My Family and I Don't Want My Stepsons Around at Holidays

It sounds like a lot of these behaviors are things that 5/6 yr olds deal with. By the time they are 9/10, it's hard to be on them for their manners (or lack of) all the time but I wouldn't like the way they act right now either. Some therapy might help them a lot. There are a few kids in my son's taekwondo class with problems like this, but they have ADHD and their medication is wearing off by the end of the day. The Master generally has anyone who steps out of line do lots of push ups.

I'm sorry, but YOU are the only mother figure these young boys have! Maybe some of their acting out stems from the fact that their own mother obviously doesn't want them, and you seem to view them as a project you HAVE to put up with in order to be with your husband. Do you have any feelings for them? I realize they're horribly behaved and I know that's probably been a terrible trial for you, but when it comes to children, if you're going to "buy in" to it -then in my book you take it ALL. Since you elected to stay and be their stepmother -and only mother -you should be that. Some of the behavior your describe is bad and rude, but some of it sounds like normal boy behavior -especially boys who may have never been taught appropriate boundaries (the asking for money, taking too much food -is there really a kid who HASN'T done that? butting in and interrupting adult conversation). I'll tell you straight up -what you're asking -to basically dump two young boys on the holidays sounds cruel to me. Are you talking Thanksgiving and Christmas? Do you not think they feel this? Trust me, they get the vibe and it's probably a huge factor in their actions. To do this to them on a major family holiday sounds incredibly selfish. Perhaps you should send your husband and his sons to his family so you'll be free to enjoy your family without any worry that a child might act like a child. You should have explained to YOUR family five years ago that you were basically now the mother of these boys and they needed to be treated as such. Do your parents seriously give your daughter presents and them nothing? Guess what -it's not only not fair to do that in front of her half brothers, but it's MEAN! Maybe y'all can spend the holidays this year reflecting on how you should treat others.

Ok, so everyone here said basically everything I needed to say, so I'll keep this short. Seriously, what kind of rude, mean people would bring "your" daughter a gift and not the boys? And to take that a step further, how on earth do you then get annoyed that the boys don't think that's fair? It ISN'T FAIR! Beyond not being fair, it's HURTFUL! It definitely sends a message to the boys about their place in "your" family. They seem to have gotten many messages about their place in "your" family. Quite simply, they don't have one.

If my fiance or his family in ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM showed ANY MINUTE indication that they would not love and treat my son with kindness, compassion, and love, THEN I WALK. Period. I can totally see why your husband got angry. He should be angry. The day my fiance suggests I send my son to be with "his" family on a holiday so he and his family don't have to be bothered by him is the day HE packs his bags. Seriously.

I'm sorry for being emotional, but this issue is close to my heart because I have so much fear about how my son might be treated by a stepmother someday, when he didn't CHOOSE the life he is living.

Ok, so re-reading my response, I realize that it was critical and not helpful in any way, so I'll add this. You ALL need counseling to teach you what you need to know to best parent these boys, and so that they can begin to work through the issues they have around being abandoned by their mother, and the ensuing life they've lived with a step mother and family who basically sees them as a sacrifice that has to be made. Much of their behavior sounds like pretty normal boy behavior... and when it goes beyond that, they need taught boundaries and proper behavior, which they will only be receptive to if it is done in an environment of love and complete acceptance. If they don't feel total security in your family, then that insecurity will dominate everything they do. And know that that lack of connectedness WILL affect them for the rest of their lives. Giving them the feeling that they are tolerated and not loved destroys any sense of self worth they may be able to muster after having been abandoned by their own mother. If you're in this for the long haul, get them, and you some help. You all need it.

So much for keeping this short.

Blessings.

When you have children(even if they are step children) you don't get to pick and choose what holidays they spend with you. You knew what you were getting into when you married this man.
Some of the things you describe sound like normal kid behavior actually. And to bring a gift for YOUR daughter and not the boys is RUDE! Here's a thought: have the holidays at your house so they will not be bored-rent movies, video games, etc.
Haven't the boys been in school over the last 4 years? I don't understand your statement on taking time off of your career to get their behavior under control. Really???
You all need some counseling because your attitude towards your husband's children is disturbing. And frankly, I had a step mother like you and although she is no longer married to my father, my relationship with my father has never rebounded from her presence.

What I'm reading is "My family" /"their family" Honey- these kids *are* your family, and by extension your parent's family. You married their father, and no matter the circumstances you have indeed inherited them. If you and your parents could just show what a "very loving family" you are, (and by the way, if you are a loving family, you will be loving and accepting even towards your children who misbehave) you might give these children the love and stability they need to feel secure. You say they have a total lack of respect, but it doesn't sound like they have an example to learn from. Of course they will need to be taught, rules, manners, and the like, but they need to feel loved and secure in their family first. The way it sounds, it breaks my heart that these kids have been (seperated?) from their birth mother, and their stepmother and her family have no love or patience for them if they act out, so it is not unusual that they would act out more.
, please understand that I don't know you- I only know what you wrote here, so if my response comes off harsh, take it for what it is.

"I don't know if I should just forget his feelings so that I could enjoy my family???" I think what's wrong with that sentence is indicative of what's wrong with this situation. When you married your husband, he AND his kids became part of your family, and unless or until you accept that, you are going to be miserable and make him and his kids miserable, too. None of what you described sounds out of the norm for boys in that age group, especially ones from broken homes, ones who were abandoned by their mother and treated as a burden and source of resentment by their stepmother. He is your husband, they are his kids, and they ARE your family now, for better or for worse, so you should not run roughshod over their feelings. However, judging from your description of your birth family's attitude toward the situation, I can see where you learned how to be sensitive to the feelings of others.

I hate to say this, but these kids are miserable and need help. I understand that they drive you crazy, but do you think they don't know how everyone feels about them? Do your parents treat them like they're family or like they're interlopers? Do they buy "your" daughter things, and ignore their existance?

Kids are NOT stupid - they can sense emotions. They're young, barely into puberty, and their mom left them, and apparently their step family doesn't like them either. That sucks. Get some family counseling so they can get the help they need to deal with their anger.

So I'm hoping you didn't fully mean for this question to come off negatively about your step children. But, I agree with your husband. It is crazy for you or your family to expect that you can just "send away" his kids like they are not a part of the family. I understand that they are a handful, but you knew that before you married their father. It doesn't sound good either that you feel like your "sacrificing.". They probably have some attachment issues if their mother is not involved at all in their lives and they probably sense that none of you like them and talk about them like they are a burden, which won't help with their behavior problems. Personally, my family treats and considers my boyfriend's daughter to be like their own grandchild, even though she has no biological connection to them. They do it because I love him and he loves her. They handle her difficult behaviors and would never think to turn her away for any holiday event or family function. It seems to me like maybe you don't get where your husband is coming from more then him not getting you.

EDIT: Okay I'm gonna add this, because I re-read that you do at least feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Why don't instead of sending away, you guys just do your own family thing? This way your family can avoid whatever problems they have and your stepsons can still feel like they are with their family for the holidays.

You've had them for the past 5 years and they still act this way?
You need some professional help. They may be acting out for many reasons, but when it gets to the point that their family doesn't want them around, something needs to be done. Are they like this all the time or just around large family gatherings?
Your husband doesn't get it? Get what? He doesn't get that they misbehave or he doesn't get how you feel about them?
It would seem to me that perhaps they don't really feel like they are part of your family. Meaning YOU, your parents, etc.
Just throwing that out there.
I would get some counseling for them. And for you and your husband too. They need to know they don't need to get bad attention when you all get together. They don't have to be the "demons" of the family.
If it's gone on this long, it will be work to change it, but kids are worth it.

Best wishes.

I wish you the best.

The boys should get hurt and upset if they dont get something when "your" daughter does. When you married your husband, they became your family too. If they were so bad, you shouldn't have married him. I really can't believe you are asking this question. And what kind of family do you come from where they feel it even remotely acceptable to ask you to ship the boys somewhere else? Seriously?

do they have any therapy? They are most likely really angry at their mother for leaving them. etc...
It sounds really horrible for you to say that having them is a sacrifice you have to have, to be with their father. You chose your new family, you cant just send the kids away for the holidays.

I don't understand if you both have raised them since they were 5 and 6 why you have not been able to parent them and teach them behaviors that are acceptable, that you have taught your own daughter. From personal experience my brother who is 45 had been very rude to me and my daughters the last few years and come to find out he has always felt as an outsider because he and my sister are from 2 different dads then myself and younger brother. We grow up as siblings and my dad treated us all the same in our home but my dads family only gave me gifts and love and made it clear they were not part of that family and meant nothing to them and he is scarred till this day. I believe my mom and dad should have never put us children in that situation. If my dads family did not accept us as equals we should have not been part of that side of the family.These little boys may be fighting back because they feel nobody but there dad loves them. Just try to think if someone treated your daughter the way you and your family treat these boys, how that would make you feel. Their father should have stood single till they were 18 for everyones sake because it seems everybody is miserable. You are not happy, the boys could not possible be happy and I am sure it breaks your husbands heart how his boys are treated and if your daughter senses the problems it affects her too. It's a bad situation all around for everybody involved and my heart goes out to you all. May everyone find some love in your hearts to try to turn this situation around for everyones sake.

I agree with the other post that I have read. First off, if you only love people when they are easy to love that is not really loving at all. Anyone can love someone when they are easy, it's loving in the hard times and misbehaviors that is true love. Second, usually the kids that you feel are acting undeserving of your unconditional love, are the ones that need it the most.

The way I see it is that if the kids have always been kept at any arms length by being considered "step kids" or "your husbands kids" on top of the fact that they have already been abandoned by one mom and are labeled as bad kids.. why would they want to behave for you? you are behaving badly as a role model for them, how can you expect anything different from them? They are the children here. After a child is abandoned by their mother, a person who is suppose to love them unconditionally, they feel rejected, hurt, fearful, and sad. Then to enter the life of a woman that is not willing to love them unconditionally, that's got to be hurtful. The fact that you would send them away proves their thoughts of you to be true. Ask yourself, if your husband were to leave you, would you continue a relationship with these children like you would your own? If the answer is "no," then you are really not being a much better step mom they are being step kids.

Good luck. I hope this forum helps you to grow an unconditional bond with those kids. They are not the ones misbehaving, they are acting completely appropriate for the situation. It is you who is letting them down. They need someone.

In advance, I'm sure you're not going to like this...for that I apologize. You seem absolutely hostile toward these boys. Do you think that maybe they are picking up on the fact that you don't like them? They seem to be doing things that 10-11 year old boys do on a regular basis.

When you married their dad, THEY became your family too. It is a package deal. These boys need your love and support, not to feel like since now that you are there they need to hurry and grow up and get the heck out. I commend your husband for defending the boys on this one.

I hope you are able to see from outside the situation and realize that how you are acting toward them will only bring negative response. And I'm completely confused as to what "more than their share of food" means. That just sounds silly. Wait to see what they eat when they are teenagers!

Yes, the behavior you describe is difficult, and would get on anyone's nerves. I think, though, that the boys may act up more because they can tell that the relatives don't want them and don't consider them part of the family. The next time someone asks if they can go with "their own family," politely tell them that this IS their family. When you married your husband, it was a package deal.

My brother and sister are products of my mom's first marriage. We spent every holiday with my dad's relatives, and I would have been totally appalled if they had been treated any differently than the other kids. They weren't - all the aunts, uncles etc. treated them the same way they treated those of us with blood ties. My husband and I have twice had custody of a niece and nephew from my side, and we expected his relatives to treat the children equally, especially around the holidays, and they did. If one child in your family gets a gift, they ALL should get a gift. It's unfair to penalize kids for their bloodlines. They may not have been yours at birth, but they're yours now!

I'm sure you make the expectations clear to your kids before you get to any gatherings, and it can be tough to enforce consequences in a group, buit make sure that you follow through. The worst thing anyone could do is pretend that the behavior isn't happening. If a child interrupts, they should be told, "Wait a moment, I'm speaking to someone else." If they ask for money, the person they ask should say, "That's not appropriate," and you should reinforce that later. If they can't serve themselves, get their plates for them. If they fight, send them outside and tell them, "That behavior is unacceptable here."

It will all be worth it in years to come!

How would you feel if it were reversed? If your husband's family didn't give your daughter presents when they gave 'their' family presents? If they wanted her to go away? You'd be horrified, and rightly so.

These boys are your family. For all purposes you are the closest thing these boys will EVER have as a mother. You need to become their advocate, too. Don't treat these boys as step-sons anymore.

Poor little guys. Maybe they need some counseling, and someone to stand up for them and be their champion. How about some one on one time with their dad. Are they involved in any extracurricular activities, like soccer, baseball, tae kwon do, piano, drawing, acting classes, household chores and responsibilities... how about boys scouts, it would be wonderful for them...? It really sounds like they need to learn ways to focus their energy and some firm discipline and boundaries, as well as lots of quality time and positive reinforcement. They feel rejected by their mother, and their other family doesn't want anything to do with them either due to some behavior issues. To them , it certainly isn't fair their little half sister gets gifts and they don't. It would hurt my feelings too if I was a child and went through that. It's no wonder they act out.

In short, I would not exclude them from having holidays with their dad and your family. Have a very firm but loving talk with them together about what behavior is appropriate, what the discipline will be when they are out of line. Follow through on the discipline, but also make sure to follow up with love and praise for the good things they do as well. Give them the opportunity to do good and plenty of activities to keep them busy and nurtured.

Here are some resources for boys this age that can help you guys out:

There are some really great books here on raising boys these ages, I've heard really good things about "Raising Cain" and will be reading it soon since i also have 2 boys.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3...

http://www.preteenagerstoday.com/resources/articles/boyba...

I just want to give you some support here and say that I do not like people attacking you and saying that these kids are "yours" and that "they are poor little guys" and you are an "evil step-mother".
You got these kids in a marriage deal, you are not their mother. You have to be civil and fair but you cannot have them trump you and your family values.
I really do not want to open the can of worms and question why you married the guy with kids...hope it was worth it...people have different reasons or sometimes no reason at all...think love can handle all...and gravely mistaken when it comes to reality of the everyday life...
Their father has to be primary disciplinarian for them, you are just a support person. Why do you have this strange situation where you are taking time off to raise them? I do not understand....
You need to back off a bit and let him be the daddy and mommy (after all, it was his choice to father them with the woman who ran away...I agree that it is not kids fault, but sertainly, not yours...)
Families have rules, if your family rules are not respected and the father cannot controll the boys, then they cannot come to the gathering. Why cannot you all visit the other set of grandparents this Thanksgiving and may be lay some ground rules for Christmass gathering so the boys will be better behaved and can visit your family. Splitting the family just doesn't feel right....(that's about just sending the boys off with their other grandparents).
It's a tough one!
Talk to your hubby - he needs to controll his kids!

So, your family doesn't seem to like the boys and neither do you??? Their father would be doing them a favor by keeping them away from both of you. They are children that were abandoned by their mother and now they have you and your family to deal with. Wow. That's too bad especially since you as the adult entered into this marriage knowing that you'd have two stepsons. Not only do the boys pick up on your behavior and feeling towards them, but I guarantee you that your daughter will to.

This is one of the saddest posts I have ever read. Instead of being so concerned with your "loving" family's feelings, try having some empathy for your chidlren. Yes, they are YOUR children. If you don't see it that way then you are clearly not invested in your marriage. Seek some professional help to instill positive social behaviors in your sons so that others do not dread being around them. Until then, celebrate your holidays at home with your husband and children and invite family members for short visits.

You didn't just marry him, you married his children too.
If you came into their lives at age 5 and 6, and their mother is "out of the picture", then YOU are their mother. Take responsibility for their actions. It is much easier to do at 10 and 11, then at 13 and 14 or older.
Set limits with them. Talk through what your expectations will be for spending time with THEIR family (using indoor voices, showing respect for others, listening) or else face immediate consequences. Deal with it now, or else face a rougher future. My guess is that no one has really spent the time into them they need and deserve. If their mom is awol, imagine the abandonment issues they have. Get them a counselor to work on these issues and perhaps your own to work on some of your own resentment of them. Support your husband by acknowledging that you are a team when it comes to child rearing ALL of the kids. Tell your parents they shouldn't buy presents unless it's for all of the kids. That just reaffirms their feelings of not being wanted. Trust me, they feel it from you. So NO, you should not forget hubby's feelings and just enjoy your family. PLEASE! How selfish is that?? He feels it from you too. If you want your marriage to work, then WORK at it. Be the mom these kids deserve. Yes, it's hard, and it's not fair that another woman's mistakes are making your life difficult. But that's what you signed on for. There's support groups out there for you too. Pray. Be strong, be a good role model, so that these boys choose a loving woman to partner with in the future, instead of a carbon copy of their mother, or a detached selfish woman. Good luck to you.

There's something terribly wrong with your note but let me assure that it's not the kids. Let me clearly state that these kids are being blamed of bad behavior that seems to be the result the environment they're in. This environment includes adults who should be able to control these kids so that they exhibit acceptable behavior in different environments. When you married your hubby, you already knew about these "bad" kids and decided to move forward with the marriage, now you and your family complaint about it. I hope you've learned a lesson or two about marrying folks with "bad" kids. Now, you and yours seem to agree that the best thing for these kids is to ship them out to a relative because you and yours can't stand their terrible behavior. You are wrong!!! Sending them to another home won't change these kids for the better, most likely they'll come back the same or worse. These kids need discipline with lots of love; step up to the plate or leave the stage. I know you took time off to help these kids but according to you, it helped them none. A very disciplined environment along with lots of love will change them for the better and you and your husband want to team up on this. It won't be easy, but it's likely it'll be one of the best things you'll accomplish in your life. Don't be afraid to take charge of the situation; full change if need be, in order to assist these kids. No shipping them nowhere!!

I haven't read the other responses yet but you should fully understand that the children and their father are a package deal!! You have been raising them for half of their life!! At this point in their life they should be considered your children as well so there shouldn't be different treatment. You may feel that your family is very loving but to suggest that they be shipped out for the holidays is just awful! You and hubby need to work harder on this family.

I have two little boys, and it BREAKS my heart to imagine them someday being in a situation where their food is rationed, and they are expected to sit idly by while their sister receives a gift and they get none.

I'm not a step-mother, or the mother of boys that age, but wow, instead of trying to shove them off on "their family", I would suggest learning how to love them and live with them as part of "your family".

K

As bad as they may be they are only children.
You said that they get mad when your daughter is the one that gets gifts from her grandparents. Honestly they should maybe feel more like they are also a part of your family,and when they are not included in the gift giving they get upset. You said that you took time off to work on their behavior, while you are also saying that you are only doing this out of the love for your husband. If you truly love your husband maybe consider that they are also a part of him, and tolerating children is not the same as showing them love and affection. Their mother chose not to participate in their lives and they look to you to fill that void. As much as you make them a part of your everyday life you want to cut them out of the most beautiful holiday children enjoy most. They are your family as much as your husband is. My plea to you is to not abandon them as their mother has done.

Excuse me for saying this, but have you read your own post? If you did, you would probably think "what the hell is this woman thinking" just like most of the other readers did! you are their MOTHER, the only one they have and it's heartbreaking that you don't view them as your children. Saying that they need to go visit "their family". Honey when you marry someone that IS your family! It sounds like the kids are crying out for attention and you and your "loving family" continue to push them away. Sounds like you are the one that doesn't get it.

I would stay at home and just make my visits short this year. My 3 year old grandson has behavior issues and we are working on getting him evaluated right now. But to take him around family is not something I would do. I only take him to my families homes for very short visits. Think just for dinner or gift exchanges.

I learned a lot from Love and Logic classes. It works wonders on older kids too. they figure out what happens because it is a natural consequence. I only had to have someone take J, the 3 yr. old, out of Wal-Mart 1-2 times before he figured out I didn't want to be around him if it wasn't fun. He had to go sit in the car with papa and I took my time and shopped and had fun.

I don't blame your husband for being upset, these are his children. Being a mom to your stepsons should not be a compromise and if you feel that it is, you should not be with their dad. If they were your biological children and were doing things that bothered you, would you ship them to your husband's family for the holidays? If the answer is no then you shouldn't try to do it to them. Are you saying your parents buy for your daughter and not your stepsons? They shouldn't act like that but your parents are being inconsiderate if that is the case.

You said their biological mom is not in the picture, that means you are their mom and they probably sense you don't want to be. Having two moms that "don't want them" probably adds to the bad behavior. Having extended family that don't want them doesn't help either.

I firmly believe that kids should be treated as the children/grandchildren of both biological and step parents and their families as if they are the biological children...not like a burden or second class citizens. From your post it is coming through that you don't consider them part of YOUR family.

No doubt their behavior needs to improve but I bet it would improve if peoples attitudes towards them changed.

Wow. Just wow.
So very sad. Their mom is "out of the picture" and their stepmom from a "loving family" would rather not have them around.
Too bad you can't send them to a kennel, because that's what it sounds like you'd prefer doing.

When you agreed to marry a man with children who had an absent mother, you agreed to marry who he is and what he brings. He brought with him two children who did not have a mother. You agreed to marry the entire package.
That said, does your husband not allow you to be a disciplinarian that you should be? I don't understand why at their age you cannot give simple corrections and instructions. My kids have rules, and you should be able to give rules to your kids.
I'm sure there are rules with your family, and if they don't follow them there should be consequences. We have Thanksgiving at my parent's house. My Dad gives rules to all the kids that come, including one scoop of a dish at a time. They are way older than necessary to give rules to. They need to be given rules with consequences if they do not follow them. You are part of their package. Time you and your family start acting like the boys' family also, because you are. I think it is rude of your mother to not get at least a little something for the boys if she got something for your daughter. She needs to see these kids of the man you married as her grandkids also.
Sorry, I brought a daughter in with my husband who had an 'absent daddy' and my husband knew the role he was taking on. He IS her dad. His parents ARE her grandparents. You and your family need to step up for these boys. Really, they NEED you guys. Surely you guys have the hearts to see that instead of just trying to get rid of them so you can have peace? If you didn't want them, you shouldn't have married the man that had them, knowing the mom was absent.

Wow, where is the compassion? If you can't handle your step kids, then go to family counseling or get a divorce.
They have already been dumped by their own mother, and now the only family they have left wants to dump them with their extended family for the holidays?
I don't blame your husband for getting mad. What a heartbreaking situation for everyone concerned.

As far as the holidays go, perhaps you and your husband can offer the boys some sort of incentive for good behavior during holiday gatherings. Also work with them on their manners beforehand. Or stay at home with them, with you and your daughter stopping by to visit with your family for a couple of hours. Just don't desert them.

Could you slip them some Benadryl before and during Thanksgiving?

All kidding aside, WOW, your own family actually asked this to your face? That alone tells me that they have way too much influence over you. They do not have the right to influence you and your nuclear family in such a negative way. Who do they think they are? You are the mother to these boys.

Please remember: "All things are permissible. But not all things are beneficial."

May I ask what did you do during the 4 years you took a leave of absence? That seems like it would be enough time with them to teach them appropriate manners. But the issues you bring up sound like classic boyhood behaviors, especially boys who come with such backgrounds. You don't mention what you have done with them the last 4 years? I hope they are actively involved in organized sports, especially a martial arts that focuses on self-discipline and confidence and respect for others.

And when you're feeding growing young boys/men, what does it meant 'taking more than their fare share of food?" Is money tight and there's not enough turkey and mashed potatoes to go around? Make more food or feed them before you go so they are not so ravished or something. This sounds like a silly item to be scrutinizing and commenting on. But since this is the level of criticism they are enduring, the rest of the behavior stands to reason. I'd probably get into a fight at the age of 10 too if I was told I was taking too much food.

Honestly, you've come this far, you probably have a good gut feeling of what it is they are needing from you and Dad. Love, support and acceptance. Why has their mother abandoned them? Do they even comprehend this? Do they remember her? The holiday's must be extra difficult for them when they have to face other in tact families.

You are not going to like my answer but these kids are YOUR family. My husbands family treats my oldest just like their own and always have. They don't get something for the other grandkids and not my son that is plain rude especially to by something for just your daughter and give it to her in front of the boys! I don't blame your husband for being upset but if the mom is not in the picture then the boys should spend the holidays with their family, you and hubby. You don't have to go anywhere for the holidays. Holidays can get very overwhelming and chaotic. Why not try and enjoy a nice quiet holiday at home just you and your family? As for the boys bad behavior get them in some type of therapy not having your biological mom around is tough on kids. Your boys remind me a lot of two cousins I have their mom was out of the picture when they were growing up and their behavior was horrible and they both turned into the biggest drug addicts I know because no one ever got them the help they needed or really put their foot down with them. Did Dad never put his foot down with them when they were younger before you were around? My best friend actually ended her relationship with a very nice man because she could not tolerate the boys behaviors and they sound a lot like the two you describe and their behavior was this way because their dad let them do just about anything including staying home from school just because they didn't want to go all in an attempt to try and make things up to them because they lacked a mom.

maybe if you start thinking of them as your sons, instead of your "stepsons" your family will too...

i am sure the kids pick up on the fact that your family doesn't want them around and they act accordingly.

Holidays can be a stressful time for families. Lay out the ground rules before they go and demand cooperation. Do you allow them to talk back to you at home?--If you do, then it is wrong to expect them to act differently with company. If you do not allow this at home, then punish them the same way. Be consistent with your consequences. If your daughter is given presents and the boys are not, you need to discuss this with your family. All three children are part of your family and they should be recognized by your family. What type of planned activities do you have for them to do at your family's house? Boys are going to roughhouse unless they have lots of activities to do. You said that you spent four years getting their behavior under control-during that time you probably complained to your family about having to deal with the boys and they got early glimpses of their bad behavior. You have probably skewed their opinion of the boys. If Dad is not actively involved in disciplining the boys, he needs to be! It is much harder to control out of control teenagers. Maybe some parenting classes would be a good idea for both of you.

WOW I thought I have seen it all I had a stepmother who never wanted me around and I knew and I grew up hating her still do they do it to you because they know how you feel they are little boys and I feel bad for them and your husband you basically asked him to choose between you and his sons and you dont see why he is mad. Those two young men have had a parent abandon them and need someone to love them. If my husband ever said anything like this or his family about my son I would be livid look at your post it is heartless. Me my I you are only thinking about you feel not those kids. HAVE SOME COMPASSION FOR THOSE TWO LOST LITTLE BOYS THEY ARE NOT ANIMALS THEY HAVE SOULS AND NEED GUIDANCE THERE HOME IS WITH YOU AND THEIR DAD NOT HIS FAMILY YOU ARE GIVING UP ON THEM THEY DONT NEED THAT THEY NEED LOVE.
THINK LONG AND HARD IF YOU REMARRIED AND YOUR HUSBAND SAID SEND YOUR DAUGHTER HOME WITH HER FAMILY YOU WOULD BE HURT. POOR THOSE KIDS AND YOUR HUSBAND.

YOUR POST MADE ME CRY FOR THEM AND REMINDED ME WHAT I WENT THROUGH.

OH BROTHER!!! I only got through maybe half of these responses but most of these people responding are CLUELESS!!!
I feel sorry for you. I married into a family (my in-laws) that promotes bad behavior in my small children and scolds me for mothering and guiding my own boys. I am now forced to live in my husband's family home, due to our economic misfortune and have become increasingly disenchanted with my husband and feel defeated by my life. The answer of course is couples' therapy, find a way to get out of that house and pull yourself up by your bootstraps and handle your situation! MY POINT of sharing that with you is, YEAH DUH!!! But reality sometimes stands in the way of us having a nice life.
Sometimes 10 and 11 year olds are so damaged either by life's circumstances or genetically that they behave badly in spite of it all. I am so irritated with all of these responders who are looking down theirs noses at you.
With that out of the way, it sounds a little late for this Thanksgiving to be saved. Does your husband not see the bad behavior? Maybe it's time to look into some outside help to straighten out your new little family. There must be some kind of program that the 4 of you can attend to help you all be happy. Don't try to continue to take this upon yourself. You are IN IT and probably can't ever fix it without some professional assistance.
I would maybe suggest that if your family members are giving gifts to some children and not providing for other children that they might be making matters worse for you. Your husband as well as the boys probably resent that, if your husband is even engaged in the situation enough to notice.
There's a lot more to your story that out could possibly have posted here.

Good luck with your future!

I'm just confused. You want to send them to "their family?" Aren't you and your husband their family?? It sounds like they are screaming for attention, if not acceptance. Your family doesn't sound very loving to me, sorry. I'm in no way excusing poor behavior...but...accept them, love them, nurture them...and THEN try to correct behavior. They will never listen to you and respect you, until you accept them. It just won't happen. YOU ARE their family. Don't you think they know you don't look at them as yours? How awful a feeling, that must be. Don't ship them off, because you don't feel like having them around. Get some family counseling. Learn how to deal with these boys and love them correctly. Help them wade through their emotions concerning their mother, their life, and you.

You should not forget your husband's feelings. Would you want him, to forget about yours? I think not, truthfully. He doesn't "get it," because most people would not get why their spouse would want to treat their children like this. Maybe, you could step in his shoes, for a bit and see why his thinking, is really not so bad.

I agree that once you marry someone who has kids, you can't exclude them from your family just because they are misbehaving. Kids from divorce are usually messed up not because they're evil, but because of what their parents did. This is a situation for compassion, not a situation that needs to be ignored and pushed away. If you weren't up for handling step children, you shouldn't have married him. I have to admit that I wouldn't be up for it. Either way, you shouldn't take their father away for your own comfort.

May I make one more suggestion, maybe you can all go to family counseling to help figure out why the boys are acting out and how you can become one happy family.

Best wishes, M.

I think you may end up regretting this post as I'm not sure you're going to get anyone completely on your side! You're husband getting extremely mad at your suggestion is understandable. My goodness if I had children that my husband didn't like, that relationship would not end up well. You are essentially these boys mother now, so address them and your concerns. Tell them what you expect out of them while at dinner. Tell them what types of behavior are not appropriate. 10 and 11 year olds understand direction, and boundaries. It's not like you're dealing with 3 or 4 year olds.

I totally agree with alot of the ladies here. You married your husband knowing that he had kids. You can not just back away from these kids. You said you had them for the past 5 years, so what happen during those years? Why was there no parenting during those years? Did you ignore them? or just let them do what they wanted? Why is it that your daughter is the only behaved one? Do you only pay attention to her, because she is your flesh and blood?
Because if your parents only give gifts to her and not the boys, well you and your family are at fault for making these boys feel left out and so they act out.
They have no other mother! You have been their mother for the past 5 years and you should be the one loving, careing and disciplining them. Your family knows you married a man with kids, and now they are yours. So they have to invite you and your whole family and not just who ever they want.
I would feel horrified if my husbands family didn't want my child at their home just because she didn't behave.
The kids are a reflection of their parents, so you need to look into the mirror and see what you are doing wrong. You shouldn't say it's a sacrifice to be with them for your husband, you knew he had kids and now you either be a mom or you need to think this over and get out.
I also wanted to add: I have a friend that married a man with two young boys too. Some of us thought she was in over her head. She was young and never had any kids of her own. The boys mother was and still is mostly completely out of the picture. She totally showed us that she could be a real mother to these boys. One of them has ADHD and give her the most trouble, but she has never turned her back on him. She actually looked into getting him help and her family. They are teenagers now and she loves and cares for them like if they were her own. She doesn't talk about them like if they were only her husbands kids. It's always "My Boys" do this do that. Weather it's a good thing or bad, they are always hers. She has become a great mother and wife. She put her self into this marriage because she loves her husband and the kids that came with him.
Think about it and get some counseling with your husband and all your kids. Love with them with no end, and care for them like they did come from you. It is a horrible feeling knowing your own mother abandoned you and that your new step-mother really doesn't want you around. Good Luck and hopefully everything will work out. Sorry if it was too forward.

I would not send the boys away. They are bad now, but could become so much worse if they figure out you don't want them around.

Can you get a break somehow?

Can you take a gift from your parents to the boys and tell them ahead of time? I did this when dd's grandmother was showing favoritism and it helped.

Why not take turns going to visit 'your' family one Thanksgiving and 'his' family the next Thanksgiving? That way you ALL get to spend holiday time with ALL of your family! Isn't your family also your husbands, and your husbands family also yours?

i know EXACTLY how you feel. My stepson knows how to manipulat the situation and does it with my husband and in laws. It's getting worse as he gets older. And of course I bring things up and my husband automaically gets very defensive. I keep bringing up WE are parenting together but he sees that i am against his son. He tells me that hiim and his parents are in agreeance that it's ME. Well, i don't care what others say.

My family doesn't mind him being around, but not EVERYTIME. We are lucky that he is with him mom so we can go to my family enough without him around at all. It sounds mean but if i could he woudln't go with us until he learned how to be respectful of others.

I would suggest tha one holiday you take them with you and the other holiday let him go to the other grand parents. don't bring up as a way for them not to be with your famiy, but a way to spend more time with their other grandparents.

I have gotten to the point, I have told my husband that if things don't change, then when his son comes over, myself and our kids will go somewhere else every time. You can tell him, that you and the other kids are going to your family, and that he is welcomed, but not the kids. Leave it at that.

my family will get my stepson things ONLY when he is with us at their house otherwise they don't. he isn't their grandchild, or acutal nephew, so they don't feel they have to. And i have told them, that they don't have it, it's up to them. I do know my family has asked for pictures without him in it as family pictures. To me, i am ok with that, as i do know if anything were to ever happen to my husband I would NEVER see him again as he is not mine in anyway.

i am sure a TON of people would be against this, but i undestand what you are going through completley. Good luck

Have you tried putting foot to....butt!?!? If we EVER talked back or disrespected an adult....we were not able to sit down later on. Don't let them run the show! It's sad that their mom isn't involved, but that's her issues. Dad needs to step up to bat and put them in line!

Hi K., I hope that you all survived the holidays!
Of course, there's no way that any of us posters can really 'see' into your situation enough to give you all the answers but I think that you've gotten some excellent advice nonetheless. Try to remember to close your eyes and breathe deeply, calmly, purposefully, everyday. It's simple but it really helps. Try to imagine things from the boys' point of view as often as possible. They are SCREAMING for love and acceptance :'( I am sure they make it extremely difficult -boys are very different from girls, especially damaged, angry boys!- but if you can show it (unconditional love and acceptance) to them as much as possible ('fake it 'till you make it!) I can GUARANTEE that you'll eventually see improvement (unless their behaviour is due to mental illness, which does not appear to be the case based on what you've written). Their trust and self-worth is shot, and they need alot of help to rebuild it. Honestly, your daughter has the potential to have 2 awesome brothers, and you have 2 amazing, unique people that you can call 'son' if you can find it in your heart to see things another way. This wasn't your plan but you can dream a new dream and you might be amazed by what you thought you wanted or didn't want ;-) Some of us would give anything to have a large, crazy family!
I wish your family all the best, and big hugs -Suzi
PS As far as 'forgetting your hubby's feelings' No, of course you shouldn't. But maybe you could find time to spend alone with your extended family, without him or the kids. Just a day or 2, or even a few hours, if they live close. That does wonders for me, to allow me to really talk without having to worry about the kids. Best of luck :-)

FAMILY Therapy!!!!! I haven't read everyone's comments...but I 2nd what I have read....YOU are their Mother. Apparently, the only one they've ever known. YOU & YOUR family don't want them around? HELLO!!! I'm surprised you are still even married if you treat your husband like this..."Just forget HIS feelings so that you can enjoy YOUR family?" Take some time, find a good therapist & figure out how to help YOUR (immeditate) family work for EVERYONE in it. That will make the times you are around other "extended" family members easier to handle, because you will feel more connected to your husband & sons. Sorry....STEPsons....HATE that word, makes the kids feel like they are less-than & a total BURDEN to you!!

BTW, Some of the behavior you describe is actually normal boy behavior. Take them to the park before dinner, have them run & play & get out some of that energy & they may be MUCH calmer during the time in the house. Some of the behaviors described could also be ADD/ADHD, have you ever looked into that with either of them? Do they act this way in school? That would be a clue that the behaviors aren't just a reaction from being treated so horrid from the extended family....NOT giving them presents? I understand that your parents might love & adore "their" grandchild a lit bit more than the others...but they shouldn't be showing it. Good Luck. Remember that you control the atomosphere for YOUR family...your parents, etc..they are your EXTENDED family. Good Luck!

I have read other persons post and I think they are missing the key compensate your husbands children who are not well behaved blood or not know one wants to be around children who are not well behaved know one wants to be around and adult who is not well behaved and gets on your nerves it is no fun when you have to tolerate someone and it is stressful for everyone.
I think that sometimes you need a break and sometimes you just want to enjoy your family and the memories you once shared and your situation is complicated. In this case if you can split your time that would be great perhaps you can meet with his family for an early Thanksgiving and go see your in the evening with your daughter and have your husband do an activity with the boys so that none of them feel that they were excluded. I feel for you because the behavior of your stepchildren alienates you from your family which will cause you to resent them.

You keep talking about my family vs their family. You ARE their family. You are the only mother that they know. You need to start treating them and loving them as if they are your own flesh and blood. I am sure that they can see the difference in how you treat them vs your own daughter and that is why they act out. It made me sad to hear that you think having them around is a sacrifice you have to bear. And I agree with them that it isn't fair for your parents to give presents to your daughter and not to them. They should treat your sons as part of the family as well. You have been their mother since they have been young. You really need to change your attitude towards them. If you start treating them as sons, rather than outsider step sons, hopefully you will see a change in their behavior. If not, you might have done too much damage already and might need to get some family therapy.