Parents Playing Favorites

Wow, that sucks :-(
By BFF's inlaws are like this. They give lavish gifts and tons of attention to her son, and practically ignore her daughter! These are their only grandchildren, and they have plenty of money, so it's a clear case of favoritism. Once her daughter got old enough to start noticing (I think it was the year they gave her little brother one of those big electric riding cars and they gave her a small stuffed animal---I am NOT kidding!) my BFF and her husband decided to tactfully bring it up with them. They were not accusatory or anything, they just wanted them to know how it made their daughter feel.
Well I'm sorry to say, it did not go over well. Lots of yelling followed by the cold shoulder which is still very cool all these years later. And they STILL openly favor their grandson!
Sorry, I'm not trying to be negative, I just wanted to share my limited experience with this kind of blatant unfairness. If I were you I think I'd try to let it go, as hard as that can be.

This seems very strange. Do your parents know that you know? Is it because the others are local and they have a closer relationship with your parents?

I agree with Lynn M. I would ask your parents about it AFTER Christmas is over, quietly and privately. Just tell them how it makes you feel. They may not be aware.

dont make it about you being mad or about the gifts or how much the gifts cost or how you dont get any... make it about how upset it make you feel for you and your kids.. and how it makes u feel like your family takes a back seat to the other and it makes you feel like they love you less

I applaud the agreement you and hubby have made. I think you should stick to it.

I also think you should be very upfront with your parents. Tell them just like you told us - you really don't care about the gifts, but you will NOT have that done in front of your kids so that they begin to feel less-than. Your parents may not realize how you feel. Heck, they may not even know that you know about the secret xmas gifts.

Good luck? Be sure to spend xmas wherever you feel comfortable and loved.

I would celebrate Christmas at home where you don't feel like you're less-than.

If your parents ask what your family would like for Christmas, simply reply "Please don't bother. It's become very apparent that you don't like buying thoughtful gifts for my family. Save the money for (brother) and (sister)'s family's gifts."

I would also avoid them on birthdays. They'll either be relieved and continue to be rude...or take the hint and correct their abhorrent behavior.

I guess you can talk to your parents though I don't recommend this leading up to Christmas. Tell them that while you are completely fine with not receiving presents (it's not about that) you feel and have felt for years like you just aren't good enough to rate the same treatment as your siblings. When they were still young and not established, it made sense but now you see it is continuing and you'd like to understand why.

We have this and we are all local. It is especially bad with the grandkids.

If I were you, and I were traveling from out of town, I would adjust my travel time to be closer to New Year's than Christmas. That way, the emphasis would be less on any gifts and more about the family.

They are family, but at the same time, you have a family who's feelings you need to protect, even if it is from other family. Your kids are getting older and when the new baby comes they WILL see the differences. It's time to be the one that controls the relationship.

When we repeat the same senarios, and get the same results, we only have ourselves to blame for the hurt. In the long run, because it is Christmas time, it puts a damper on your holiday. Start a new tradition. RECLAIM CHRISTMAS!!

Not judging, just letting you know that I too have been there. I even had a 30min conversation with myself one night trying to figure out why I was upset that I was hurt, when I knew that morning how things would go and my feelings would be hurt.

Could it simply be that you are doing well financially and the other kids are not? The definition of fair is not that everyone gets the same, it is that everyone gets what they need. My sister and I got married the same year. I received a substantially larger wedding gift because I was 16 years younger, just graduated college and buying my first house. My sister owned her home, her cottage and a rental property. She didn't need as much as I did.

I see by your ETA that this is not the case, so yes, it is unfair. I would probably bring it up.

Oh dear.
I'm not sure there's anything you can do about it.
Not that it's terribly related to what you're going through but there was a situation I came across while growing up that had a surprise revelation.

My Mom raised my sister and me on her own and while she was working our baby sitter (we called her Nana) looked after us.
Nana was the mother in law to a college friend of my mothers and she had 2 sons.
She was elderly, widowed and needed the extra income so it worked out well.
One son she ALWAYS seemed to favor over the other.
I take that back - there was no seeming about it - it was clear and evident.
The boys (well men - they are my Mom's generation) were similar in age - everyone thought they were fraternal twins.
No one could figure it out.

Well years later we found out what was going on.
It seems Nana's husband and her sister had an affair while she was pregnant.
And her sister got pregnant too.
Not a cool situation to be in in the 1930's.
Divorce just wasn't done, and being pregnant out of wedlock was a big no no as well.
So, to make a long story short - Nana's sister gave up her baby to her sister and husband to raise and sister left town.
Nana raised both boys as her own with her husband, but one boy was her nephew and she never quite got over the resentment over the situation.
It wasn't fair to anyone really.
But finding out about it really went a long way to explaining what was going on with regard to her favoritism of one child over the other.

I have two children.. one is my favorite and the other, is who I love the most and it changes day to day =).

On this issue you probably just need to let go. Of course it hurts but maybe your children are better off not being the favorites. They can grow up less entitled and more appreciative of the little things.

I wouldn't mention it actually but just say thank you and make your own plans and celebrate Christmas as a family. Maybe go to your husband's family or invite other with no place to go and just enjoy it. You can't make people love you or even make them really be fair. Sad and I know it hurts but just make your own holidays. Love your family but don't let yourself be upset by this.

I do feel for you, but If i can play arm chair psychologist for a min.

Lets look first at the age gap between you. 10 years ish? Whats the deal with that ? ( you don't have to answer me I'm just throwing stuff out there). It wouldn't be fair but i could see this happening with a remarriage, or if mom had wanted more kid soooooo bad after you and couldn't for a while and then bam miricale babies. again not fair but that might explain it a bit.

some of it may just be the distance?, or might be something like you having a strong personality or strong preferences? Is there an issue with your husband?

Do you give them a list and specifically ask for something?

like if you know your younger sis just recieved diamond earrings from mom, compliment you mom on her good taste and hint how much you would love a pair for your birthday.

call you mom and tell her how much you little kiddo would just love the newest easy bake oven and would she like to get it for her??

i guess i'm advocating the sneaky plan, and less the confrontational plan.

I personally don't see your parents changing with out upsetting the siblings, and I can't see that working out well.

one more question. is there a reason the do a secret celebration? is it SOLEY to leave you out? or do you not get into town until Jan 2nd because you are celebrating with hubs fam, and so they keep to the 25th and then do a little something with you after??

are they tryign to be considerate of you traveling with a bunch of gifts??

I would worry about the cousins too if this is how it is.

sorry, here's a christmas hug

Right before I got to your last paragraph... that is EXACTLY the solution that popped into my head.

I grew up thousands of miles away from "family".

Thing is, I don't view it that way. I grew up WITH my family. My EXTENDED family was elsewhere.

All of the drama/ craziness/ etc. that people talk about all the time? All the exhaustion, schlepping, favorite playing, etc.? Just wasn't a part of my childhood. Because every holiday was my parents (or just my mum if my dad was deployed), my siblings, and myself.

And they were pure magic.

Then my dad retired "near family".

Ugh.

Talk about killing the magic of the holidays. Or, Princess Bride Quote "Mostly Dead".

I have a large, rambiling, robust, fun, "everyone gets along" BIG extended family. There's still drama. And everyone gets tired. And stressed. It becomes a logistics & "don't hurt anyone's feelings" & how to combine. Icky. I LOVE my family. But it's complicated! Then I got married to someone with "family nearby", and it got insane. We finally split each holiday into 3 seperate days (that worked really well, by the by).

I can't tell you how much I loved and adored "simple" & "magical".

LOL, actually, I think I kind of did. Enough so that we split the holiday!!!

Do your brother and sister live there? Closer to your parents then you? They might feel closer to them? I dont think there is ever an excuse for what your parents are doing, but I guess it is their money and they can spend it as they see fit.

My parents tend to send my sister who lives away things all the time. But they take me out to lunch sometimes, and spend holidays with us. There is always some kind of trade-off. Also, my siblings that have made horrible choices in life get more than I do. Sometimes I get jealous...but honestly I let it go. My parents treat the kids the same (mom favors the girls, but it hasn't been as bad lately) and that's the important part.

So...in your case, I would absolutely say something to my parents about how they treat the kids differently and that you won't stand for it. I think there is no excuse for it. As far as you and your hubby, I'd let it go.

You and your Husband, CAN just do your own Christmas traditions, anyway. And you can or don't have to, travel all that way, to visit them. It is a choice. And/or, go visit your Husband's family for Christmas too. Or just stay home and you/your nuclear family do your own traditions with your kids.
And, once your kids are old enough, instead of acting like playing favorites does not exist (because your kids will observe this too), you just explain to them, in a neutral way, that not all people are fair. Including relatives. And it is a shame, but don't take it personally. That in YOUR own nuclear family, you know better. I do that with my kids. Some of our relatives are very selfish and discriminatory. My kids, SEE that and know it. Even if they are kids. So, I say I know that too, they are correct. I acknowledge my kids observations. Because it is TRUE. But so I explain to my kids, that not all adults or relatives, behave fairly or nicely. But that is their problem. That we and they, know better. But keep in mind, that people are all very different.
I don't "hide" the fact from my kids. Because they know it, too. It is a life lesson.

Maybe you need to rethink this. You can't change their behavior and it doesn't seem like they are going to change. So, you have to change your reaction to this drama. There has got to be something at the core of this? You could ask, but be prepared. Never ask a question that you really don't want to know the answer to. This sounds unfair, but you can't imply or suggest to your parents how they should spend their money. That's not going to go well. You could ask why there isn't just one get together or why they have chosen to celebrate this way in recent years? Your parents may get defensive, so be prepared for that. It's going to be a tough conversation to have with them. Your kids are not going to understand. I think I would ask.