Paying My Share for My Mother's Apartment

I cannot even imagine.
They assumed? What gave them the right to assume?

Is your mother well enough to tell her sons to lay off of their sister. It is her home and if she wants to see her daughters children alone, NO ONE will make threats on her behalf.

Your brothers own the building, moved your mother in there and now want you to pay them $400.? Sounds shifty and rude..
No signed contract, you do not owe them a dime. Also if you are like me, I need the $400.a month to survive on. I am not talking about shopping , eating out and vacations, I am talking about paying our property taxes, electricity, gas, insurance and food.

Re the ask permission/kicking her out isues, I owuld call your county's Adult Rrotective Services. Further, see if you can get a free consult with an elder law attorney to make sure you can stay in contact with your mother. Out county has a free service called Elderlink that helps families find services for their aged parents. Call your ocunty and see if they have an Elder Care or gerentological support service. Your brothers clearly are juerks who are doing immoral things. They should not be caring for her, and you need ot determine how to find an affordable solution for her. I would also suggest getting her a very easy to use prepaid cell phone with your number programmed in it to keep secret from your brothers..

Besides the fact you don't have to pay them anything, you also DO NOT HAVE TO ASK FOR PERMISSION for her grandkids to go stay with her. What, do they have a bodyguard at her door? Stand up for yourself, you are being bullied! In reality, all they can do is get mad at you. Big whoop, they've shown their true colors, what difference does it make to you if they are mad at you or not?

Now, the saddest thing here is they are treating your mom as a tenant. Where will she go?

Your mother needs to have a power of attorney (even if she is in good health) and it needs to be you or your sister. I would do this now with no hesitation.

I would also make damn sure your mother is aware of the situation.

What is your sisters take on all of this?

It sounds like your brothers think you use your Mom for free baby sitting. Hence the paying if you are not visiting, too.
Have they got other renters in this apartment complex where your Mom is?
Are your kids noisy enough they might bother other renters?
There isn't enough information to know what's going on but I imagine your brothers have their own side of the story.
A family meeting could get everyone on the same page.

Wow...this is going to get complicated very quickly!!! First of all, your brothers were mistaken to "assume" that you were going to be paying them $400 a month without asking you first!!! It sounds to me like there must be a history of animosity between you if they are saying that your children cannot visit their Grandma without receiving prior permission from them.
There is a lot of information here that is missing in order to make a real informed decision as to what you can or should do.
How Old is Your Mother ?
Is she physically able to work or somehow provide more income for herself?
Is she eligible for section 8 housing ( Low income housing) that you could help her look into ?
Are there retirement apartments in your area that charge according to your ability to pay that could be a reasonable thing to consider.
You should have an Area Agency on Aging Department somewhere there in your city...go there and see what assistance is available to her...we have an excellent one here in our town and they are a very good clearing house for information about the govt. and private sector help that is available for people in the local area.
Good luck to you!!

I'm honestly blown away at some of the stuff from families I read here. Your brothers are making you ask permission to visit your own mother because they want to milk money out of you that you never agreed to pay? On top of it, they're kicking their own mother out of an apartment because they aren't getting enough money for it? Wow -nice brothers and sons they are! What does your mother say about all of this? Do your brothers stand guard there 24/7? I would go visit her whenever she wanted and I felt like it!

As far as you paying them or owing them anyway -make sure you re-state to them that you NEVER were approached about helping to pay for this and never agreed to it! Tell them they're awful for doing this to their own mother who not only brought them into this world, but evidently raised them. They literally owe their lives to her! YOU don't owe them squat! Ask them if they truly plan to throw their mother on the street at the end of the month. They have to understand -if you don't have the money or the room, then you don't. THEY DO!

How old is your mother? Does she have any health issues or disabilities? The reason I'm asking is that if your brothers are going to continue to be selfish pricks, then she may need to go to a nursing home/assisted living type facility. The private ones are VERY expensive, but there are also public ones. They vary in niceness, but you may want to check some of them out; find out how people get in and if there's a waiting list or something. I'm sure you would still need to pay some money every month, but not much. It's like government assisted housing/Section 8 for the elderly. We have an entire high-rise apartment building for that near us.

All I can say is "what goes around, comes around". I am disgusted that someone would treat their own mother this way, and sister.

I guess your mom must be of sound mind if you can leave your children with her unsupervised. So there are 2 brothers and 2 sisters who need to chip in and pay for Mom's expenses because her SS isn't enough to live on. Sounds like you need a family meeting that includes all siblings and your Mom to decide the best way to go with this. Sounds like your brothers decided that the best course was to have her live at the apartments they own, without consultation with the sisters - which would be fine if they were footing the bill - but then decided that everyone should kick in for her support and are using stupid control games to accomplish that. With aging parents, all siblings and the parent (if still competent) need to be in agreement. I've carried the financial burden, and most of the care giving, for my mom for 30 years and it does make you resentful towards siblings but I sure wouldn't just start sending them invoices or punish my mother by not letting them see her! All of you need to sit down and talk. This is a situation that could go on for years and years and it could tear your family apart if you don't make decisions together. I can tell you from personal experience that, just like we continue to look at our kids as young (so even when they are adults, we have to stop ourselves from interfering because we still think of them as kids), we tend to see our parents as "old" even when they really aren't as old as we perceive. If Mom can watch kids unsupervised, she can participate in these decisions and if she wants her 4 kids to support her, then everybody needs to be in agreement with what that means. And needs to be able to afford it, which in your case might be paying her to babysit but you might not be able to afford to do anything more than that.

How very sad when money means more to a person than people do. I will say a prayer that you and your mother can find a better situation for her.

I think your brothers are tired of bearing the burden of housing your mother and want some financial assistance from you (and your sister??) By putting your mother in the apartment they own, they are not getting the rental income that they could be getting. Also they may be incurring extra expenses like utilities. They are going about it all wrong. A family summit is in order to discuss what options are available and how everyone can help solve the situation. I have a feeling that they see you drop your kids off for free babysitting and feel like you could be paying her (for babysitting) and contributing to her income or her rent. From your note, I don't think they are trying to limit your access to your mother, just the (uncompensated ? ) babysitting. It is not fair that you and your sister are not contributing anything. Check to see if she is eligible for subsidized housing or explore getting a bigger space so she could move in with you.

Your brothers sound like complete jerks. Your mother would probably be better off far, far away from them. And so would you and your kids.

With your moms SS money couldnt you rent a bigger place so she could have her own room with you? Would you then ask your brothers to pay part of her rent if she lived with you?
Sounds more like you have some sibling problems and you are not all agreeing on how to help out your mother.
If she is on SS why cant she get her own subsidized apartment? maybe you could help her find one in your area.
If your brothers are struggling to foot the bill by themselves, I would think you and your sister should step up to the plate and help figure out what you can ALL do to keep you mom housed. It is not fair that the financial burden falls to only one person.

I am 74 yrs old and live in an affordable adult community in Palo Alto. I don't know if that would be too far for you to move your mom but it seems to me like she might be okay with her own place. Where I live it is small studio apartments (but really how much space do you really need), they do allow pets, there are about 120 residents that live here, you have to be 62 to live here, and it includes dinner Mon thru Fri evenings in the onsite dining room. You might want to see if you can find something like this for your mom. It is very reasonable priced, $700 +/- a month, and that includes electricity, water, garbage, hook up to the facility tv antenna which has about 80 channels. The only thing you have to pay is for your phone and cable tv if you want it.

Good luck and I hope you are able to resolve the problem to your and your mom's satisfaction.

Last time I checked, landlords can't make rules about their tenants' visitors. And they are really going to throw your mom out on the street at the end of this month if you don't come up with a plan for her? Wow.
Legally, they don't have a leg to stand on as far as you paying. Landlords can evict tenants under certain circumstances. My question would be if they have a real lease document.
Truthfully, there doesn't sound like a lot you can do. If they kick her out, you or your sister will have to do something, I guess.
The waiting list for Section 8 housing can be long. I don't know how far out you want to go, but outside of SF might be a better bet for your mom in terms of affordability.
Your poor mother.

My question is how much do your children stay there? Are they there full time while you work? How did your brothers come up with the magic # $400 per month. Are they estimating how much childcare would be for a month? Did you discuss helping with money before she moved in? Sorry for all the questions, but there seems to be some missing information. Without more information it is really hard to give an opinion...

Your brothers are being total jerks and they need to get real. If your mother can't afford to pay rent then you need to get her is some sort of senior HUD building where her rent will be subsidized. Your brothers have no right to say who can and can't come over to visit with your mother, I don't care whose paying the rent.

Hi Judy B :-)

I agree with Mommee, there is not enough clear information to make an informed response. But I do have a few thoughts:

First of all your brothers own the apartment where your mom is staying. There must be some kind of agreement with your mom, why not ask her what they told her when they moved her in? Also, where did the amount $400 come from?

Also, it just seems that your brothers didn't think this whole thing through and now they feel stuck financially and are now placing the blame and burden on you, and perhaps also your sister for assistance. It seems there needs to be a full investigation of everything and a sit down talk with your two brothers to get all expectations out on the table.

I don't hear your mom being represented in this whole story, what does she have to say about any of this? Is she able to manage her own financial affairs? I don't see how your brothers can prevent you from visiting with your mom unless they live there too and stand guard? And even if they do, is your mom able to get into your car and go to your home for a visit?

A few things to think about, but from what you have said so far, there is an imbalance in the responsibility based on no previous group discussion and plans/agreements.

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

Glancing quickly through the answers you've received, I don't see one possible solution to part of your problem.... that of them saying you have to have their permission to leave your kids with your mother. You mention that your mother has the children for about an hour on Thursday evenings. What is the possibility that you could pick your mother up and bring her to your home to watch your children and then take her home afterward?

I'm assuming your brothers are charging your mother something from her social security for living in the apartment (which, by the way, makes their assumption that you and your sister each "owe" them $400 a month not make sense when computed out... $1200 divided among the four siblings would only be $300 a month, (and since the brothers have the advantage that they are the ones building up the equity in the building, them having an equal share in the cost of your mother's apartment rent seems reasonable). If your mother is also contributing, then the amount for each sibling should be less it would seem.
I would have a talk with your mother, if I were you and find out if you rent a larger place where she could move in with you, would she be able to help with the higher cost of your place so you could do that. If you work out such an arrangement, I would then let the brothers know they can have their apartment to rent out and that they won't have to worry about your mom's care because you have taken it over. Depending on your relationship with your sister, you may want to talk to her about the two of you taking care of your mother, but if she isn't on board with the plan, it seems it would be better for you to simply take over if you can.

Updated

Glancing quickly through the answers you've received, I don't see one possible solution to part of your problem.... that of them saying you have to have their permission to leave your kids with your mother. You mention that your mother has the children for about an hour on Thursday evenings. What is the possibility that you could pick your mother up and bring her to your home to watch your children and then take her home afterward?

I'm assuming your brothers are charging your mother something from her social security for living in the apartment (which, by the way, makes their assumption that you and your sister each "owe" them $400 a month not make sense when computed out... $1200 divided among the four siblings would only be $300 a month, (and since the brothers have the advantage that they are the ones building up the equity in the building, them having an equal share in the cost of your mother's apartment rent seems reasonable). If your mother is also contributing, then the amount for each sibling should be less it would seem.
I would have a talk with your mother, if I were you and find out if you rent a larger place where she could move in with you, would she be able to help with the higher cost of your place so you could do that. If you work out such an arrangement, I would then let the brothers know they can have their apartment to rent out and that they won't have to worry about your mom's care because you have taken it over. Depending on your relationship with your sister, you may want to talk to her about the two of you taking care of your mother, but if she isn't on board with the plan, it seems it would be better for you to simply take over if you can.

Updated

Glancing quickly through the answers you've received, I don't see one possible solution to part of your problem.... that of them saying you have to have their permission to leave your kids with your mother. You mention that your mother has the children for about an hour on Thursday evenings. What is the possibility that you could pick your mother up and bring her to your home to watch your children and then take her home afterward?

I'm assuming your brothers are charging your mother something from her social security for living in the apartment (which, by the way, makes their assumption that you and your sister each "owe" them $400 a month not make sense when computed out... $1200 divided among the four siblings would only be $300 a month, (and since the brothers have the advantage that they are the ones building up the equity in the building, them having an equal share in the cost of your mother's apartment rent seems reasonable). If your mother is also contributing, then the amount for each sibling should be less it would seem.
I would have a talk with your mother, if I were you and find out if you rent a larger place where she could move in with you, would she be able to help with the higher cost of your place so you could do that. If you work out such an arrangement, I would then let the brothers know they can have their apartment to rent out and that they won't have to worry about your mom's care because you have taken it over. Depending on your relationship with your sister, you may want to talk to her about the two of you taking care of your mother, but if she isn't on board with the plan, it seems it would be better for you to simply take over if you can.

What does your mother have to say about this? Could she rent a smaller apartment with the four of you sharing that cost? Have the four of you had a meeting involving your mother and a legal mediator on this? If you're all making decisions about her life without involving her, that not fair to her. There are senior low income housing solutions available, has anyone researched those? Instead of playing into your brothers' unreasonable demands and control of your family, why don't you search out other solutions and include your mother in the decision making?