Here is a little background: I am a preschool teacher and have been a preschool teacher for 7 years. I have worked with a wide variety of students from major behavior issues to very well behaved kids. I am at a loss on what to do. I know that my children aren't perfect and I don't expect them to be. I have a daughter who will be 3 in May and a son that just turned 1 in March. We had a week off for spring break. My daughter had hand surgery (trigger thumb) everything went well with the surgery. We attend an in home daycare (two 4 year olds, three 3 year olds, two 1 year olds). At daycare their is the owner, 2 daughters, and 2 helpers that could be with my daughter through out the day.
Here is my question: Wednesday my daycare provider contacted me telling me that my daughter has been physical with either another teacher or child. Part of me feels that this is somewhat appropriate behavior for a almost 3 year old. The provider told me that she didn't know what to do with her (this was her worst behavior at daycare and my daughters behavior is making her rethink if she wants to do this any more). I talked to my daughter about it on Wednesday night. She had normal behavior at home Wednesday night. Again on Thursday (today) I get contacted from the provider while I am at work that my daughter was physical with 3 other kids and smiled when another child cried. For this my daughter was placed on her rest blanket to play until play time was over. My daughter also says that she does not want to go to daycare. I know she is only 2 and I can't believe everything she tells me but she often tells me that another little girl is mean to her.
What is a working Mother to do?
Your day care provider sounds kind of lame...3 year olds acting out and being physical are typical issues at that age and a good day care provider should have all kinds of methods to deal with this. We had the best home day care provider for our son...she had 2 boys herself and her youngest was a hard kid and very rambunctious. She could deal with anything and was very smart about it. Maybe you should look for someone more like her.
can you go in and observe somehow? Has the provider said anything to you in front of her that would give her the impression that she may be kicked out? Maybe in her mind that means staying home with you?
The provider seems silly. If shes had your daughter for a while then obviously if this is new she should know to find the cause and not quit her job. Maybe shes fed up with this and has no patience? Maybe time to look for care elsewhere?
You teach preschool you know the answer to this question. When your daycare provider complains about your child's behavior you ask her what did she do? How did she handle it? If she cannot handle a two yr old she should not be caring for your child. you KNOW there are plenty of children out there with MUCH worse behavior than your child. Think of children whose parents are fighting every night, think of children who witness violence in their neighborhood, think of children whose parents think they should never tell a child no, children with sever ADHD. Someone takes care of those children all day every day, because they know how to deal with children. Your childcare provider does sound lame and your daughters days should be filled with great supervision, enrichment and fun and children her own age to interact with!
I have always preferred center day cares over an in-home setting. Especially with a 2 or 3 year old. It's more geared toward "herding" which is an EXTREMELY effective behavioral modification technique at that age. So, I would maybe look for something with more structure and more kids.
My personal opinion is that your daughter needs to be around kids her own age. a 3 year old in a day care with intense interactions with 1 year olds is bound to be frustrating. She would probably be MUCH happier with a group of 10 2-3 year olds.
Also, what does "getting physical" mean? Pushing is very different than, say, punching or throwing bricks. Physical agression without being provoked is a different conversation than if it's in retaliation to a kid that is mean or that she doesn't like (neither is ok, but they should be handled differently).
If a daycare provider says "I don't know what to do with her" it tells me 1 of 2 things.....
1. Your daughter's behavior is SOOOOO bad that it requires intervention beyond "normal" techniques.
or
2. This daycare provider is whack.
I'm just a mom and I would know what to do with an aggressive 2/3 year old..... you re-direct, you're consistent, you provide specific natural consequences for behavior that is unacceptable. So that leads me to suggest that you find a different day care, better suited to meet your daughters needs.
Just my $0.02
Your daughter continues to do it at daycare because there wasn't much of a consequence. She still got to play.
She's not doing it at home because she knows you will not allow it to happen and there will be a consequence.
Kids are not stupid - they will do whatever they are allowed to do. And it will escalate. She doesn't know where the boundaries are at school because they have not established clear boundaries. The daycare provider needs to implement swift and sure consequences for getting physical with another person.
Also, do not allow your daughter to use another child's behavior as an excuse for her actions. My first thought was that she told you this in order to gain your sympathy and redirect the conversation.
What I tell mine is that when we are discussing your bad behavior. you are not allowed to talk about what anyone else did - we are discussing your actions ONLY.
I would say you have to follow your gut on this one. My first impression, not knowing your daughter at all, is that she sounds a bit like a normal three year old. It is very possible that your provider is just not equipped to handle a normal, energetic kid with no impulse control - which is what the average three year old is! My kids certainly were more physical at 2/3 than at 3/4. I would never have called them aggressive though. I think the group of like-aged kids we played with were very similar to mine. Some were less likely to get physical, some more, but for the most part it was a barbaric struggle over toys on a daily basis. We re-directed, corrected etc... It was no biggie! I would find a better place for your daughter. Unless you have put her in other daycare situations where she is also over the top aggressive. My guess is there is either something specific about her daycare that is frustrating her or her provider is just impatient. Either way you should try something else. If you run into the same problem at another place maybe it's time to question if she's lashing out about being in care or needs more socialization.
physically acting out is kind of a 3 yr old thing.
Now why was she allowed to play while in time out?
She should not have been allowed to play after she hit the other child. She was kind of rewarded.
Your daycare provider should have known this.
She needs to be punished not talked with.
I would take this with a grain of salt. Has your daughter ever been physical with anyone while you are around? Have you spoken to the provider and explain that there is someone else there who is being mean to your daughter and maybe that's how she defends herself? Has she told you the specifics of the incident and if an adult was there to see it happened? or did they just take another kid's say about it?
If your daughter is aggressive she will be like that at the daycare and every where else, so keep an eye on her. She just might be acting as she sees best due to the other girl's behavior.
Explain to your daughter that she can't hit or be physical with other kids, that when the little girl gets mean with her, to tell the teacher/provider; but not to touch her because then she is the one that gets in trouble.
See how she acts with her brother if he takes one of her toys and then you can see what her reaction is.
Do they have cameras in the daycare? Can you suggest bringing one in to just see what's going on? My children are older now, 13 (almost 14), 12 and 10. Since they were very little I used to sit down with them and talk to them about hitting others and defending themselves. I also told them that I would defend them from anyone, (even the teachers) as long as they always told the truth; that if I would find out they lie to me, they would be in twice as much trouble. I have had my share of problems, some minor and their fault and some more serious and not their fault, but the key with us has always been good communication.
So, see if you can put a camera (if they don't have one) and see how she acts with others. The fact that she doesn't want to be there either could be a possibility of why she is acting up; but may not necessarily be the only reason.
Blessings
This sounds only too familiar to me. Find a better day care provider, start looking now and hopefully you will find a better one within two weeks.
I had the same experience with my former day care provider starting to complain about my 1 year old. I got verbal reports, written reports, but never anything that would be specific and that would sound disturbing to me at the same time. All seemed to be like behaviors expected from a boy his age and from knowing my son's character. I was wondering why I can control and expect and prevent my sons behavior at home, and she claims she cannot? Then she also suggested on having him evaluated at her day care, so somebody came in and observed and of course then my son was "behaving well". This situation resolved when the day care lady said she did not want my children in her day care anymore.
Well.... Now I have a wonderful provider who never complained about anything like that, and in fact I warned her to possibly expect some of the behavior described by my former provider, and I was also asking her about my son and she always said no she never notices any of that, and yes my son cries for two minutes when I leave in the morning and she he needs to go to nap, but other than that never any problems with his behavior. Hmmmm.
So I am very happy now with my new provider. She has had 25+ years of experience and she has dealt with many toddlers and all the behavior she sees in my son she says is normal for a toddler. Also, understanding toddlers well, she can foresee their intentions and reactions, and she says that my son likes to do everything himself and does not like to be helped, and this is also very normal.
Your day care provider does not sound very credible. It sounds she cannot handle the situation and does not how to and also refuses to. She may also use this as an excuse to refuse care to you in the near future. Don't wait and do find a better environment for your daughter.
Small note: my son always needed a couple of weeks to re-adjust in the daycare after a vacation. He is more cranky right after we come back and he goes to the day care.
If you would like to hear more specific details on the kind of complains I was receiving from my former day care provider, let me know and I will be glad to post them privately.
