Play Dates - Phoenix, AZ

If it were me, either I come, too, or my child doesn't go. That is, if I don't know the person well. If she doesn't "have time to entertain" does she have time to watch the children???? Sounds like a bad idea to me.

J., What if you called her back & asked her if she'd like to get together at a park sometime w/all of the kids & then go to McDonald's after or something? Give her you # tell her to give you a call when she gets more free time! ??? I don't know!? S.

Nope. When I have play dates for my son, the mommy and I always GAB too. Occassionally we trade "services"... like if she will be in my area, I may suggest she drop her son off or vice versa, but if she doesn't have time to entertain, then she doesn't have time to WATCH the girls, and in my book, well... I just wouldn't do it.
SORRY

my method of dealing with this was to always ask around of the other parents and see if they had spent anytime with this particular family to get a feel of what they think.

Then I decided if I even wanted my child to associate with the kid. Then I usually had a reason (valid because I had 3 kids and was busy too) that my child could not make it, but the other child was more than welcome to come to our house. I made sure mom understood she was invited too. Then I sat aside a couple of hours (not much more than that becuase if it is a bad thing you can extract yourself easily saying at x time you had to leave for something) for their visit.

My experience was that even busy moms would usually set aside 2 hours to chat and relax while the kids play. They would also glean from your actions how to deal with playtime for 5 year olds.

In my house 5 yr olds are supervised. They can play in a room alone if they are checked every 10 minutes or so. They are given a snack, they are not parked in front of the tv, and they are explained before company comes that as a host/hostess they are responsible to SHOW the guest where the bathroom is, where it is okay to eat (ex:not in bdrms), and house rules. Then the guest is explained a few house rules upon entry. Ours were simple for 5 yr olds--take your shoes off at the door (so they don't track in dirt), wash your hands when you come in, play nice. If you can't play nice you can call your mom to come get you or you can sti with me. :-D I find few 5 yr olds that break those rules. I find moms are happy to see their kids have a friend and know that they are welcome to come along too.

As for siblings, they usually come and it is no problem. I mean I already have my other kids there. After we have done that a few times I know if I want my kid around them and they know that I expect good behavior no matter where the kids are.

Oh....and I make the sibs play together a little while, then seperately for awhile. They need to learn to give each other space when friends are around, but the older kids need to learn how to be nice and include the younger ones occassionally. So we try for a balance of both. My kids always liked that. They knew they could have it both ways around here, just be nice to each other about it. ;-)

If all that failed then I made an activity mutual. Say we are going to McD today after school for a soda and play on the playground, would you like to come too? Then the kids can play on neutral ground, the parent will often go along or be glad to let you take their child. Parents will often let their child go to a public place because it feels safer or more fun.

Good luck,

This is a chance to help your kids make new friends in the community and a way to let you get to know people. ;-)

I agree with the moms below. My sister's oldest is 5 now and she got to know their neighbors Very well before letting her go over to play. Not only that, she popped in to check on her after about 15 or 20min.
Get the friend to come over to your place until you know the parents.(and older siblings in case there are mean older brothers you don't know about)

My question is, if she's too busy to entertain with another adult, then how on earth is she going to keep her eye on two 5 year olds? That to me is a sign that I'm not sure if I would let mine go. I know it's hard to say no but that just doesn't seem right to me.
Good luck!

I agree with you. I would not let my 6 yr old boy go to a friends house without knowing the mom and at least a short visit to their home. If she is to busy for you to come over every once in awhile, then she may be to busy to keep an eye on the actions of 2 girls. You could invite her and her daughter to you house for dessert one evening, and maybe that would be a hint. If all else false, you could gently tell her that it is a 'family rule' that you and your husband agree on.
Hope this helps!
~K.

Say that you can't make it, but invite the girl over for a playdate after school and invite her whole family over for dinner. THat way, you get to meet everyone, check 'em out, and make new friends.

Welcome to San Antonio! Hope you like it.

go with your instincts

Hi J.! I am a 37 year old SAHM with 3 children, 12, 10 and 2. Go with your motherly instinct! If you feel uncomfortable dropping your child off, make a play date another day or try to switch it to your house. Any caring parent should respect that. When my oldest daughter was in first grade, I thought every mother thought like me...lol!! I had met this mother at school a few times and she seemed ok. So off my daughter went. Come to find out she would leave our girls at the house with her older boys to go run errands. Not knowing the boys or that she was leaving...didn't fly with me. There are lots of things people will do with out a second thought because they just don't think about it. Taking your kid to a restaurant to eat and parents having several drinks then driving them home was another one I encountered. Sometimes it is a little awkward to have ask questions but so far they have all been respected. You just never know and talk to your children about your rules apply at their friends house as well.

I can see where that mom maybe wanting your daughter to come over so her daughter is busy while she gets things done around the house.

I know it is hard because I still don't even like letting my 13 yr old go places. I went over to get him from the next door neighbors one evening and the parents had LEFT! I was livid! I am not saying you have that to worry with just that I am understanding of your thoughts!

My suggestion would be that when you drop your daughter off, you run in and check out the place. Meet the mom, check out their house, and get a feel for how they live. If you aren't comfortable with it, just say you have a couple of errands to run and that you will pick her up in 30 or 45 minutes. Then have the next date at your house and invite the mom to hang out with you. You won't hurt feelings this way and your daughter still gets to play.

Good luck..

Ask to meet the mother, tell her you have a policy of getting to know the parents of the children with whom your child has play dates. I always use that policy for my five year old boy. Make sure the meeting is at their house so that you may also see the enviornment in which they live, you may also make a friend in the process. Also tell her she may meet at you house after the initial meeting and after the first play date so she may be able to see the enviornment in which you live. This has helped me with my older son, 11, as well. If I have questions about the enviornment or way the parent acts in their own home I just tell them that my childs safety and morals are not compromised for anyone. Hope this helps.

You're right to be concerned!
I would say "Oh that's too bad! I'll tell you what.. how about if the girls play here! I can watch them, get to know your daughter, and since you're busy - it'll give you a chance to do what you've got to do and maybe even catch your breath!" If she doesn't want to do that, or explains that she doesn't send her children to the homes of people she doesn't know- you've got the perfect segway to confess the same. At that point, I would suggest to her that you guys meet at the park so the kids can play and you get to know each other. This mom either needs to make the time to get to know the kinds of families her daughter's friends come from, or figure out how she's going to let her daughter know that she's not going to have many play-dates. In this day and age, everyone must be cautious.

Hi J.. I can totally relate to you. We just recently moved to a new neighborhood and my four year old has made new friends. When the mom's would invite her over, i was very apprehensive since i didnt know them. My feelings on this is that you need to be there the first couple times so that you know for a fact that your daughter is in a safe place. There are horror stories all over the news about things that happen to little girls and I wouldnt risk it.

What about a neutral location. I know with four kids it's not easy but an indoor McDonald's if cold....I'm all about safety so I definitely think you are doing the right thing!!!

Go with your gut. I would NEVER let my child go play with someone whose parents I didn't know.... let alone at their house. Stick to your guns. She won't be exhiled - she's only 5! Make it your business to get to know the moms/dads so this won't happen again. Volunteer at school, etc.

I agree 100% about meeting the parents first!! I would NEVER send my child to someone's house without meeting them first. If she is too busy to entertain, she is too busy to really take care of the kiddos. Maybe the friend should just come to your house!

You are wise to be wary of a play date for your five-year-old when you don't know the parents, J.. If the mother is too busy to "entertain" you (which should not be necessary since your attendance would primarily be to oversee how the children interacted) she would probably be too busy to oversee the children at play. Five-year-olds need to have an adult around for safety's sake.

Why not just invite the person who invited your child to come to your house for a play-date?
If her mother is basically a busy-busy person, she'll probably be glad to have them at your house. Obviously your hands are full with four young children - congratulations!
M. T.

J.,

I agree with you that meeting the parents and getting to know them is important. I had this policy all of her life, even in high school she could not go to a new friends until I met the parents and knew something about them. I would try to talk to the other parent and because she is busy suggest they come to your house and maybe invite her for coffee or something.

I meet my best friend by insisting I meet my daughters new friends mother. There have been times we have remained friends as they drifted in and out of friendship.

Good luck,

L.

I hate to say it, but it sounds to me like the other mom is looking for your daughter to babysit/entertain her little girl so that she can get some stuff done around the house. I don't think that she will be well supervised and that would be enough for me to tell her you would be more comfortable having the girls to your house since she will be busy, and make it seem that you are trying to give her a break instead of accusing her of not being attentive. Some people think that their children are a nuisance i guess! Good luck on that one!

Okay I would have to agree with you that you should put the safety of your child first. If this woman does not have time to "entertain" what exactly is she going to be doing when they are playing?? She either doesnt watch them or doesnt watch them well. Is she using other children to entertain her child while she does other things? I think you are better off not letting her go to this childs particular house. I think selecting another child and asking the mom to come with them is a better idea. Then you can get an idea of what type of mom she is and what type of parent she is around her child. Hopefully she will extend the same offer so that you can be in her environment and see what it is like over there. I wish you luck. Maybe you will get a break on occassion with this .

Maybe you could invite them over for dinner sometime before the playdate. This would give you a chance to get to know them better and feel out the situation. I totally understand your concern.

I suggest you sugar coat it. If she doesn't have time to entertain, then why not have her daughter over to your house... that way she can free up some of her personal time. Make it a win-win sittuation. Of cousre, take my advice with a grain of salt... I'm a 1st time Mom of a 4 month old.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps she didn't want to entertain your other 3 kids, which is why she only invited your daughter.

I agree with wanting to know the parents/family before dropping your daughter off. My daughter is 4 1/2 and I have always accompanied her on playdates thus far.

I don't see anything wrong with telling the mom flat out that you will need to meet her before the girls can play at her house. That was always the rule when I was a kid, and it will be for our girls, too. I don't know why things have changed so much in regards to our children's safety and why its supposed to be allright to not know what's going on in our kid's lives.

If she has a problem with it or can't find time to meet up before the playdate, maybe offer for her and her daughter to come to your house. The two of you can have coffee or somethig to get to know each ohter a bit and then she can leave to go run errands or do whatever it is she needs to do and then come back to get her daughter. Then maybe next time you will feel more comfortable leaving your daughter at her house.

Good luck....this parenting thing seems to get harder as they get older!
=)S.

My child doesn't go anywhere without me where I don't KNOW the parents. Personally I'm not much into proper ediquet, I've got to know that my son is safe. Playdates means mommy comes along too! Maybe you could just say, "Thank you so much for inviting my little one to come over and in the future I would love for my daughter to come over and visit but my husband and I have a policy that we don't allow our children to be anywhere that we aren't familar with. You know, with our children, we can't be too safe now adays." and if she gets offended then she will need to deal with that, the important thing is that your child is safe and protected.

The fact that she is too busy to entertain would tell me that she is not planning to supervise the girls very closely. I would be cautious with this one. Maybe you two could meet at the park for a play date or at McDonalds' PlayLand or something first so you get to know each other better. Go with your gut....

Diddo with all the other responses. I had this happen to me recently as well. A mother called and emailed regarding my son going over to her house and having a playdate. I've never met this woman or have been in her house b4. I'm not comfortable to send my son over there and he's 6 about to turn 7. Until I have a sense of comfort, I am not sending him and I don't think you should either. I'm like that with birthday parties and sporting activities. I don't know how some parents of smaller kids can feel comfortable in dropping off at birthday parties. Yeah, I'm sure the party mom/dad has all the time in the world to look out for my child as well as thiers and tend to the party as well. Not. So I have no problem in someone coming to me and playing over here. And it was so on point what some of the other reponses was; if she's too busy to entertain then she's too busy to keep an eye on the kids. She's looking for someone to keep the her child busy so she can have some free time. What decent parents would not want to get to know the parents of their kids friends. No one I would want in my life. So stick to your instink and your child will not be alienated just bc you did not drop her off for a playdate. A.

My thoughts are if she does not have time for you how much time will she really have to watch your daughter? We do not allow our kids to go anywhere that we have not met the parents first. What we do if they have been invited over is when we take them we go over and go inside. We introduce our selves and ask a few questions like do they smoke, drink, what their policies are for movies and things. f we do not feel comfortable we take them back home with us. You do not have to feel bad about it either. It is your child's saftey that comes first. Do not feel like you have to be nice to the other parents if you do not like their rules or surroundings. We are very big on the other kids come here so we have more control in our house. We have met many parents that do not raise their kids like we do and I am more comfortable with them here.

God bless you with those babies and he left you in charge of em...Whatever your mother instincts tell you stick to em and anyway she is just 5 not 16yrs old I have 4 and if I don't meet the parents and feel comfortable they just don't go and I don't feel back I tell the otgher parent I am just over protect or maybe cause I am still young and that usually does the trick with em (parents not wantin to entertain) Remember you are held accountable for their actions and what they see and do no one else....

In my opinion 5 years old is a little young to be playdating with out mommy, anyway. Try to make a play date with the mom, too. Like go to a McDonald's or Chik-fil-a, or a park and play. She really just may want another child at her house to entertain her child. I know that when my kids have someone over I can get so much more done. So, if you suggest that her daughter come to your house she may jump at it! Other wise, I personally wouldn't go against your gut. There are lots of us moms that feel the same way you do.

You might also talk to your daughter's kindergarten teacher. Mine was honest and pointed out a few kids that she thought would be great playdates and told me a little about the parents - whether they work or not, etc. You could even ask her "off the record" if she would allow her child to go play at that house. Just an idea...

If you wanted to be super diplomatic, you could offer to pitch in with whatever she is 'very busy' with. Maybe she is thinking all her energies will be directed towards the kids and she won't have time to focus on you. I'm hoping that's what she means anyway. My kids are older now, but we still have the same policy - they aren't allowed over at someone's house unless me or my ex-husband know the parents and have been INSIDE the house. The only way I can see to politely decline or interject is to just pull the mommy card - "I'd be glad to pitch in a help with this play date at your house and we can switch off next time". Whichever way you play it, safety and security is first. Good luck!

I think it's a bit unusual that she didn't invite you to the first play date as well. That, to me, is proper play date etiquette. I can understand if she was concerned about you having to bring your other 3 children, so if it were me, I would just be truthful and say "I don't feel comfortable having my daughter go to someone else's house without first getting to know the parents. Since I would have to take my other kids with me, I would be happy to host the first play date at our house. That way you and I can meet and you won't have to worry about 3 other kids coming over as well. After we meet, I would be happy to let Gabby go over for a play date at your house the next time. Would that be ok with you?" That's pretty much how it's worked with all of my daughter's friends. As long as we meet the parents on the first meeting at either of our houses, after that, it's just the kids and we all feel good about it at that point. If she's at all concerned about her own daughter's safety, she should be able to relate. Now, if you're also concerned about seeing their house before you let her play there, that's a different story. Of course, you can put some of your concerns about the other child's house to rest by asking relevant questions at your first meeting like - Do you have any pets? Do you keep guns or other weapons in your house? Do you have any other children? Are there any other people living in your house?, etc. These may seem intrusive, but if you're careful, you can diplomatically work all these questions into a friendly conversation usually without offending the other person. If you find that they have a pit bull that you're not comfortable with or that they keep guns locked in the bedroom closet and that concerns you, you can always make up some excuse for not letting Gabby go over to their house the next time they invite her. I would personally just be honest and say "Would it be ok for so&so to come over here instead? I'm just really concerned about .... I hope you can understand.". It's good that you're putting your daughter's safety first! That is always the most important thing. Good luck!