Parents Make Me Feel like a Complete Pig

There is a certain point in an adults life where you just need to tell your parent - hey, this is my life. my house and I think it's fine. So please, I love you, I want you to come over - but you are to never comment on my cleaning style ever again. End of story.

I had to do that with my mom and my weight (don't need comments on a 5 lb gain). And you know what, it worked.

Sometime parents forget that we are not their babies anymore. A good strong reminder done in a nice but forceful way will help.

Good luck.

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Send your parents to my house for comparison... I'm sure they would be happy to eat off your floor after seeing the 'organized chaos' at my house ;) We're clean, just not tidy!! My parents do that to me, make me feel the same way sometimes... but you know what? I still say something! No disrespect intended. If you have nothing nice to say, DAD, don't say anything at all! He's going to keep saying these things unless you tell him how much it bothers you. Yes, you are his daughter, but you're both adults now... it's time to tell him. And unless he's going to come help you clean up, then he really has no business judging you on it to begin with. Hope it gets better!! :)

No need to explain. Your house could very well be filthy if you wanted it that way. It's like JC said-you're an adult and it's your home/life. I had to do this with my parents, too. It works.

First of all, I am sorry you are feeling this way! Having kids at home will always equate to a messy or untidy house. That being said, it's unfair of your dad to make comments, no matter how tidy he is. I would take one of several approaches - tell him directly that his words hurt your feelings. Or I'd make a funny comment like "Oh yes we live in a chaotic untidy house and wouldn't trade it for the world!" You do more than I do - I do NOT dust twice a week. Maybe 1x a month. And if either my mom or MIL said something, I'd jokingly say "You wanna do it?" or make some comment about how I'd rather spend time with my kids than be cleaning!!

I think it sounds like you are doing a wonderful job but cannot live up to your father's expectations. I'd let those go and be happy with who you are and where you live!

Wow! What kind of things are they saying to you? If your home were unhealthy--I could see them saying something and trying to help. But if it's neat like you say---then they need to bud out! Maybe don't have them visit you at your home anymore. Meet at a park or restaurant or mall. You don't need that kind of stress! My parents love me--I know that---and I am an average housekeeper. I LOVE it being clean--just don't LOVE cleaning. My parents were visiting from out of state (I live in AZ). My piano was dusty. Well, in AZ you could dust and in 5 minutes you would need to dust again. My mom said to me "Your piano needs dusting." I said, "The dusting stuff is in the laundry room. Knock yourself out!" Ha ha!! She didn't dust the piano--and neither did I---and we both survived! So, maybe you need to have a comeback like that ready when they come over next time. It worked for me! If they offer to help--let them!!

Parents never stop being parents... and they always treat you like a kid it seems. Quit stressing on it. You are who you are and your housekeeping is what it is. They are coming to visit you not your house, keep that in mind and don't let it bug you. Sometimes we can never live up to the standard our parents want us to, and they think we are a reflection of them, and this is why they can be anal..... they judge themselves thinking they didnt do a good job teaching you life skills or whatever.
You might just reassure Daddy that he was a great Dad and you wouldnt
change a thing about your upbringing, but there must be gene in the gene pool that swam in and eliminated some of your organizational skills ;)
Just don't let the comments bug you. Keep the kitchen and bathroom sanitary for obvious reasons and just try to shelve and toss things that seem messy.... it really isnt all that hard. If your dad is a neat freak... that is his problem and his neurosis, not yours Chickie. Hope this helps.

everytime they say something about you being a slob, your reply should be "I'm working on it", because you are! Dont stress about this. If the house was perfect, they would probably move on to something else to pick on. Just keep up the good work! You do more than some of us do! :D

Unfortunately I couldn't read all the other responses (don't know why, my laptop is weird sometimes), so I might recommend something twice. But then again, that might give you a feeling, like it's really important and you might wanna try, if somebody else suggested it.

First off, you sound like a very neat person. Next if I were you, I would like to try www.flylady.com . Somebody else recommended it to me and this person saved my life quite literally. I also though, I was a slob before that and then I found out that this wasn't quite true and I found encouragement. I hope, you will, too.

The other advice is. Read these books (if you can't buy them, get them from the library, they are farely famos, so they should have them):
- "Sidetracked Home Executives: From pigpen to paradise" written by the "slob sisters" Pam Young and Peggy Jones
- "Sink Reflections" written by the "FlyLady" Marla Cilley
- "The Happiness File"
- "Saving Dinner Basics"
and
- Saving Dinner" by Leanne Ely

If they won't help (which I don't think, I think, they will be very helpful), they will give you a good laugh.

Hope this helps! Good luck, S.

I have one suggestion.....you mentioned your dining room table being messy all the time. Usually the table is a focal point in the room, the first thing people notice when they walk in. You have to sort out the mess on that table and keep it clear. I have to battle that myself. I noticed once I cleared the mess ( usually mail, magazines, paper towels and napkins) the whole room looks better and more organized. Just a suggestion. Good luck !!!

Can you just visit with them other places than your house?

Your house sounds cleaner than my house - but if they have high standards it probably will grate on them. However it's not your job to fix your house to their standards.

Could you just answer "yes" when there's a comment about your house and will it get left at that? Can you be okay with the house and also okay with your dad wanting it to be cleaner? In other words, he can want it cleaner, but that doesn't mean that you need to have it cleaner.

Hi, C.:
Have you ever asked him why he says stuff that hurts your feelings?
Just want to know. D.

Our parents make us what we are, with all of our strengths AND our insecurities. It is obvious from your post that you are an EXTREMELY neat and clean parent and are doing an above-normal job at keeping your house clean!! Kudos to you! I'm sorry that your Dad undermines your confidence, it sounds like he is a little obsessive-compulsive when it comes to neatness and order. Either that or this dynamic he has built with you is just not one he can get out of, no matter how neat you are. You just have to put on your teflon underwear when it comes to this issue and know that his words cannot stick to you.

Keep doing a great job, and try to ignore this, in my opinion, MAJOR flaw in his character. I hope there aren't other areas where he saps your strength, and your confidence, and undermines your abilities as he is clearly doing here. The behavior he is exhibiting is very toxic for you, if it is "only" the neatness issue, you can try to ignore it. If there are many issues, I wouldn't be so quick to advise that. Remember, his behavior, and your opinion of yourself, will affect how your children turn out as well.

C.,
If you think about it--no O. can "make" you feel any way at all. That's all you.
You sound like you're doing a great job at "taming the beast" as I like to think of the potential clutter pitfalls in my house. I do like a clean, organized house, but it does get out of hand sometimes.
Check out www.flylady.net for some great strategies to keep up with stuff, especially the "hot spots" that tend to accumulate paperwork, etc.
It really sounds to me like you're trying to get organized for YOU, not them, and that's great. O. day your kids will be grown and gone and you will miss the clutter--maybe that's what your dad is feeling?

it's sad you can't talk to your parents without worrying they will be mad at you. What do they do when they do get mad? I think you should look into a local moms group or join some group that you are interested to meet other moms. Good luck!!

You're too old to care what your parents think of your housekeeping. Tell your dad to quit saying that, and if he won't, don't let him come over. My dad says a lot of annoying things, that's why I hardly ever visit him.
Your dad's criticizing his adult child is wrong, but only you can make yourself feel bad about this!

I really think that in many aspects our parents still see us as our former selves. You cannot outgrow your labels that they gave you growing up no matter what you do. I was also pretty sloppy growing up but have improved greatly now that I am a Mom(not to your level though!!you sound super-organized and neat BTW) My mom still likes to joke about how messy I was back in the day. She also likes to remind me of every other personality "flaw" that I had as a teenager. It is almost sadistic in a way b/c I am a totally different person now and it almost seems like she drags up the past to bring me down. I am obviously not proud of some of the things that I did as a "normal" teenager and choose to live in the present as my mature self. Anyhow, I guess what I am getting at is to try to not let it bother you. YOU know that you are doing great. And I bet you your friends and neighbors are envious of your organizational abilities as well.

Some older folks just can't stop habits of a lifetime. When they start in, just tell them their opinion has been noted - subject closed. Or if they really don't like it, hand them a mop/sponge/bucketvaccuum and invite them to clean (what ever) to their satisfaction.
My Mom used to literally come to my house and stick her head in my toilet to check under the rim. Now she's too old to travel and just likes the comfort of her own home, but the criticism would just drive me round the bend.
At this point I'm losing the battle with clutter and disorder in my house.
My son's in middle school and I have the remains of the last 2 projects all over the living room and breakfast nook, a half built table top catapult waiting to be finished, birthday presents which haven't found places to be put away yet (he just turned 12), and that doesn't even touch on my husbands photography equipment and tools which seem to be everywhere. Someday I may have a neat house, but it's not going to be any day soon.