Parent Seen at Grocery Store Hitting Toddler. What Would You Have Done?

You never know what the mom would do or say to you!!!

Dear L.,
I too, have been in your situation, when you witness a parenting style different than your own and it causes you discomfort. Last week I was at Kohls and there was a kid screaming and crying an "unrecoverable" cry somewhere in the store. I wondered what was going on. Eventually, the mom and child strolled by me and the kiddo was seated in his stroller uncontrollably crying with no comfort from his mom. It is terribly hard for me to see a child crying. I believe children and adults all long to be comforted when they are crying, even if the crying is a result of their own choices. Don't we gals, love when our husbands reach out to comfort us? But this kid received nothing. I struggled as I looked in the department I was in; I later saw them and the mom was carrying the crying kid as she looked as things in the store and I thought, well thats better. But really what my brain was thinking was "Mommy, sometimes it's just not a shopping day and this is one of them" . It seems that parents that have the most trouble are the one's that refuse to adjust their expectations to meet the needs of their little ones. Now maybe this mom at Kohls just had to buy whatever she was in the store for, but it appeared she was browsing because 1/2 hour later, I saw her and her child, who was now walking along happily looking at even more things. When he was so upset, my heart went out to him because there was no way he was going to get himself together without help from his mom, or a change in the routine (like a run to MacDonalds). I was so wishing the mom would begin to be tender and think about what she could do for him - is he hungry, do I have a toy in my purse I can give him, can we sing a song and sit for a minute somewhere while he calms down?
All this said, to say, it is hard when we witness what we feel is kind of like bullying bc we feel sorry for the kid - there are SO MANY other tools us parents have that can "ease" a situation instead of making it worse - worse for the child, worse for the parent because I don't think people really want to be a bully, but it is their frustration or lack of knowledge or desire - worse for those watching. Children have such tender hearts. It is SO important to know what is "typical" for every age/stage the child goes through and as a parent decide how to respond. A gentle answer turns away anger. Slapping a child of any age is not gentle and an ineffective teaching tool.
In terms of what to say and do when out - I do agree with some of the other posters about saying something nice about the kiddo or about how hard it is being a mom sometimes. I would not call someone a bad mom in public as I fear it may make it worse for the kiddo in private, even if it was a true statement. Even that mom needs someone with compassion to come alongside her and role model "another way". And then I would pray.

Unfortunately, this happens even behind closed doors and it is very sad. The are other issues that also cause issues for other children and they too, suffer. It is a HIGHLY vicious circle and it starts with us - the parents.

First - the best thing you can do is if your child was with you, gently and calmly explain what they saw. That can be scary even to a child witnessing it, let alone experiencing it.

Second - I feel it would depend on if you were right there or not if you could say something or not. Are you the outspoken type or not? Not to mention, if you do say something, I know of many parents that will take the frustration out on the child after they are alone with them. You most likely would have been given an impolite word or two, given what you are saying about this person.

Third - If you witness something again where you are close enough, you could try a light-hearted attempt to say something like "Toddlers are so curious by nature" or whatever fits the scene to remind the parent of the child's age and the fact that the child is probably innocent - they are the one pushing the child's limit, not the other way around... however, I usually give the child an encouraging look. Most children seem to look me in the eye and lock my gaze. I'm still not sure why, but they do in the stores. I will smile and give a small wave to not draw attention.

Fourth - I believe in Karma. What comes around truly goes around. I would wager to guess this is a person that was abused in her past and needs to overcome it.

Oh wow. I have the same question.

If it is clearly abusive, you should definitely say something and get help from security who maybe can call the police.

The quandry comes when you just aren't sure if it could be labeled as abusive or not.

My mother recently confronted a bad mother at a restaraunt. She said, "You have such beautiful, well-behaved children." The mother said, "Thank you." Then my mother continued, "It's too bad they have such a terrible mother!"

I would really prefer to just throttle the parents, but you never know what they will do to their child later. In such cases, this is what I do (a little more mild than my mother's choice)...

I say to the mother something like...

What a sweet baby boy you have. What a blessing our children are.

Or, like the previous poster...

What a sweet baby boy you have. I remember when mine used to touch everything. But it's just how they learn at this age.

L. thats her axiety. Thats her problem. I have seen this and to be honest I have depending on the type of day reacted similar. I have tapped my kid on the hand and told them no not to touch. I don't really know how she did it now if she back handed the little guy and he started crying but if she tapped him and said no there two different senerios. Tapping and saying no don't touch I feel is fine others don't thats just the way people raise there kids. I don't believ in hitting i don't really like when I have to tap. But theres been times where I have been overwelmed in the day or had a bad day or got stuck taking the kid to te store and didn't want to. I am not saying that any of this is a reason to do that but you don't know her situation. She could also be a single mom sometimes being a single mom can be stressful you have to do everything for th e kid support, wash, feed and so forth. You really don't know the situation. She may have vented and did it the wrong way and in your eyes you see its wrong. You can say something but than you are butting in and you may want to be able to prepair for her to stand and protect her kids towards your acusations. I really wish people in general would mind there p's and Q's and take care of there own issues and mind others alone. But than as you said does this happen at home is this something the child is learning is a good thing. I don't hit because i have seen my kids hit because i use to. I have in the years learned not to. This is a very controversal subject. Now I was brought up not abusively but not non hitting either. So I think its just the way it is and people have there own ways. I know it probably hurts you to see it. But can you really say she does this in abusively at home you might be pointing fingers to something that accidently happened or may not ever again happen. Its a touchy subject I am sorry but can't say.

Man L., I've been in the same situation but I was so upset that I told the mom, "Maybe you should take your frustrations out on something else" and she just looked at me. Honestly, sometimes saying something makes a person realize what they are doing...and it makes her realize that other people are watching her. Don't be afraid to speak up and say anything in the future. I also don't have a problem saying something to kids at the playgrounds, playgroups, library, etc. 9 times out of 10 the parent reacts and you notice that the parents change their behavior but for the better.

Good Luck!

First let me say I agree with Danielle B.

Now for the situation:
Not to sound harsh, but I would have minded my own business. Besides you don't know what led up to the incident that you witness. A slap on the wrist doesn't mean a beating will follow. Just because the way that mother decided to reprimanded her child doesn't match the way you would have reprimanded your child, doesn't mean that her actions were wrong...and it certainly don't give anyone the right to call her a bad mother (like some of the other posters did). We all have different methods when it comes to reprimanded our children and there's nothing wrong with that. Going up to a mother with an attempt to tear her down via negative/sarcastic comment will only cause an argument between you and that mother....trust me.

I was just about to say the same thing as Andrea. Thank goodness she had the courage to respond. I'm sorry, but sometimes things look like something they aren't...and we have no idea of the context that was behind that kind of situation.....

And yet we're jumping to the conclusion that she is abusive?? Before you say anything to anyone (which by the way if she really was abusive would she stop just because YOU told her so?) maybe think about a time when something you did could have looked a lot worse than it really was. It is easy to condemn when it isn't you.

You are wondering about what to say to a mom who did something YOU thought was wrong...what about the person who feels the need to cut someone down in public that they don't even know?? Worry about that person.