Planning for a Third

I haven't had to make the decision of how far apart to have children yet, but I do have a different perspective on this.
I am the oldest sibling, 4 and 5 years older than my 2 younger sisters who are 14 months apart. They are very close and often growing up, I wished that my parents hadn't waited so long to have them after I was born. They had the same circle of friends, hung out together, were best friends, etc. Just thought it might be helpful if you had a siblings point of view on the spacing of children.

Oh Lord! I have three boys, ages 5, 4, and 2. The first two are 14 months apart, the second are 18 months apart.

Unlike you, we didn't plan the third, he was a blessing! My mother had recently passed away and I lost track of birth control under the grief/stress.

I can tell you the pros and cons, and you can decide.

The pros:
The kids are so close in age, they love the same toys, shows, movies, games, going to places (museums, Chuck E Cheese, etc). If your kids are 12 and 11, and the other 5, they are not going to be into the same things.

All are in/out of diapers/car seats about the same time. Once you're done you're done.

My boys will all be in high school and college at the same time (well that's a pro for them to be close, but a con for $)!

Cons:
I sometimes see parents of one or two children, and think, "man, they have NO IDEA how much easier that is!" than having 3.

You don't get much one-on-one time with ANY of them. If you take one somewhere, your husband with have two. I really really miss that the most, the one on one time with each child. We all usually go somewhere together.

Eating -- I have them all raise their hands to speak at the table, otherwise it's madness.

Noise -- 3 become a sort of "pack" and run alittle wild and become deaf to the sound of your voice!

Overall Abigail, it comes down to multitasking and having to do everything at once, depends on what type of person you are. Easy going, stressed, etc. Knowing what I know now, we would not have had a 3rd so close in age. Right now -- my 5 and 4 year olds would be great with a baby -- but I have a 2-1/2 year old instead and I often feel like they are each missing out on time with Mommy. And my husband of course doesn't get as much attention either.

However, like I told you, my 3rd was a "suprise blessing" not a choice -- and he by far is the best baby (easiest) and he just melts my heart and I adore him. I often feel ilke he was a gift from my late mother... I wouldn't have him if she hadn't passed away.

Consider why you want a 3rd child? For you, for your kids? Or do you just want a large family?

If you do have another, God bless you, and you can do it, and I pray all is well (and peaceful) at your house!! If you wait, I know your kids will help you with the baby and maybe you'll then have a 3rd and 4th (so they are close in age).

Email me any time. ==V.

Hi Abigail,

Ultimately, the decision is up to both you and your husband and what seems right for your family and your situation. My husband and I have 2 girls and 1 boy - the girls are 8 & 9 and our son is 2. We had the girls very close together (13 1/2 months apart), and while I love the fact that they are friends (most of the time) and have always played well together, when they were a newborn and a 1 yr old, it was a lot of work and could be stressful at times. I'm not sure about your work situation, but my husband and I both work full time - we did not feel that it would be fair to our girls, to another baby, or to ourselves to have a third right away. We were busy enough and we felt we would have missed out on a lot with our kids if we had a third so close. So, we waited 5 years (give or take) to have our son - my girls were 5 & 6 when he was born, and I would never do it any other way. We both still work full time and we are able to spend plenty of quality time with all 3 of the kids. It helps a lot that the girls are older and can do a lot of the things around the house and with their brother that we had to do for them when they were younger. There are times of course when they want nothing to do with him, usually when he's getting into their stuff, but most of the time they'll do anything for him and he loves his big sisters. My husband and I are also older now and we've experienced a lot in parenting with our girls, so I think we're much more laid back and able to let our son do his own thing - we don't freak out when he falls because he's running too fast or he spills his juice all over the floor trying to pour it into his cup. We've been there before and our girls have turned out fine (to this point at least) and we just enjoy our kids a lot more now.

Christie

I have three boys. The first two are 16 months apart and then number 2 and 3 are 23 months apart. They are now 14, 13, 11. I absolutely love it and would do it the same way all over again. I did it so they would have the similar interests and skill levels. They have a great time together, play together all the time, interested in each others friends, same interests in tv shows, games, movies, etc. It is great at amusement parks as we can stick in the same area for rides as all are able to go on the same ones. At one time I was contemplating a 4th but child would have been a few years behind the other three and I thought that one would be left out and lonely as the other three are so close in age and have such a good time - I wasn't willing to provide a 5th playmate! Good luck in your decision, closeness has worked perfect for us! I can't think of any negatives to our decision and situation.

I would not wait that long. My first 2 are 25 months and 3 days apart. We tried for the third since my second child was about 10 months. My second and third children are about 5 years apart. My oldest will graduate in 2014, the second in 2016 and the last in 2021. It is easier to get them all done sooner. Also, you get your life back sooner, LOL!

pardon me , but are you out of your mind ?
a third child when you are already exhausted with two ??
you dont have a child just to get it out of the way
you need something to do, get a hobby
be a foster parent to another child to see if you have
the energy for a third
K. h.
brand new mommy

I had my 1st 2 just 2 years apart and my hands were full with them. We waited awhile for #3-mainly because #2 was such a challenge that I wasn't sure that we could handle a 3rd boy if that's what we had. My boys were 6 1/2 & 4 1/2 when my daughter was born and it has worked very well in our family. I will say that there were times I wondered what I was thinking-going back to diapers, waking up at night, etc when we were beyond that, but she has been such a tremendous blessing in our lives. My boys were old enough to be a little helpful & not quite as needy of me. I have cherished her babyhood since I know how fleeting it is. My concern about having 3 in rapid succession is that their babyhood will fly by in an exhausting haze. The other issue is the running that is inherent with kids-we are fortunate that our oldest is now able to babysit for short periods of time, which really helps. Yes, we will have kids in school forever, but I wouldn't trade my girl for anything! Good luck to you & ultimately, you need to do what feels right for your family!

Hi Abigail,
I love your name by-the-way. My daughter's name is Abigail and we always call her Abigail and not Abby.
I have 3 kids. The first two were 2 years apart and the third was 3 years later. It may just be something to do with the varying personalities of my children, but I definitely found the 3 year gap to be better. There were less jealousy issues, it was all round easier because my second child was out of diapers and able to do more for herself by the time my third had come along, my eldest was in preschool every afternoon by that time, and then in Kindergarten the following year so I didn't have them all three home with me at the same time so much.
Someone told me that after you have 2 children, adding more is not much extra work! I found that to be quite untrue and even having a very capable 5 year old and 3 year old who was determined to be independent, I was exhausted for the first year or two after having the third child. I can only imagine this would be more so if the children were all younger and less able to do things for themselves.
Of course, everybody is different and maybe you would manage splendidly with 3 tiny ones, some people do. I'm wondering if your husband is concerned about finances because of course adding a child means an extra expense or maybe he is just plain old exhausted with a new baby in the house and not getting enough sleep and can't imagine going through it all again so soon. You can only talk to him and find out exactly what his reason is for wanting to wait for another 5 years before going for the third. Whatever you decide, all the best,
L. P
www.YouCanWorkFromYourHome.com

I had my first 2 children 15 months apart. I wanted my children close in age. We, my husband mostly, was done with planning for a bigger family. We sold everything but the crib. Then after he heard me say I wanted a big family he came to tell me we could have 1 more. We started planning asap because I was thrilled to have another. So now I have a 5 year old, son to be 4 and a 10 month old. THe ages are great. The 4 & 5 year old play nicely now together (a boy and a girl). They can play and entertain the 10 month old when I am cooking/cleaning/making calls/etc. The oldest enjoys the baby and knows how to play nicely. The 3 year old is kinda rough and doesn't understand totally that the baby isnt a doll and you cant squeeze, pick it up, lay on it, etc. I would say the ages are perfect since I have so much more to do with 3 kids and cant supervise them playing all of the time.

I say do it....we are planning for our fourth and we are excited. We have two older ones who are very close in age and then we have our 1 yr old who is almost 2(march). I wanted the little one to have someone to be close with like the older ones(the little one is about 3 yrs from other two). I hope that made sense..lol.If you and ur husband want more then I say do it. My opinion is that having them close in age is better.

I am writing from the prospective of your husband. He wants to wait that long for a reason. I suggest discussing it extensively. I would not just get pregnant. You need to determine why he want to wait for 5 years. Maybe you can reach a compromise.

Hi

I have 3 kids and they are all exactly 2 1/2 years apart , we planned it this way as we didn't want too big an age gap but I was never keen on getting pregant with another child in the first year of a previous child (personal choice not that I think there is anything wrong with that). They are now 6 1/2 , 4 & 18 months. A little more busy since the baby has become a fully fledged walker but not too bad that I struggle. I do think in your situation where you have 2 close together , to wait 5+ yrs for the next is a bit long , it will be like starting all over again and the youngest would be like an only child , and then you may find yourself wanting a 4th quite soon after so that he/she has some company. If your husband really does not want another just yet , is he open to compromise on the wait time? Like say 2-3 yrs?? Worth a try if you both really want another child. I love having 3 , and up until a few months ago would have happliy had a 4th , but now that she is a little person that moves/runs I am happy to stick with what I have (I know my limits and I have reached it)!!!.

Good luck

K.

I would talk more with DH about this....you have to agree or one of you will resent the decision of the other. I would consider my age first of all - did you have the first two young? If you wait 5 more years, I would consider our ages and when they will be out of the house, etc....when do you want to retire, have the kids move out, etc...? If you had the first two later in life, then the third would be even later and you may be ready for another phase of life at that point...but if you're young, then you have plenty of time to wait.
Also, I would think about if you are stopping at 3 kids or would consider possibly having a 4th. If you have babies 2 and 3 5 years apart, then the 3rd child will basically be on his own developmentally...the first two will be close and the third may even feel like an only child...but if you have 4, you could space #3 and 4 closer together if you want him to have a sibling closer to him.
In my experience, my husband started young, but I waited till I was older, so I got married and had two step children who are now 8 and 12....and I am due with my first bio-baby in January, so she will be considerably behind the other two - they are 3.5 years apart and get along, but are starting to argue and have less in common since he started junior high, etc, but they will still be closer to each other than to my baby because of the age gap. But in some cases it is easier - DSS goes to the bus stop earlier so I can focus on one child at a time now and the homework for junior high is harder, so i can focus on helping him since she is not in junior high yet and her homework is easier...
Although, the pros of waiting would be that they were a handful when we were first married - they were 5 and 8 and a baby added to the mix would have been chaos. (You should also consider financially what would be easier - you have to possibly buy a larger vehicle - we just switched to a minivan, buy more food, diapers, etc). However, now that they are older, they are more able to help me with housework while I am pregnant and will be a help with the baby, and they can take care of themselves when it comes to going to the bathroom, heating up food, picking up their toys, etc...and no diapers!!! I can focus on the baby and not have to worry about taking care of 3 helpless little ones. We are debating on #4 - we will see how #3 goes, but I think it would probably be nice for #3 to have a little brother or sister close in age to her.....so you and DH can decide what will be easiest and best for the two of you and implications and blessings of both sides. Good luck!! Let us know what you decide.

We are planning for a third. We always figured the second and third would be closer than the first and second. We got pregnant with our daughter right after our son turned two. I have hypothyroidism, but it was undiagnosed, so I had a terrible pregnancy and a great recovery initially, but then my health very quickly deteriorated. I was diagnosed about a year ago though, and so my health is much better than it was-and getting better everyday. Initially, we chose not to b/c of how bad my pregnancy was, and how bad the first year of my daughter's life went for me. I have to get my check-up in a few months and what we decide from there depends on how all of my results are. If everything is great, we may start trying next summer. But, I've noticed more and more lately that my daughter is getting more and more clingy. I feel like she really NEEDS a lot of attention and holding, and I know with a newborn that would be limited, so we'll see how things are going this summer (it might be b/c we moved in August), but I've got time to get pregnant, and if she needs me so much now... A completely different aspect is the one of my SIL. Her pregnancies were perfect and her first son is 20 mo old and her second is 5 mo old. She wanted to wait initially for 5 years, then have 2 more in a similar time-frame as the first two. She doesn't want to wait quite that long anymore, but wants to make sure her second son is no longer nursing, b/c being preg with the second impacted the milk flow for the first.