problem. You can love your stepson, but dislike his behavior...there is a difference. He is a child of God and needs Jesus in his life, too. It seems that the Lord has given you the blessed task of drawing your family closer to him by your loving, servant attitude. I'm praying for you. May the Holy Spirit wrap you in peace and power and love.

You all need to go talk to your pastor. If not him or her then find a christian person that deals with stuff like this. You need to talk with you husband, let him know that you love him and his kids. You feel that something is really wrong and want your family to work so lets go see pastor. PARY,PARY, God will work it out,just be open for what God tells you to do. Leaving is not the answer! I well be praying for you and your family!

One thing you might consider is when your husband says things like, "He's fine. He didn't stay up too late.", maybe he didn't really mean it like you took it. Maybe he was trying to help - to let you know that it really was all right so you won't worry. I think sometimes (well at least I know I do, lol!), when we are stressed we read a tone into words that isn't really there.

Good luck, and remember your stepson is an individual, and that he is about to enter the world of adulthood, and you want to make sure you don't burn any bridges that will hurt your future relationship with him as an adult or with your husband. He'll be off to college soon, but in the meantime, try to go out to lunch, and do things with just your stepson - and with just with your husband (I know it's hard with a 15 month old, but it's very important)!

I absolutely know that you care or you wouldn't have asked for ideas. Good luck!!!