Overwhelmed... Need Some Positive Words...

I am sending you a GREAT BIG HUG!

You are a strong and committed woman. Be kind to yourself. We all have moments, days, weeks and months like the one you're having now. Heck, some women have years like you're having now. You will get through this day, tomorrow and the next.

Think about what the other moms have written to you. The advice is honest and sound. We all want the best for you and your family.

When your girls get home from school; look them in the eyes and you will find yourself. Strong, determined, smart and beautiful!

R., I'm so sorry you're so low today. I'm just thinking of things you could possibly do in the short term to cheer yourself up...
1. Make a nice cup of tea. Sit at a window and look outside at how pretty the trees look against the blue sky.
2. Read a little of "The Prophet" by Khalil Gibran.
3. Do some light stretching or exercise.
4. Go out and do something nice for someone else: take some cookies to a neighbor, go buy a pack of gum at 7-Eleven and be extra nice to the cashier.
5. Make a list of the things that you could do on the cheap in the new house to show to your fiance later. Paint is inexpensive, and you sound quite crafty and creative to me.
I know from your other posts that you are a capable, loving mom to your kids. They are doing great because they have wonderful, supportive parents.
You are doing things right, sometimes life throws curve balls; but you've probably dealt with more difficult times than these and here you are to tell the tale.
I hope you feel better!
S.

R.,
I know you have a lot going on right now.
I probably would have also been pissed off about the "day off" after 3 weeks at a new job.
I know you are in the middle of wedding planning and that is a pressure cooker.
Money aside, is this the man for you? You have children together.
Money can be managed. You can devise and stick to a budget.
It's not uncommon for O. spouse to be the "money nerd" and the other to be more "free spirited" about money....BUT money is also a major cause of stress, fighting and divorce.
Only you can decide which way to go. Only you know your fiancee well enough to make a decision.
Love is wonderful...but reality is REAL. There are bills, groceries, expenses, kids clothing, etc that never stop.
As for the mounting bills...keep your rent current, transportation current, your gas & electric on, and the other stuff can wait.
You can dig out. I've been there. It's hard, but it CAN be done.
You guys need to work together.
Maybe it's time for a kidless heart-to-heart?
You two definitely have some differences--and that's OK. What you need to decide is if you can really get on and stay on the same page. People do change--but the basic attitudes remain, so the two of you need to find some middle ground, set some goals, write them down.
How do you eat an elephant? O. bite at a time!
All the best.

R.,

I'm so sorry if any of my cold feet rubbed off on you the other day!!

I'm not going to sugar-coat this. I think you have some valid concerns... the things you describe would bother me terribly too.

When it comes to marriage, and weighin the pros and cons of a potential life-mate, I don't think we can say that if the pros outweigh the cons, then that's good enough, and reason to marry. I think we need to think more in terms of whether the cons are deal breakers. Every relationship has it's less positive quailities, since relationships are made with people, and we are imperfect, after all. But we need to be clear-mindedly evaluating whether the qualities we now see in our potential sposues are qualities that will make our lives better, or harder. sigh.

I don't know if it helps to know this, but I, too, am taking one last good look at things between my fiance and I, because I want to be SURE that this marriage is the BEST thing for me and my son. And while I know it would be hurtful to call things off, I also know it would be far more so to divorce. It's reasonable and good for us to be doing this. To be really thinking about our lives, and the outcomes and consequences of our decisions. We're smart to do this. So many women get so wrapped up in the engagement/wedding snowball, that they barrel on through the wedding, and are left shell-shocked, saying what the hell did I just do? My cousin and very dear friend is going through this as we speak. We all knew the man she was marrying was a louse. We did everything possible to try to help her see it too. But she snowballed right through our warnings, caught up in all that was going on, and she is now divorcing, 2 years later, with 2 babies. Sad. Had she done what we are, she might have seen this coming. But so many women don't think clearly about the ramifications of getting married.

That's not to say that either of us would end up like my cousin if we do get married... I'm just saying that it's smart, and good to really.think.it.through.

Use your head and your heart, sweetie. You'll do the right thing.

Hugs to you... PM me if you want.

Wow...I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I can understand why you're so stressed. It sounds to me like you love him, but are completely overwhelmed- and rightfully so. Money, as you know, is the #1 reason that couples split up, but it doesn't have to be if there aren't other problems as well.
Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? He has helped countless #'s of people in your situation. His book The Total Money Makeover is excellent (I'm sure you can find it at the library). We got the audio version- might be good for your fiance if you don't think he'd have the motivation to read the book. My husband and I got the audio version- I highly recommend it. My husband used to listen to it driving to and from work. I listened to the whole thing too because sometimes it's hard to find the time to read.

He also has a great radio show that you can listen to live on his website- if you're on the website when the show's not on, you can listen to the archived stuff- both are FREE :)

http://www.daveramsey.com/home/

If you do a search on this website for old questions women had about debt, you'll find loads of recommendations for Dave Ramsey. I wouldn't be surprised if someone is recommending him as I write this. He helped us so much we call him Uncle Dave-lol
Anyway R., there is hope. If your problems are all financial ones, I truly believe you can turn this around. Get yourself out of bed and listen to the radio show. I think that'll perk you up :)
Hang in there, it'll be ok :)

.

I have an idea as to how you feel. My hubby is a great guy, works hard and is a great father. BUT working hard is when it's something that he wants, if it's not a job that he really likes then he doesn't seem to have much motivation. He has been switching jobs since we've been together trying to find something that he likes. It's caused us to have money issues, and he doesn't seem to concerned. He wants the biggest and best of everything and it runs us into the ground. I take care of all the bills, everything, unless I ask him to help clean then he will some.
So if your finance is like this now, chances of him changing are slim to none. If your staying with him because you don't want to let your family down, that's not a good reason. I've always said, not to my hubby but to myself, if my marriage doesn't work I'm finding a guy whose been on his own and can do everything himself and wont lean on me for anything! At the end of the day what matters is you and your kids. Are you happy, are they? If the answer is no then you need to talk to your man and let him know how you feel, if he's not willing to change call off the marriage. It's not worth the rest of your life carrying the weight of the family on your shoulders.

Good Luck girl, just remember you do deserve better and even if it take while, there are better men out there!

I used to suffer from deep depression. Having a balanced diet, great multivitamin, regular exercise (about 30 minutes first thing in the morning), learning to daily count my blessings and talk with God really helped to turn things around.

It sounds to me like everything in you is saying you really prefer a man who has a stronger work ethic and similiar finacial priorities that you have. Are you willing to stay with this many if things never change with him? Something you may need to seriously consider. My grandmother always said marriage was a proposition you entered into with your eyes wide open. Your mate will come AS-IS.

How can the way you think or changing your thoughts create a better life for you?

As for the house, if you are struggling now, getting a house right now won't change a thing but will make things worse. Renting isn't the end of the world. With a house if it breaks you have to fix it.

I would encourage you to practice getting your financial life in order for your future. You need a down payment for your home of anywhere from 5% and up of its purchase price. You will still need extra money in the bank for repairs and upkeep which will certainly come.

Since it seems like that is the future you want for yourself, now is the time to begin planning and moving in that direction. Make the grass where you are right now green and you will be surprised just how quickly you will be prepared for the future you have in mind for yourself.

This is what I have been doing and it really works. I'll keep you in my prayers.

In addition to everyone else's great suggestions, I'll offer you this: When was the last time you and your fiance went out on a date together, sans kids? It's so important to keep up your relationship with and without the kids. I think you're questioning your wedding, not because you don't want to marry him, but because so much is falling flat right now. These are the times you need to depend on him, and you can bring each other back up to the surface. So maybe drop the kids off at grandma's for date night, or wait until they're in bed, and you and your fiance can bond.

Also, you are NOT a failure. You're kids love you to death, and I'm sure you're making a great life for them. If there are issues with your apartment, it's not YOUR fault..call the landlord to fix it up. And bill are bills, they're always going to be there. If you're itching for a house, look around, but unless you're really ready (financially, emotionally) to make that commitment, it might be better to wait.

I'm an anxious person like you, and I worry about everything. Yesterday was a bad day, maybe the day before it was too, but today doesn't have to be. Before your girls get home, do something nice for yourself. Shower, shave your legs, paint your toenails, take a nap, and do some light housework (always makes me feel better). When the kids get home, take them to the park and get some fresh air. Just breathe, things will work out.

We love you R. d.!

:)

I would hold off on buying a house. If money is tight now, there are so many added expenses to buying a house. Taxes, insurance, window treatments, repairs. Yes I agree, you shouldnt rent forever, but if your behind on bills now, chances are you wouldnt be able to get a loan anyways. Have you ever been late on your rent? Because you cant be late on your house payment. The day your past your grace period, they start the forclosure process. (Sorry I work in real estate) and have been doing WAY too many forclosures!
He is probably worried just like you are. Maybe the day he called in he was having an "I dont want to get out of bed day" like you are having. I think women are just stronger when it comes to emotions and stress than men are. Our kids drive us. We cant just not take care of them.
I suggest, going to a counselor (both of you) to deal with the stress. Maybe even some meds? I got on anxiety meds and it was like night and day.
Cut up the credit cards, pay them off and never use them again. Tax return? Pay something off with it! Wedding Money? Pay something off with it. I know it doesnt sound exciting, but being stress free is better than buying something new!
There is a way out of the stress and debt, it may take awhile, but if you really, really try, you can get there. I would also have a heart to heart with him how much his "sick day" is stressing you out more.
Trust me, I know where you are coming from, my husband has been laid off for long periods of time within the past 2 years.
He recently made a career change that could make or break us. We will just have to see. Oh, and we also run out of health insurance in Jan. Hopefully we get that straightened out soon. Nothing like your husband getting laid off when your pregnant with your 3rd kid! A lot of people are going through it, just keep your head up and keep trying. It will be ok!

Kristen is right when it rains it pours.
Five years ago my husband lost his job (company bought out and they were not taking any employees to the new company). He was out of work for 10 months. He became depressed very depressed. Tried to hide it. Once he found a job (paid about half of what he was making) which wasn't what he wanted to do, it became increasingly hard for him. he felt like he wasn't taking care of his family. In the meantime we fell behind on cc, house payments, vehicles. We sat down and said ok...we need to make a plan...we ended up losing our house almost losing our cars. We moved two states away.

Now today, we are happy, loving, vehicles paid off...going to buy a house, paying down those credit cards and living happily. Don't give up on him...

These days will get better, I know I've been there. I remember thinking "when will it be our turn? When will something good happen to us?"...You will appreciate those good things when they do happen. And they will...

You just have to remind him that you are in this together...and that you love him. My hubby finally admitted once that he was just ashamed to ask for help. Maybe that's what your fiancee needs is help (someone to listen, soemone to "show" him that things will get better)...

Something I used to do for myself which may or may not work for you is...I started writing my kids letters. In these letters I tell them about all the things they do and are that make me happy. i.e. funny stories about them, funny stories about us. It reminded me that I did have good things in my life...and that good things will come again.

Keep pushing forward sweetie...

Chin up, sweetie. Things can & will get better, but only if you let them! From what you're saying, your guy is great guy, but maybe still so worried about money just like you are only he shows & deals with it differently. That could be his concern about buying a house. Don't get me wrong, I'm on your side, it's always smarter to buy than to rent, but not everyone can wrap their minds around that.

I would say right now you need to try not to let yourself fall into the "who works harder" trap like you said yourself. As women, we generally do, that's just part of life & yes, sometimes it can get you down. You just need to try to stay as positive as you can & not let that happen.

Let me ask you this: when's the last time you did something just for YOU? I'm not talking going on a crazy shopping spree or even going to an expensive restaurant, but what about an at-home manicure, or baked your own favorite cake or a nice long bath with a great book? We don't have a ton of money either so while I used to go get a mani & pedi done every 2 weeks without fail, now I spend $1.99 every 2 weeks on a new polish & do them myself every Sunday afternoon. It's just something that makes me happy. I also start my days at 5:15 just so I have an extra half hour in the morning before everyone is up & crazy to read. It centers me, that little bit of quiet time to start my day, and makes me a better Mama & wife & co-worker I think.

Hang in there, R.! When it rains, it pours. First, if the home you are renting is not up to your standards, call the landlord. When is your lease up? I would start looking for another place. Could you move into a small apartment for a year to save money? I, personally, would not buy a house with a man that you are not 100% sure you are going to be with for a very long time. If you can buy it on your own (your own credit), then go for it! Make a list of the things you do have and the things you are grateful for--healthy children? good job? good health? good friends?

R. - doesn't help the situation but just wanted to let you know - I am there with you........totally. I feel nearly everything you wrote - and then some. Physically and mentally exhausted but HAVE to plug on for my little munchkins............
I realize my words are not so positive but hoping it comes as some comfort that I'm there with you and know exactly how you feel. best of luck in everything you've got going on

R., go ahead and cry some more if that will make you feel better. I sense you are a strong caring person who wants everything to be perfect and just right, and sometimes honey it just cannot be. You are usually on top of things and it's just one of those where you are feeling "vulnerable" right now, and your fiance doesn't get it and I know you wish you had someone to just give you a big hug and let you know it will be alright. Here's a hug for you.

Take a walk outside if you can away from the stuff that is reminding you of the stress. Take a pillow and beat on the bed to get that pent up energy out, then breathe hard. Go sit on the toilet and meditate - I am trying to get you to smile, let me know if it is working.

I believe this is just a one time dump feeling, you will bounce back and tell your fiance you need a hug.

Try breathing really deeply. Exhale till there's nothing left, then inhale deeply. There are chemicals that build up in your when you're stressed, and this can help release them, so you'll feel calmer. You can think better when you're calm.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!! when's it ever gonna end or get better???!!!! i think that a lot & scream that to God a lot too!
i don't have a husband or significant other (very glad about that), but i struggle an awful lot as a single mom so the weight of the world is also on my shoulders (i think it's on all momma's to be honest w/you), but anyway, i don't know what your faith is like, or if you believe in God...but i always turn to God & remember that He'll never give me more than i can handle. Also...a wonderful verse to read & remember is Jeremiah 29:11. I think of it often. things will get better. i always think my mom would be embarassed of me too, she passed away:( , but i HAVE to know inside she'd NEVER be embarassed of me...or your mom of you! we are trying our best & making the best decisions we can w/what we know. :( if things don't work out w/the guy...not a failure, just maybe not meant to be right now. your parents will love you no matter what happens. and we have seasons in our life, i'm in a pretty good one right that's why i'm able to write this to you, but i've been in your rainy, dark, cold season before and it does seem hopeless...but one day you'll be telling your testimony to some other mama struggling through a similar time like yours. i'm sending you a big hug. sorry if i'm rambling or quoting cliche' (sp) sayings, but it's the best i got. i really do feel for you...and i will be sending up prayers for you right now. your life WILL NOT be this way forever. idk how/when it will change but it WILL CHANGE....and God will never let you or your precious children go down. He will always take care of you. :)
((((HUGS from TEXAS!!!))))

Hi R.,

I am so sorry to hear you are in such a situation. I've heard a lot of complaints from women with their husbands who play so lax in life. There are really men who are not that competitive. They try to hide it but they are easily discouraged and give up. The cliche " behind every man's success is a woman" is indeed true.

I agree with the others that men don't change after you got married.
I would advise that you stay calm, pray earnestly, it works.
Don't resort to anything that you would surely regret later on (like you want to go home)...
You are a strong woman.. this is just a phase you need to overcome in order to become much better.
You really need to open up to your man. Lay Down Your Cards.
I'l be praying for you girl. :-D

Didnt you here? They finally found something that dose the work of 10 men, A WOMAN! -It will never change, women cant hold there feelings in, and because we bare children our worries are always bigger. Men are the strong arms, If our husbands were to freak out and start crying and saying they cant handle it, ---Well we would probable loose our minds. So we are made the way we are being women, It sucks at times. BUT-Sometimes when your relationship is at its lowest, It will bring you close togeather. Just need to remind him how much you depend on him. If you shunt him he may run, Then you need to decide if you could live with that,, MY husband and i had really hard times , drove a wedge between us, we talked about it and decided that really we were both doing the best we could. Now looking back on it those were not such bad days, I hope that turns out for you and your family. best of wishes,