PhD Mommies -Crazy to Do It Now?

It would be great if someone who has little kids and is working on her PhD could answer and shed some insight. I just don't think someone in that position would have time to be on mamapedia.

I finished my PhD in SOC in June 2010--with a 3 year old son and 5 months pregnant with my other son. So, it can be done--but it's not for the faint of heart!

I have a number of questions for you:
A) Would your family have to relocate for you to start a program?
B) Would you be able to get a tenure-tracked position where you're working now or would you have to relocate when/if you get a job?

I think those are questions (particularly B) that my grad school friends (myself included) didn't consider.

So, can you do it. Absolutely, but it is really, really hard in a variety of ways. First, you will likely be the only woman in the program with children and faculty may be openly hostile to the fact that you have a family (it's "environmentally unsound" for example). But, you can take my approach and mentally give them the finger every time you meet and avoid them like the plague. I was the only woman that I know that had a child in the program and finished--I'm not sure how I did it, but I do give my partner a TON of credit. He was also a PhD candidate at the same school and we "tag-team" parented.

Here are the "good" things. Often there are fantastic childcare centers and students get a subsided rated; it's expensive but not awful. You will probably be teaching less--I taught one class a term--and once course work is over it's up to you organize your time. My friends all struggled with writing a dissertation because their time was so unstructured. I didn't have the luxury to worry about writing it--I had 2 hrs a day of childcare and so I wrote. We didn't have any family where we lived so we worked all the time. I put my son down for a nap and wrote. Put my son to bed and wrote.

You will not be the same student when you return. If you do it and if you want to finish you can't be a perfectionist and sometimes you have to settle for being good enough. That was a hard, hard reality for me; but probably something that will serve me well. But, a done dissertation is a good dissertation.

My house is always cluttered and needs a deep cleaning, we rarely put our laundry away, we eat black bean burritos or waffles for dinner many nights a week; but my sons are beautiful and perfect and I love being a Sociology Professor. And I can promise you they are not neglected :). In some ways I think it serves them well because I don't have time to sweat the small things--if my son wants to wear his clothes backwards I let him, if he wants to put his boots on and play in the mud and it means I can sit on the porch and read that's great! If someone is coming to visit me and my car is a disaster, well it's a disaster--I've got bigger fish to fry than worrying about whether my car is clean! This means that I am either activity working or actively parenting which means that my "me" time is laughable (but isn't that true for all moms?).

I know it's lots of information! Feel free to private message me if you've got more concrete questions.

I also found the book "PhD Mama" to be really helpful.

I feel like you've gotten a lot of "downer" answers, so I just wanted to add a positive one. Hopefully, if you're going for a PhD in sociology, you are aware enough to notice the inherent problems with "if you can ask you husband to *help* with childcare and housework." Excuse me? Are they his kids? His house? He's not "helping," he's pulling his weight in a partnership. YES, it is hard to get a PhD, with or without kids. YES, working full time with kids is also tough. BUT, as a tenured prof, my life is crazy, my house is usually a mess, and I wouldn't change any of the innumerable blessings in my life. My kids have no doubt that I love them and am there for them--and that I also have an important, meaningful role outside of the home. DD LOVES coming to school with me, and I think it's a great example for her. So, by all means, do what's in your heart--if that means getting a PhD, you'll find a way to work it out. It will be messier than you would hope, but life's that way, too. GL!

I would really recommend waiting until your youngest is in school. You can't do it all- none of us can. Something has to give. Either you will be miserable because you don't have enough time for the kids and will be plagued with guilt or you won't be dedicating as much time to studying as you feel you need to and will feel stressed out all the time. Until then, find ways to save money where you can.

Well I graduated with my doctorate with three little ones. I only worked part time, taught two classes at the local university. Let me Judt tell u that my marriage suffered, my children sacrificed and my household was a mess. And I don't mean my kitchen. I mean doctors appts, parent teacher conferences, gymnastics, tutoring, etc etc. I didn't go to the gym for the last three years of schooling which was pretty much judt dissertation. My mom lived with me and we had babysitters and the occasional housecleaner. Now my students call me Dr. But my husband and I have just ended months of therapy to undo the damage done. My daughter is struggling in school still. Often I get praise....how did u do it with three young girls. I tell them I am not sure I did do it. It's time that I can never get back with my family. I still question weather or not it was worth it. You should also weigh the cost of loans versus the increase of pay. It really might not be worth it. Especially with budget cuts. Oh, by the way my health suffered as well. You might be super smart and discipline but a doctorate and dissertation are nit anything like undergrad. That is why so many people are ABD, all nut dissertation. How r ur Kids and marriage supposed to be number one if your going to school? School becomes my
Becomes number one that is until you have to take a kid to the doctor or ER. And my husband was a very involved!!' good luck!

My mom earned her PhD when I was 14 and my sister was 9 (mom was 40). She did it in three years, so we were 11 and 6 when she started. She was a prof. and worked part time while she went to school. I honestly do not feel like we were neglected while she was doing any of it-- in fact, I went to her defense for her dissertation and I still think thats really cool! Obviously, we were older than your kids. I didn't finish college...met my husband, got married, started our family right away. Anyway, I do plan on going back, but I don't think its possible until my youngest is in school. I want to start taking some classes, but I don't think I can handle more than one class per semester at a time (I also have 4 kids, not 2). Really only you can decide.

Edited- You should really listen to Gee R. Although I don't feel like I personally suffered while my mom was in school, my parent's marriage did suffer greatly. They even had a trial separation right after my mom finished up...my dad resented her and the loss of income for three years, etc., etc. They went to counseling and eventually worked everything out, but it took some time to get back on track. My mom originally went so she could get 10 year at the University she was working at, but she ended up in another direction and basically switched careers altogether. She now makes about 10 times what she did as a professor (I am not exaggerating even slightly), so for her, furthering her education was 110% worth it from the financial aspect. She too had health issues while in school and just as it took time to repair her marriage, it took her years to get back to where she was health-wise before she started school.

Some questions just almost answer themselves. If you are tired now and add full time school and the extra work it will involve, there won't be much left for your husband and children.

Blessings....

You just do it. I went back for my PhD with a 2 y/o and a 4y/o, my friend had a 10 month old, 6 y/o, and a 10 y/o. My friend finished in 3 years and I'm still working on it. It is possible, but I must say not easy. I work when they are asleep or at day care/school and occasionally just have to lock myself in my office to get it done. My husband also picked up alot of slack. Good luck.

Well, I became a mommy after I finished my PhD so I do not have first-hand experience but I have known a few people:
-One finished and defended when she was about 7 months pregnant -just in time.
-One was trying to finish before giving birth, but could not. That added months more to wrapping things up, but she eventually defended.
-One got pregnant and gave birth during PhD and I think she decided to have an MS and leave it at that.
-Oh, and one more who got pregnant (by accident) during her PhD and her mom took care of the child full time -in another city!- so that she could finish.

Most other people I know became moms after they were done with their PhDs... (You obviously do not have that option :-))

I also had a neighbor with 3 kids who started Med School! and then she got pregnant and gave birth to her 4th child after the first year of Med School!! Sounds crazy. I think her husband and family were helping a lot with the kids.

So if you do not have a husband or family who will be able to take over a large portion of childcare and housework duties (and you would be fine with that), it may be a better idea to wait a little bit more (maybe until your younger child is over 3 and starts preschool) to start your PhD.

And you may want to set your standards a little bit lower if you decide not to wait and to start right away -in terms of academics, keeping a house, taking care of kids. Somethings gotta give! Nobody is a superwoman!

GL with whatever you decide to do!

I suggest you get it. The great thing is that most programs are self paced. And you can take your time.Your research and taking care of the kids will be learned to be dealt with like a symphony. Go back and don't look back!
Good Luck!
Remember when kids came into your life? The stressful thought of how am I going to juggle it all!
You'll be happier!

I have a Ph.D - defended 3 days before my first child was born. I struggled with it, even without kids ( but I worked full time at the end). I guess I feel like you have a passion for it, then you shoudl do it, but plan to do it slowly. I don't know that I really ever had the passion I think you need. However, if you do, then you should go for it. However, I can't imagine doing it "one time." If you can find a program ot accomodate you, and I would think most would, then try to plan for the number of hours you think you can manage. Start by taking the coursework. Start with one class and see how it goes. When you have a bunch of classwork under your belt and know what you want to do your thesis on, then you could start research. By then you might have your kids in school. I think it could be slow going but satisfying and career advancing even as ABD.

I don't know if you want to stay in academia, but I know in my field (psych, not clinical) that an MA goes pretty far. In the corporate world, it is often more about your skills than your degree. Although, I think my base salary started higher...

Good luck!

PS - Wante dto add, that a number of women I know had or wished they had their families during frad school because the grad lifestyle has a lot more flexibliity than the "real world." So, I guess it depends a bit on whether you will be working too?

I do not have a doctorate but I do have a tenured position at a community college. I am lucky in that I was able to get my position and earn tenure with only an MA. Now with the competition (and almost non-existent hiring for full time positions) I think I would be at a disadvantage because of not having a PhD. I would have liked to earn a PhD, but basically I needed to make a living. I also knew that the field I really wanted to study (Irish literature) would not have been marketable. My first job after grad school gave me great advantages in technology and this is what made me a strong candidate when I applied for tenure-track positions. I married right after grad school and my husband was working on his dissertation for about 3 years after we married, so I have witnessed first hand the stress level involved with the process. It was very hard for us at times. He finished right before we got pregnant. I do not think he could have finished if we were at the same time parents to a young child.

I have pondered going back to get my PhD just as you have. There have been times when I really, really wanted to go back to school, but I would need to work full time while going to school AND raise my two sons. I am very hard working and have the drive, but when I really thought about it, I realized my children would really suffer. I just don't want to make that sacrifice, so I guess for me, it just is not worth it. Also, the cost of the programs would not really be balanced by any salary increase that I might achieve (I have 17 years of teaching.) One person in our department just finished his dissertation, and he has two children, but he also took a sabbatical AND, well, he is a man and to be blunt, it is different for men. I hope I do not offend anyone, but I do not think anyone here will be surprised to hear that the work place is a bit different for a mom than it is for a dad.

I sometimes dream about going back when my kids are grown up, but the reality is that I will be helping them pay for school and will find it difficult to justify more tuition for me.

I wish you luck in your decision. I think this is a very personal thing and you will come to a choice that you know is right for you.

I have a doctorate degree and have actually thought of going back to school for a PhD. When I went for my doctorate I did not have children and like you it was my full time and part time career. My current thought is there is no way that I could do that now (pregnant and have a 2 year old). However, I had classmates that had children or came with children during our program and they did terrific. I think it is how you prioritize your life and the support you would or wouldn't get from your husband. Those with children were always present and active but they may not have pulled straight A's. It didn't matter they still earned a doctorate and are doing great in practice.

If I go back to school, it would not be until my babies were in school full-time. Then it would be more doable, but I know I wouldn't be able to do it right now.

Good luck, if you truly want it you will make it work!

My mom waited till the youngest was in highschool, I had just graduated college, before she went back for her PhD. She did take an online class here and there while we were young just to stay in-tuned to the ever changing education world. When she was going for her PhD I actaully moved back in with my parents just to help with the housework, I had a full time job but saw that after all the precioud time my mom spent raising me I could give back and help keep my parent's house clean & them feed well my mom was deep in her PhD.

Most women, that I know, either got it before having kids or waited till the kids were old enough like highschool to get there PhD. There are some who do juggle both, you just need to give up that precious time with kids and find help for keeping the house in order.

If you think it is going to be too time consuming, or it means less time spent with your young kids (you never get that time back!) and can make it I would wait till they are a little older. Also be prepared for it to take longer, that way you are not craming it in and still have a balanced life between family, work and shcool. It may even be possible when they are both full-time in grade school, I am thinking about getting my masters when my daughter goes into 1 st grade (in 2 years) because I am a stay at home mom and will have a majority of my day free now.

Hi AS-

I was post masters, and had been working in my field (counseling/psych) for several years. Had several serious relationships, but was single and career driven. I had just enrolled in a PHD program at Penn State when my (now ex) proposed, I said yes...and then the flurry of marriage and children began.

Fast forward...Youngest kids are starting HS in the fall. I am currently trying to 'figure out' what I want to be when I grow up! I do not have regrets at all...I think raising kids SHOULD result in a PHD!! (maybe I should just write a dissertation, and see if they will give me' life 'credits??) I know for me, once I started having kids...THAT became my focus, and I could NOT have done justice to my kids/husband OR a PHD had I tried to do both (and ex was in the military) Hell, my marriage ended in any case!

Now, I think of it...but my motivation would be 'purely academic' at this point rather than career oriented...I just am not sure now, based on my life experiences 'what I want to be when I grow up' anymore...lol

Best luck to you whatever you decide!
Michele/cat

I got all the way to my dissertation then, my choice, I quit. I REALLY hated the research SOOOO badly and knew I didn't even want to finish. I only want to teach and know I am happy being "just a lecturer". BUT with that said, if it was something I really wanted, I would do it without a doubt. The biggest problem would be financial and childcare. You'd have to have the kids go to some sort of child care (even a Mom's Day Out two days a week, 9-2) and that would be your work time. I think as long as you predetermine childcare (have a set schedule for it) and a budget you will be fine. It will NOT be easy, but neither was earning a Master's and you did that! You CAN do it, it will just be hard. If you really enjoy the research you should find yourself loving it. I thoroughly enjoyed all my coursework and do not regret doing it. I just had NO desire to do the dissertation. As long as you love research, hav child care and the money (or the ability to get some loans), the go for it! If you don't have all of those, worst case scenario is you wait until your youngest is in PreK or K to start. And that would give you more time to save so you don't have to work as much while doing it. Good luck and I really admire you for even thinking of doing it!! I hope you go for it and are super successful whenever you do!!!

I got mine pre-kids, but while I was in grad school, there were several other women with kids working on their PhD. The moms got their PhDs more slowly than those of us without kids, but really, what does that matter? Once you have it, no one cares how long it took to get it. Nor does your GPA matter. The dissertation quality does matter, of course, but you can find time to do. The moms I knew seemed to balance pretty well. It may mean you have to expect a little less from yourself PhD-wise, but that's really not the end of the world. Good luck with your decision.

Well, I can't speak to the PhD, but I do have an MS and am pregnant now. I might go back to school sometime in the future (when my kids are old enough to be in school), but my goal was to finish the master's first. I have friends and coworkers with MDs, PhD's, etc, but the only woman I know that went back after kids began when her kids were in high school.

I imagine it would be incredibly difficult, so I'd wait until the kids are a little older, or maybe make arrangements with family to help a lot with childcare. If you are in a good enough financial situation, maybe you could quit your job until you finish? Some sacrifices will have to be made, especially if your standards are set so high. The programs are so demanding, I find it would be almost impossible to do well with all of those other things going on!

I'm thinking of the same thing though my daughter is four and I am single. I'm thinking in the next two/three years, this will be my path. All I can say is: preparation. Get your tribe ready and by that I mean family, friends, "recruits"
:- ) I do think it will actually be easier for me because I can be more selfish as I am not married. But I will tell you, I finished my Masters when my girl was 18 months (married at the time) and I feel like I did very well because I was so organized. The ol' the more you do, the more you do. I felt like it gave me a focus that I certainly didn't have in college - obviously very different experience, time and focus - but because I was capable in many other areas, it translated to academia as well.

Best and please give us an update.

Wait until youngest is in K. Then you don't have to struggle with day-care - - and the flu, and pink-eye, and all the other stuff that comes with too many kids jammed packed into a small classroom where the toys are never disinfected. Find a nice mom to carpool with - you drive her kids in the morning & she picks yours up in afternoon & keeps them until you can get there. Pay her WELL for her time.

You will never get this time back with your children. This is where you and your husband decide who makes the sacrifice. You need to decide what defines you. Does your education, job, or family life ....... if you are not fulfilled as a mother than there is tons of daycare options.
Parenting is all about sacrifice. I raised my kids, and now am trying to find work. Nobody will even look at me because I have no experience. I have the degree but in this market that doesn't matter. I chose to raise my kids, was very involved in their world at home and school. Now, I wish I could find work, but it was a choice for me to sacrifice for my kiddos. Think about who benefits if you get your Ph.D. now-You. & at who's expense?