Could She Be Right?

I'm going along w/ what Jen B said, maybe she's the problem. could be he's acting out b/c he's bored.

Ok, he is two ... the first step I would suggest is that you contact Early Intervention to see what they have to say about this, second find another child care provider (it is prob her that can not spend too much time with him) and third hold off a year or two for the add/adhd diagnosis ... way too young.

First off the relationship between you and your sitter has become strained. I went through a lot of sitters before I found a situation that worked well for me. The way she is talking to you is a sign that she is ready to let go. So take a step back and think about whether you want this relationship to continue.

Second, your son is two years old. ADD and ADHD is a serious medical condition that is completely over diagnosed and impossible to do so in a two year old. Of course he has a short attention span and is rambunctious he's a two year old boy.

Third, his acting up could be anything, and it's impossible to tell without all the information. My sun is lactose intolerant. I told every daycare we were at, but it wasn't until I took him to a special daycare for kids with allergies that I realized how severe it was. She wasn't giving him pancakes (with dried milk in the mix) and all the other things and suddenly his attitude did a complete 360. He has his days, but he is much better.

She is also structured like a daycare center, and she hires people to help so she has time with her own kids. I really think it makes a difference for him that he feels he has people who enjoy spending time with him, and aren't just doing it because it is their job. Daycare centers can be great, but it has to be the right one for your son.

Lastly I would suggest reading a book called siblings without rivalry. I have three kids and it has helped me not only in dealing with my kids, but in guiding others in how best to handle them as well. Has she sat down and talked to him about how he feels around the other kids? Is he feeling intimidated? Is it quite enough for him to take his naps? My boys get mean when they are tired, or if the environment is visually, audio, or physically overwhelming. They get overwhelmed faster than my daughter does.

I would chalk it up to a bad match for him, and try someplace else, but before you do, try to figure out what it is about this place that isn't right for him. And don't beat yourself up so much.

Okay.... your son is very young.
He also has a sibling with special needs. That can be stressful, even for an Adult.
He is 1 of 2 other siblings.
Again, he is young.

TO ME... he is, "displacing" his frustrations onto the other kids at Daycare. Because, that is his outlet. For his frustrations.

Kids at this age, DO NOT HAVE "coping-Skills" nor the comprehension of "emotions" and their emotions are not even fully developed yet. They do not know how, to handle their frustrations or stresses. Hence, they act out. They also CANNOT verbalize or say... how they feel. Unless they are taught how.
They don't even know the names for 'feelings' or how they feel... nor can they handle their emotions nor understand all the nuances of it.
Hence, they act out.

To me as I said, your son is acting out, at Daycare, because he is 'displacing' his frustrations & stresses onto others. He is trying to cope. But cannot. He is only 2 years old. And yes, very young children, DO get stress and frustrations.
It is emotion, based, and per their unmet needs or frustrations. Which they cannot, discern at this young of an age.

He is also 2 years old. This is a hard age. But 3 and 4 years old is harder.

How is he disciplined?
How is he taught, about no-no behaviors?
Is he communicative?

Whether he is a boy or not, all kids can misbehave.
But the question is: why?

all the best,
Susan

I agree with everyone here It is WAY too soon to think about ADD/ADHD
I believe all two year olds present as ADHD! What kind of day care is this? is it a home provider or a big place with separate areas, and activities for each age group. Is he mixed with infants? He needs a safe environment to explore, tunnels and slides and blocks not someone's kitchen counter. He needs lots of activities to keep him busy in a structured way, not someone who is taking care of too many kids in her home. I can't judge whether she is providing great discipline or not. She does spend a LOT of time with him and can compare him to a lot of kids his age. I also can't judge whether you're giving him plenty of quality time and consistent discipline or not. I think you're right to take this seriously and think about what you can do at home (have you read books about two yr olds like Happiest Toddler on the Block and 1,2,3 Magic) and re examine his daycare situation.
I would not put my son in a home daycare that did not keep him busy, active and learning all day.

Well does he do these things at home? Maybe SHE is the problem!! Of course I am not there, but her reaction seems strange to me. I know there can be kids that are more challenging at times, but that doesn't mean they don't get enough at home. Sometimes the kid that never says much or causes any trouble is the kid that is getting overlooked everywhere!! I think your son is too young to assume anything diagnosis wise. He could just be a rambunctious kid that gets bored easily. I mean is she unable to enforce a time out or to just make a decision if she can handle him at her daycare? I think her getting in the mix of whether or not you spend time with your child is very intrusive. Maybe she is not a person that can handle spirited children. I mean kids do go through a lot as they discover their emotions and any parent with more than one child can tell you how different each child can be. If it were me I would just make a note of what she has mentioned behaviorally and see if I was getting those reports elsewhere. I think I would look for another provider if she and your son are just not gelling well. It could be her style of childcare and even the mix of kids. Something is frustrating him and it could very well be that enviornment. My mom was single and my sister had Rett syndrome. We moved when I was in first grade and the teacher truly hated me. In her mind I was just an absolute problem child, to this day, I don't know why. She made my life miserable. She constantly complained to my mom about me. When my mom was able to move and I changed schools, my experience was totally different. She was the only teacher that ever thought that of me and the only teacher my mom was called in to have conferences with. So if he is not doing this at home and no one else is saying this, I would take a hard look at changing providers. Good luck!!

First let me say I'm so sorry for the way she is behaving. I've cared for children for 25 years and 98% of the time what goes on in my house is MY problem. With most children I can teach them my rules within a reasonable amount of time. They will, like all children, stop doing one thing and then think up another to do. No child is perfect!

What you haven't said is anything about this persons experience. If the provider has been in business over 10 years I would be inclined to think that though she's being mean and tactless in the way she's talking to you, it's possible he really is more strong willed than she has usually had to deal with. But that could also be that she's had mostly really easy kids.

She is WAY out of line to make wild assumptions like she is making. But what she may be trying to ask you to do is find 20 minutes to devote to him and only him. That's just not that easy to do with multiple children in the house! I feel you there.

I hope that she's really just informing you and not "complaining". I honestly try to never come across like that with my own parents and I sure hope that I don't.

I've had perfectly normal boys have some really DIFFICULT habits to break and many of them have ended up on ADHD medicines. But if you will see a recent post of mine, I don't always agree. One of my boys now is on an ADHD drug now and I don't see a difference in his behavior. I never had any trouble in the first place, ...well nothing I couldn't handle :)

I don't know about taking him to be evaluated, but at 2 (and ESPECIALLY with a special needs sibling) this just sounds like he's *begging* for attention - ANY attention!

I know we're (moms) quick to jump on the defensive when someone questions our parenting, but this is the woman who spends every day with your son - that's who the hell she is. And if it's a daycare, they're trained to recognize behavioural issues with young children. Rather than get all defensive and rush out for a diagnosis, why don't you try what she suggests?

Giving his some special one-on-one attention every day will likely work wonders! I know it does with my girls when one of them is acting up for no discernable reason. They just want to be *heard*.

I personally feel that ADD/ADHD/ETC are *way* too over-diagnosed. I'd really try other avenues before you talk to your doctor about ADD.

I think you need a new place. What you're describing is normal behavior for a 2 yr old who is not being guided correctly. I don't believe a 2 yr old is mean. I think he's expressing feelings. Taking toys is normal, he needs to learn to not do that. She needs to be teaching. The climbing can be normal for kids that are climbers. Throwing is normal too. I'm actually against trying to stop all throwing with kids. It's a normal skill that they are trying to learn and should learn. They shouldn't be treated like they are bad because they try to learn to throw (granted, I do believe in guiding them to proper places and things to throw, etc). She's acting like he's this horrible kid, when in reality it's normal behavior that needs to be taken care of by HER since she is with him all day. Nothing you have said makes me think he has anything wrong with him. I certainly would look somewhere else. I find it offensive she acts like he's mean! He's TWO! They are too baby and simple to be mean at that age. He sounds more out of control than anything else...again, that is her issue since she's with him all day. It kinda sounds like she doesn't like him and that will make the problem worse. I'd look somewhere else.

I think the answer is twofold. First possibly a new daycare.

Second, this isn't "boy behavior". I can only name one boy I know of my son's friends that acts like this and the other kids are really getting sick of his behavior. It sounds pretty aggressive and you as his parents need to get a handle on it sooner than later. I think the fact that you realize when you focus on him more he is better behaved helps you with the solution.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I don't know if it's a behavior thing or if he's just at the wrong day care. Seriously consider interviewing other places and have him go and see what he does and his behavior there.

While most of his behavior is typical for a two year old - sitting on other children's backs, taking toys and throwing food are TOTALLY unacceptable behavior in my book ...At the age of 2 - he can use his words and talk....he can and SHOULD ask for toys instead of taking....he should NOT be sitting on other children....my question to her is HOW DOES SHE HANDLE his behavior? Does she tell him NO? Does SHE spend any time with him? Is she a licensed psychologist as well as a licensed day care provider?

I would have him at another day care...preferably something like Kindercare or something like that - where there is a specific direction/code they have to follow.....if his behavior continues there - then he needs to be checked out by a doctor and see what the underlying issue is.

Good luck!

Hi! I didn't read all of the responses, but here's my two cents. My son acted out at daycare when he was bored. All the kids were younger than him, and our provider at the time didn't have the time (or the inclination, but that's another story) to try to keep him busy. They didn't go outside and spent most of the day doing free play. We changed daycares, and haven't had a problem since.

Also, it's not okay (I won't comment on normal) to be that aggressive to the other children. What is she doing to discipline him? Do you agree with her methods? What would you do? I would check these things all out before doing any testing. A friend of mine just went through a lot of heartache and stress testing her 3 year old for autism, etc, and he is just an intelligent and high spirited kid that needs to be challenged.

Your provider seems concerned, but doesn't seem to be communicating well with you. It sounds to me like she's decided it's YOUR problem, not HERS, when really it is a situation for you both to work on! I also have an issue with her not taking kids outside in the a.m., since that's generally the longest playing time for daycare age children. Not saying it's easy -- but high-energy kids need a place to expend that energy, and inside it's not always easy!

Sorry -- probably too much opinion from me! Good luck!

There is a big difference between a boy being a boy and a child who is misbehaving and needs discipline. I have 2 boys, and although they have always been active, they would get in big trouble if they were mistreating other children and throwing food. She probably asked if you have been spending time with him because she can not believe that you as a parent would see these behaviors and not correct them. There is only so much she can do as a baby sitter, this behavior need to be addressed and corrected by you. Before you go assuming something must be wrong with your son take a look at what you have done to correct these behaviors.

I have two boys ages 1 and 2+. Your son is 22 months, so he has 2 whole months before even turning 2...a lot happens in 2 months when they're this young. I think your son is behaving like a typical nearly 2 year old, a spirited one. He's testing and just needs to be told/modeled right from wrong, maybe this babysitter is overwhelmed and isn't very effective. Part of her job in caring for your child is to help him behave, sounds like she's not working out and you need to find a new babysitter, one with better experience. Be sure and mention the problems he's currently having.

I'm sorry but at 22 months, he's still so young. Many people are saying that these behaviors are unacceptable for a 2 year old but believe me they are normal. I can't tell you how many times I've been at the park,library,playdates,and witnessed this behavior from other 2 year olds including my own...the climbing, the taking of toys because they lack sharing skills, throwing things, screaming and crying when they don't get their way. That's why it's called the terrible 2's and they say the 3's are worse. I sometimes think people forget how difficult that age can be. If you're concerned, call your doctor...you can get a real medical opinion and put your mind at ease. Testing through ECI is a good free option to see how he's doing. I feel sorry for you that you're feeling this way and sorry for your little guy as well. Try and get him into a daycare situation that can offer better support, get good recommendations!

Is he in a home based daycare? I am asking because although they can be wonderful they are not for all children. Most in home centers have children of all ages grouped together which can be difficult. He may need to be in a center that is grouped by age. This will allow him to interact with children who are on the same level as he is, and also if it is a good center they will have a full day of activities, planned. Sometimes a simple change in childcare can make a difference, not every center works well for every child. I would look into a change. Also, I DO NOT care for the sitters approach at all. It sounds like she has labeled your child and isn't really going to work with him. That scares me. I would get him out of there and into a new center, there could be nothing wrong and he is just bored. Bored children get into mischief!! Good luck!!

well, it's pretty presumptuous of her to tell you how to parent your child. but take a deep breath. rather than spend all of this energy being offended, look at the real problem. your son's behavior is a genuine issue. doesn't mean he's a bad kid, but there's certainly something going on here. are there NO signs of this behavior anywhere else? be honest with yourself! if he acts this way at home or with other people who watch him, there are behavior issues that need to be addressed. he's a bit young to tell if it's ADHD or something like that. he may just need a change in strategy, and it's not completely out of the world to consider her suggestions, ie spend more time one-on-one or carefully observing him rather than just take her tactless words as criticism and therefore without worth.
if he really really doesn't act this way anywhere else, he'd probably be better off in another daycare.
but try to come at this from the point of view of problem solving, not reacting angrily to a Mean Person. yes, boys can be ornery, but 'boys will be boys' is not a real solution. 2 year olds are feral creatures, but they can still understand boundaries.
khairete
S.

Well I don't think he sounds like he is ADHD. He sounds wild though.lol It is not her place to question you or tell you how to be a parent. Maybe your son doesn't like going to her daycare? I have 3 boys and my oldest was very calm and even tempered,my middle one was all over the place climbing on everything he could,(he never sat on anyone's back but all the kids around him were always bigger) my baby doesn't walk yet so I don't know how he will be the closer he gets to 2. Your son is also a toddler so throwing food and toys aren't something I would be super concerned with. He may be just a rough and tough little boy,nothing wrong with that. Maybe your babysitter pays no attention to him and thats why he is crazy for her? Is he wild at home? You should ask her if she spends 20 minutes a day with him..

First of all, take a deep breath, and try to stay calm.
If your sitter is complaining, then there MAY be a problem. How much do you respect her opinion? Is she relatively young or does she have years of experience? I would say the more experienced she is, the more seriously I would take her opinion.
How is your son at home? Does he throw food and toys, does he climb on furniture and counters and sit on his siblings backs?
If he doesn't act AT ALL like this at home, then I would start looking for a new daycare because obviously something is not working there. But if he does act like this at home I would be concerned.
I'm surprised at moms who say this behavior is "normal" for a (close to) two year old. I mean, yes, maybe if it happens a few times, but not consistently!
Also, don't fall into the "he's just a boy" trap, really look at what is driving his behavior. Talk to your pediatrician. Your son might have ADD/ADHD, but my daughter has ADHD and has never behaved like that, even as a toddler. Her issues were an inability to sit still, a need to be constantly moving, not throwing things or being mean. She also didn't like doing things that required prolonged attention, like puzzles.
Good luck to you, I hope you can figure out what's really going on :)

.

2 year olds of either sex can have difficult periods. If your babysitter has a decent amount of experience (and I'm guessing she does), I'd take her assessment that this is not normal seriously. Who is she to tell you? She's the lady with the wild child on her hands during the day! Instead of being offended, address the problem.

Could their be a medical/neurological issue? Sure. But it mostly sounds like an undiciplined child.

I think you should consider finding another daycare..... I don't understand why she has to wait for her daughter to come home to take the kids outside!?! If that's the case, then she has taken on more kids than she can handle! I did daycare for 5 years. ALONE! And we went outside morning AND afternoon (weather permitting.) We would spend usually a minimum of 1 hour in the morning and then we would head outside about 2:30/3 (when the kids got up from nap) and be outside till everyone went home (5:30 being the latest.) We would even have snack outside. And I typically cared for 11 to 13 kids. A lot of times 2 of those being infants.

With that being said. Her first "suggestion" about spending time with him is fine. If she really directed that second question to you the way you wrote, that was WAY out of line.

Last. I would not consider his behavior "typical' or "normal". We have a high energy boy (almost 4 now) and I would never allow him to behave this way. Behaviors need to be addressed IMMEDIATELY. No I do not have a special needs child but our 3rd baby is 8 1/2 months old and he is one tough cookie! He takes up way more time than my other two ever did. He screams for no apparent reason. Fussy often. Have to hold him a lot. Etc. So I do know what it's like to not have enough time!

Good luck!

Yes, she could and probably is right.

DO NOT feel guilty. Do not take this as a criticism. This is circumstance. Take a breath.

Instead try to change the way things work in your home.

It really will make a difference if your son can run and play with as much attention as possible 2 times a day. Either you or your husband need to figure out how this will work. Can your special need child join you guys outside and 1 parent be on call to that child and the other parent really, play with the rest of the kids?

Maybe get a mothers helper (`11 yr old to 14 yr old) to come over a few times a week and play with your kids outside?

He has a ton of energy, good or bad and it must be released with running yelling climbing, throwing, swinging, spinning. With summer coming up may be a good time to plane 3 times a week taking the kids to the pool.

Make sure your kids have trikes and bikes and let them have races.
Get your kids a ton of balls and let them throw them kick them catch them.. This has to be EVERY day.

Make sure every once in a while 1 child gets to go on their own with 1 parent for an adventure.. Does not have to be a big outing. Could be go out and get ice cream and afterwards, bring back ice cream treats for the rest of the family. Take a child to the car wash and let them help. If a child is invited to play date make sure the others get some mom or dad time. Maybe take a child to a story time at the library or book store.

Each child needs 1 on 1 time with their parents some of the time. . I know it is hard, but you all need to figure out how it can work best for you.

Have you ever had anyone else say or indicate to you that his behavoir is not up acceptable? I would say that he probably is acting this way (I can't understand a reason why else she would say it) However, if he is acting this way only with her and not at your house, SHE is probably the reason he acts that way. I would seek a differant babysitter.

I just wanted to add that the ONLY behavior that seems "unusual" to me is the "sitting on their backs" part. Where is the sitter during the time that your 2 year old is climbing and sitting on someone else?! The rest of it is pretty typical if you ask me. 2 year olds are very ego-centric. The world revolves around them. It is normal development. The also don't usually have a lot of self control if they are angry or upset or even happy. So throwing toys.... yes, and? He throws food? Well.... that just needs to be corrected. It isn't mean or disrespectful necessarily. He just needs to be taught not to do that. But why is he doing that? Is he in a high chair and left there too long after he is finished eating? Could there be other reasons that aren't "disciplinary" issues? Climbing? Geez-- my son scaled the front of the kitchen cabinets when he was 18 months. NOTHING was safe. Found him sitting on the dining room table when I came out of the bathroom once, too. It's TYPICAL for lots of kids to be like that at his age. It does require a LOT of hands on time to manage all that curiosity, though. The questions then becomes, is SHE up for doing what is required to keep him adequately supervised and safe? I know I had days as a SAHM with JUST my son, that I wondered if I was up for it. I mean... I could not even go to the bathroom some days without being petrified of what might be going on in the other room before I got back out there. If she also has other kids she is watching without help, maybe she is NOT able to adequately keep up with him at this stage of his development.
But ADD/ADHD testing?! Puh-leeze!

My third is special needs and my fourth has her moments. This is not a boy or girl thing, this is I am young and feel like I am being ignored. You are only one person you have only so much of you to spread around.

Think about it, no matter who you are doing what with when that special needs kid needs you you drop everything to help them. Little ones have a hard time with this, all they know is the same thing doesn't happen when they need you.

Anyway, good luck, my daughter is ten, she is finally coming around to not attention seeking anymore. :)

Boys are different from girls-but they don't have to be...monsters-my sons were all boy-but would never hurt someone else-they're not expected to be heathens just because they are boys-actually , it's the opposite-they are expected to lead and protect, because they are boys/men. A boy hitting/hurting a girl is unconscionable-even bullying someone else-innaproppriate. A paid professional should be equipped to redirect and deal with your son's behavior.

You do need a new daycare, but not because of what she asked you. It's the kids not getting outside until 4PM and her being dependent on her kids for help that has me concerned. How many children was she watching? In-home daycare providers are not supposed to have more than 4 or 5 kids per adult caregiver. She should be able to handle taking them out alone in what I hope was a well fenced yard.
However, that does not negate her concern about your son's behavior. And I appreciate that she didn't beat around the bush or sugar coat it. You need to realize that your son's behavior was not good for himself OR the other children. How would you like it if some child were treating your baby in such a manner? Plus she's been telling you about this and has yet to see an improvement. She is you child's as well as other children's caregiver so she had every right to question you. She may not be paid to analyze him, but don't you think she should have some sort of discernment? If you take him to a new place you will quickly find that they have the same concerns she had.

His behavior is not "just a boy thing". I have a son and in his 8 years he's never walked around bullying other kids and climbing up on countertops.
Actually, neither have any of my daughters and two of them are just a couple of months older than your son. The most my toddlers have done is tell someone to "move" and edge them out of the way which I know they learned the brief while they were in a daycare. Once we had someone come to our home to care for them they stopped doing that.

Anyway, your son is very young to display such aggressiveness. Kids learn their behavior so I have to wonder if he possibly picked it up from another child (who may no longer attend the daycare) or at home. I don't think he needs to be tested and seems too young anyway, but I think he's acting out for (more) attention. Whatever the case is it's definitely an issue so let go of your pride about your parenting and rather than be offended and contemplating slapping anyone (not a good sign by the way) just be grateful you learned of this while he is very young so that you can get him on track. Don't become your son's enabler and make excuses for his poor behavior or you'll be doing it his whole life which will hurt him instead of helping him. Being asked whether you send quality time with him was a good question and quality time is a good place for you to start curbing his negative behavior. It may be hard to admit, but working and having 3 kids, especially having one who has special needs, doesn't sound like it leaves a whole lot of room for one-on-one quality time. By the time you get home from work, it's probably dinnertime, homework time, bath time plus whatever you need to do with/for your special needs child time. I bet if you sit down and look at it you'll discover you probably weren't spending at least 20 minutes (or more) of undivided time with just your son. Hopefully by now things are getting better. Best Wishes and please update us on the daycare situation as well as your son's behavior.

Your sons behavior sounds like he's a two-year-old boy. All of those things sound typical for this age. He's discovering independence and wanting to try it out. I wouldn't say that there is anything that indicates lack of attention from parents or anything. Now, if he were doing this at 5 or 6, I might worry. But not at 2. (And the doctor won't give an ADHD diagnosis at 2 ... there's just too much variation in the normal behavior to even tell until a child starts school, possibly at 4 in preschool if it's quite pronounced. But I wouldn't worry. He'll be seeing the doc after his birthday, you can bring up concerns then).

It sounds like it's time to find a new care giver. She doesn't seem to grasp what is appropriate for a two year old, or what kind of discipline she needs to use (redirection, distracting, having multiples of favorite toys, etc). Look for someone with a background in early childhood development. State licenses mean very little, other than that their house is clean enough and they've gone through the appropriate paperwork.

I think he is way too young to be "add/adhd". ALL kids this age have short attention spans and get easily bored... even little angels!

It sounds like she is overwhelmed and doesn't have time to focus on each child during the day... so a new daycare may be a good option for you.

That said, if he is acting the same way at home and spending 20-30 minutes DOES make a significant difference for him... then maybe the daycare provider is on to something (not that you are NOT spending time with him, but that he needs a little more time just to himself with you).

You have two other kids, and I don't doubt that between daily activities (cooking dinner, laundry, cleaning, dishes...) and time for "family", and time to relax... it can be hard to devote a large chunk of time to each child individually, AND get to bed at a decent hour! Just try to make Mom and Me time with each kid, if you can... maybe 20 solid, uninterrupted minutes each with each child, while your husband watches the other two and see if that helps.

Whatever you do, don't be hard on yourself. I am a SAHM of one and sometimes it is hard for ME to find time just to "hang out" and give my daughter my undivided attention... so don't beat yourself up when you have 3 kids AND work. Plus, he is at a difficult age... it doesn't mean he is "bad" in any way... he just needs to have better discipline... which will come with time and practice.

Good Luck and Good Job!
-M.

Hi,

First, take a deep breath! No one likes someone saying anything negative about their child. I think the daycare person means well but her delivery could use some work. Your child is WAY to young to even consider ADD ADHD or anything else. He is 2~ That age isn't easy and they are just beginning to figure out things and how to interact and play well with others. I would do your best to spend as much time with him as you can and choose not to worry anymore. Boys are wonderful and I have 2----love on him, play physically with him, read with him and just have fun! He will be just fine~ He sounds completely normal to me....nothing to check out with doctor. Hes fine. Take care- Molly

my advice?? find a new babysitter. this one is not only rude, but heartless and amazingly judgemental.

i think your child is just who he is. i dont think that this is add/adhd behavior, i think this is normal toddler behavior, normal boy behavior. as the care provider it is HER job to deal with issues while he is in her care, by teaching him nicely how to treat the other kids.

is this lady a legal child care provider with a license? if so, you can report her to your county's social services department. ask for someone in the child care division. they will be required to do an investigation of sorts, or offer her special training. shes just obviously not understanding toddler behavior. i cant believe a child care provider would say that to someone. amazing. i know after doing child care for 4+ years that its not an easy job, but you do NOT say things like that to a parent.

anyway. DO NOT WORRY. relax. your son is who he is. he is his own person. but he is also a typical toddler. they arent always easy to handle! LOL

Before getting so "pissed off" at your babysitter, take a deep breath and realize how much they must care for your son. I don't know how long he is there nor how many days, but just the fact that she is coming to you and sharing suggestions/asking questions is a good thing. Why would she alienate a "paying customer" if she weren't truly concerned? Try to realize she is doing her best to help your son. She sees something that must be troublesome to her (how long/many kids has she cared for) and is trying in the only way she can to offer help.
How old is your son and your other children? You shared you have a special needs child, would you mind to elaborate on what that entails? Having worked in childcare previously and being a mother of 3 myself (12, 10 & 8), the only thing I can share at this point is that we sometimes as parents can't see signs that others can. Whether by choice or just because it is our "normal," it is often missed by us. A childcare provider cares for children much more objectively. I had a child who was finally diagnosed with a touch of autism after posing many questions/concerns to the parents who would blow me off. I wasn't trying to upset anyone, I was truly concerned for the child's wellbeing!
Based on just the information you provided, you have two options. Take your child to the doctor and share ALL the concerns your babysitter has shared (maybe even request to have her put it in writing so you don't forget) and have him evaluated. Or you can attempt to find a different babysitter.
Good luck with whatever path you choose!

Without reading any of the other responses: OMG At first I thought you were my daycare mom talking about my little daycare boy until I read further! ;) He is 18 months and SO does the dame things!!! I only have 2 in my care thankfully so I have GREAT days & not so GREAT days!!!
Mom & I finally figured out little one is teething (hence the biting) & BORED!!!! Both of my little ones want total 1 on 1 attention (obviously can't happen) so that is when trouble happens).
It has nothing to do with you "spending 20-30 minutes a day with your child"
ps: Little one is the same way at home when he is bored atleast in my case.

It really does sound like he's begging for attention. When one of my boys begins acting like that, it's usually because I've been focused on other things (house work, my job, etc) and he feels ignored. As soon as I begin giving him some attention, the behaviors gets much better.

Boys do tend to need to move around more. They tend to enjoy running and climbing more than girls do. That's not to say all boys or all girls, just that it is very common in boys. Please don't ever confuse that with behavior that is not appropriate. Just because boys tend to be more physical does not mean it is ok to hurt other kids, take things from them, throw things or be destructive in any way. There are appropriate ways for him to release energy.

Definitely find ways to spend more one-on-one time with him. And remind him of all the appropriate ways to have fun and "be a boy."

my 3 kids are 3 years apart.....i have 1 boy & 2 girls 7, 5, 4.......my girls are by far the most challenging for me....the girls are fiesty, rambunctious, climbers, etc.....my boy is calm, kind, careful.......so in other words i don't believe in the 'he's a boy they are different' mentality

your son is 2 which has a lot to do with his behavior but i also think you need a new sitter......she should have just said that she doesn't know how to handle your son INSTEAD of putting the blame on you & your husband & your son.

Why not find a different daycare? It sounds like your son probably isn't happy there and she's not enjoying him. If you have the same problem at the next daycare, perhaps it is your son.

I latched onto the fact that they don't get outside until 4pm. What kind of day care is that? I bet your son feels trapped and bored. My boys went to the Jewish Community Center (we're not Jewish so that doesn't matter) and loved it. They got outside twice a day or if it was raining, they went to one of the two gyms in the building. My boys don't really act out like this (throwing food isn't tolerated, toys taking is managed, etc.) and I think it helps that they got pleanty of running around time. I realize you may like the intimacy of the home care set up, but it doesn't sound like she's really running it to the benefit of the children. Is she parking them in front of the TV? Even if you do spend more one on one time with him, I'd strongly consider another set up. Good luck!! PS I don't think it's ADHD. I think he's looking for attention and needs a bigger environment so he can burn off energy.

It sounds like she is feeling like she can't handle your son and she is putting the ball in your court. He is still young but these behaviours are not boy behaviors nor are they ok. At this age, do not put a label on him but you really need to get him under control. Do you think he might have some delays? You could get him evaluated and see if they can help you. He is too young to be tested for anything like ADD/ADHD. The worst thing you can do besides beat yourself up, is make excuses for him or accept them from others. He is too young to be reasoned with but not to young to be disciplined in a positive, motivational way. Can you other children be a good model for him? My babysitter tells me if my son misbehaves. I certainly would be annoyed if she questioned my parenting skills but it sounds like your babysitter is getting overwhelmed. What you do next is up to you.

Boys ARE much different. My son who's almost five oh-since he could crawl he could cling, ornery as the day is long. Loud, always wound up, etc. I thought mine had ADD forever. FInally, he growing out of it and calming down. Fire this person immediately. Why pay for someone to make you feel this bad? You are the mom, until she gets a degree in child psychology she's a babysitter, and last time I checked, unless you listed "putting your crappy 2 cents into my business" as the job description, then she either needs to do the job she is getting PAID for, or go take all her "wisdom" to another victim, I mean, family needing a sitter.

I would get him out of her house ASAP! If he is that difficult I bet she is NOT so kind to him. I bet her attitude towards him is very apparent to him and he is acting out on what he is feeling there....
While I am sure your son might be doing all those thing, he needs to be at a place that he can find better outlets!
She clearly is not a good option! For his sake please find a new provider- if you can afford it a center. They have soooo much going on at those places and very structured! Kids need and like structure!

You said that the behavior she's complained about to you is behavior that he engages in at home as well. That's not "boys being boys." I do think that he could be demanding attention and is going about it in a very energetic way. He's too young to be diagnosed with ADHD, though.

Is she uncomfortable in setting guidelines for him? Is she able to dedicate time to help him calm down? What would probably help is consistent rules between both daycare and home where the behaviors are disallowed. It'll take a lot of consistency and attention.

I do understand the time it takes having a special needs child, but at the same time I do think that your daycare lady has a point. She just isn't saying it very eloquently.

She should not be speaking to you that way--I'm a daycare provider and would never speak that way to a parent

If he does not exhibit these behaviors to the same degree at home then that is a reflection of the care she is providing not your care. Kids need outside time every day when possible and if not they need some gross motor time indoors well supervised with an adult.

Find a new provider that can deal with spirited children!