F.M.
Hi, H.--
This is a difficult one for you and for your neighbor. I am trying to understand the issues which seem to be many. It sounds like you feel used because the neighbor child is eating a lot at your house and spending a lot of time with your child. Also, you really don't want your child eating at her house (why?) so it does sound like your daughter goes over there at times, too. What is your relationship with the child's mother? How do you know about her financial situation? It sounds like you feel like she has taken advantage of your generosity. I guess what I would want to know is--- do you want to cultivate this relationship for your child and is it a hardship for you to watch the child and feed her snacks? Do you just want to be recognized for all that you have done to help out? There is nothing wrong with wanting to be recognized so please don't feel bad about it. I have been in the same shoes and felt used by others at various times in our lives as well. I remember when I was little we had a neighbor boy who came over every morning and would eat breakfast with us. We were struggling financially and I was resentful. My mother went over and discovered that the kids only had carrots in the refrigerator for breakfast and she never said anything again. I am now struggling financially trying to support my daughter and myself. Sometimes friends will watch her for a bit while I go to meetings, etc. I am not always able to return the favor although I always offer. I am embarrassed for my situation and don't always articulate it well with others. I would feel badly that anyone resented my child going to another person's house. I can't compensate my friends financially right now and most of them are doing well enough financially, but I do try to help them out in a myriad of ways. For instance, I always provide the snacks for all the children when we go out. Friends think we are generous and they love our homemade snacks (I would do this anyway because I love to), but what some don't realize is that I cannot afford to buy snacks when we are out and I love to treat others even if it is only bags of homemade popcorn. Your neighbor may not realize all that you are doing for her daughter. She may think that you and your daughter are enjoying the benefits of friendship and she may not even realize that her daughter is eating so much at your house. She may be embarrassed if she knew and she may also feel badly that you have instructed your daughter to come home if she is hungry while at her house. Maybe your neighbor is struggling with getting her own life together and trying to stay afloat and provide a better life for her child. Then again, your neighbor could be a total clod who lacks sensitivity and is using your house as free child care. Since you are asking this forum for advice, perhaps you can step back and take a deep breath, decide what is most important for your family situation, and go from there. Best of luck to you and your family and neighbors!