Pageant Mom Seeking Help

I grew up in a "Dance Company" and we were always going to compitions. It was always really awarkward when it was over and one of us did better than the other. Looking back I think that it was more the parents who made a big deal over it though we mainly just wanted to have fun. I think pageants and dance competions are good for kids. They help teach valuble lessons like how win and lose gracfuly. If your daughter enjoys it I would let her continue doing them.

hi L., truthfully, i could never understand the whole pageant thing, seems like an awful lot of pressure and harsh realities to me, but like i said, i know nothing about it. besides, if she loves it, then i guess it doesnt make her feel that way. anyway, i dont ususally respond to things that i know nothing about, but your daughters actions really caught my attention, and i did just want to say that i think that for a 5 year old to "throw" the pageant so her best friend could win, and knowing that that was how to get her to play with her again (sad), is just amazing. your daughter must be very perceptive and smart and generous and sweet, you should be really proud of those qualities in her, especially at such a young age. good luck, D.

L.,

Here’s the deal... my parents had me in Skating for 10 years at first I loved it when it had nothing to do with who was better it was my friends and I getting all dolled up and skating together. I skated for St Cloud MN and I competed for 5 years out of the 10 once the skating became competitive it got ugly. Worst of all I didn’t tell my parents how ugly it was (because I didn’t want to disappoint them and I had a GREAT and open relationship with them) I can remember girls hiding other girls skates, parents or siblings “accidentally” spilling on other girls outfits for skating shows, coaches favoring skaters after they placed and once they didn’t they were tossed aside.
I know this is skating but a lot of these girls came from or went into the pageants. I had some great friends from this sport and I lost some great friends from this sport…oddly enough my mother once told me since she decorated for the shows that she too lost friends if I placed higher than their daughter.
I have a 4 year old daughter who I have taught how to skate and is as tall as a 5 or 6 year old with legs like a dancer but I can not bring myself to ruin something that is suppose to be FUN. We want her in dance and will at some point put her into a dance studio where it’s not competitive.
Long and short of this is… it’s not worth it! When you place a child in an environment where it’s someone wins and someone losses it’s not healthy. I know it wasn’t for me!
Life will teach your daughter those lessons don’t push her to learn it at this age. If she likes to get all dressed up place her in dance or in plays.

Hope this helps

L.,

That is one ugly little world, isn't it? The unfortunate truth is, there's nothing any of us can do to stop jealousy. You can try talking to the girl's Mom, but I doubt it will do any good, and it will be very hard to phrase what you are trying to get across without this other woman taking it as though you are saying "gee, sorry my daughter is better than yours, but oh well, they should be friends anyway." Of course, that's not your meaning, but a jealous person can take almost anything and twist it.

To answer the question of what I would do, truthfully, I'd get my little girl way far away from that whole scene. I've heard a lot of stories like this, where children who are successful with these pageants are treated badly by the other kids, or the other parents. Being made to feel bad for winning is no way to teach a child to strive to be the best they can be. Personally, I have concerns about teaching a little girl that her success or value lies with how pretty she is, or what she wears. Our society does enough of that. BUT, this is my personal opinion of children's pageants, I don't have a child who participates in them, and never have. EVERY parent has the right to make these decisions for themselves and their children, and I certainly do not judge or criticize if you think differently.

Are there other outlets for her that would give her the same enjoyment without exposing her to this kind of competitive, jealous environment? Does she enjoy dance classes? Or perhaps a children's theatre program? These would give her the opportunity to get dressed up, be on the stage, and enjoy all of that, without the element of competition and all of the negativity that it brings. Again, just an idea thrown out if you are looking to change what you are doing. If you decide to keep with pageants, please just do your very best to shield her from those comments and those people who would make her feel baadly about winning. That's no ghood for her self esteem. If she's "throwing" contests at 5 years old, the message that it's bad to win is getting through.

Jess