Parochial or Public?

I would wonder whether she is being bullied or ostracized by a group of kids. If she really wants to go back to public school, I would let her.

Is it possible that she is being teased/bullied this year and thinks that would stop if she changed schools?

I would let her go back to the public school. At her age, a lot of the learning has to do with student motivation - not necessarily the school (unless you know that it is particularly bad).

High school kids do have a social life and social interactions are a big part of their growing up (and if she's an emotional wreck at the private school, that's going to affect her ability to learn).

Many times public schools actually have more to offer - more extracurricular activities, sometimes better equipment, and more access to resources.

If private school is making her this unhappy, then it's not the best place for her. I'm biased because I spent six years in private school and hated every second of it, but parents feel like they're doing something really special when they write that tuition check.

Put her back in public, or at least open the discussion back up so you can hear your daughter out.

Can you see the big red flag here?

It's her second year there, not her first. If it were her first and she gave you all this flack, I'd get it, but this is new and sudden. Sudden change in behavior or attitude equals something going on that you don't know about.

So find out.

I would bet that something is happening at school that you're not aware of at all -- kids her age are excellent at hiding things and denying things very effectively. You have largely shut down communication with her regarding school so she is not going to be forthcoming; you frankly will have to eat what you said and tell her that school IS now up for discussion because you are really puzzled and worried about her too. Tell her you truly want to understand her. Tell her you are puzzled because this didn't happen last year and you want to help her have a good experience so you and she need to talk. Make it about concern for her, not about "You need to suck it up and deal" or "You're just trying to be with your boyfriend."

She could be: Academically overwhelmed. Being bullied by other kids. Feeling she's bullied or just not liked by a teacher or teachers. Feeling frustrated at the rules and regulations, if the parochial school has more of them than public did. Feeling frustrated with herself, because maybe she hated last year but lacked the guts to tell you (or felt you wouldn't listen),and she's now voicing what she wanted to voice a full year ago.

You will not know if you do not ask.

And if you shut her down over and over she will cease to ask to move back to public, yes, but she also will clam up about anything that is really, truly wrong. Do you want that?

If you have good relationships with her teachers (last year's as well as this year's) I would go see them -- without her -- and delve into this. Is there a school counselor you can see? (Again, without her; this is to help you figure out how to figure HER out.) Is the counselor someone she might talk to? (Without you there, so she feels freer to say what she really thinks.)

If she had carped and whined about it all last year this would be less of an issue but the fact that it's started up so intensely and suddenly is a red flag you can't ignore, and if you shut down all conversation she is going to become more distant and just do what you want on the outside while she seethes inside -- or sneaks around to see her boyfriend more.

I'm concerned. I don't know why this is an issue this year and not last year. I understand your parental responsibility to choose the right school, but I respect that your daughter is trying to tell you something. It may only be that she wants to be with her BF, but I don't know that. May I suggest that you consider arranging one session with a counselor for you and her father, to discuss your approach to decide this. The counselor may want to have a private session with your daughter, too. Whatever you do, without probing, please remind your daughter that she can discuss anything with you and that you love her unconditionally.

Something sounds wrong mom.
She is telling you she doesn't fit in.
Something must have happened between last year and this year. Girls, high school girls especially, can be fickle bitches. She may be getting picked on or having a hard time with some people at her school.
Sounds like you need to dig to figure out what the problem is. She is telling you, in high school speak, that something is not right and she needs you to prod until you figure it out.
Forcing her to stay somewhere where she is getting bullied is just going to backfire on you.
L.
(this was my first impression. I HATED jr. high/high school. I switched and had no friends, got made fun of (I had breasts! gasp!), was in fights. It was awful. My parents never stepped in and let me know that I was loved and treasured at home. So not only was I suffering at school I was suffering at home because no one took the time to figure out what was wrong. of COURSE as an adult I can think back and wonder why the hell I didn't just speak up, but as a teen it was embarassing and made me feel like a loser to tell my mom that something was wrong. I could be totally wrong....I hope I am! But it seems odd that things have gotten so bad for her so quickly.)

I went to parochial school even though most of my friends went to public. It made very little difference to the amount of time I spent with them. We had sleep overs, went to parties and movies, talked on the phone. Most public schools are so large, you don't see your friends unless you happen to be in the same class. And if she is adapting her schedule just to be in the same class as her friends, that's a whole new set of problems.I would have her stay where she is. Boy friend is going to be more of a distraction than her current funk.

But there maybe more than she's telling you. This kind of change does not happen without cause. Find out what happened to change her attitude.

I would let her switch but I would need to know the real reason why she hates her school. Did she ask to transfer before school started or did she bring this up after she started 10th grade? Sounds like she is not telling you the whole story.

How big is the public school? My daughter said she almost feels like she is in a new school (10th grade) because she doesn't know most of the kids in her classes this year. My daughter has only seen her best friend in school once so far this year and she didn't have a chance to speak to her😊. (There are about 1600 kids in her HS). My point is your daughter may never see her BF in school.

I really hate public school education. I've had nothing but a bad experience. That being said not all private schools are equal. Especially Catholic schools. I went to a catholic school growing up and they use to hit kids. I got hit quite a bit the poor boys would get wacked regularly. Not for me or my kid. I put my daughter in a montissorri and have loved it. Some private schools are great some not so. If your daughter has been really happy in public and is fitting in well why remove her. Instead as a sophmore if she is really that smart in advanced get her into some pre college classes at the college.

My guess is she wants to be with the boyfriend. Try to retract your statement that it is not open for discussion and see if she will open up and tell you why she doesn't fit in. See if it is boys or girls. See if it is everyone is a couple but her, then there you go...but probably not too likely everyone is walking arm in arm at her school.

If it is a matter of her boyfriend, remind her she still has to be apart from him at college and they will have plenty of time together. Remind her that she will have to adjust to new friends at college too.

Personally, I would leave her there. If you had moved hundreds of miles away because you had a job opportunity, she would have to adjust.

All the debating over private or public school aside, this is a pretty big red flag..
I read at then end of your post you are worried about her becoming attached at the hip to her boyfriend, was this move to private to end the relationship?
If she had no issues at public and was thriving i guess I do not understand the move in the first place.
Many blessings

Can you tell by her social life? ie: does she have friends at this school that she has over or goes to their house or does she have zero social life? If she's socializing outside of school with girls from her grade, then I think she just wants to be with her boyfriend. But if she's never invited anywhere after school or on weekends, then likely she is having a really hard time and she's not just rebelling. Also, is the public a good HS or kind of lousy? That would be a big factor. Maybe offer her an alternative and she how she reacts? Are there other privates around? You could tell her if she hates this school, you can look at those. If she wants to, then likely somnething bad at this school. If she says nevermind, I'd suspect the boyfriend. Btw - I know of girls who were horribly bullied in Catholic girls HS. And very very attractive, personable girls you would never expect to have issues.

Why don't you ask her, and talk WITH her, about how school is there?
Who her friends are?
What trouble is happening there?

Private parochial schools, are not necessarily "better"... than public.
Nor is the social life or types of friends, better at a public school versus private school.
I went to both types of schools growing up.
And let me tell you, at the private or parochial schools, the kids can be real nasty. Mean. Noxious. Very manipulative. On a whole other different level. It would boggle an adult's mind.
And YES, even kids at private or parochial schools.... ARE SASSY and NOT better behaved. AND, bullying can ALSO occur at private schools and parochial schools.

You need to talk WITH your daughter, about her life, about school, and her social life and classes. And the Teachers.
There is obviously, a problem. She is having.
And you don't know it.
And she is already, having emotion based problems. She has said, she doesn't feel like she fits in.
SO FIND OUT, why.

If this is her second year, are you sure something didn't happen to make her attitude change? If this was her first year, I could understand the attitude during the adjustment period.

I totally understand wanting the private school as I am Catholic as well, but having had my kids in private school for many years, they were so much happier once I moved them to public school. So was I!!! I got so sick of all the backstabbing from the other mothers and my kids got tired of incompetent teachers and a principal that was afraid of his own shadow!!

I'd talk to her, or at least try, and find out if something has changed or happened that has changed her attitude. Like I said, if this was her first year, I could understand but being her second year, something doesn't add up.

Good luck!!

Sounds like the public school is where she should go.

I knew a kid whose parents opted for parochial school and the child hated it. It was a big blow to the child's self-esteem, grades, family harmony, etc. No sense in paying for schooling a kid hates. This kid switched back and was fine. Also, the parochial schools don't often have as many resources so you'd likely get a better whole education at public, and prep for life beyond high school.

I was the opposite...went from a parochial school pre-k - 8th grade to a public school in 9th grade. I can tell you this...it was a HUGE adjustment for me. I did eventually make friends but it was tough. I forever look back on that point of my life as a very hard part. Obviously I got through it and I didn't become depressed, kept up my grades and made new friends. But it was hard. Lets just say I am glad its in my past. I actually have vowed to myself I would never put my kids through that big adjustment if I didn't absolutely have to or if by their own choice.

For the record I think the problem is or could be that these parochial girls have been going to school together probably for most if not all their lives. And its probably smaller than a public school so much harder to just jump right in and fit in.

Think about it, she is starting off with a blank slate, no one to sit by at lunch, in class, in between class...etc.

I feel her pain as I started a small public school with kids whom had been together all their lives. It was hard to jump in and some girls for whatever reason didn't want to give me any chance to try to fit in. They immediately didn't like me for for their own reasons. I often told my parents later in life I'd had been better joining a bigger public school so it wouldn't be so noticeable I was the new kid. At least I think it would have been, who knows?

I'm not sure what to do, but I think you shouldn't cut off the communication.

Perhaps you could reconsider and meet in the middle tell her that she needs to really try until December. That will give her some time to possibly make friends and/or give you a chance to see what really is best for her.

Good luck!

My mother had me start at a catholic school for middle school and I HATED it. HATED IT! I did not fit in AT ALL. It was an all girls school too (not sure if your school is co-ed) and the cliquish snootiness, mean girl attitudes, my family is richer than yours shenanigans...I HATED IT.
I hated going to school every morning, pretty soon my grades were dropping. I was SOOO unhappy. I started getting stomach aches every morning on the way to school, just from the stress. I stopped doing homework, started skipping school... a downward spiral.

A year and a half into it we moved due to completely unrelated circumstances. Given the fact that I was doing so badly in school my parents decided they would stop wasting their money on private school and enrolled me in public school. I bounced back within the next semester, graduated at the top of my class and was generally a lot happier and made awesome friendships.

I do have to wonder what kind of say your daughter had in changing school? Did she want it? Did she get a chance to see the school beforehand, go to an open house, meet the teachers and maybe other kids? Or did you decide this over her head?

I do understand that ultimately which school she goes to is your decision as parents, but anyone who makes such a major change for a teenager without considering their input is neither doing themselves nor their kid a favor.

If her school has a counselor I would suggest that you make an appointment with them and your daughter and talk about what is going on.
Being happy is a hugely important factor for student success. Students who are unhappy are less motivated, less likely to participate, score lower and are more likely to get in trouble/fall in with the wrong crowd.

I would not take this lightly.
Good luck.