Own Sister Help

Updated on October 31, 2011
H.D. asks from Keller, TX
7 answers

My little sister had my niece when she was 20. She is now 28 and my niece is 8. Until my niece was 5, they lived with my mom and dad. My niece's dad has never been around.

My sister expects my mom to keep my niece both Friday and Saturday night every weekend. When my mom says no she will leave her with random people. Obviously this worries us so most of the time my mom has a hard time saying no for fear where she will end up.

My niece is a sad little girl and is having trouble in school. My sister constantly fails to make sure she is clean and her school work is done. She picks her up from daycare around 5 and then they run around until 8-9 o clock. My niece doesn't get the rest she needs.

If you try to talk to sister about all of this she blows up and yells. We do not believe she is on any sort of drugs and she doesn't drink. She does suffer from anxiety attacks frequently but fails to take her meds. She doesn't date much and when she does she has trouble feeling comfortable with intimacy. The guys eventually get tired of waiting and move on.

Now that my niece is older, we can tell she is sad and realizes she isn't getting the childhood other kids her age are getting. I worry about her mental health as she approaches her teen years.

Is there any way to get my sister to see it the way we do? Are there parenting classes she could take? My mom is starting to wonder if there will become a point when she will have to take custody or worse. We worry when she is a teen she is going to be so angry and rebellious my sister will give up on her and leave her with my parents.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Deep down I know nothing will change my sister and sadly my beautiful niece will become a product of her environment. I help as much as I can but I have my own children and a job. I love the idea of having my niece write her a letter about her feelings. She mentioned the other day she never gets to spend any time alone with her mom. I will also have my mom talk to her teacher and see if she could suggest some things to my sister. Unfortunately my sister is a smooth talker. She sends emails to her teacher all the time wanting to know what she can do to help but never does anything about it. It's like she's got to do everything for show. Every year on my niece's birthday I take her on a shopping spree for clothes. Not so much trying to win her over with gifts but for the quality one on one time. Just this morning I was so upset because all the kids at our kids elem school were dressing for Halloween. My son had a blast. When I finally found my niece she looked so sad. Her hair was oily and hadn't been brushed and she was carrying her angel wings and halo in her hand becuase "mom didn't have time. She was late for work."

More Answers

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C.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Your sister sounds a lot like my daughter was when she had her first baby. I don't think there is any way to make your sister see things they way you and your mom do. That will (hopefully) come with age and maturity. For the time being, you need to figure out how to help your niece. If your parents are in a position to do so, they should offer to let your niece live with them. They could file for guardianship which is what I did. My granddaughter is extremely happy with us. Even though mom (my daughter) has it together now, my granddaughter still lives with us because as she says "I like to visit mommy, but this is my home. This is where I live."

5 moms found this helpful
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M.P.

answers from Portland on

You cannot make your sister see it the way you do. I suggest that you stop focusing on your sister and find ways to help your niece. Call the school and see if they have a counselor who would be able to talk with your niece.

At my granddaughter's grade school they have a counselor who spends time with kids who need emotional support. At times they have a friendship group during which kids can share and learn ways to help themselves. One thing my granddaughter learned was how to relax with yoga.

Of course there are parenting classes. Most hospitals offer them for this age group from time to time. Google parenting classes in your city, county. The school may know of one. Ask around.

But don't expect your sister to be willing to take one. Give her the information without pressuring her. Present it as a way to make her life better. Emphasize the advantages for your sister. Sounds like she's unable to sympathize with her daughter.

Kudos to your mom for keeping her Friday and Saturday nights. Perhaps you could spell her from time to time? It's important for your nieces well being that your mom continue to do this. Just having one person who accepts a child in a loving way can make a big difference.

My daughter is a good parent to her children but yet I keep my grandson Tuesday nights and my granddaughter Friday nights. Children benefit from the time and attention of a grandparent and parents benefit from the ability to have some time of their own.

If your mom is hesitant to keep her because she feels that her daughter should be spending this time with her own daughter, encourage her to accept that keeping her these two night is the best thing she can do for her granddaughter. You cannot change the mother but you can help to mold the daughter.

Later: Please do not set the teacher up by asking her to talk with the mom. It's not fair to ask the teacher to teach the mom how to care for her child. I suggest talking with the teacher to find out what your mom can do to help your niece. You cannot change your sister. Neither can the teacher.

2 moms found this helpful
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J.V.

answers from Chicago on

Is there a way you could have your niece help open your sisters's eyes? Maybe a letter or something that goes, "when you leave me on the weekend, it makes me feel X. When we run around on school nights, I feel Y."

2 moms found this helpful
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A.S.

answers from Boca Raton on

If I was your mom, I would put on my best poker face and tell my daughter: "Sweetie, I feel so sorry for you. Please let me take grand-daughter full-time for awhile so that you can re-charge your batteries."

I would then hope and pray that she lets grand-daughter stay with me forever.

I would not EVER pose it as "my daughter stinks as a mom so I need to take over." That's the quickest route to losing contact. Self-centered people don't like to think of themselves as bad parents, even when they are.

Again, I would always present it as "I feel so sorry for you - please let me help." And then I would be that mom figure. And I would pray that at some point it would become permanent.

I feel so sorry for your niece. :(

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Well your niece is ALREADY displaying problems with this lifestyle and inconsistency and non-mothering in her life.

Now... your niece is 8. Just KNOW, that the "Tween" ages is from 9-12 years old. Preteens. This is also a crucial time.... of many developmental changes in a girl. Not to mention, the BIOLOGICAL changes, in a girl too. ie: body odor, getting their periods, changes in social influences/peers etc.
And, she will need to have someone to TALK to about these things and teach her and guide her about it, ALL.
Some girls for example: get their periods at 9 years old.

Google search "Tween Girl Development" and many good articles will come up. Read it. Arm yourself with knowledge about her age stage. So that you can help her in an informed, manner.
And since her Mom, has no idea, about being a Mother.

Maybe, you ALL need to sit down with your Sister and talk to her.
Because, her daughter is ALREADY, getting 'damaged' by it.

AND your Sister, NEEDS a Therapist. And taking her Anxiety meds. AND being RESPONSIBLE. Because, she is not, at all. She is behaving like a child, herself.
And she cannot parent.... competently.
And her judgement on things, is not in the best interest of her child.

Next: my friend is a single parent. And through the "Big Brothers,Big Sisters" organization, she got her son (a Teen) a "Big Brother." It was great and immensely helped her son. They provide mentoring and a ROLE model, for children.
Here is the link and maybe you can find one in your area:
http://www.bbbs.org/site/c.esJQK5PFJnH/b.1621293/k.BE24/H...

Because... your Niece, NEEDS NEEDS NEEDS, a good role model and someone who WILL, guide her and be someone she can talk to.
Since her Mom, is not that.

Again, your niece, is ALREADY suffering.
And it is best, to help her, BEFORE she is a Tween, and then a Teen.
Or she will have problems... and look for fulfilling herself, externally and with boys and outside the home. Which is really, not good.

1 mom found this helpful

R.D.

answers from Richmond on

Your sister, no offense, sounds really immature. I had my first kid when I was 19... now, I'm the same age as your sister with THREE kids, and I would never act like this!!

1- I don't EXPECT my parents to babysit, and not for free. They rarely watch the kids, and when they do, we exchange favors.

2- She's anxious because her life doesn't seem very stable or organized. Does she have any direction? Did she go to college? Does she have a good job? Who does she live with? etc...

3- It's not fair to your niece that her mom's acting like this (and she's not setting a good example!!). If she blows up and yells, SO WHAT?! Deep down, your sister is paying attention to what you're saying. She's either in denial about it, or needs to learn from her own mistakes. How sad that your niece has to live with this.

4-She's not going to take a parenting class, and suggesting that will probably set her off. Maybe talk to your nieces teacher and see if THEY can do something. Tell them your concerns, and ask them what they can do. Maybe they can sit her down and speak with her, they can say someone anonymously voiced some concerns and they are checking to make sure everything's okay at home. The school will not call CPS or anything unless they feel like it's warranted, which I don't believe it is.

I was an awful teenager... and I've made a huge life change, I just had to learn from my own mistakes. The only difference is I never, EVER made my children pay for my mistakes, THAT'S what your sister needs to open her eyes to. Good luck.

J.P.

answers from Lakeland on

I feel bad for your niece. Can your mom take over some of the parenting? It sounds like your sister needs to grow up and get her priorities straight. I would talk with your mom, maybe you all need to have some kind of intervention with your sis.

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