OK, so I have to vent a little. My sister, who’s 16 years older than me, has really gotten under my skin and I need someone else’s opinion aside from my husband’s. He thinks it stinks too but he doesn’t understand why I get so upset, that I should expect this sort of thing from her. Regardless, I’m very frustrated and I don’t know what to do.
On Tuesday she called to ask me if I would watch her dog for her while she visits her father (we are half siblings) in Michigan. I was reluctant but agreed because I know she cannot afford to board him. She dropped him off on Wednesday, never called me one time to see how he is, never called to wish me a happy holiday and finally just called to tell me she will be here at 5 PM. However, when we first made the arrangements, she wasn’t going to be here until Sunday and we were going to go to the parade this evening. Now I cannot because she didn’t call to ask if that was ok, she just assumed and we’ve had to rearrange our evening for her. Another irritating factor is that this is the first holiday since our mother passed away. Aside from not checking in on her dog, she could have at least called me to wish me happy Thanksgiving (I called her, left a message and she did not return the call).
I really want to give her her dog back and just tell her to never ask me for anything again because every single time she does, this is exactly the way things turn out. She’s oblivious and my feelings are hurt. Background: I’ve tried talking many times to her about her behavior and how it affects me, she becomes argumentative and usually tells me I’m either overreacting or I’m the one who’s wrong. Am I wrong here for feeling this way? I’m sick and tired that every time I try to do something nice for her, she could give a flying fig. What do you think? What do you think I should do? I’m thinking of writing her an email where I can gather my thoughts and tell her that way and maybe try to avoid a huge argument. I really appreciate your thoughts and support.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your support. I needed to hear it - that I cannot change her but I can control how I react to her. I have gone through this with her more times than I care to remember and every time I'm frustrated, upset and sad but then when I have the opportunity to talk to her, I don't. I just smile and say everything is great so I can just get through the situation because as I had mentioned above, every time I've confronted her, it becomes a huge ordeal. So next time, I just need to not accept whatever favor she's asking of me and leave it at that. If it's an inconvenience to her, then too bad. I do think I'm going to tell her that it really saddend me that she didn't even call me to wish me happy Thanksgiving. We call each other every single holiday and this is the first time that we've not talked on a holiday. Be it that I did call her but in her typical style, she did not call me back. I think I at least owe it to myself to tell her that. Aside from the dog and not checking in on him, that was just rude that she wouldn't call to wish me well. However, going forward I'm not going to be doing her any favors any longer. I've never been invited to her home for dinner, I've never even been offered lunch at her home, she constantly asks for money or to attend events of her daughter's, she does not recognize events in my family (my children's birthdays or the birth of my 2nd son). Looking at all of this, I guess I have been overly nice to her. I simply cannot expect her to repond to me the way I repond to her but this craziness has got to come to an end. I have to put my foot down and as someone said, I will not be a doormat any longer.
I would go to the parade. Leave a note on the door that you will be back at 6:00/6:30. She can come back and get her dog at that time.
I would leave her a message & say, "I wasn't expecting you until Sunday & we have plans tonight, so I'm hiding the key..." Also I would start saying no, because it seems like this has been building up for a while for you & she needs to know you're not at her beck and call, especially when she doesn't appreciate it.
honestly this is just how some people are. I wouldnt rearrange my day for her. Call her and tell her that isnt going to work since you have already made plans but she is welcome to come after, before or tomorrow. Why would you let her get away with that? Maybe then she will understand and you would get a little less upset. Stop making life easier for her, while you suffer. Sorry, but this is just the way some people are and you will never change her
Hey I'm with Leslie. I hope you went to the parade and enjoyed yourself.
If you feel the relationship is one sided I would redraw your boundries. If being nice to her hurts you then don't go out of your way for her. I would just be better the person and politely decline. If you cut her off I don't think you will get the response you are looking for from her.
Also I wouldn't take the fact that she didn't check on you regarding your mothers passing personally. Everybody mourns differently and you two sound like polar opposites. At the same time it sounds like you are either wanting something from her that you are not getting or that you haven't accepted who she is. Maybe its both. Do you know what I mean?
Sounds like one of those things where you are used to getting hurt by her that you don't change the way you react to her because it's almost comfortable to be uncomfortable. Hope that make sense.
At this point you have to ask yourself, is she worth this much trouble and energy? Do you see the two of you having the relationship you desire?
Take care,
Trish
I have a half sister too and we are polar opposites so I can feel your pain. Having said that, WE can CONTROL OUR ACTIONS only. We can not force anyone to be the way we think they should be or to respond they way we want them to respond. You need to be less available to her at a moments notice.
I gave up with my sister many years ago. I told her I would be here to listen when I had time but only she had the power to change things in her life. I can make suggestions but it is her choice to decide for herself.
I feel less stressed now that I don't feel responsible for her choices. As for that matter, I was the same way with my children. I would listen then ask them what they wanted to do or they would bounce ideas off on me on how to handle a situation. It got to be fun watching them decide for themselves how they were going to handle things.
Try it.. it can be very liberating.
You're probably not going to want to hear this, but the problem is you, not her. She isn't going to change. Whether her conduct is right or wrong is irrelevant. You are making yourself crazy trying to get something from her that she cannot or will not give. So, don't bother to try to "make yourself heard". It's a waste of time because she isn't going to get it. If you continue to clean up her messes - eg, care for her pets - that's your business, but don't expect to be treated with any consideration or gratitude.
I do not wish to take up valuable cyberspace itemizing this, but there's plenty that goes on in this world that's way beyond my control. The only way I've found peace around any of it is by eliminating "should" from just about every situation. I suggest you do the same regarding your sister's behavior.
Good luck.
I also am in an argument with my sister this week, so your post has come at an interesting time. Let me just say this,how close are you normally with her? My sister and I have always been extremely close, so when she does do something to push my buttons I tread carefully. My M. has repeatadly told me, one day her and my father will be gone and it will just be me and my sister and how do I want our relationship to be. You are not overreacting, you are entitled to your feelings and should not be taken advantage of-this you should tell her she may not realize what she's doing. It is just how far you want to burn your bridge so to speak. I'm also the younger and have always felt like the older one, so I wish you the very best of luck in this difficult situation. Happy Holidays Sister!
Age has nothing to do with being an appreciative recipient.
Your sister has crossed over the line of consideration for your time and feelings. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it.
She knows you know about dogs, and care for the dog properly, so she asks you because you want to be the dependable rely on me sister. Perhaps, for a gift, you can purchase a day of doggie daycare, and don't take care of the dog for her.
Just say no and give this book a try.....
http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d...
Keep it handy and reread parts that apply to you...I did and continue to.
I feel your pain...do not allow yourself to be put in the situation again. Learn the lesson..you help her and she treats you badly.....if you say, I'm sorry we have plans she cannot hurt you. She will have to become responsible and grow up. People do not change and you are the only one (since you seem to understand the pattern) who can change it. If it bothers you that much next time you will stand up for you and your family and say no to her.
I hear your anger and frustration. It is an emotional time and you feel she continues to let you down. My advice is don't use email. No matter how well you write, an email is read in the voice of the reader and it can cause even more problems when it is read with a different tone than is intended. (I have had this problem many times with my SIL and brother. My SIL seems to find fault in all that I do and reads my emails to my brother the way she wants them to sound (adding her ideas about what they "really mean" and gets him all upset.)
You can't control her actions, only your reactions. I would have left her a message that it was not possible to pick up the dog because you had plans and gone to the parade. If she got the message fine you could reschedule, if not, you got to do your thing and she was put out because of her assumptions that you would bend for her. I learned to stop putting myself out for my SIL because it just made me upset when she didn't see me and what I do do for her. Now she may get upset with me, but I am living my life and doing my best by her and I can control how I feel and do not let what she thinks of me control me.
Also, I lost my dad and know that the holidays are the hardest time still (it has been years) and the anniversary of his death is even harder. I have had to explain this every year to my husband. He is finally getting it and sometimes looking back I can see, I have projected feelings onto smaller issues because it is easier than dealing with the real issue that is out of my control like missing my dad, him not being with my kids, my FIL not being what I had hoped they would have for a grandfather.
I could be wrong, but if you look hard, your upset with your sister could be compounded by the fact that you miss your M.. It is easier to get upset or fight with the loved ones that are still with us when we miss the ones that are gone from our sight. NOT ALL of your feelings are because of that, but it charges them with more energy and hurt.
I wish you well and do hope you find peace and a relationship you can find comfortable with your sister. Happy Holidays!
You can't changes others the only thing you can change is what you allow them to do that directly affects you. Talking to her will probably only put her in defensive mode and cause you to have another one sided argument. You will once again become frustrated. I would have gone to the parade and left a note saying when you would be home or a note for her to call you and let her know you had already had plans and apologize that you didn't let her know. This way she is a little incovienenced and after this time don't put yourself in this position...Just say no.
I have a similar situation and it can be a tough call. I agree with the others that you need to stop doing things since it seems unappreciated but I would not cut it off totally. Do it when it is convenient for YOU. I you have plans, she will have to find something else. If you just don't want to, tell her that you don;t want to. Since you had plans to go to the parade, then you should have told her should would have to wait until you returned. And don't let her try to give a guilt trip or anything. Would you have stayed home if you had planned a trip over the holiday just because she said so? If so, then you definitely need to take control.
Yes, I also come from a mixed family and at times it is just plain difficult to deal with and, YUP at times ya just wanna wash ur hands of them. However, My adoptive M. told me to handle my bio family in doses that I could handle. K. That said, she later expanded and also stated that if it was convenient for me to include them in my life then to do so, that it was considerate and kind. She also said to never commit to things if it wasn't convenient to my life, that I would resent it.. . .Yup, on that she is right. As for the dog issue, be frank with her. Tell her that if she does not intend to care for the animal properly ie nail management, shots, heartworm meds. There is just a lot that goes with a pet. It's like having a permanent 2 y.o. toddler. Their needs can be cumbersome.Anyway, she shouldn't have one. And it isn't too much to tell her that you feel taken advantage of! Tell her that your family has gotten smaller and you would like to take care of the relationships left, wisely. You cherish her as family but are unwilling to compromise your immediate family's feelings or schedules to meet her expectations or lack of attention to your needs.
It is good to vent to anyone who will listen. We all need that to keep from exploding.
Here is my two cents. I have 2 sisters no brothers and sometimes sisters can be a pain because all women are different. We all marry different men and raise our families differently. First, I think you should step back before e-mailing or calling your sister and ask yourself what do you wish to get out of this e-mail or phone call. Do you want to just cut off communication all together or are you just trying to get your point across? If you wish to just say I prefer we just go our separate ways then by all means e-mail her or give her a call and say what ever is on your mind. If your intention is just to vent your feelings the Lord tells us that we need to face you problems face to face. Not talk behind someones back or gossip about them just because we are mad. Again if your intention is just to get your point across that you are upset, I would either go over to her house or call her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you feel that your feelings are not taken into play when she dropped off her dog and did not follow the proper pick up time. Ask her why she did this? Ask her did she think that you may have had plans on Saturday? If her answers are rude and out of place, then you need to either take the rudeness or just tell her I think we need to take a step back from each other and think about our relationship as sisters. Tell her when you are ready to talk about our relationship give me a call.
You say you are mad because she called and said she was on her way to pick up her dog. Right then and there was your chance to say I am sorry but we will not be here after (what ever time you were leaving). Instead you said Ok and did not go to the parade. If you said that to her and she said that will not work out for me, you needed to say well I can leave your dog out side on the leash or you can come at ...(what ever time you would be back). You have to remember you are in charge of how things play out in your day to day life. By letting her come on Saturday instead of Sunday you made the choice to for go the parade so she could pick up her dog. You allowed someone else to make out your schedule.
As far as the phone call is concerned I would just let that roll of my back. You have your family right there with you in your home. Don't sit by the phone waiting for calls from others. Many people including relatives are very self absorbed. they do not think of others before they think of themselves. It is not a sign of immaturity, it a sign of selfishness. She may be turning 50 soon but that really has nothing to so with who she is. You can you say she just started acting this way or is it that it just started to really bother you. It is hard to ask someone to change to please you if they know no other way.
Just think before you act.
God Bless,
S.
I'm also with Leslie. You should have told her you already had plans for the evening and she will have to work around your schedule. You are doing HER the favor, and she needs to remember that. I suggest that you stop doing things for her. She doesn't appreciate them and you only get frustrated, so there's no point. Hopefully once you stop being there for her all the time, she'll realize she misses your kindness, and your contact with her can be pleasant instead of negative. It seems she doesn't respect you, and sometimes you have to exercise a little "tough love" with people like that. Good luck! I hope things go better soon!
What happened to the other 2 dogs??? If she gave them away, she is an irresponsible pet "parent" and you should keep the dog. Poor thing! Sounds as if your sister has a screw loose, frankly! I am adamant about proper care and treatment of animals, but I don't think she should have a pet, especially if he isn't cared for.
I am sorry this keeps happening for you. I really hope you went ahead and went to the parade!
Boundaries are so hard to build in relationships, but it sounds like you need some with her to help maintain your own peace.
Welcome to the world of self centered older sisters. I have an older sister who had a stroke and n aneurysm in the begining of the year.She and her husband did not tell anyone until a week after. I raced to the hospital (quite far away) one night and saw she was alright. I on the other hand had cancer.I needed support, told everyone and had lots of friends and family help me through it., This is all true. She must have been jealous that I upstaged her and although I was also fine, she minimized it and another brother (there are six adults here!) the other brother told me Wasn't I making to much of a big deal out of this cancer thing? We really haven't spoken. And my other sister wrote her a letter in my defense and older sister emailed to people we were related to except my mother and myslf. She has not spoken to us.I went to a shower for her dIL and she talked about her stroke the whole time. Her best friend did not know anything had been wrong with me. Oh how did I get off on this tangent? The point is older sisters were raised to be the center of the world, then along come us middle people. In my case the subject is illness and in yours, your services. I too went out of the way for my sister often over the years. Then every once in awhile when she did something for me she made it known everywhere for years.So y ou don't get to the point of not talking (like we are currently and my other sister will not invite her and brother for Christmasmay I urge you (sadly) to give her the dog back and do not do anything anymore or do not change things around for her. She will probably not change because sadly she is older and we are younger. And my sister is fifty eight and still a brat!
M. C
Wow! I feel for you. First off your sister is very rude. You absolutely should speak up, not only for yourself but for the dog. Clearly she is not a good dog owner.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your Mother, yes family can be very dissapointing, I too have lost my Mother & Father for that matter and since their passing I only speak to 1 of my 3 sisters. It really put life into perspective, I use to tell my Mother all the time I pick and choose my friends by my own values and morals i can't pick my family and just because we are family does not mean we have to be friends. (alot of people disagree)
You would not tolerate a friend treating you that way you should not tolerate your sister. She is very selfish, you deserve better!!
I hope you enjoyed your family for Thanksgiving!!!
I can only say I have not spoken to either of my sisters for over 3 years and My Daughter (5years) and Myself are all the better for it. I finally decided I did not need all the negativitiy and disregard for my feelings.
You were doing her a favor, she should be thankful for you!!! That's the problem with family they think you owe them and expect it.
Good Luck
Just remember whether she agrees with your feelings or not, they are yours and should be honored!!!
V.
I'm sorry you are going through this emotional episode. I have been going through my own and I know first hand that it stinks to be taken advantage of. I have been going to a support group and have learned alot about relationships and resentment. First of all, you are aware who and what the hurt is. You have done the first step to ackownlege the feelings, person and hurt. Now, this gets me mad to no end but the truth is anyone can say and do anything they want to hurt you....BUT is is how YOU deal with the situation that will bring the walls of resentment down and finally have clousure. Do not expect that the other person will ever say they are sorry...or even change. They may always feel that it is your fault for feeling the way you do and not care. However, you do have the power to write down your feelings. Write the person a letter. Read it, change it, read it again and then decide if you want to pass the letter on the the person who caused you the pain. But do not expect anything. If the other person acknowledges you and your hurt and says she is sorry that is great. But that is not to say it won't happen again. It is up to you not to put yourself into this situation again. You can only control yourself and what you do and how you react to the situation. I am just like you, I give and give and keep getting taken advantage of. It is only up to me to give people the opportunity to treat me this way. I know that I can't change who I am and will always try to help out the people I love but I need to put up boundaries of what I am willing to accept. You have the choice to tell this person how she has hurt you. You also have the choice not to be hurt again. And only you can stop the hurt and resentment. If you keep it and don't acknowledge it and let it go it will never stop feeding. And the hurt will just keep getting stronger and bigger until you can't see your way past it. It will poisin your relationships and your heart. Been strong and take care you, for only you are responsible for you and your feelings even if you feel it is someone else who caused the pain. I hope this helps. I know it is hard. I know it hurts. But healing beings with you understanding that you are incharge of your own emotions. Treat yourself well, put up boundaries and tell people what you expect from them and what they can expect from you. If you do this others will do the same, you will be respected and treated better. Do not be a doormat!
I agree with Leslie. And I wouldn't do favors for her anymore. Good luck.
Right on Leslie. I didn't read all the other posts but I certainly know the drill. Your sister will not change but you can change your actions. She will not "get it" - you know this so there's no use in going through the argument. Next time she needs a sitter, let her know that you're unavailable and don't give her an explanation. People who take advantage always come up with other options. It's a hard thing to do but you cannot continue the cycle - you'll be left feeling the same way every time.
I'm sorry for your headache and hope that you were able to enjoy your holiday.
Hi there,
I think in this particular case you should have just told her you weren't going to be home at that time, and not rearranged your plans for her.
Probably in general, you are trying to be too polite to her and therefore end up feeling taken advantage of. Perhaps if you just stick to what works for you, and not worry about being considerate, things will work out better for everyone. good luck!
My suggestion...you're not going to be able to change your sister's behavior, but you can change how you respond TO your sister. Next time she calls to ask for a favor, say "I'm sorry I can't." Leave it at that.
I too agree with Leslie. Go enjoy yourself and let her come back later.
Wow, that's tough when it is your sister!
If you have tried to talk to her in the past, it is just really doubtful at this age that her behavior is going to change. I think you have a couple of options here:
1)Just say no the next time she asks you for a favor. If her lack of gratitude is really hurting you that much, then take control and don't let the situation happen in the first place. I know that sounds hard, but it may be easier in the long run for you.
2)Make peace with yourself that your sister is never going to change and that- for whatever reason- she is not going to understand why you are upset. If you do her a favor, watching her dog or ANY other kindness, you must make peace within yourself to do it JUST FOR THE SAKE OF DOING IT- not because you want or expect her to thank you. It sounds as if she does not really have her life together, or maybe she is just selfish- but either way, that is all about HER and you can only control YOU. If you choose to help her, do it because that is the kind of caring person YOU aspire to be, and let it go at that, no matter how annoyed you get.
As for the dog- poor dog! Ask your sister if you can keep him for a while. Tell her you just loved having him so much and take him to a vet and get him cleaned up. Maybe she is just way in over her head and will be happy to have him off her hands and you will gain a new pet- if you want one.
I think the only way for you to come out of this feeling any better at all, is to take control of YOU in the situation and not to expect her to change. It sounds like you really do want to help her out, even though you're frustrated, so I hope you can make peace with the situation. Life is short- good luck!
