Play Dates with a Child That Is Aggressive

I second Martha's response. I am also a parent of a child like this and it can be very isolating. Kids don't understand that mine doesn't make a correlation between actions and consequences like most people. For example, he'll push kids on the playground, know he's pushing them but not understand that because he's on one of those elevated all-in-one playsets that he could potentially cause the other kid to fall off. His thinking doesn't get that elaborate. Playdates have to be heavily supervised - you obviously have to protect your kid - and will require a lot of patience. He needs to be shown how to play with your child, telling him no won't change his behavior. Instead of a regular child who would understand after the first couple times, it will take many many more times for this child to understand but it will happen. I have other children who are not disabled and having them see me show him how to play rather than yelling is teaching them to be patient and tolerant. And when he is doing something harmful and I do put him on timeout and tell him firmly that's not acceptable, I'm teaching them to stand up for themselves. It really could be a benefit to your child to have these playdates if you can get them under control.

My child has buttons that can be pushed to help make him choose to behave. If he's doing an activity he loves and it's taken away because he's misbehaving, the next time he's in that situation he's more likely to stop if reminded it will be taken away. Watching TV is considered a privilege and I use that quite a bit. If I tell him to sit in timeout and he runs away from me, I will tell him to go sit or TV gets taken away. He has hearing tests and he knows if he does a good job he gets to play on the playground afterwards. The important thing is consistant follow through so he knows you mean business.

Try to pick playdate activities that will result in the best outcome. Ask the grandma if there are certain things that he behaves better in doing. Find things that don't require a lot of physical contact between her grandson and your child if that's part of the problem. I know for me, it's easier for playdates to occur at my house because my house is set up for my son and he knows the rules here. If we go to someone else's house, they may not be as good at child proofing or their backyard might not be fenced (he's an escape artist) and in his mind, all rules we have at home are thrown out the window because this isn't home. Would this child understand if you were to tell him the rules of your house? That could help.

As a last thought, I would rather have someone be direct and say to me that things weren't working out than have them slowly drift off and eventually never talk to me. Like Martha said, if you're honest and don't place judgement I never find that offensive or insensitive. I know the realities of my situation and my child. Not everyone can handle it, not everyone knows what to do and that's ok. Would I if the situation were reversed? Probably not.

If you choose to continue these playdates...I would try to watch the boys while they play to get an idea of what "sets him off". Try to intervene before the situations get hightened. Does that make sense? If you can help teach them how to handle the problem before it becomes a problem...then they will learn more than if the grandmother tries to discipline after the fact. It is clearly an emotional response that this boy has a hard time controlling. I went through a similar situation with my son (except he was 2, and he was playing with others in his age range). However, I say similar b/c my son was at a stage where he had a difficult time communicating his frustration so he would just act out. He bit, hit and screamed...and I would put him in time outs, I would leave the playdates, I even gave him a few spankings (which I do not recommend). Once I got my head on straight, I realized that it was so much more productive to intervene before the escalation and pull him aside to cool him down and talk with him. I felt better, and he learned a lot easier. Now I am happy to say he is 4 and gets along well with all situations on his own. I can relax at playdates without fear that my son is going to cause a fight!

I don't think you should stop getting together with this boy and his grandmother. Your son will learn so much from befriending this boy, and he will be a more thoughtful man for it. He is learning how to handle escalated situations too. And, he is learning patience. Good luck to you!

Have a very honest conversation with grandma and find out what kind of activity will set this child up for sucess, then plan the play dates so that you avoid frustration for him, and monitor them at the point that you think will be too much for the boy.

He has no control over these things, but adults can usually do a lot to make the situation one that breeds success. Success, breeds more sucess and if you point it out and praise it, it is even better.

Always tell the boy what you want him to do, and not what you want him to stop doing, he will be better able to comply, and as I said before, success breeds success.

One more idea, from a Mom with kids like this...if I enjoyed the company of another adult, it was best for me to do so without my disabled child, not that you cannot enjoy the company of adults while the kids play, just that I found that my child needed more direct supervision that I could give her when part of the play date was actually for me to get out and see my firends. Could you try going to lunch first without the boys and then playing in a very structured enviornment?

Bless you for making an effort to help this boy. I means more to him (and his grandma than you know) and speaking honestly and without judgement is never, never offensive nor insensitive. We know how our kids are, and we are struggling to make it in the world.

M.

That is very nice of you to want to help your friend and her grandson, but you need to protect your son's interests first. What about a different kind of playdate-one that is more closely directed or where both boys are doing something but not in direct contact? Maybe doing a craft or a project on a simple level with you and your friend sitting at a table with them? If it is an easy craft maybe the guest won't be so frustrated. Maybe you could split the play date into sections since 30 minutes seems to be a limit of time. A craft or a game that you all play for a few minutes, a snack that the boy's make or assemble and then eat and then a few minutes to play together, closely supervised. This would all require more parental involvement that a usual play date, but it would give you more control over the situation.

I'd have a heart to heart talk with grandma about how you can stay on top of the play dates better. Its wonderful for you to expose your son to a child with needs, it will teach him compassion, but probably you and the grandma need to up your game and supervision to keep it from getting physical. Start observing what they're doing more closely and when you see the tension rising in the grandson, step in before he looses his temper. It seems like you are one of the only parents who is willing to encourage positive social behavior in this little boy and this is a blessing to him, and as I mentioned earlier, to your son too. Think of how you might deal with things if this was your child too, and you had him in your home... you'd have to come up with a plan to keep everyone safe, you wouldn't have the option of no more play dates, so obviously there is a way to make this work, it just needs some strategy! You can do it! :)

Best wishes!

Ask your son what he wants to do and then go with that.

Your son is old enough to decide what and how much he wants to tolerate.

Well, you could keep the playdate to 29 minutes....

You could talk to the grandmother and tell her what your son is telling you. If done from the spirit of helping, she should be open. However, that may or may not be realistic. It really is in the the 8yr old's best interest for him to learn not to pinch & shove, but rather to use other means to communicate what he wants or that he is unhappy about something. He also should become aware of the other person's perspective.

If neither of those will work, I would either coach the 5 yr old on how to speak up for himself and tell 8yr old not to do that, or watch around the 30 minute mark and then speak and react on behalf of my child. I would act FOR him.

I think it would be beter to watch for the 8 yr old getting ready to be aggressive and then speak to him and redirect him to something more acceptable and/or prevent his aggression. However, if the grandmother gets offended, I can see how that wouldn't go well. At that point, I would consider what is more important - keeping playdates or keeping your son out of harm's way.

Good luck! This isn't an easy spot to be in.

I'd talk frankly but sweetly with grandma and tell her that you need to change things so your son isn't getting hurt if the boys are going to be able to play together. The two of you need to stay close when they're playing so you can intervene immediately for both their sakes. Don't know if this child is in school but assume he has the same issues with other children. It's probably more a matter of loving guidance and learning appropriate boundaries than "discipline". Special needs children have to learn to get along in the world but his self-control issues will make adult intervention/supervision necessary until he can master these skills.

At these playdates, maybe you should step in when something happens and see if this boy's behavior changes, otherwise I would stop going. It's not fair for your son to be basically abused by this boy. Whether it is intentional or not, this boy needs to learn what safe and appropriate behavior is and your son shouldn't have to be the guinea pig while he learns. Discipline isn't always the answer for kids that have "special needs". He probably needs some other kind of help with that. Talk with Grandma. Maybe she can suggest some sort of help to the boy's mom.