Parenting Advice... - Deep Gap,NC

She will treat you the way you treat her. Try to keep that in mind...

She is pushing her limits, and as long and you stay consistent she will learn you mean business. But if you yell at her, then she will learn it is okay to yell as well.

Gotta say, I find your reference to "wipping (whipping)" very disturbing.

Stop screaming. She's long ago tuned you out. That's why she looks at you like you're stupid. Do you like being screamed at?

Sit her down and tell her you are going to tell her twice to do or not do something. And do it in a calm, polite request form.

If she does not comply, take away what she likes most--fav doll, DS, whatever it is that she like playing with the MOST. Take it away for a set amount of time (1 hour, 1 day). Apply this CONSISTENTLY (no yelling from you).

If taking something away has not worked, maybe it's not being done consistently or you haven't found the right thing.

Please don't hit your child.

Mandy S. is right, your daughter will treat you how you treat her because she is learning how to interact with others by watching you. I have 4 kids and had to learn this the hard way. I did alot of yelling early on; the results were not good! Now, the motto in our house is that we treat eachother with kindness and respect. It took awhile for this to sink in and I had to set the example by doing it first which was really hard. But my home is peaceful now... it is so worth the effort.

Here's a book I found helpful: "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. I found it at our library.

She's testing boundaries and her independence. Mine will do that, mostly when she's tired. Be sure that when she does "fuss back" you correct her and give her consequences (whatever she's playing with is taken, time out, sit on the couch until she can behave). Above all else, be consitent!!!!!!!!!!

Yes there is a terrible 4's. Not all kids go through it my 1st didn't but my 2nd did BIG time. Stop beating and screaming at her you will eventually break her spirtit and she will resent you when she is older. She looks to you for love not hate(I am sure you don't hate her but she will eventually start to feel that way as she gets older)My neice hates her mom(my sis) because all she did was scream yell and beat her when she was small. Well she is 15 now and is always at my house or my parents so she can get away from her crazy mother(as she call her). With my son I did a couple different behavior techniques. He would go to time out for 4 minutes and those minutes started when he was quiet and sitting then when timeout was over he had to do whatever I told him to do in the first place.. Again stop beating her and yelling at her it's not good for either of you.

I agree, spanking actually makes most children act worse, not better. If you want your daughter to act better, you need to 1) be a good example, and 2) take the emotion out of punishment.

It's not easy, but a simple punishment, delivered without yelling, is the most effective. Often, kids act out just to see you get upset. It gets them attention, which is a wonderful treat for kids, even negative attention.

Come up with a list of rules, so she knows what's expected of her. I would also suggest that you give her a "good behavior" reward as well and punishing her when she breaks a rule. Give her a sticker when you "catch" her being good. She'll want to repeat that good behavior, trust me.

Reward the good behavior and calmly punish the bad. You will also have to change up the discipline routine often. Kids change, so discipline will need to change as well.

Check out this article for steps on how to be a good disciplinarian without spanking.
http://www.examiner.com/parenting-issues-in-cleveland/tea...

quit getting in a power struggle with her i did this with my oldest. and didnt realize it. pick your battles wisely. only fuss when necessary. otherwise i use responsibility for your own actions. let her fall so to speak and learn the consenquences within reason. it takes away the power struggle and she figures out why you say what you do.

Please don't hit or yell at your kids. The only thing they learn is you have limits and when a person is angry it's okay to be violent.
Try setting the timer. When the timer goes off we are leaving, one of my kids went to school in his jammies once, he learned I meant business. When the timer goes off you are going to bed, whatever she needs to do, give a warning 'in a half hour it's bedtime that means when this show is over or the timer goes off you are going to bed'. If she won't go pick her up and put her in bed.
Transitions are not easy. It talkes time, be patient.

The book "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman
and "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."

I found that around this age you have to change up the game!

Dr. Sears has some great advice on consistent discipline tactics:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

if you scroll down to the "Bothersome Behavior" portion, it talks about some of the things you mentioned in further detail.

Yes- there is a terrible 4's- I agree with the Mom who said it's like having a teenager. Mine will be 5 at the end of April and I will say it's getting better. Here is what I've learned....

1. Stop arguing with her- you are the parent- when you argue you are telling her there is a chance for her to get what she wants. Just state your position on something and then tell her you will not talk with her about it any further because you've said what you are going to say and if she wants to argue she can go to her room.

2. Stop yelling- this is what she wants. When she gets this reation from you- she wins. I'm not saying this is easy and I'm not saying I never yell anymore but it does seem to make a difference for both of us when I stay as calm as possible- over time this has reduced her yelling. When she is the first to raise her voice- I remind her that I didn't raise my voice and I don't appreciate her raising hers- if she wants to talk calmly I'll be glad to- if not she can go to her room. See a pattern here (lol)

3. Find the RIGHT thing to take away- for my daughter that is her episode of Little Bear that she gets to watch in the evenings- also you have to be sure you are really ready to follow through on taking away what you said you would- because it will probably mean a fit! Be sure to take something right away -same day- at this age something too far in the future doesn't scare them because they don't really get it.

4. Praise, Praise, Praise for good behavior- we sometimes do a sticker chart- make it a short time period- like start with one day- "Today if you earn 5 stickers for good behavior-you'll get a special treat in the evening." Then try to give a sticker fairly soon after explaning it to enforce it. "That was a good job listening to me explain the rules, you get your first sticker." Then when she is mis-behaving later remind her "this is not a good way to get stickers."

Try something new, T.. What's happened so far isn't working very well. You can get to a much happier place for both you and your daughter.

Please, never punish in anger. Yelling and whipping mean you are out of control, and your daughter knows it. She's learning from your example all the time, and if what you do is different than what you are telling her to do, then she'll learn from what you do, not what you say.

This is almost certainly not the picture you had in your head when you were pregnant or holding your new infant in your arms. Something has gone seriously wrong along the way, and you are the only one in this relationship who has a chance of correcting that. Your daughter is too young to have a clue.

At four, it sounds like she has drawn some conclusions about your relationship with her that is not too healthy. She can't help that, She simply doesn't have the experience to know much other than what you've shown her, and how she reacts to it on an emotional level. And her brain is doing the work it knows how to do best – categorizing experiences so she knows what to expect. Young children crave predictability, and their minds look for that.

So this is how I think her young brain is working, and the reason I think so is because, as a child, I felt this way about my own situation:

"Mommy wants me to _________. She doesn't care that I'm having fun playing, she's always mad and in a hurry, and I don't want to be part of that. So I'm going to play harder and make that 'mad' go away. … Now she's really mad. I know what's coming next; lots of yelling, and maybe she'll hit me. I feel angry / sad / lonely / afraid because my mommy doesn't love me when she's angry. I can't fight back; I just have to sit here and take it. But I can't make my mommy happy, so there's no point in trying. She's just going to be angry. I'm going 'away' now… that yelling is far away… this spanking will stop in awhile…."

I'm wondering if you can put yourself in your daughter's position and wonder what her experience is like. If so, you can start to build a more positive connection, in which her needs as well as yours can be met, with less frustration and despair for both of you. You can start to rebuild a positive connection in which you are the supportive coach and she is a cheerful team member.

There are a few things you can do right away that can begin this change. First, train yourself to notice and give positive comments about anything she does that pleases you, a sweet smile, washing hands without being asked, cleaning dishes from the table, getting her jacket on by herself, how sweet her hair smells, etc. Try to find at least two things per hour that you can appreciate about her. She'll want more of those positive strokes, and will probably start trying for more.

Also, take time to connect with her emotionally. Give her an occasional hug for no reason, even if that means stopping what you're doing for a moment while you're busy. Find times to just enjoy being around her, and participate in her play, from having a tea party with her dolls, or trip out for hot cocoa. This is an emotional feast for a young child.

Try communication. Simply ask her why she has such a hard time doing what you ask. Listen without defensiveness; really try to draw out what is going on in her head and heart. Ask her what she would like to do that is different. She may have a few hair-brained and unworkable solutions, but there may be a wonderful new idea that bubbles to the surface that you can both adopt.

These and other great ideas are available in some terrific parenting books, and what parent lives who can't use some coaching on better techniques? My favorite books are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish, which I've been using with great success with my grandson since he was 2.5. And another one that sounds like a perfect fit for your situation is called Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman, which is appropriately subtitled 'Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm and Connected.

I'm wishing you well.

Be consistent!!!!!!!!!! Last night my five your old did some back talking!!! I told her to sit down when eating he popsicle so it wouldn't drip on the floor....Her response: "No, you go sit down"...Well I went and took the popsicle away...She didn't cry or say another word but was completely shocked....If she knows you mean business, then you will see changes in behavior. Also, I've read that when each child reaches a new birthday they go through an adjustment period. She is learning to be quite independent with a mind of her own huh Mom LOL! Good luck.

Check out Becky Bailey's Conscious Discipline website. She's got a great book too called "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline."

My daughter is 4 1/2 and I swear it's just like having a teenager! Just try to stay calm and be very patient. Good luck! :)

.

I see a lot of posts telling you not to "beat" your child...lol...I highly doubt that you would be posting to us about beating your child. A spanking for improper behavior and a beating are two very different things. Also, for the mom who said that by spanking your daughter you will teach her to hate you later in life...sorry but get real...all 15year olds call their parents crazy and fight with them! My parents gave me spankings when I deserved them and honestly I consider my parents to be some of my best friends! We get along great and I thank them all the time for loving me enough to discipline me! Having my own kids, I've come to realize that it's often easier to let them get away with stuff than it is to reprimand them! My parents were often complimented on what well behaved children they had and how respectful we were!! I would like to say however that we were never spanked out of anger. In fact I can remember my dad getting so mad at me (I broke the windows out of some old--like 1950's cars) that he told me to go to my room until he calmed down enough to deal with me. Anyway, T., I would take a good look at what might be causing her outbursts. I like what Summer D says! I wish you the best and good luck!