Parenting - Jackson,NJ

Hi S.,
While I do not have a special needs child, I am a cancer survivor. I can tell you that it's better to hear from friends, no matter what they say, than to think that your friends have abandoned you. I am sure it would mean so much to this young boy that your son cares and wants to stay in touch. It's not about saying the "right" thing, or that your son is leading a very different life than this boy with serious health issues, but that your son is still making the time to stay in touch. Please don't worry about what your son will say - the other boy will like just being treated like a friend and will enjoy a touch of normalcy in his life at this difficult time.

try not to stop your son from writing about his life. that's not being insensitive, that's being a kid. he's not making fun, so you may want to lay off. pen pals write about what goes on their days, they're lives many times from other countries or situations. hence the phrase 'pen pals'

Hi S.
If the child is terminal then you are in a different situation than we were in.
We have been on both sides of this issue. The healthy child visiting by email, or in person is the easier place to be.
Because of your question I will answer from the sick child situation. My daughter was in the hospital 28 days. It was the longest 28 days of our lives. The bright spots were when we heard what was happening in the outside world. In hospital you don't know the weather or news, but it is good to hear those things. The emails at the hospital were just as bright as mail call when cards are brought, and it is sad to see no one has written to you.
Lots of short notes were better than one long note. Every day "hi, how are you? I am doing -- going--reading---whatever " Ending of course with feel better in some form or other like it was a get well card. They were always our favorites. Our daughter was not always strong enough to stay up long and read lengthy messages. Your situation is that they are young enough that it will take lots of concentration to read even short messages.
We loved happy upbeat what's going on messages.
Don't discourage, encourage because as he gets older you want him to care about others needs and right now he is so build on it.
By the way I stayed at the Ronald McDonald House and the letters I got encouraging me were a great blessing too even when they were not people I knew well. Don't discount that and suggest you let mom know that you welcome suggestions about what your son can say to hers that will help and to be sure and let you know what he should not say.
Our friend hated to get cards that said "get well" because the diagnosis was terminal. I praise God we were not in that situation.
Hope all will be well soon so that he too can be out there in the snow sledding, or maybe playing T-ball as the season changes.
God bless you and the wonderful outreach
K. --- SAHM married 38 years === adult children == 37,33, and twins 18.

Hi S.. I think your son is so sweet for wanting to keep in touch with this boy. It shows he is kind and has compassion. If I were in your situation I would just explain what you just said to your son. He is 8 years old and should understand that. Then suggest other things he can write to him. Although mentioning some kind of activity for an 8 year old is probably inevitable and I think it's okay. The family on the receiving end will understand that. But definitely encourage your little boy to do this. My son is that way with making people cards and pictures...i realized that this is how he shows his love. He doesn't say it all the time but he is definitely a gift giver and I really try to encourage him in that.

Wow, S., congrats for raising such a caring, sensitive little boy!!!! I would definitely encourage his writing. I would think that he should write about his daily doings, because a sick child wants to know what's going on in the lives of "normal" kids. It will provide him some escape and he won't feel as different if he knows that healthy kids are thinking of him. He already knows he's different, and he's sick, so if he feels as if his peers are treating him like anyone else, he'll feel better about himself. I'm sure your son will include the fact that they all miss him, and that will comfort him.

S.

I think it's wonderful that your son wants to write this child. S., it works both ways, this child might write back stuff about his/her medical situation that might up set your son...Both needing to share and express themselves...that's what it's all about.. I'd let the children work it out themselves.
But if that doesn't sit well with you, then try to contact the childs parents and or their teacher and talk it over them them. They might have great suggestions that would lift this childs spirits.

I think its great that your son wants to write to his friend. The other boy knows what he is missing and I think he would enjoy hearing about your doing things he cant. Sure he might be sad, but Im sure he is sad already not being able to do stuff. Have you ever read a book or watched a movie and wished you could do that too? Well perhaps the boy can live through your sons experiences. It would be insensitive if your son ignored his friend. Let him write whatever he wants.

I think it would be wonderful for them to be pen pals. I wouldn't worry about your son saying something insensitive...this is a part of growing up and the best way to learn the pragmatics of socialization is to make mistakes and learn from them.

The way I see it is that it is much better to have a friend than to have none. Since the other child is hospitalized commuicating with your son could be a lifesaver.

I think it is a great thing. Encourage your son and guide him through this.

A.

hello S.,
i think you should absolutely let your son be e-pals with his friend. this poor child has been in a hospital apparently for a very long time and probably has been forgotten about by alot of his friends. you are correct to worry that your sons fun times may not be appropriate for him to tell the other child about, but since you didn't say why the other little boy is in the hospital, if he will be getting out and getting better, then your sons stories could be just what he needs to give him something to look forward to. if he wont be getting any better, then he needs to know that he has friends that still care about him. either way it sounds as if you have raised him to be a very caring person and he will know how to relate to his friend in a way that does good with a little guidence from you.

While I have never dealt with this particular situation, and respect your concern that hearing about the fun his classmates are having may make this child feel jealous, I think you should encourage your son to write about anything he likes. I suspect the feeling of being remembered, of being included will outweigh the feelings of anger and jealously that he is unable to participate. He has these feeling anyway, and I don't think contact from the outside world will make them worse. It will also give the child something else to think about, a distraction from the conversations being held all around him about his health and treatment.
If your son also asks questions, which the boy may or may not feel comfortable answering, it will show his interest in sharing information both ways.

Let your son write whatever he wants. Since he wants to be pen pals, he likes this kid! You don't need to worry about him being "sensitive" to his friend's needs- he will automatically write what's appropriate for an 8 year old! :) I bet his friend would love to hear normal stuff, from a regular kid. I bet he misses his friends and life terribly. Being pen pals will brighten his days tremendously!

I think your son sounds lovely. Such kindness and empathy. Nice work, mama!

I am the mother of a special needs child I know it's not the same thing as the other mother is going though but I can tell you that she is pobably very stressed and would love to know that her son has a friend that wants to stay in touch. Her son would probably get a great deal of happiness out of the emails. I would try making contact with the mother and going over your concerns, the fact that you are even thinking of her sons feelings in that way can be so touching for a parent in her position. Once you know what is or isn't ok for your son to send you can help him with his emails. Hope it works out great.:)

Hi ~ Yes, most kids appreciate the day-to-day stuff, even if they are not there to experience it themselves. Good luck!

I think he should be able to write about any experiences he may have. The boy will appreciate it and your son will be more likely to want to keep the relationship going.
The boy does not want pity and your son may start to feel guilty about the experiences he has and that's not fair to him.
I am sure your son is not bragging about the things he's doing or intentially trying to hurt his friend's feelings and your son may naturally have the ability to edit what he's thinking about writing. I know it's a strong word but you do not want to create a martyr either.
Let them both write about their life experiences and do not get involved. The communication between them should be personal and allowed to evolve naturally.
I think their conversations will remain innocent and empathetic beause they are so young.

S.,
Let them be pen pals. You can't be politically correct when you are a child. You will teach him to question every good deed he wants to do. If the child is unhappy about what your son says, he will either not respond, or tell him. That is life. Your son wants to remain in contact with him. That is wonderful.

Let it be.

Good Luck,
M.

When my teenage daughter had to be hospitalized out of state for 4 months, we were open with her classmates about it and asked them to keep in touch with her. Some sent cards, some sent short notes, some wrote long letters. All of them talked about the things that went at school that day, the dances, boys, sports, etc. It didn't make my daughter feel bad; it helped her stay connected. I would let your son email whatever he wants. His friend will let him know if he needs to change what he talks about. You are lucky to have such a caring son.