Parent Moving in -- Any Advice

This is going to be a good, but tough, situation to work around - we did something like this 13 years ago. We look back at it now and can say it was probably the best thing we could do - and it still is - but it will add some bumps to you road. I'll spill my thoughts here and take from it what you will.

After my mom began having lots of health problems and she could no longer manage the family house we sold our little house and bought hers. We couldn't build an apartment for her until the house was sold so we lived in the same house, shared the kitchen and bath for about 6 months - until her apartment on th e side of our house, was ready. She still lives in her own apartment, on the other side of our living room, with her own kitchen, laundry, bath, entrance, etc. But she's right through the door if we need eachother. It's worked out really well when my kids were yo jng and had to stay home sick from school and when my mom came home from hospitalizations, surgeries.

Even now that my kids are now teens they'll still go to my elderly mom for comfort, they help her (garbage, get things from storage, help make her bed, etc.) and she gives them extra love and support. It's nice for them to get a good word from someone who loves them when they think their parents don't (after discipline, etc.)

It was a VERY rough transition. It's very hard for a parent to be neutral in disagreements between husband & wife. My mom could not keep her 2 cents to herself - which was a HUGE problem for my husband, and in turn for me. Of course, she ALWAYS took my side. I had to have my aunt talk to my mom about it - as she was someone my mom respects. It took a while but my mom has learned to butt out.

My mom also had to learn to respect our private time and our family practices. My mom had lived alone for about 15 years by the time we all moved in together - and she had forgotten all about compromise and give & take. It was very tough for her to suddenly have to get used to how other people do things - everything from mealtime, to how often towels / washcloths should be launderd. Since I worked full time at that point she had a very tough time that our cleaning standards were not the same as hers. I had to remind her that although I've love an immaculate home, I was not going to stay up until midnight to clean the house.

For my mom it was a loss of freedom - she felt that she no longer had control of things that she had controlled since she got married 45 years earlier. Suddenly her daughter was in control of stuff.

My husband reverted to a rebellious teenager in response to having my mom living in the home - and he suddenly began going out to play cards with the guys every saturday night until 2 - 3 AM (that went over big with my mom.) ;o) He now admits he handled it really, really badly - but he was reacting to feeling like the dynamics suddently changed to 2 against 1.

It took a lot of calm discussions while out to dinner (my mom babysat - so that was a positive), and we were both able to discuss what was really going on deep down. It was a lot for my husband to deal with and I did not give him the credit he deserved for dealing with a tough situation.

In hindsight I would have had my aunt spend more time "counseling" my mom as to how to deal with this new family dynamic - and I would have spent more time making sure my husband realized I was on his side not my mom's.

Now my mom is 80 and battling recurrent ovarian cancer and we realize that she'll not be with us much longer. My husband lost his father suddenly last year and his mom is now in a nursing home. We've gained perspective about the fraility of life, and about our loved ones, and we look back now and know it was a good thing that we made this family living arrangement. We've been able to be there for my mom, she has been there for our kids and as a support for us when our lives got turned upside down due to a serious car accident, when my husband became a NYPD office and began working weird hours, after 9/11 and my husband was working long hours, during a job loss a number of years ago, etc.

I could write another 20 pages about how this has been an overall good experience through various time in all of our lives. I also think it's a great example for our kids to see how to honor our parents and the example will benefit us in our old age. Bottom line is that your marriage is most important and you have to jealously protect it.

If you need any words of encouragement or advice feel free to reach out to me through this venue.

Best of luck!

Enjoy the opportunity to have your mom with you. Be easy about it, and see how it goes. Done well, it can open the door to a wealth of shared love and shared experiences.

You're all grieving. Go through the grief process with understanding of the natural stages of grief. Her moving in represents a major stressor for you all: loss of husband/father/grandfather, change in status, exhaustion, grief, general fatigue, all of you facing the unknown - but together at least, health issues, and so forth. There will be tears, heated discussions, and maybe a few doors slammed. Face it with a demonstration of caring, love and respect.

Facing your challenges together can strengthen your family, and make the adjustments you each must make, easier than doing it alone. You have an opportunity to come out the other side of this with closer relationships, and greater love and respect for each other (all of you). It's a building block for the futures of your children and yourselves.

My maternal grandmother lived with us from the time I was 5 until she had a series of strokes when I was 18. There were 3 kids, a menagerie of pets, and multiple household moves. It was WONDERFUL having her around for all of us. Our big treats were twice a year she made fudge, and on holidays, she gave out pieces of chocolate and peppermint. We read together, went to her with confidences and the dogs adored her though they weren't allowed in her room. She had HER space, and we had to be invited in. It worked!

My grandmother lived with me once she was in her 80s and could no longer live alone. Since she was moving to me, from another state, and leaving all her friends, I made sure she had her own phone line so she could call everyone all the time. I also had her help me with small household chores, like folding laundry, so she would feel like she was contributing to the home. Oh, and it became a rule that she had to make the mashed potatoes - she made the best ones! It wasn't easy for either of us, I was in my late 20s and doing the work and dating thing so there were adjustments to be made on both ends.

While it is hard on you, your hubby, and kids, it is also very hard on the adult parent to move into their childrens' home, especially if they are leaving friends and their community behind. Sit down with her and talk about expectations *before* she moves in. What role does she expect in the household? What role do you and your family see for her in your household. Remember that no-one wants to get old and no one want to feel useless.

Enjoy having her with you. Once my Granny and I adjusted we enjoyed living together.

Be welcoming, but realistic. If staying in your home permanently is not an option, have that conversation at the outset. Don't assume that she knows! You may want to start looking into options because many of the nice senior communities have significant wait-lists! We learned this lesson with my husband's grandfather.

What are your arrangements now? You are talking about having her with you for at least six months. Will she have her own room/bathroom and privacy? If so, see how it goes. You may find that your family is better with her there, but realisitically your mother is still young and you would be making a long-term commitment in having her live with you.

You have every right to be nervous b/c your "demographics" are about to change profoundly... this isn't a "visit". Just stay open to conversation and realize that while she may be relieved to have the support, she's probably nervous and sad about leaving her home.

I had my mother live with us (husband, teenage son, and two greyhounds) for 4 1/2 years. It was very difficult but oh so wonderful. She was very respectful and grateful for all I did but it was like I was a child again. I told her where I was going and when I would be home so she would not worry. I spent every evening watching Jeopardy with her. I gave her the happy childhood she never had. I learned not to listen to her conversations about me because she never heard my conversations about her (venting). I went to a caregivers support group only to find out how lucky I was that she did not have dementia. I would do it over again in a flash, and even my husband enjoyed her sense of humor and personality. She died 5 years ago at 99 and I miss her, but there are no regrets. My oldest sister tried to take care of her and they just clashed. So it is not for everyone. I also took care of father in law but only made it 9 months before we put him in a nursing center. Try, but if it does not work out, there are other options. You have received lots of good advice in other postings. Good luck.

i had m-i-l little apt.built onto my daughters house.......made it possible for no after school daycare,here when kids get sent home sick-snacks made,i cook dinner all week,when i am able also help with laundry-----she is here for me when i have togoto hospital,i take care of pets on holidays so they can visit his parents.....onlly problem is son in law--initialy very jelous of any time i spent with my daughter--now we avoid each other for the most part--he bad mouths me to the kids,they now are loving when he is not home and have 'attitude' when he is---bottom line-i am eternally greatful to my daughter,glad i have a place to live,and of course have my grandkids around the better part of each day....big adjustments for everyone-best wishes to you.

M.- I had a very similar situation -I moved my mom in with us (me, hubby, 2 kids, and a very large dog) from out of state after dad died and she could no longer live on her own. Looking back on it, I think I had unrealistic expectations of how it would all turn out and learned alot about myself as a caregiver. After 6 weeks with us, we decided that an assisted living facility would be a better alternative to living with us. While she was with us, I was physically and emotionally drained at the end of every day and realized pretty quickly that I was just not cut out to care for her full-time, as much as I wanted to . This is not to dissuade you from what you are about to undertake - just a cautionary tale. I applaud you for stepping up to take care of your mother and I think it's great that you have a plan in place to re-visit her living situation in the Spring. The loss of your dad is still fresh, and being together as a family is so important in the healing process. Everyone is different in how much they can handle, and alot depends really on the relationship you have with your mother and how self-sufficient she is. Be patient, take it one day at a time, realize your schedule will need to be adjusted to accomodate mom, try to take a break for yourself on a regular basis. It will be a big change for everyone, and change takes awhile to get used to. Don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Good Luck!

Of course you are nervous and I'll be she is too, her life will be uprooted very quickly after many years. Just sit down and talk often and fondly of eachother. Of course it will take some adjustment, but also you are both grieving, so there will be times when you need some privacey. I want to congratulate you fo your concern for your mother. there are not a lot of people who do that these days. I also commend you for being so open. I think everyone will do fine. My brother has lived with his mother in law for years.

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Hello, I read a lot of the responses and some I don't know. I know that you are nervous but it mean a lot to your mom that she don't have to worry about a place to live. when my mom was sick my sister moved into her house because we all live close by, we each took a night sleeping over because she was real sick. If I had to I would move my mom into my home, but she isn't here anymore and I miss her so much. I know that it is an adjustment but that is life. You and your husband should talk it over and get his feel. than the three of you should sit and talk so mom would know that she is really wanted or not. As you make your decision just remember that you might need her as much as she need you. I pray that things work out for you and your family and I also pray that your mom will be able to move in with you because I would hate to see her alone. God Bless you and your family

WOW -good luck to you! I have no idea what her health concerns are, but if she can drive I would get a list of volunteer or part-time job situations she could do (or even if you could drop her off to volunteer sometime) to help her feel needed and keep busy. NOTHING is worse for a recently widowed spouse than sitting around dwelling on it! My father's mood changes SO noticeably during the weeks he has nothing planned, no visitors, etc. to keep him going, and it's been a year since my mother died.

Have alternative living plans mapped out NOW, so she knows this isn't supposed to be a "forever" deal; so that you both know how much money you're looking at spending on living arrangements for her, and so there will be a time line.

Please remember, as much as I'm sure you love your mother and want and need to help her, you MUST put your family first. If it becomes a problem, she will have to find alternative arrangements -senior living,etc. I love my MIL (and I loved my own mother of course) but my marriage and family wouldn't survive either of them living with us. I've learned to never say, "never," but if MIL had to move in, I would know it was temporary because we would already be out looking for other places! My own mother missed out on my transition from childhood to adolescence because she and her siblings were on the road back and forth from my grandma's during her two year cancer battle. She stayed with us for weeks at a time and then would go to another house or back to her own where they all took turns. It was a nightmare! All of their families suffered from it -and she wasn't living in just one of their homes. Just make sure to keep your focus on YOUR husband and kids and hopefully she's the kind of person who understands that and wants it that way. Good luck!

My stepdad passed away earlier this year, my mom is 70. We just did things at her home to make her comfortable enough to stay there and got her a housekeeper (she had a severe broken leg in Feb and is still having to walk on a walker). She is also wearing a Life Alert necklace.
I know for myself and my marriage that my mom cannot live in my house with me at this juncture, maybe when she is older and really needs 24 hr care.
If it were me I'd make sure she has her own comfortable room with a tv and maybe even her own little fridge and microwave for days where she doesnt feel like coming out and mingling. Be prepared to hear her unsolicited advice or reprimands on how you run your household and try to take it with a grain of salt and placate her by saying "yeah, youre probably right mom".
Don't neglect Hub and try not to make him feel that he's been dropped to second place behind Mom.
No matter how sweet she may be, it's just always hard to have two grown women under one roof.
Put her on some lists for Senior housing in your area.... as she may recover sooner than you think and want to get back to her own private dwelling.
If you own your own home and have room to build a "mother in law quarters", that would be ideal. My SIL did that for her mom.

i really like that you have already built flexibility into this plan. it's really hard to have two (or more) adults who are used to running a house their own way, have their own schedules, and are somewhat set in their own ways to co-habitate. my SIL recently built a house close to us and put an in-law apartment in so her parents could move in. so i'm not experiencing your situation first hand, but am observing and supporting.
whatever tensions already exist will get exacerbated for a while. just being aware of that can help defuse it a bit while you work through it. i think you just have to be patient, everyone try to understand how difficult it is for the other, and to keep the lines of communication open. it will get better when your mom has had some time to recover from her grief, and start looking outward to making new friends and social situations again.
good luck. please post updates, i'd love to hear how this works out.
khairete
S.

I would have some ideas lined up. Could she move into an apartment in your town. Possibly senior apartments. I would have some ideas written down.
Your mom is important BUT your family has got to come first.